Some Of My Thoughts On Forgiveness

     Choosing to forgive is hard especially when you have been so deeply wounded by someone. There is a saying about unforgiveness that I like, "unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to be affected" (I don't know who the quote is by). There is also a saying from the Nickelodeon kids cartoon "Avator: The Last Airbener", that I like, Aang when talking about revenge says, "Revenge is like a two headed rat viper. While you watch your enemy go down your being poisoned yourself". When Zuko says that forgiveness is the same as doing nothing, Aang replies, "No it's not. It's easy to do nothing. It's hard to forgive". It takes real courage to forgive when you feel such hurt and pain.

     I think there are some preconceived notions about forgiveness that become a hindrance to many. Webster's New World College Dictionary (4th edition) states "forgive" as "(1.) to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; pardon (2.) to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for (an offense); over look (3.) to cancel or remit (a debt)". In most cases I think Webster's definition of forgive is pretty accurate for the most part, but when it comes to forgiving someone who has done the unthinkable I find it lacking. In the book Toxic Parents the author, Susan Forward, had this to say about forgiveness, "I came to realize that there are two facets to forgiveness: giving up the need for revenge, and absolving the guilty party of responsibility" (pg. 178). I think this is how most people look at forgiveness, and it posses a real stumbling block for them. How can a person absolve someone of responsibility when they have done the unthinkable? I don't have an answer for that. After all, I held my abuser responsible for his actions by taking him to court. We all are not an island unto ourselves. There are real consequences to all we say and do. I personally feel that you can forgive someone and still hold them accountable for their actions. I believe that it is a personal choice if someone chooses to show grace and mercy to someone who has wronged them by whether or not they choose to hold the person accountable. I also see nothing wrong in allowing a person to reap the natural consequences of their behavior. To me that does not show a lack of forgiveness unless it is done out of a sense of getting back at that person. Wrong will always be wrong, and forgiveness doesn't change that. Forgiveness in many cases is acknowledging that the one who wronged us is not perfect and has made mistakes. In other cases forgiveness is saying that you will not allow unforgiveness to poison your life, and it is something that you do for yourself and not for the one who wronged you.

     I'd like to share with you what forgiveness looks like to me:
           1.) Forgiveness MEANS: to let go of anger, hurt, judgments and the need for revenge. To place the situation in God's hands.
           2.) Forgiveness DOES NOT MEAN: (a.) that you have to forget, (b.) that you have to stay friends with that person, (c.) that you can't hold the person accountable or responsible for their actions because actions have consequences. (d.) it does not mean that what they did was ok
     To me if I have wronged someone I need to not only ask for their forgiveness, but I need to seek God's forgiveness as well because he is the only one who can truly absolve me of my guilty status, and so it is with those who have wronged me. I can forgive them. I can choose to show them grace and mercy (or choose to hold them accountable), but it is God who is their judge...not me. God is the only one who can fully absolve someone of the wrong they have done, and even then God may choose to allow the person to reap the consequences of their actions.

Galatians 6:7,8 (New Living Translation)

"Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit". 

     If God allows us (or the one who wronged us) to experience the consequences of our actions (or of their own actions) it does not mean that God did not grant us (or them) forgiveness. God is always faithful to forgive when we ask him to.

1 Jon 1:9 (King James Version) 

"If we confess our sins, he [God] is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness".

     I am not perfect. So for me, most of the time forgiveness is acknowledging that others are not perfect either, and allowing them to be human...mistakes and all. In other cases, like with my abuser, forgiveness is about not letting what he did to me poison my life.

    Most importantly I hope that this view of forgiveness is ok in the eyes of God. Secondly, I hope that it is able to help some of you to step out and to forgive. This may not be a perfect view of forgiveness, but it is one that has helped me tremendously. I have found freedom in forgiving others, and I hope you will too.

My Declaration

     I believe in the power of words. I believe that with my words I can either store up and bind unforgiveness or I can release forgiveness. I believe that people can either speak blessings or curses. I believe that with my words I can change how I feel about things.

Proverbs 18:21 (New Living Translation)

"The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences".

     I also believe that forgiveness is a choice. That I can choose to speak forgiveness towards my mother, and that over time the feeling of forgiveness towards her will come. I know that forgiveness isn't always instant. With Jon, my abuser, I had to forgive him daily for a long time, and there are still times when memories come to mind where I have to forgive him all over again. It can be an on going process, and so it will be with my mom. 

Deuteronomy 5:16 (New Living Translation)

"Honor your father and mother, as the LORD your God commanded you. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you".

     Deuteronomy 5:16 is the first commandment with a promise. To honor our parents that we may have a long life. As one of my Aunts recently said to me, "we aren't commanded to honor only good moms, but to honor our mom" (paraphrased). I don't have to honor her bad choices or bad behavior, but there are things about her that I can find to give her honor. For instance, I can choose to honor her for giving me life. It is because she gave me life that I am able to be a wife and mother, and am able to enjoy the life that I now have. I can honor her for always keeping a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my body, and a wide range of material things. I can choose to honor her in those ways with out condoning the areas for which I have been hurt. I will choose to honor her not only because I am commanded to so do, but because I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. Romans 13:7 talks about giving honor to where honor is due, and that is what I'll do...give honor in the areas where it is due.

Romans 13:7 (King James Version)

"Render therefore to all their dues: tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor".

     In my last post I said that I would share with all of you my plan for forgiving my mom. With some help from my Aunt I have written a declaration that I have printed out, and taped up on the wall in my closet. I plan on reading it daily if I have to. Before I share it with all of you I'd like to take a moment to talk about declarations. For me personally, I have decided to write a declaration of forgiveness, blessings, and healing. This is what I have chosen to do to walk out the forgiveness path that I have chosen. This is not something that I am pushing on anyone. I am simply sharing with all of you what this part of my healing walk looks like. I believe that declaring forgiveness, blessings, and healing can be powerful, and in its self healing for the person speaking it. I start off my declaration speaking to the Spiritual and Heavenly realms because I am choosing to stand on the authority given to me as a child of the Most High God.

 

My Declaration

I speak to the Spiritual and Heavenly realms in the name of Jesus. I declare forgiveness be applied towards my mom and in my life. I free her of my anger, hurt, feelings of blame and of betrayal, and of my judgments. I ask you Father God to forgive me for my unforgiveness, judgments, and scoring. I ask that you release me from my judgments. I declare healing over both of our lives. I speak love, life, healing, happiness, and forgiveness over my mom’s life. I declare now in the name of Jesus that she is able to forgive just as she has been forgiven. That she is set free from her anxiety, fears, and traumas; that the power they hold over her life be broken. That her spiritual senses be reawakened so that she can hear you, Lord, calling her back to, you, her first love. That she will be able to feel worthy of your forgiveness, and be able to accept the forgiveness that you have paid such a high price for. That she starts to walk in the destiny that you have prepared for her. Again, I speak forgiveness and healing over my mom and myself. I choose to honor her for giving me life. I speak to my feelings of anger, hurt, blame, betrayal, and to my judgments. I thank you for helping me to protect myself, but I break agreement with you now in the name of Jesus. I will choose forgiveness because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I bless myself to receive the power of the Holy Spirit to govern my thoughts, words and actions. I declare that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the likeness of Jesus and that His love flows through me. I speak to my Spirit and I say receive all the blessing of Jesus that He has purposefully designed for you today. I speak to my body and I say receive health today and nourishment and be well and strong and receive every blessing that flows from the cross where Jesus died and paid for you. Finally, I speak to my heart and say You are loved by Jesus and accepted by Jesus so rejoice! I declare these things in Jesus name. Amen.

Unforgiveness And Scorning

    I've been working through some things lately, and thanks to a conversation with my best friend I'm able to put some things into words. Sometimes just being able to put how you are feeling into words is half the battle. When I am able to put words to my feelings I then "feel" like I understand the reasons behind the emotions and feelings going on in my head. Once I have a better understanding of myself and why I feel the way that I do, I can then work on the issue. I'm a pretty analytical person...I like to know the who, where, why, and how of things.

     There are some things about my mom where I have been saying to myself, "It is what it is. Now onto the next thing". I thought I was working on acceptance towards her, however, the anger stayed. I've realized that even though I thought I was working on acceptance I wasn't dealing with all of the betrayal I have felt for so long. It's not just the betrayal either, but the judgement that goes with it. Thinking that she should have known better and should have made different decisions in many areas of MY LIFE, and forgetting that it was her life too. Judging her choices and decisions because they weren't what I think she should have done or should BE doing. Judging her for not being able to let go, forgive, and move forward when I have been unable to do the same concerning her. Then wallowing in my own self-justification of my anger and unforgiveness towards her. Allowing my anger to feed into more anger.

     Am I really justified in judging her the way that I do...no because I am not perfect. I do not make perfect choices, and how can I condemn her for something I find myself doing...harboring unforgiveness and not moving on.

Romans 2:3-5 (New Living Translation)

" ³ Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things? ⁴ Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? ⁵ But because you are stubborn and refuse to turn from your sin, you are storing up terrible punishment for yourself  ".

     What that verse is saying is, we will be judged in the same way in which we judge others, and that by holding onto those judgements we are storing up punishment for ourselves...ouch!! There is only one just judge and that is God. God has not put me here on this earth so that I may judge my mom (or anyone else). Am I allowed to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, and sad...yes, of course I am. I am allowed to have feelings and to feel the way that I do. However, I am not supposed to allow my feelings to harbour unforgiveness and judgement. I am to rule over my feelings, and not to have my feelings rule over me.

Luke 17:4 (New Living Translation)

"Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive”.

Matthew 6:14,15 (New Living Translation)

"¹⁴ If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins".

     Wow!! Matthew is such a powerful verse for me. I refuse to put my forgiveness of sins in jeopardy because I refuse to forgive someone of the wrong they have done. Forgiveness of my sins is way to precious to me to trade it in for unforgiveness. To me this verse is all about the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross. Jesus suffered being beaten BEYOND recognition, mocking, and Crucifixion on the cross so that everyone sins may be forgiven. Which means that not only did Jesus pay the price for my sins, but he paid the price of the sins of those who have wronged me. How can I then stand in a position of judgment as to who is worthy of forgiveness and who is not when it has already been decided and paid for...I can't and I have no right to; which is exactly what I think Matthew 6:14,15 is saying.

     So, now that we have established that I have no right to hold onto this unforgiveness lets get down to the nitty-gritty of it all. What keeps me from letting it go? What have I to fear? Here is some of what I have realized. One of the things that keeps me from letting go is wallowing in my self-justification of my judgement and anger towards her...it keeps the cycle going. If I justify her, then does that mean that I also justify all the ways in which she has hurt me and has failed to protect me? Since she failed to protect me from my abuse and failed to make choices that I feel could have prevented the abuse (and choices in general that I feel she should have made), and I absolve her of that; does it then mean that I deserved what happened to me? My anger towards her drives me to be a better mother to my children than she was to me. So, then what happens when that drive is gone? Will I fail to push myself to continue to find ways in which I can better myself as a parent? I suppose if I were to let it all go the world would not end, and there would be a brighter tomorrow. You see, I have to allow myself to realize that letting go of the anger, hurt, and judgement doesn't make what she has done ok or lessen the hurt that I have felt, and it certainly doesn't make the abuse ok. I have to allow her to be human...mistakes and all; and not expect her to be some kind of super-mom who was capable of stopping the unstoppable.

     I'd like to be honest with you here...I don't want to pretend like this is all easy for me. There have been lots of times when I don't want to give into forgiveness, and want to hold onto my anger. Despite what people may think, I don't want to forgive my mom for her sake...I'm doing it for mine. I have allowed my anger to progress to the point where if forgiveness really had anything to do with her, I don't know if I would even bother with it. Forgiveness benefits the person who is giving it more than the one who is receiving it. So, I will forgive her for my sake and for the sake of my girls. Unforgiveness is like a cancer that eats away at you. It eats away at your happiness, comfort, patients, and peace...all of which affects your relationships with others. There is a law in the Bible called the "Law of Sowing and Reaping". It states that you reap what you sow.

Galatians 6:7-10 (New Living Translation)

" ⁷ Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. ⁸ Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. ⁹ So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. ¹⁰ Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith".

     I don't want my children to feel about me the way that I feel about my mom, right now, later on in life when they are grown. If I continue on this path of unforgiveness and sowing the seeds thereof, I will reap a harvest of unforgiveness towards myself. I'm the only one who has the power to change that by choosing the path of forgiveness. So, I will push myself out of my comfort zone to do what is right not only in the sight of God, but to do what is right for the sake of my kids.

     I would like to encourage you to deal with your anger now before it reaches the point at which mine is at. I feel like the Lord has shown me something about my anger and how far I have allowed it to take me. While I was reading my Bible the word "scorner" stood out to me. This is what Strong's Complete Word Study Concordance has to say, "...means to deride or to boast so as to express utter contempt. The activity of the scornful is condemned as an abomination to people (Pr 24:9) and contrary to the Law of the Lord (Ps 1:1)". The word "deride" means, "to speak of or treat with contempt, mockery, or ridicule; scoff or jeer at" (definition found on www.thefreedictionary.com). I would like to share some Bible verses that talk about the scorner...

Proverbs 9:8 (King James Version)

"⁸Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee".

Proverbs 9:12 (King James Version)

" ¹²If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: but if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it".


Proverbs 19:29 (King James Version)
"Judgements are prepared for scorners, and stripes for the back of fools".

Proverbs 21:24 (New Living Translation)

" ²⁴ Mockers [scorners] are proud and haughty; they act with boundless arrogance".

Proverbs 22:10 (King James Version)

"¹⁰Cast out the scorner, and contention shall go out; yea, strife and reproach shall cease".

Proverbs 24:9 (New Living Translation)

" ⁹ The schemes of a fool are sinful; everyone detests a mocker [scorner]".

     I believe that the Lord was showing me that this path can lead me down the path to becoming a scorner, and that in some ways I already am. It's a painful truth to see about one's self. I have been in the wrong for holding onto my unforgiveness and for scorning her, and it is something that I will take before the Lord and ask for His forgiveness. I know in my heart that I have spoken of my mom with mockery, ridicule, and have "boast[ed] so as to express utter contempt". I have treated her with contempt and ridicule at times. I have always tried to treat my mother as nicely as I could at any given moment, but that doesn't mean that my anger and hurt haven't shown through my actions and words. There are times when I feel so hurt and betrayed that forgiveness is beyond what I am capable of doing. It's at times like that where I know that Jesus and me hand in hand can do anything. I know that this has been such a long post, and I want to thank you for reading all of it. Just writing all of this has helped me to move forward. I hope to share more thoughts soon about how I plan on forgiving my mom. I know that with God's help I will be able to forgive her.

Philippians 4:13 (King James Version)

"¹³I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me".