I feel like I'm finally arriving at a healing point that I have only dreamed about until now. It's an amazing feeling to be here, and I'll do my best to try to describe and explain where I'm finally at in my healing journey. My God is such an awesome God, and I would not be where I'm at if it weren't for God's loving grace, and His delivering power.
The three support groups that I'm in now in conjunction with my faith have really done a lot to help me in the past several weeks. There is a truth that I have know about, but have never fully experienced until now. Logically I have known for quite some time that to fully heal that I would have to come to a place where I can experience my memories without them affecting me so much, and a place where my past does not rule over my present life. It has been 9 years since I have come out of denial about the sexual abuse, and even longer from the time the abuse started until now (about 13 years). Think about that...I have been in one way or another dealing with this for 13 years!! I can honestly say that I wish that it hadn't taken 13 years to get to where I'm at today. My life has been marred by this sexual abuse for far too long. But long before the sexual abuse began there was also mental abuse, and my life has been marred by that for far too long also. I am reclaiming my life, and my past has no power and authority over me today. I claim that in the name of MY LORD and SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST!!
One of the turning points for me was a quote that I read in one of my group books, "If you are willing to have an emotion, feeling, thought, or memory instead of attempting to control it, then the agenda of control is undermined, and you are free from the inevitable by-products of this agenda" (Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life by: Steven C. Hayes, PH.D. with Spencer Smith, pg. 125). Wow! what a great truth that was for me. By trying to block my unpleasant memories and triggers I was giving control over to those unpleasant memories and triggers. I then became powerless over them, but that quote showed me how to take the control back. I can't wish the past away, and I can't erase it from my memory...it is what it is, and I have to just let it be. I have to understand AND be OK with the fact that these painful memories exist. I have to know that at times I'm going to have thoughts and memories (and even painful ones) about my past. And most importantly I have to be OK with all of that, and willing to experience them just as they are without trying to control it in any way. I have to take it in, and then let it out without dwelling on it and feeding the negative feelings that arise from it. What I am learning from the Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life book is how to experience my memories (to just let them be) without feeding the negative emotions that come with those memories. This is a place that I have always known that I needed to reach in order to be able to move on with my life, but I guess that I just wasn't ready until now. I truly wish that it hadn't taken me this long to get here. It's a process that can't be rushed, faked, or forced. It has to come from a heart that is willing to except the past for what it is, and be willing to move forward with it without trying to control those emotions, feelings, thoughts, or memories. You have to be willing to experience them for what they are and then to move forward instead of dwelling on it...you are the only one who can do this; no one can do it for you.
I have also had an awesome experience at the church that I got to. I won't go into detail about it, but I will tell you about the insight that I have gained from it. This truly was a major turning point for me, and I felt so many burdens lifted from me that day. Sexual abuse is like a really bad family curse that can be passed down from generation to generation. I have spent so much time worrying if my children would at some point in their lives be affected by that curse I couldn't see their future. How awful is that!!! I couldn't tell what kind of future my children would have because I was so worried about them falling pray to this family curse!!! Again HOW AWFUL IS THAT!!! BUT! no more will I dwell on that. I feel as though that burden was lifted from me that day, and I can now see that my children have a bright future blessed from God!! That in itself is an amazing turn around to me. I feel free to truly focus on my children, and free to fully focus on becoming the mother to my children that I want to be. It's not going to be easy, but I'm more determined than I've ever been. And that determination alone is going to help me more easily conquer the areas that I need to work on. Can you see how my past was poisoning my life? The constant worrying was like a poison affecting every aspect of my life...poisoning my relationships with my children and with my husband. But I say to my past, "You have no authority here! You have no authority over my life! You have no authority over me! You will no longer rule over me and my life! I am setting myself free from you!".
So, this is where I am at today...living a life that is even MORE blessed of God than it was before! I give God all the glory for bringing me here to where I am at today. It is God who is helping me to purge the poison of my past out of my life today. It is God that has helped me get to a place where I can accept my memories without them ruling over me. To be able to accept there will be bumps in the road still, but that I can keep them from ruling over me. It is God who has placed the people in my life that have helped me so much, and it was God who lead me to the groups that I have been in. It has always been in God's hands; who have lovingly guided me all these years to bring me through this, and He will always be there to guide me.
