I Hate Depression

     Over the last few months I've been trying different antidepressant medications trying to find the right one to help me function the right way during the day. It wasn't all that easy for me to even think about getting help like that. I hate depression, and the fact that I need help. It just got to the point that I felt that it wasn't healthy for my daughters to see me struggling to keep up with the house work, and with cooking dinner. I don't have the type of depression where you feel sad all the time; which is probably why it's so hard for me to accept that I need help. I just felt so overwhelmed by everything around me that it paralyzed me to the point that I didn't feel like I could get anything done around the house. When I did finally go see a doctor she tested my serotonin levels which turned out to be very low. This does help me to realize that I have a chemical imbalance that I have no control over, and that taking medicine should be able to help me feel better. I do not think that taking antidepressants is a fix all solution. It is something that I plan on doing for now, but I plan on someday being healthy enough to get off of it.

     I recently tried switching the antidepressant that I was on, and well...I'll just say that it's not the right one for me. I haven't felt this bad in a while. I didn't want to get out of bed, I was having some trouble sleeping, and most important of all...I had ZERO drive to do ANYTHING during the day. I pretty much spend all of yesterday on the couch. The whole day I was yelling at myself in my mind...saying things like, "what are you doing?!" "get up and do something!" "don't just sit there" "why are you doing that". The more I yelled at myself the more bogged down I felt. I couldn't stand feeling the way that I felt yesterday, and I wasn't going to continue on that medicine to see how long it would take to see if it would help. I had been on it for about a week; most take a few weeks to fully help, but there was no way that I was going to wait that long and to continue to feel that way. So, I've put myself back on the previous medicine that I was on until I go the next time to see the doctor. It's not that the previous medicine was all that bad (it did help me some); I just thought that there might be something out there that would be better. Which is why I was trying the current antidepressant that didn't work out too well.

     The reason why I hate depression, and having to take medicine for it has a lot to do with my childhood. My mom was suicidal pretty much all through out my teen years. She would just sit there and cry, and do nothing. I grew to see crying as a weakness that I never wanted to have. Yeah, sure my mom went to doctors for help, but it wasn't much help. The more medicine she got on the more suicidal she got. It was all just a bad mix of medicine. She would have side effects to one medicine, and instead of changing the medicine the doctor would just add another medicine that came with it's own set of side effects to add to the mix as well. I remember hiding the car keys from her so that she couldn't just drive off...driving while crying is such a dangerous thing. She would tell me that she just wanted to run away or drive off a bridge. I even stood behind and in front of her car so that she couldn't leave the driveway on different occasions. I did my best to help / "fix" her, but nothing I did worked. So, you can see why I was so hesitant to be on antidepressants, but I'm still not going to allow myself to be put on a lot of medicine all at once. It has all boiled down to what kind of mother I want to be, and what kind of memories I want my children to have of me. I don't want my girls to remember me as a mom that couldn't get anything done, and just sat around the house. I want to be so much better than that for them...they deserve it.

Georgia Forced to Soften Their Sex Offender Laws

Here is an atricle from Fox News about how Georgia is changing their sex offender laws. It's important to know what your states laws are, and how / if they plan on changing them. Georgia is now allowing some sex offenders to pratically live where ever they want to, some to petition to be REMOVED from the sex offender registry, and more.

To get to the article go to this link  Georgia Forced to Soften Famously Strict Laws Against Sex Offenders

Casting Crowns - Voice of Truth [LYRICS]

     I would like to share this song with you. This is one of the songs that I held onto very tightly during the time right before court all the way until court was over; and this song still means a lot to me to this day.

     The song talks about how he wishes that he had the strength to get out of the boat onto the crashing waves (a reference to when Peter stepped out of the boat to walk on the water to Jesus who had called him out onto the water where he was), and to have the strength to stand before a giant. And how the Waves and the Giant are calling out his name, and they laugh at him; reminding him of all the times that he's tried before and failed...saying "boy, you'll never win, you'll never win". I felt like this was me not just facing the court system, but also facing Jon and his lawyers. I had District attorneys tell me that it would be almost impossible to get a guilty verdict, and one even told me that he wasn't sure if he believed me or not. Then in court I had to face Jon who the whole time looked at me with such a hateful and revengeful look on his face, and had to deal with his lawyers who had the audacity to try to get me to say that I thought that I was Jon's child bride!!! THAT MAKES ME SICK!!! I had stepped out of the boat onto the crashing waves, and was facing my giant. Thank you Lord for the strength that you have given me!!!

     BUT! there is a VOICE OF TRUTH that "tells me a different story; the VOICE OF TRUTH tells me do not be afraid. The VOICE OF TRUTH says this is for my glory". This part of the song was Jesus reminding me that I was speaking the voice of truth, and that as long as I was speaking the truth that all would be ok, and for me to not be afraid. And I do give God ALL THE GLORY for giving me the guilty verdict in court. Let the Lord be glorified for what he has done for me!!! The next part of the song says that out of all the voices calling out to him that he will listen to the voice of truth...amen and amen to that!! Always! Always! Listen to the VOICE OF TRUTH that is Jesus Christ!

     This part of the song is great too, "I will soar with the wings of eagles when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me". It's so hard to describe the feeling that I had when that guilty verdict was read. At the start of court I had no doubt in my mind that Jon would be found guilty...it didn't even enter my mind that there was any way possible he would not be found guilty. But during the jury's 14 hours of deliberation I started to worry and to wounder, and started to feel as though my victory was being taken away from me. I heard God asking me if I still trusted Him; my response to Him was, "Of course Lord. I still trust you". And what a great victory it was that the Lord gave me!!!

     So, here it is...such a great song that I hold dearly to my heart.

Anxiety In August (8/8/2009)

     The closer that I get to the end of this month (August) the more that I can feel my anxiety level going up. I feel as though evil is being let loose upon the streets to find its next target. For me it's not a question of if, but of when Jon will make his next move. And I feel as though I should be there to stop it. I don't really think that Jon will come after me and my family...although...that doesn't stop me from worrying about it. I also worry about the games that Jon will try to play with his Parole Officer. I hope that his Parole Officer is smarter than him to catch him in his games. I know how Jon works. I have lived through the nightmare of having to survive living with him, and with that comes an understanding of how his mind works. Jon will try to get away with things. It will be small things at first and over time it will turn into bigger things. I'm very worried about the mind games that he will play with people. Notice that I didn't say "try to play", but "to play". Jon always plays mind games with people. There are at least two things that are apart of Jon being able to breathe: 1. lying and 2. mind games.

Evil...Literal EVIL...Has Been Let Out!!! (8/29/2009)

     Imagine a dark black box, and evil is contained in it. And now that box has been opened to let that evil once again roam free. I am speaking of course of my ex step-dad Jon Hales. He was let out of prison yesterday. I don't feel like his punishment fit his crime. In some ways I feel a little betrayed that he was let out. I know that he has served his full sentence, but it still feels like a betrayal that they would let someone like him out. I do not feel like I was his first victim, and I don't think that I'll be his last. The hardest part is knowing that I have done all that I can to stop him, and I don't think that it will be enough.

  
     Yesterday a friend of mine told me that I should pray for his soul because only Jesus can change a person like Jon. As the truth of that is sinking in...I'm starting to realize that if I truly want to stop him I'll have to pray for him to get genuinely saved. She is so right...Only Jesus can take that kind of evil out of a person. I've worked so hard at forgiving Jon, and sometimes that means doing my best to forgive him daily. I still have some anger towards him for all that he did, and for all that I feel he will continue to do. I can't say it enough right now...Jesus is the only one who can change Jon. JESUS IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CHANGE JON!!!! Jon has such a depraved heart and mind that I know that he will not seek God out. This means that I'll have to pray for God to continually put people in Jon's path to such an extent that no matter where he turns he can't get away from them. This is such a hard step for me. I'm perfectly content with knowing that as of right now...Jon will go to hell when he dies. It's not easy for me to give up wanting Jon to receive the full wrath of God that he has so rightly earned, and deserves. And even now as I write this I am remained that each and every one of us has rightly earned and deserves the full wrath of God outside of Jesus.


Dear God,

     I pray that You heal me of all this anger that is within me. That You help me to just let it go, and to truly and fully forgive. That I may live my life free from worrying about what Jon may be doing to others. And that You free me from the desire to see Jon receive Your full wrath. For outside of Jesus we all have earned and deserve Your full wrath. Help me to remember that.
     
     I ask that You, O Lord, place people in Jon's way that would lead him to You. I ask that there be such an abundant amount of people in his life that live for You, O Lord, that Jon cannot escape Your presence through them. Only You, Jesus, can change a man like Jon. Only You can change the depravity of his heart and mind. I pray that these 2 years that Jon has spent in prison have softened his heart, and not hardened it. Lord, I pray that Jon gives his life fully to You, and that he holds NOTHING back from You. You know my heart Lord, and how hard it is for me to ask this of You. But it is my desire that no one else be harmed by Jon like I was. And I realize that You are the only one who can change a man like Jon, and take all that evil out of him.

In Jesus' name I ask these things. Amen.

Older Posts

I'm posting some older posts of mine so that you can see the progress that I've made, and how the abuse has affected me. You'll be able to tell that it is a older post by it's label and title which will have the date of the original posting.

Mathew 16:19 - The Power To Bind And To Loose (1/11/2010)

     Mathew 16:19 Says, "And I will give unto thee the Keys of the Kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven".

     Therefore, I have both the power to bind and to lose things on earth and in heaven. As for me...I do not want to live a life where I have bound up un-forgiveness and then have to live out the consequences of having a life and heart full of un-forgiveness. If I bind up for myself un-forgiveness then I will live a life of un-forgiveness!!! That is not a life that I want to live! Forgiveness of Jon is not for his benefit, but for mine; so that I do not have to live a life of un-forgiveness, but can live a life full of forgiveness. I do not want to be bound to Jon. I want to be free from him, and that starts with wholly forgiving him.

A Rifle In A Blanket (9/16/2009)

     I've been thinking about something that happened when I was a teenager lately. Jon once brought out a rifle wrapped up in a blanket. He unwrapped it, gave it to me, and told me to look through the high power scope, and to feel how easy the trigger was. He then wrapped the rifle back up into the blanket...this whole time he never once touched it with his hands. Then after he has it all wrapped up he tells me that the "government" wants my finger prints on the gun; so that if I ever talk they the "government" would kill someone and frame me for it. I remember feeling the shock that the "government" would do that. And also wondering why Jon didn't worn me of this before he handed me the rifle. I mean really, what kind of sick person does that kind of thing?! I was only a child! Why did he have to mess with my mind like that. Why did he find it so necessary to instill so much fear into me. I guess the obvious answer is...self preservation to keep me from talking. And it worked for long time. But there are plenty of sick people out there who don't mess with people's minds like that. You would be shocked to hear all the lies that Jon has told me. One of the biggest areas of shame for me is the brain washing that Jon did to me. I am a shamed that I believed all his lies. That even though I knew that he lied to everyone I thought that surely he would never lie to me...I'm family and you don't lie to family. You don't betray family like that! You don't do to people what Jon did to me!

I'm Still Recovering from the Shame

     I caught myself thinking about court today; which usually starts to happen the closer it gets to August. The end of August is when my case went to court, and every year since then I think about court the closer it gets to August. This August marks one year since Jon was released from prison. I was thinking about when the jury came back with a verdict. All 12 jurors had to agree on his guilt in order to be able to find him guilty. Praise God! that they were able to see what the truth was, and that is that Jon is guilty of sexually abusing me. I was in shock...court was finally going to be over, and most importantly God had answered my prayers for the truth to be seen in court, and for a guilty verdict. The guilty verdict requires that Jon has to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. This gives me some comfort knowing that I have done all that I can to protect others from him. I remember looking at the jury as the verdict was read. Just remembering it brings tears to my eyes. May God bless those jurors.


     Sometimes I wonder why I carry around someone else's shame. What was done to me was not my fault, and I shouldn't be ashamed of something that someone else did. Jon is the one who should be carrying the shame of what he did...NOT ME!!! I have come a long way from when I first started dealing with all that was done. I used to feel the slime and grime of his body still on mine. The thought still makes me cringe. I don't like to dwell on that thought because the feeling of him on me usually isn't far behind. But at lest it's a feeling that rarely comes along these days.

     So, then why do I still feel like if people knew about it that they wouldn't want to be around me? Like I'm a leaper in hiding; afraid of being found out. I'm not shy about being a survivor of sexual abuse, but at the same time when I meet people the first words out of my mouth are NOT that I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. This shame continues to reek havoc on my mind. Making me feel like people really don't want to be around me, and could care less if they knew me...that I'm just a nuisance to them. These thoughts have got to be from the pit of hell (and Lord help me to remember that!). The devil who is the enemy of our soul would love for nothing more than for shame to keep me silent. Sexual Abuse is a topic that no one wants to talk about. People would rather put their heads in the sand and pretend that it doesn't exist. And heaven help you if you want to shine light onto the darkness that exists in any form of abuse. I'm so tired of feeling like I have to be SILENT as if my life depended on it. I want my VOICE to be HEARD, and not just heard but UNDERSTOOD.

My Story

Here is a little bit about my story. I was about 15 when it started and it lasted for about a year and a half to two years. My abuser was my step-dad, Jon, he is extremely manipulative and very good at mind games. He took my young impressionable mind and my trustworthiness, and brainwashed me into believing some outrageous things. Part of which was that an ex-step-mom of mine, who worked on projects that she wasn't allowed to talk about, had enrolled me into a government program. I was young and I didn't think that he wouldn't lie to me in the way that he was, and for the most part I took his word for it. I knew that he was a liar because I saw him lie to everyone around him, but I never thought that he would lie to me in the way that he did...I was family and YOU DON'T LIE TO FAMILY! Through counseling I have come to understand that what was happening to me was too much for me to handle; so believing the lie was easier than facing the truth about what was really going on.

During this time my mom was suicidal, and Jon had told me that the government was messing with her medication and that as long as I did what I was told that when they were done they would leave her alone and stop messing with her medicine. Jon also told me that the government would be watching me for the rest of my life, and that the house was bugged. That if I ever told anyone about the "program" that the government would kill members of my family and make it look like an accident, and that they would even frame me for murder. I also faced being abducted if I refused to do what I was told right at that moment. I became increasingly afraid of the dark, and was having a very hard time sleeping. For about a year I slept with a light on in my room. As you can imagine life was difficult to say the least. Not only did I have to deal with what Jon was doing, but everyone expected me to be able to bring my mom out of her depression. I was told that if I did this or that, that it could help bring her out of her depression; and so I tried to no avail. I was the family councilor, and confidant to both Jon and my mom. I was a CHILD with ADULT responsibilities.

On December 26, 2002 I went to the police station to file charges against Jon. My case didn't make it to court until August 2007. So, five years and five Assistant District Attorneys later my case made it to court. When people say that going to court is like being victimized all over again they aren't kidding. Going to court has been one of the most difficult things that I have ever done, and I would do it all over again in a heart beat if it meant that even just one person would be spared from having to go through what I have been through. Jon was charged with two counts of sexual assault of a child. It took the jury 14 hours to come back with a verdict. On the first count Jon got two years prison time, and on the second count he got ten years probation which he just started in January 2010. Jon has never admitted to what he has done. Jon filed for an appeal two times which is the maximum that he could file for. It took two years and four months for those appeals to work their way through the system. Both times the guilty verdicts were kept in place, and Jon was NOT granted a new trial.


If the things that I share about my healing journey apply to no one else in this world it applies to me. This is about my healing journey and the things that I'm learning along the way.