Clarification On "Life And Death Are In Words" Post

     I just want to let everyone know that I wanted to clarify something on the posting "Life And Death Are In Words". So, here is a copy of the change I made:

" I don't want to get graphic, so I'll just say that I know more about the circumstances surrounding my conception than anyone should ever know (Now, here's a note: what I'm considering graphic most of you probably wouldn't consider graphic or not that graphic, but it's enough to gross me out)".

Life And Death Are In Words

     Our Words are so important, and I don't think that we realize just how big of an impact they can have on people. The words that we say can have lasting effects on those who hear them. Like wise the words we hear can have lasting effects on us. Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof". We all produce fruit with our words, and we will reap either the benefits or consequences of our words.

     It doesn't take much to leave a lasting impression. A few critical words can produce perfectionism in our lives that can drive us in a variety of unhealthy ways. For me, a memory that I remember very clearly is a time in which my step-dad, Jon, had asked me to do a chore...a few minutes later he came back to tell me to do a second chore. Then yet again a few more minutes went by and he came back to give me a third chore to do, and got mad and frustrated that I hadn't finished the first two chores. I was too slow, and should have been finished according to him. To be honest, I don't remember everything that he said to me over the years; I just remember how I felt. Not just his words, but his body language told me: I couldn't do things good enough; something would always be lacking. After all not everyone could be as brilliant as he was. You see, He sees himself as being far superior to those around him. I felt unwanted and alone. I wanted to feel like I was worthy of approval. This atmosphere fostered in me a sense of perfectionism. Which can work in one of two ways: (1) you work really hard to become an over achiever and (2) you become paralyzed and don't try. Starting in my pre-teen and teen years (probably even earlier) I worked so hard to be perfect...to fix everything. It took a huge toll on my health, and I ended up in my late teens through my early 20's having a lot of stomach issues. My body could no longer handle the stress and pressure of what was going on in my life. The older I've gotten the more my perfectionism paralyzes me. A chore or task will get so worked up in my mind to impossible standards that there is no way that I or anyone else would be able to preform at the level at which I hold myself accountable to. My own standards upon myself shuts me down, and I seek to be distracted from it. So, in times past, I have developed addiction cycles with watching t.v and with being on the Internet (mainly playing farmvile on facebook). The more overwhelmed I felt the more I sought to hide from it, and the more I hid from it the more over whelmed I felt. It's a vicious cycle that is hard to break. Over the years I have learned to tell when I start to feel like I'm going to shut down, and have learned how to take it one step at a time to keep from shutting down. I'm not perfect at it, but at least I'm working on it and making improvements.

     Another instance of the impact of words in my life would be yet another example of something my step-dad, Jon, said to me only a few times. He told me that he likes the out side lane on the highway because if someone tries to side swipe him/come into his lane he has an out/room to move to avoid being hit. Where as in the other lanes you can get boxed in with no where to go. I don't care much for driving on the highway or in traffic for that matter. When I'm surrounded by cars I start to feel a bit claustrophobic. I feel invisible and fear tries to work it's way in...that no one will see that I'm there and come into my lane and hit me. Granted some of these feelings probably come from feeling invisible most of my life, but his words triggered this particular fear of being surrounded by vehicles. When I get nervous my hands sweat which only makes me more nervous if I'm the one driving. If I'm not the one driving I'll hold onto my seat belt for dear life, or put my foot down like I'm stepping on the breaks, or how about this one...holding onto the door. My hands begin to sweat and my heart rate goes up. I feel a loss of control when I'm not the one driving and it scares me. As a teenager when ever I got out of the car, when my step-dad had been driving, I would swear to myself that I would never get back into a car with him again. His "aggressive" driving scared me, and I constantly thought that we were going to get into accidents. I have realized lately just how out of balance this "fear" has gotten, and it's something that I'm going to have to remedy.

     I want to give just one more example. I could give lots of examples...I've heard things that have affected the way I view eating, things about myself, and my life. This example comes from something my mom has told me. I don't want to get graphic, so I'll just say that I know more about the circumstances surrounding my conception than anyone should ever know (Now, here's a note: what I'm considering graphic most of you probably wouldn't consider graphic or not that graphic, but it's enough to gross me out). I know my dad had a five year waiting plan for kids, and that I was born before this five year plan was complete. I know that my mom wanted to have kids so bad that she was probably suffering from depression from not getting pregnant as fast as she had wanted. I know my mom meant no harm, but the things that she has told me left me feeling like I was unplanned and unwanted by my dad. I feared upsetting my dad, and that doing so would cause him to take his love and approval away from me forever. My parents divorced when I was two, and as far back as I can remember I have always been afraid of hurting my dad's feelings and of him taking his love away from me. I don't know at what age my mom started telling me about his five year plan and my conception, but I know that I was probably pre-teen or a teenager. I believe that somewhere I heard or was given the impression that I could lose my dad's love and approval forever at the youngest of ages. I may not have the memories to prove it, but I have a life time of fear that had to have been placed there somehow. It affected my relationship with my dad in that I didn't feel like I could be open and honest with him. I didn't feel like I could go to him in times of trouble and difficulties...let alone for help when life was a living hell.

     Words speak life and death into lives. We have to learn to accept words that are spoken to us that speak life into our lives, and how to cancel out the words that speak death and destruction into our lives. I believe that everyone knows the pain of having hurtful and destructive things spoken to them. If we all take a good look at our lives we can see not only how words have shaped our lives, but how they have shaped us...our personality, and how we deal with things. So, please remember the pain hurtful words have caused you, and choose to speak life into the lives of others and into your own life as well. We can choose to accept or to cancel out what has been spoken to us and over us. Pain doesn't go away over night, but with persistence and a healing hand from the Lord we can be made whole again.

Fall Apart by: Josh Wilson

     This really is a great song. I can really relate to the lyrics in this song..."My whole world is caving in but I feel you now more than I did then. How can I come to the end of me and some how still have all I need. God I want to know you more maybe this is how it starts I find you when I fall apart". God has never failed to show up during the times I've felt so lost and needed him to show me that he is still there. In fact some of the times in my life where I have experienced God like never before have been during the times that I've struggled the most. I know that when I am at my weakest God is at His greatest...this way there is no doubt that it's God working in my life, and I cannot take credit for something that he has done. I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do.

Remind Me Who I am by: Jason Grey

     I really like this song because I can relate to it so well. There have been so many times when I have asked God to show me who I am in him. Times when I have just felt so lost that I just needed God to reach down and tell me that he still sees me, and he never failed to do so. We all have had others give us labels and we have given labels to ourselves too...I love how at the end of this video all the labels are replaced with just one word...BELOVED! Even though I have come such a long way on my healing journey I can still feel something way deep down in me that is in awe and says "Wow, how can that be me...how can I be called beloved". Knowing that God loves me enough to call me beloved humbles me to my core, and at times brings me to my knees in tears. I am so humbled by and thankful for the love of God in my life. I want you to know that God loves you too and wants to call you his beloved as well. I hope you like and enjoy this song just as much as I do.

Feeling Out Of Place

     Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to socialize with people. I had a great time with my family on Thanksgiving, but I felt out of place and didn't know what to talk to people about. Telling potty training stories before sitting down to eat really isn't something that people are going to want to hear about before they eat. There is only so much to share when it comes to talking about the house that my husband and I just bought...which is such a blessing! While everyone was talking about how their year has been and all that is going on in their lives I was at a loss as to what to share. I love my life, but there isn't a lot to share. I could talk about all the great progress that I've made this year in my healing journey, but I can feel people getting physically uncomfortable as soon as I mention it. It's like the whole atmosphere changes. I know my family feels bad about what happened to me, and they probably just don't know what to say...which is what probably leads to that all around uncomfortable feeling in the atmosphere. Sometimes I wish that I could be more open with them and share with them what I've been through and the many ways in which I have healed. At the same time I tend to try to protect them from it. Healing isn't always pretty, and I don't want my family to hurt. It's something I try to carry on my own, and I don't want them to have to carry any of it. I guess I wish that I felt more comfortable talking to them about it, and that they felt more comfortable hearing about the healing journey.

Finding The Beauty In The Storm

     Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and it's that time of year when we think about all the things that we are thankful for. I'm thankful for so many things...my husband, kids, family, friends, my house, health, etc. I'd like to talk about some things you wouldn't expect to see on that list. I once over heard someone use the phrase "finding the beauty in the storm". It was just enough to catch my attention and to activate my imagination. I'd like to talk about some of the beauty that I've found in my own storm.

     Let me just say this before I get started. I would NEVER wish the things that I have been through on anyone!! There are, however, certain things about me that I otherwise wouldn't know about myself if I had not gone through the journey that I now find myself on. There is a saying that goes something like this: you don't know how strong you are until it's all you have left. I have found that I am so much stronger than I could have ever though possible. First and foremost I give God all the glory for the strength that I have found. At all times I find my strength in him; especially when I'm at my weakest.

     I am thankful for the strength that God has given me to get through court, to make it this far, and for strength yet to come. I knew court was going to be difficult, but as much as I tried to  mentally prepare myself I was still ill prepared for what I faced and the emotions that would surface. I knew Jon's attorneys would come at me hard, and that there would be very little that the District Attorney would be able to do to help me out while I was on the stand. I avoid confrontation when at all possible; so, as you can imagine I was quite nervous at the idea having to face Jon's attorneys and all the things that they might throw at me. So, when the time came I made sure I kept my guard up at all times, and listened very carefully to the words that came from Jon's attorneys. He starts out talking about one thing and then another, and twisting it all up so that it is almost impossible to follow his train of thought. All I know is that it sounded like he was trying to get me to say that I though that I was Jon's underage wife!!! I couldn't hardly believe that he had the nerve to even suggest such a horrid thing. Thinking about this still angers me, and makes me laugh. I'm feel insulted that he would even go there, and I laugh at the desperation it shows for him to even suggest such a thing. Jon's attorneys tried to get me to say that I'm delusional. Ha! Nice try, but I know what I know, and I know what happened to me. I never would have thought I could have stood up for myself the way that I did during court. Court by far is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. I am, however, grateful for the experience because it is also one of the things I am most proud of.

     I am thankful for all the insight that I have gained over the years. Getting to spot unhealthy aspects of my life, discovering what "healthy" should look like, being able to choose to stop being a part of unhealthy family cycles (I'm still working on this one, but doing good), and finding the joy in watching myself become the person who I know I'm meant to be. I am grateful for the work that God has done in me and in my life. For the ways in which my healing journey has brought me closer to God. I'm thankful for being able to find the beauty in my storm.

Dream Evolution

     Like most trauma survivors I have had over the years many haunting dreams. These dreams have evolved for the better over the years. When a survivor first starts their healing journey, it's so hard to swallow, the often given advice, "it gets better over time". There can be times when you wonder what does that mean anyway...nope, this is never going to go away, and this is as good as it's gonna get; so I better learn how to get used to feeling like this. I think a lot of people's despair comes from such a place as that. Thinking that the pain will never go away, and that they better get used to feeling like they are trapped in a dungeon cell and dying. Healing then becomes...a dream. Like one of those life long goals that some of us make that always seems to be unattainable for what ever reason...it becomes a fantasy that only happens in the fairy tails. Awe yes, that fairy tail fantasy called...healing.

     I can honestly say that it DOES get better over time...as long as...you are truly fighting for, seeking and receiving your healing. A person can hand you your healing on a silver platter, but if you don't accept and receive it...you'll never obtain it. I have found in my own healing journey there were just some things that I had to accept, and only with that acceptance was I able to move forward. Let me give you an example from my own life. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried I could only go so far in my healing, and I kept bumping into the same old wall unable to break through it. I knew I had more healing to do so I just couldn't accept where I was at. I knew I had to keep fighting for my healing. While doing some group therapy I had a revelation. I started to understand what that wall was all about that I kept running into. You see, I was afraid that if I fully and truly let go of it all it would some how mean that what Jon did to me was ok. That if I didn't scream it from the mountain tops that no one would. If I didn't stand up and say what he did was wrong no one would, and then by default what he did would no longer be wrong. I had to come to the realization on my own that wrong would still be wrong weather I scream it from the mountain tops or not. That God would always see what Jon did as being wrong, and that God would always be my vindicator. I took Jon to court and he was found guilty; so, I had to give myself some credit for standing up for myself and standing up to Jon. I had to ACCEPT these things so that I could let go and move forward in my healing. So, that is what I mean when I talk about accepting and receiving our healing. Some times we may have to accept some things (even things that may seem difficult or impossible to accept) in order to be able to take hold of our healing, to grasp it so we may receive it and walk in it. At least that is what I have found to be true in my own life and my own healing journey. It wasn't easy for me to let go of the need to scream it from the mountain tops and being the voice that said "what he did was wrong", but knowing the freedom that would come from letting go of the drive to do that made it all worth it. I can still be, however, that voice who tells of the misdeeds that were done in secret, and scream it from the mountain tops (if I so desire)...but it will no longer define the "rightness" or "wrongness" of what was done to me.

     Now, onto the topic...the evolution of my dreams. They started out, as you probably can guess, with Jon attacking me, and me trying to get away from him. There were times when the attacks felt so real that I could physically feel like I had been attacked after I woke up. Those kind of dreams can leave me feeling emotionally off for a few days. Slowly I start to fight back in some of those dreams, instead of just trying to get away. Then there are the dreams where I'm trying to convince my mom of what a bad guy he really is and she just doesn't get it, or she does and just doesn't care. I also have that same kind of dream but instead of just trying to convince my mom I'm trying to convince anyone and every one I see in my dream...usually I'm just ignored by everyone in these types of dreams, but at least I'm speaking out. Ah, yes, then there are the dreams where I'm trying to make my mom pick...it's either him or me, and she can't choose both. I usually loose out on these kind of dreams (she refuses to pick, has a mental break down, or just ignores what's going on...either way what ever the reason it doesn't work in my favor), but at least I'm taking a stand. There are also the ones where Jon has gotten out of jail and my mom still wants to be with him even though she knows what he has done. I will say that I have had a few dreams where my mom was trying to help me get him out of our lives by simply trying to get away from him. I have dreams where Jon is coming after me and I fight back. The things I do to him usually don't affect him in any way, and it's like I'm not even hitting him with anything. It's like no matter what I do it has no affect, and no one cares, but at least I'm fighting back. Some dreams that he is in aren't even about him...he is just another person in the dream (and that's just fine with me when you consider what the dream could be like); I do fine as long as he doesn't try to come near me, but as soon as he does I lose it in my dreams. The good ones are when I get right in his face and yell at him. These are the most common ones that I have these days. I tell him I'm not afraid of him, I'm not afraid of telling everyone, that I can't stand him, and that I want him to leave. His reactions to my words usually isn't the best. For example: in my last dream he swung at my head twice with a wooden base ball bat, but I went back after him with a metal one. So, as you can see, in my dreams, I'm becoming increasingly more bold and less afraid of fighting him. I can feel my confidence in facing him and taking him on in a fight growing in my dreams. However, after I've said what I had to say the dream usually ends right about that time; so, I have yet to get to see him turn around and actually leave, but I think I will one day.

     I have gone long periods of time with out having a dream with him in it. What I consider at this point to be a long period of time is anywhere from a few months to about six months (which I think is the longest that I've gone). A while back I noticed that I have dreams with Jon in them when I'm stressed out. So, now when I have a dream with him in it I know I am probably more stressed out than I think I am with what ever it is that is going on in my life at that time.

     What I would like for you to receive from this post is: yes in the beginning the dreams are very unpleasant to say the least, but I would like for you to see and to have the hope that it won't always be like that. The more I worked through the pain and hurt, the bolder I got in my dreams. The more I healed the more the dreams changed in my favor. I believe that one day they will stop all together, and that is my hope for you as well. That you will have your own dream evolution for the better, and one day they will stop for you as well.

Good Bye Missouri

      Good Bye Missouri. I will miss your beauty.

     One of the ups and downs of being a military wife is that we get to live in different places all over the world. The up side to it is getting to live in a variety of places (so far for us...Oklahoma to Germany and Missouri to Texas). We get to see and experience things that we otherwise would not have. The down side is having to say good bye to all the great friends we make along the way...although it's never really a good bye; it's just "until next time".

      Like so many, we went to Missouri "kicking and screaming". We didn't want to go someplace that had a nick name of "Lost in the Woods". However, God always knows what he's doing!! We've been through so much not just as a family, but as individuals as well while living in Missouri. God saw us through it all. Some of the hardest times of my life were in Missouri, but it was just part of "the bigger picture" a process to bring me out of the dungen of my past that I found myself in. For you see, Missouri is the place where I truly sought healing from my past...where I had an all out/drag out fight with it...and WON!! God is good and is worthy to be praised!!! So, you see Missouri is the place that God brought me to, to find my healing. He placed us in a great church (New Beginnings Revival Center, in Wayensville) where we were able to grow in God. The people are great, friendly, and I knew that if I needed them they would be there for me. I didn't open up to them like I would have liked to at times, but that's on me...and lies with my struggles to open up to people in general. I truly loved being a part of that church, and they will always be in my heart, and a part of me. I had a great Christian counselor, and went to group counseling which was a tremendous help to me. Outside of group counseling and my counselor, I didn't feel like I could open up to anyone with the struggles that I was facing...I just wasn't brave enough to seek further support from others (even though it was right there in front of me for the taking). Even in the midst of that God had me surrounded with people and in an environment that kept God as the center. An environment in which all around me was nothing but examples of how to use my faith in God to get me through the hard times and to grab hold of the healing that God had promised me.

      Missouri is the land where I found my healing, and Texas is where I will learn to walk in it daily. I have great expectations for Texas. I expect God to do great and marvelous things in my life here, and to take me to the next level in my walk with God. No matter where I go or where the Army sends my family, I expect God to show up and show us how to walk closer to him. To continue to reveal to us our destiny in him, and to show us how to walk in it.

      So, again I say...Good bye Missouri. I will miss your beauty, and I'm grateful for the healing that I've found while living there...thank you for allowing God to use you in such a way in my life.

Moving Back To My Home State Is Harder Than I Thought It Would Be

     I'm a military wife (and proud of it!!). We are currently in the process of doing a military move to our home state of Texas. While we have been home to visit several times, this time it's different for me. I knew that moving back to Texas would bring back some unpleasant memories and feelings, but I didn't think that it would hit me as hard as it has. It's amazing how fast old feelings can come back...feelings that I've gotten past and haven't had to deal with in a while. Feelings of not belonging, of being different, not fitting in...of being a leper. Feeling like I've been betrayed by my mom. While she didn't actually know the abuse was going on, I think that she knew something wasn't right, and ignored her gut instinct that said something was wrong.

     It feels like I'm returning to the scene of the crime, and that is an unpleasant feeling indeed. While I was thinking about this yesterday I had a thought that I think only God would have put there. The thought was this...go to the house pray for it and bless it. Only God would say something like that. As I thought about it I could picture the layout of the house and the rooms in it. I tried to picture myself along with others praying in each room of the house, and I couldn't handle it. I broke down and started to cry. I tryed to cry quitely as to not bring attention to myself. I didn't want my husband to see that I was crying, and I didn't want to tell him what was going on with me. Moving back to Texas is something that we have taked about and have both agreed to, and wanted to do. I don't want him to feel bad that being home this time is harder for me than it has been in the past. I keep telling God that I don't want to go back into bondage. Reminding God (and myself) that I have been delivered from my past, and there is no reason to allow those old feelings to riegn over me again. I've been asking God for strength to help me not to back slide into allowing my past to rule once again. I know God has set me free from it and I refuse to allow my past to try to rule over me again. I thank God for a very good friend of mine who called me yesterday, and talked to me. I felt so much better afterwards. I know that I can't go to my childhood home alone and ask them if I can pray for their house, and I won't even try to do that. The people living there don't even know who I am, and would probably think I'm crazy. I would consider going with others for support. I don't even know if I would be able to speak standing there in that house. I would probably need to have someone do the praying for me. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it, but I also know that God wouldn't ask me to do something that I couldn't handel.

     As I lay in bed lastnight, I did pray for that house and asked God to bless the house and the rooms in it. I asked God to bind the pincipalites and powers, and evil spirits that were at work in the home, while I was growing up, to be bound in the name of Jesus, and to be sent to Jesus to be delt with according to God's will. That the gound that was once cursed (because to me it feels like cursed ground) to now be blessed in the name of Jesus. I can honestly say that I feel much better today. Not all the feelings that I've been struggling with have gone away completly, but I'm confidante that they will. I will set my mind on things to come and not on my  past. I know my God will help me through this!!

The Knowledge Of Good And Evil: Part 1

     Ok, so I know that I started this series once before, but here we go. Every time I think I'm done with this paper I see more that I want to work on in the paper. So, I'm going to just go ahead a post what I have on it...I'd say I'm done this time, but I know better than that...lol. I hope that you will enjoy reading this series.

I recently was reading over the fall of man, and how the devil deceived Eve into eating the forbidden fruit in the garden. Now, Adam and Eve were already experiencing good. They received of the goodness of God, but because they had no reference point, they did not know that they were experiencing the goodness of God. The way it has been explained to me, which I have found to be very helpful, is to compare it to a baby. When a parent feeds, clothes, and takes care of an infant, the baby is experiencing good, but does not understand that what he or she is experiencing is called good because he/she has never experienced good before. The same principal can be applied to evil. So, when Adam and Eve partook of the forbidden fruit from "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil" (Genesis 2:17) they had an awakening of the knowledge of good and evil. While reading about Adam and Eve I saw some similarities between the hardships that they went through and that of the hardships of a survivor of abuse. The things that I’m going to write about can be applied to many areas of our lives, and is not limited to people who have suffered through abuse. I’m relating this to the area of abuse due to the experiences that I’ve had in my own life, and the things that I have learned along the way. So, let’s dive right into it. 

 

Here's how the fall of mankind happened: 

 

First, God gave a commandment to Adam saying, "Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die" (Genesis 2:16, 17). Then in Genesis 2:18 Eve was created, “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet [aid] for him”.  Adam called her woman because she was taken out of man, and was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh (Genesis 2:23). So, Eve was created AFTER God gave the commandment to Adam about not eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. It is a widely held assumption that Adam had to have told Eve about God’s commandment, and we can only assume that there was some kind of miscommunication about what God had said due to what seems like a slight misunderstanding of God’s commandment that we will see here shortly. 

 

Now, enters Satan in the form of a serpent set out to deceive, and this is where it gets interesting. Genesis 3:1 says, “Now the serpent was more subtil [cunning/crafty] than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he [the devil] said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?” Here we see the devil misquoting God and saying the complete opposite of what God really said.  

 

This is where Eve gets into some trouble because this is where we see she has a misunderstanding of God's word. Eve also miss-quotes God by saying in Genesis 3:2-3, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die". The miss-quote here is where Eve says they are not even allowed to touch the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil without dying. This is where we see that there must have been some kind of miscommunication between Adam and Eve. Perhaps in his zeal to convey to Eve just how important it was to not eat the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil he told her to just leave it alone and to not even touch it. The Bible does not record how that conversation went, so that is just a huge guess on my part. 

 

Now, Satan sees that he can exploit and deceive Eve because of a weakness that he perceives in her understanding of God's word. Hosea 4:6 tells us that God’s people are destroyed because of their lack of knowledge. Satan comes back at Eve with this contradiction to God's word, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil" (Genesis 3:4-5). So, Satan tells Eve that not only will she not die if she eats this fruit, but that if she does eat it that she will become like God.

click here for Part 2
click here for Part 3
click here for Part 4

The Knowledge Of Good And Evil: Part 2

Click here to read Part 1
Click here to read Part 3
Click here to read Part 4

Genesis 3:6-11; 17-19 tells the rest of the story that I want to look at:

 

"(6) And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. (7) And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. (8) And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden. (9) And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? (10) And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. (11) And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? (17) And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; (18) Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shall eat the herb of the field; (19) In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return". 

 

There are several things that I want to take a look at here. The first thing is that Eve saw the fruit and saw that it looked good to eat. Eve probably took the fruit in her hands and gave it a good looking over. If you'll remember, Eve told the serpent that they couldn't eat or touch the fruit of that tree without dying. So, when she didn't die from touching the fruit, doubt of God's word probably set in. Eve also fell prey to these three things that can get anyone into trouble: (1) lust of the flesh, (2) the lust of the eyes, and (3) the pride of life. These three things the Bible says are not from God but is of this world (1John 2:16 “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world”). First Eve fell prey to the lust of the eyes. She looked at the fruit, and it became desirable to her. She then lusted after it which is the lust of the flesh. In other words…she wanted it; she wanted to be like God. She wanted to have the knowledge that God has, and I think there was probably some jealousy and pride involved here in wanting to be like God; this is the pride of life. So, not only did she eat the forbidden fruit, but she gave it to Adam to eat as well. Proverbs 1:7 tells us, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge”. While Psalm 111:10 puts it this way, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments…”.  So, this begs the question…where was their fear of the Lord at on that day, in that moment of time, when they ate of the forbidden fruit? I’m not sure I have the answer to that. My best guess would be in that moment of time the lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, and the pride of life was greater than their fear of the Lord in that brief moment of time (something that happens to us all when we are blinded by our desires). Which I then believe came crashing down when they realized what they had done. 

 

Here comes the wake-up call that I'm sure they instantly regretted. They suddenly knew what it meant to be naked, and had the full knowledge of what good and evil was. They were afraid because of their disobedience towards God. They tried to cover themselves up, and tried to hide from the presence of God. They didn't have to tell God what they had done because their actions spoke for themselves, and it was a sign to God of their disobedience. Adam and Eve’s actions spoke to the fact that they disobeyed God’s commandment, and likewise it would have been their actions afterwards that would have spoken of repentance.  

 

Now, after the fall of Adam and Eve the Bible no longer talks about God coming down and walking openly with Adam and Eve. It’s not that God didn’t want to come down and walk with them, but it is that he no longer could because of the sin nature that was now in them. Before their fall they were in a sinless state of being, and because there was no sin in them they could see the face of God and live. Exodus 33:20 says, “And he [God] said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live”. It’s the sin nature that is within us that makes it impossible for us to stand face to face before a Holy God and live. Yet, due to his love, mercy, and grace for them (and us) God withdrew his physical presence from Adam and Eve so that they could re-cultivate their relationship with him. I believe that God may have kept his spiritual presence (his Spirit) with them, but just withdrew his physical presence from them. Romans 5:20 states, “…where sin abounded, grace did much more abound:”, and Romans 6:23 states, “For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life though Jesus Christ our Lord”. This verse in 2 Peter 3:9 drives it home…and it says, “The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is long-suffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance”. God loves us all and desires to give us all a chance to come to repentance and into a right relationship with him. This is why I believe God withdrew his physical presence from Adam and Eve in the garden.

The Knoledge Of Good And Evil: Part 3

Click here to read Part 1
Click here to read Part 2
Click here to read Part 4

 

While I was reading over all of this it occurred to me how naive and trusting they were. After all they had no knowledge or understanding of evil. All they had ever experienced was a loving and caring God who was taking care of them and looking out for their best interest. They had no concept of deceit and betrayal. I doubt that it ever occurred to Eve that the serpent was laying a trap for her. 

 

Adam and Eve paid a high price for the knowledge of good and evil. Through their disobedience, sin and death entered into the world when they ate of the fruit, and because they now had sin in their lives God could no longer walk with them face to face. They experienced a spiritual death/disconnect from God first, and then a physical death at the end of their lives. When they experienced that first spiritual disconnect from God they no longer had that intimate relationship with God that they once had. Atonement for their sins, and for all who would come after them, now had to be made. God had to make a way for us to gain back our spiritual lives in Him. We see signs of the first animal sacrifice in Genesis 3:21”Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them”. God had to first kill the animals in order to make the clothes. After this point in the Old Testament we see animal sacrifices as a way to seek redemption for our sins. However, it's not until the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ do we receive God's perfect plan for forgiveness of our sins, and to be fully reconciled with a Holy God. Ever since sin and death entered into the world mankind has been seeking a way to regain a personal/face to face relationship with God. In the Old Testament, and even today people can gain a personal relationship with God through faith. Genesis 15:6 talks about how Abram’s (Abraham’s) faith was counted as righteousness because he believed God, “And he [Abram] believed in the Lord: and he [the Lord] counted it to him [Abram] for righteousness”. Ephesians 2:8, 9, 13 says, “(8) For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: (9) Not of works, lest any man should boast. (13) But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh [near] by the blood of Christ”. I recently heard someone put it this way…when we go to God and repent of our sins; God looks at us as though we have never sinned. How amazing is that!!! When we repent of our sins and ask for forgiveness, for which God is faithful to forgive, we can then stand before him blameless and sinless. Do you fully realize what that means? It means that we can have a personal/face to face relationship with God; for which we can cry Abba Father (Romans 8:15) and know that he is near to us at all times.  

 

Now, along with this hindered relationship with God, Adam and Eve had to leave the Garden of Eden...the only home they had ever known. Genesis 3:22-23 says, “And the Lord God said, Behold the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever: Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken”. When they sinned, sin didn’t just enter into them and all who would come after them, but the whole world as well. To make this case I’d like us to take another look at Genesis 3:17-19 which says, “And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out if it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return”. In my opinion, it’s not that God is cursing the ground, but that he is stating the consequences of their disobedience, or another way to look at it is that God was prophesying over them. Since sin entered into the world, and not just Adam and Eve, the ground is now not going to be as easy to take care of and won’t provide in the ways that it otherwise would have. This is why Adam was going to have to work hard all the days of his life to survive, and why the ground was now going to bring forth thorns and thistles. Now, God is still God, and still providing for their needs. However, it is now more of a faith walk than it was before the fall of man (Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen”). Adam and Eve had to trust through faith that God would provide for their needs as they did what they were called to do in their lives. Just as Adam and Eve had a lifetime of hard work to survive so too does a survivor to heal. Healing is a difficult process, and for some will last a life time. Things that once were easy for a victim of abuse suddenly become much more difficult. For most healing doesn’t happen overnight, and any ground gained must be maintained if we wish to continue to move forward in our healing. It can seem like a never ending process…gaining new ground while maintaining that which we have already conquered.  

 

God really gave me new insight while read the book of Joshua in the Bible. To me the whole book is about going and possessing the land which God had promised, and about walking in the promises of God. Here is one of the lessons that I have learned…you cannot go and posses the land without there being a battle that has to be first fought and then won. If we as survivors wish to heal and to be able to move on with our lives we have to fight for it. You can’t put half an effort into healing; you have to put your whole heart and everything you have into it. With every battle that I’ve fought I’ve won new ground. With every new ground that has been won I have had to work (and work hard at times) to maintain the new ground won. If I don’t go and possess the land (the new ground won), then I’m in real danger of losing the victory that has just been won. I know at times it seems like one big battle after another with no rest in sight, but there are times of rest. Once the ground has been won and maintained, then there is rest. I love what Joshua 1:13 says, “Remember the word which Moses the servant of the Lord commanded you, saying, The Lord your God hath given you rest, and hath given you this land”. God has given me victories and with those victories comes rest. Hallelujah! Praise God! Some more great news is that I have not fought any of these battles on my own. God has always been by my side fighting these battles with me. I like what Joshua 23:3 says when talking about all the victories that God had given the children of Israel, “And ye have seen all that the Lord your God hath done unto all these nations because of you; for the Lord your God is he that hath fought for you”. I know that my God has fought for me, and will continue to fight for me! I also find comfort in Joshua 21:45, “There failed not ought [word] of any good thing which the Lord had spoken unto the house of Israel; all came to pass”. I know that as a child of God, he has spoken good things over my life. Every good thing that God has spoken over me will come to pass. I know it won’t all happen overnight, but it will happen…that’s a promise I can hold onto and count on.

The Knowledge Of Good And Evil: Part 4

Click here to read Part 1
Click here to read Part 2
Click here to read Part 3

Evil is such a heavy burden to those who have experienced it. If you doubt this, just ask anyone who has survived abuse, war crimes, torture, rape, or any other evil act that is out there. To a victim and a survivor it's like suddenly becoming intimately aware about what evil truly is, and no matter how hard you try to erase this knowledge from your mind it will always be there.  

 

I'm going to use sexual abuse as my example here, since this is the experience that I have had. Once you've been violated like that, it's like a whole new world has been opened up to you…one that is harsh and unforgiving; a world where the innocent is suddenly the guilty. Those who prey on others are crafty and sly in all their ways; just as the serpent was with Eve in the garden (Genesis 3:1 “Now the serpent was more subtil [cunning/crafty] than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made”). Sexual abuse is not just a crime against the body, but against the soul as well. The survivor is left feeling like they have caused this evil to come upon themselves somehow. Always wondering what it was that they did to bring about and to deserve such evil; that they must be the guilty one somehow. After all we must have done something to deserve it, or it wouldn't have happened...that's what our mind tells us anyways. We feel dirty and unworthy of love. How can we expect a Holy God or anyone else to want to have anything to do with such trash and filth? Oh, the lies...the lies we tell ourselves...the lies the devil whispers into our spirit. We can end up with such a disconnect between our hurting soul and a Holy and Loving God who cares for us. We find ourselves both searching for God and hiding from him. We search him out because we long to feel whole again, but hide because of the shame that we feel. For far too long I walked around feeling like a leper in hiding…normal looking on the outside, but disease ridden on the inside. It’s so hard to feel normal. Well, maybe I’m not, and will never be totally normal; and that’s ok because I know that God has a plan for my life. In Jeremiah 29:11 God tells me, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you…thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end”. He has plans to bless me and the struggles that I’ve been through. For God uses our trials and hardships to develop our character and to strengthen our faith. It will be the path that takes us from who we are to who we will become. 

 

      There are far too many victims of abuse whose family members would rather deny the abuse than have to deal with it. The very ones who were supposed to rally around the victim to help them fight; instead turn a blind eye, let it continue, or just deny the fact it even happened. I am thankful that my family believed me when I spoke up, but there are far too many victims who are not believed when they speak out. The victim can become the outcast of the family, and in some cases the victim gets disowned. Some victims find themselves on their own because they had to move out for simply speaking the truth of what happened to them. So many people wonder where God could be, but here is the truth of it all...Jesus came to set us free from sin, our past, our hurt, our sicknesses, from everything that keeps us from having a personal and intimate relationship with God. In 2 Corinthians 1:3 we are told that God is the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort. If we come to the cross, and lay our burdens down at the feet of Jesus he will be faithful to take our burdens upon himself...he will heal us of our pain. I've been there, and it's the most beautiful place to be; to lay it all out in front of God, and to feel peace take over the hurt and the pain. If you are angry at God for all the pain in your life please read this other post of mine by clicking [here]. In the post I talk about mankind’s free will…you see God freely loves us, and wants us to freely love him in return. That’s why he gave us free will. We can do all kinds of things with our free will. We can choose to either harm others, or to do good to others. We can choose to curse or to bless others. We can choose to hate or to love. Our fee will empowers us to make choices. Which means that others can use their free will to either choose to do good to us or to do evil upon us. It is not God who makes the choice for us or for others as to what we will do with our free will. Our actions are our responsibility; just as the actions of others are their responsibility. I also share an experience I had while my aunt and her friend were praying for me. A vision God gave me of where he was and what he was doing while the abuse was going on. I hope you will read my post entitled “Do You Blame God ForThe Hurt In Your Life”. 

 

Let’s continue, and look at the innocence of a child...they are innocent in every way; they trust those who are in their lives to only do good to them, and not evil. They do not perceive that others may not have their best interest at heart.  A child does not have a concept of betrayal or deceit. I may not have been a young child when my step-dad, Jon, started abusing me, but I still trusted him. I trusted him to keep evil far from me. That even though he lied to others, I thought surly he would never lie to me in such a way as to bring harm and evil upon me. I was a teenager when the abuse started, and yes, perhaps I should have known better than to believe all the lies that Jon was telling me. It was so much easier to believe all the lies than to face the truth of being betrayed like that. I was naive and trusting...perhaps in the same way that Eve was naive and trusting of the serpent. I had no personal, intimate knowledge of evil at the hands of someone I knew and trusted. At a young age I had become aware that evil could be done by a stranger...when one broke into the apartment that my mom and I were living in when I was about 5 years old. I saw the two of them fighting, and when I screamed for my mom he let go of her and left. That somehow seems so different to me...we are taught to expect that a stranger might hurt us in such ways, but not that someone whom we trust would do so. Both are devastating!! It's like your eyes are opened to a personal knowledge of what evil truly is. It's an experience that weighs heavy on your soul, and you wish that it all could be taken away from you. I’m sure Adam and Eve felt the same way once they truly grasped the reality of what they had done. 

 

I will never be able to be totally free from the memories of this intimate experience with evil. But praise be to God! I can be free from the effects that were left behind. In God I can find the freedom to feel safe again, to be free from the nightmares, to find out who I truly am in the eyes of my creator, to feel loved and cared for, to see that I have worth and am worthy, for all the hurt to be carried away and replaced with healing. I have to allow the knowledge of the goodness of God to outweigh the knowledge of evil that was forced upon me. I choose to dwell on the goodness of a living God who is Holy, and whose express being is love.

RAINN's 10 Safety Tips For Going Back To School

     According to RAINN's website, "College aged students are at the highest risk for being sexually assaulted; the majority of rapes are committed by someone who the victim knows. Being aware of this risk, looking out for your friends and using a bit of common sense are often the first steps in staying safe". Starting college is an exciting time...getting to meet new people, going to new places, and for many experiencing for the first time the freedom of being on your own. However, with these new adventures comes some risks and dangers. It's very important to be aware of your surroundings and what's going on around you. Getting to know a person takes time, and it's very important to make sure that you take that time to really get to know them.

Here are RAINN's 10 Safety Tips:

"1. Trust your instincts and be yourself. If you feel unsafe, or even uncomfortable, in any situation, go with your gut. Don't worry about what others think; your own safety comes first.

2.  Use your cell phone as a tool. Make sure it's fully charged before you leave home and if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, shoot a quick text for a "friend-assist." Make a plan before you go out just in case your phone dies, so you can meet up with your friends at a specific location at a certain time.

3. Be careful when leaving status or away messages online and when using the "check-in" feature on Facebook or Foursquare. Leaving information about your whereabouts reveals details that are accessible to everyone. Use common sense so that someone can’t track your every move. If you wouldn’t give the information to a stranger, then don't put it on your online profile.

4. Wait to let your guard down until people earn your trust. A college campus can foster a false sense of security. Don't assume people you've just met will look out for your best interests; remember that they are essentially strangers.

5. Don't be afraid to hurt someone's feelings. If you find yourself in an unsafe situation it's OK to lie. Make up an excuse as to why you have to go. It's better to make up a reason to leave than to stay in a possibly dangerous situation. Your safety comes before someone else's feelings.

6. If you see something, say something! Intervene if a situation seems questionable or if someone's safety is at risk. By taking action you can prevent a crime from being committed. Remember you can also contact your resident assistant or campus police.

7. Stick with your friends and watch out for each other. Arrive together, check in with one another throughout the night, and leave together. Think twice about going off alone and if, for whatever reason, you have to separate from your friends, let them know where you are going and who you are with.

8. Drink responsibly and know your limits. Don't accept drinks from people who you don't know or trust and never leave your drink unattended. If you have left your drink alone, get a new one. Always watch your drink being prepared. At parties, stick to drinks you got or prepared yourself instead of common open containers like punch bowls.

9. Watch out for your friends. If a friend seems out of it, is way too intoxicated for the amount of alcohol they've had, or is acting out of character, get him or her to a safe place. If you suspect that you or a friend has been drugged, call 911. Be explicit with doctors so they can administer the correct tests.

10. Be aware of your surroundings. Whether you're walking home from the library or at a party be mindful of potential risks. Get to know your campus and learn a well-lit route back to your dorm or place of residence. Think of a safe exit strategy. Are there people around who might be able to help you? Is there an emergency phone nearby?"

To read the whole article about RAINN's ten back to school safety tips click here.

Amazed by Kutless

     It's been about 14 years since the abuse happened, 4 years since court, and he's been out of jail for 2 years this month. Lord, "you have overwhelmed my heart, I'm amazed by who you are"!!! As I look back, only you could have brought me this far and brought healing to my life. For me it was never a matter of wondering if you would or even if you could bring me through it all; I always knew you would and I know that you will continue to bring me through it all. I am overwhelmed and amazed at all that you have done for me, and at how far you have brought me since 2002 when I started facing the truth of the abuse that I went through. Lord be lifted high and be magnified.

I'm Still Here: Healing & Growing

     I know I haven't posted anything in a long time, but I want everyone to know that I'm still here. I'm a stay at home mom with 2 kids (ages 6 years old, and 2 1/2 years old), and they keep me busy...just the way I like it. I'm still healing and growing. I feel like I've made some good progress this summer, and I continue to get stronger. God is still God, and doing great works in my life. He's the one who deserves all the glory for the great victories in my life. There is a paper that I have written that I want to post, but it still needs some revising before I can post it. I hope to have some time to work on it soon.

I would like to end with these two scriptures:

Joshua 23:3 "And ye have seen all that the Lord your God hath done unto all these nations because of you; for the Lord your God is he that hath fought for you".

Joshua 21: 45 "There failed no ought of  any good thing which the Lord had spoken unto the house of Israel; all came to pass".

      This is what I would like for you to take away from those two scriptures: I know that my God fights for me, and that all the good that he has spoken over my life has and will come to pass. He is a great God, and faithful in all things. When you trust in him and put your life in his hands; the good that he will speak over your life will come to pass and it will not fail...for he is a God that fights for you, and loves you.

Someone Worth Dying For - MIKESCHAIR

     I love this song. I sometimes struggle with feeling worthy of all that God has done for me. I like how this song gets to the heart of the matter...believing that I am worth dying for. It's so humbling to know that Jesus loves me enough to feel that I am worth dying for, and we're not talking about just any death...we're talking about the death of the cross. Jesus was mocked, spat upon, BEATEN BEYOND RECOGNITION, and crucified!! In the midst of it all Jesus gave the world the best examples of forgiveness and love this world will ever see. While hanging on the cross, in the midst of it all (all the pain and betrayal), Jesus prayed to God the Father and said "Forgive them". Jesus knowing the love that he has for us all, willingly went through the death of the cross for our sakes. So that we can be reconnected to an Almighty God that loves us, and not have to have our sin stand in the way of our relationship with a loving God. It can be so easy to think that the love and grace of God can't reach us because of the things that have happened in our lives, but the TRUTH is...no one is beyond the reach of the love and grace of God!! All you have to do is except it...except God into your heart, and all your past is covered by his love and grace, and your future will be secure in him. We are not just some wondering soul. We are his creation, made in his image, made for a purpose, and created out of love. It's in the love of God that Jesus says you are worth dying for, and he proved it by willingly going to the cross.

Do You Blame God For The Hurt In Your Life?

Do you blame God for the hurt in your life? Here are some things to consider.

     In the book, Freedom Tools: for Overcoming Life's Tough Problems author Andy Reese quotes a radio interview of William Sloan Coffin by Terry Goss from the radio program Fresh Air, WHYY Radio on April 14, 2006. William Sloan Coffin had this to say when talking about the tragic death of his son who died in a car accident:

           "People have some very goofy ideas about how the will of God operates--'I guess it was the will of God...'---as if it is the will of God that anybody gets blown up, that anybody gets shot. God was not behind the wheel--my son was. God's heart was the first of all hearts to break. God was not in the event. He was in the response to the event.

          What is hard for people is that we really do have free will. You have to have freedom if love is to be the name of the game. And if we have free will we are free to do both good and bad things--free to kill, free to love. To blame God for what people do with their freedom is not fair except in the same way that you would blame an adult if you saw a child smash an expensive watch. It is your fault for giving the child the watch in the first place. Now you can blame God for giving us human freedom. Maybe we're not ready for it, maybe we can't handle it."

     I really like this quote because it so beautifully explains what I believe. There are so many hurting people who blame God for the hurt in their lives. Events in our lives that leave us asking the question...why?...for which there is no answer. And sometimes we feel that it was God's responsibility to step in and to stop the painful event from happening.

     This is what I've been taught...God is the perfect gentlemen. God will never make us do anything that we don't want to do. God will not make us love him, serve him, or keep his commandments. God freely loves us, and wants us to freely love him in return. Which is why he gave us free will, and with this free will we have the freedom to choose what to do with it. We can choose to either harm others, or to do good to others. We can choose to curse or to bless others. We can choose to hate or to love. Our fee will empowers us to make choices. Which means that others can use their free will to either choose to do good to us or to do evil upon us. It is not God who makes the choice for us or for others as to what we will do with our free will. Our actions are our responsibility; just as the actions of others are their responsibility.

     I am not totally innocent when it comes to this. I have fallen for the lie of the enemy. In my own situation I knew that God did not forsake me in the sexual abuse that I went through, but I didn't know exactly what it was that he was doing. I assumed that he was there somewhere in that situation, but didn't know where. So I believed the lie that God was just standing around doing nothing while I was being sexually abused. Then one day I went with one of my aunts to meet a friend of hers. They sat with me and talked to me, and together we did a lot of praying. We asked God to show me truth, and to heal the broken places. The vision that God gave me is priceless, and healing to my soul. I saw Jesus standing next to Jon, my abuser, and he had his hands on Jon's shoulders and was trying to pull Jon off of me. God was there!! He was convicting Jon of his actions, but Jon chose to ignore the voice of God telling him to stop. I cannot blame God for the choices that Jon made, and I can no longer believe that God was just passively standing by and letting it happen. When no one around me knew what was going on, God was there with a broken heart. I know that God's heart broke every time Jon touched me, and spoke such horrible lies to me. When there was no one to fight for me, God was there fighting for me.

     Now some of you may look at that last statement that I just made, and think that God didn't do such a good job of fighting for me. Well, you would be wrong because God did a great job of protecting me. God did what only God could do...because of all the brain washing that Jon put me through I could be in much worse shape than I am. God did a great job at protecting my mind from being extremely messed up from all that Jon said and did to me. I truly feel that it is by the grace of God that I am able to function. God has brought so much healing to my life, and I would not have been able to make it this far in my healing journey if it weren't for the love, grace, mercy, and healing power of an Almighty God. And not only that, but God allowed me to see justice served in my life time...Jon was found guilty of two counts of sexual assault against a child. On one count Jon was sentenced to two years in prison, and on the second count Jon received ten years probation.

     So, do I blame God for what happened to me...no. Jon is the only one who holds ALL the responsibility for what happened. For Jon chose to use his free will for evil against me. What Jon meant for harm and evil against me God will turn it around and use it to bring about good in my life. God was not in the evil and sinful actions that Jon did, but God was in the response to those actions. Jon chose to ignore God telling him to stop, and Jon will have to reap the consequences of those actions.

     I know that it can be natural to blame God for things that happen to us that we don't understand. My hope is that you are able to come to a place where you can stop blaming God or being angry with God for something someone else did. That you are able to seek God; to ask him to show you what lies you are believing and to replace the lies with truth. To find healing and freedom in the truth...I have.

"You Love Me Anyway" from Sidewalk Prophets

     This is such an amazing song!!! I'm so humbled to know that God loves me anyways, and in spite of all that I've been through. Because of my childhood, I sometimes have a hard time feeling like I'm truly accepted by God, BUT I know it's just my insecurities speaking. Anyone no matter what kind of childhood or up bringing they have can have deep wounds that effects how they perceive God, and how they feel accepted by God. I know I am loved by God whether I feel like I am or not. Feelings can be very deceiving. I have to stand on the word of God, and not on my feelings. My Bible tells me that I am a beloved and cherished child of the Most High God, and that matters more to me than what I feel. It's not always easy, and I do have my moments where I cry out to God...asking him if he even sees me. God has never failed to show me that he sees me and hears my cries. God has never failed to show me that he loves me!!! This same love that God shows towards me, he will show towards you. The love of God is already there towards you; you just have to accept it.

A Talk With My Mom

     I recently had a good talk with my mom. I had the opportunity to talk to her some about forgiveness of others and forgiveness of ourselves. I got to talk to her about how un-forgiveness keeps us tied, bound, and chained to the one who did us wrong. To truly be free from them we must forgive. The only one harmed by un-forgiveness is ourselves. The other person moves on with their life completely unaware of our anger or they simply don't care about our anger towards them. Either way they are not harmed by our un-forgiveness. Only we are harmed by our un-forgiveness because all that anger wrecks havoc on our lives and our health. I have lots more to say about forgiveness and un-forgiveness, but I will save it for later.

     I shared with her that I am working very hard to let go of my anger towards her, and that I do not want to be angry at her. She asked me if I felt like she had ever minimized what happened to me, and I told her yes. I shared with her the one quote of hers that is the hardest one for me to move past..."I can't believe that Jon hated ME so much that he would do that to you". She doesn't even remember saying this to me. She apologized to me for anything that she has said or done to make me feel as though she was minimizing what was done to me. She went on to explain that comments like that come from a depressed state of mind. That when you are in a depressed state of mind like that everything becomes self centered and self focused. She told me that it is much easier for her to look at how it has affected her because it's unbearable for her to look at the ways in which it has affected me. That actually gave me some clarity and understanding of her behaviors and actions.

     We both took the time to reassure each other of some things. I reassured her that even though at times I may withdraw from her, I will not withdraw my love from her. That I may not always know how to deal with her in a healthy way, and that if she has any ideas on how I can find a healthier way of interacting with her to please let me know. My mom reassured me that she is not looking to me to feel good about herself...and, oh, how I needed to hear that. She told me that she is working hard to become a healthy person, and that she wants to have a healthy relationship with me. I really feel like our talked opened us up to more and better communication with each other. I let her know that it may take time for me to learn how to trust her "new" behaviors, and to not think that there are motives behind it which are aimed at making me responsible for her happiness. My mom was ok with that, and told me to take my time. The conversation we had was good for both of us, and provided some healing to each of us as well.

Natalie Grant- Your Great Name

     Oh, how I just absolutly love this song!!! Don't ever underestimate how powerful the name of JESUS is, and how powerful our praises of JESUS can be!!!

The Father's Love Letter

     The "Father's Love Letter" is from Father Heart Communications. It's a great way to show God's love for us by using scripture to write a love letter from God to us. So, without further adu...here it is:

My Child,

You may not know me,

but I know everything about you.

Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.

Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.

Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.

Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.

Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.

Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.

Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.

Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.

Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,

for all your days are written in my book.

Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth

and where you would live.

Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.

Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.

Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented

by those who don't know me.

John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,

but am the complete expression of love.

1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.

1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child

and I am your Father.

1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.

Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.

Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.

James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.

Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.

Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless

as the sand on the seashore.

Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.

Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.

Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you

with all my heart and all my soul.

Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.

Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,

you will find me.

Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you

the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.

Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you

than you could possibly imagine.

Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you

in all your troubles.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,

I am close to you.

Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,

I have carried you close to my heart.

Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away

every tear from your eyes.

Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain

you have suffered on this earth.

Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you

even as I love my son, Jesus.

John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.

John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.

Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,

not against you.

Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression

of my love for you.

1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved

that I might gain your love.

Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,

you receive me.

1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you

from my love again.

Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party

heaven has ever seen.

Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,

and will always be Father.

Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…

Will you be my child?

John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.

Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad

Almighty God

Father's Love Letter used by permission Father Heart Communications ©1999-2011 http://www.fathersloveletter.com/