OK, it's time for some total honesty here...more than anything I want to be healed from my past, but there is a part of me that is afraid of the healing. I'm determined for good to be produced out of this horrible time of my life. To use my experiences to help others. I guess that I'm afraid that if I were to just drop it and forget about it, then who will validate what happened to me? I've had a hard time finding the support that I crave, and I'm learning to try to heal with giving myself that support that I crave. So, if I no longer hold onto it, then who will care about what happened to me? Will I have suffered a horrible childhood for nothing? How then can good come of it if it was all in vain? I guess that I'm afraid that it will mean that what Jon did was OK, and I know that it WAS NOT OK. I know that to truly be able to help others that I need to heal, but at the same time it feels like I can't help if I fully let go of it. It's a fear that is keeping me locked up, and unable to fully heal. I have to find a way to over come this fear if I am to heal from my past, and be able to live the life that I want to live!!!
I like to write, and this blog is helping me to think out loud. When I write these posts it helps me to put my feelings down in writing, and makes them clearer for me to see just what it is that I'm feeling. It's a real roller coaster at times full of conflicting and confusing thoughts that are not always easy to work through. With today's post I was able to figure out more clearly why in the back of my mind I find healing scary, and I was able to realize that I have to let go of that fear. I'm not going to pretend that it will be easy. In fact, I think that it's going to be really hard for me to do because I am afraid that no one will care about what happened to me; and I want to know that people care, and that what happened does matter. But I am committed to my healing, and to doing what it takes to heal; even if that means overcoming my fears.
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