Feeling Out Of Place

     Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to socialize with people. I had a great time with my family on Thanksgiving, but I felt out of place and didn't know what to talk to people about. Telling potty training stories before sitting down to eat really isn't something that people are going to want to hear about before they eat. There is only so much to share when it comes to talking about the house that my husband and I just bought...which is such a blessing! While everyone was talking about how their year has been and all that is going on in their lives I was at a loss as to what to share. I love my life, but there isn't a lot to share. I could talk about all the great progress that I've made this year in my healing journey, but I can feel people getting physically uncomfortable as soon as I mention it. It's like the whole atmosphere changes. I know my family feels bad about what happened to me, and they probably just don't know what to say...which is what probably leads to that all around uncomfortable feeling in the atmosphere. Sometimes I wish that I could be more open with them and share with them what I've been through and the many ways in which I have healed. At the same time I tend to try to protect them from it. Healing isn't always pretty, and I don't want my family to hurt. It's something I try to carry on my own, and I don't want them to have to carry any of it. I guess I wish that I felt more comfortable talking to them about it, and that they felt more comfortable hearing about the healing journey.

Finding The Beauty In The Storm

     Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and it's that time of year when we think about all the things that we are thankful for. I'm thankful for so many things...my husband, kids, family, friends, my house, health, etc. I'd like to talk about some things you wouldn't expect to see on that list. I once over heard someone use the phrase "finding the beauty in the storm". It was just enough to catch my attention and to activate my imagination. I'd like to talk about some of the beauty that I've found in my own storm.

     Let me just say this before I get started. I would NEVER wish the things that I have been through on anyone!! There are, however, certain things about me that I otherwise wouldn't know about myself if I had not gone through the journey that I now find myself on. There is a saying that goes something like this: you don't know how strong you are until it's all you have left. I have found that I am so much stronger than I could have ever though possible. First and foremost I give God all the glory for the strength that I have found. At all times I find my strength in him; especially when I'm at my weakest.

     I am thankful for the strength that God has given me to get through court, to make it this far, and for strength yet to come. I knew court was going to be difficult, but as much as I tried to  mentally prepare myself I was still ill prepared for what I faced and the emotions that would surface. I knew Jon's attorneys would come at me hard, and that there would be very little that the District Attorney would be able to do to help me out while I was on the stand. I avoid confrontation when at all possible; so, as you can imagine I was quite nervous at the idea having to face Jon's attorneys and all the things that they might throw at me. So, when the time came I made sure I kept my guard up at all times, and listened very carefully to the words that came from Jon's attorneys. He starts out talking about one thing and then another, and twisting it all up so that it is almost impossible to follow his train of thought. All I know is that it sounded like he was trying to get me to say that I though that I was Jon's underage wife!!! I couldn't hardly believe that he had the nerve to even suggest such a horrid thing. Thinking about this still angers me, and makes me laugh. I'm feel insulted that he would even go there, and I laugh at the desperation it shows for him to even suggest such a thing. Jon's attorneys tried to get me to say that I'm delusional. Ha! Nice try, but I know what I know, and I know what happened to me. I never would have thought I could have stood up for myself the way that I did during court. Court by far is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. I am, however, grateful for the experience because it is also one of the things I am most proud of.

     I am thankful for all the insight that I have gained over the years. Getting to spot unhealthy aspects of my life, discovering what "healthy" should look like, being able to choose to stop being a part of unhealthy family cycles (I'm still working on this one, but doing good), and finding the joy in watching myself become the person who I know I'm meant to be. I am grateful for the work that God has done in me and in my life. For the ways in which my healing journey has brought me closer to God. I'm thankful for being able to find the beauty in my storm.

Dream Evolution

     Like most trauma survivors I have had over the years many haunting dreams. These dreams have evolved for the better over the years. When a survivor first starts their healing journey, it's so hard to swallow, the often given advice, "it gets better over time". There can be times when you wonder what does that mean anyway...nope, this is never going to go away, and this is as good as it's gonna get; so I better learn how to get used to feeling like this. I think a lot of people's despair comes from such a place as that. Thinking that the pain will never go away, and that they better get used to feeling like they are trapped in a dungeon cell and dying. Healing then becomes...a dream. Like one of those life long goals that some of us make that always seems to be unattainable for what ever reason...it becomes a fantasy that only happens in the fairy tails. Awe yes, that fairy tail fantasy called...healing.

     I can honestly say that it DOES get better over time...as long as...you are truly fighting for, seeking and receiving your healing. A person can hand you your healing on a silver platter, but if you don't accept and receive it...you'll never obtain it. I have found in my own healing journey there were just some things that I had to accept, and only with that acceptance was I able to move forward. Let me give you an example from my own life. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried I could only go so far in my healing, and I kept bumping into the same old wall unable to break through it. I knew I had more healing to do so I just couldn't accept where I was at. I knew I had to keep fighting for my healing. While doing some group therapy I had a revelation. I started to understand what that wall was all about that I kept running into. You see, I was afraid that if I fully and truly let go of it all it would some how mean that what Jon did to me was ok. That if I didn't scream it from the mountain tops that no one would. If I didn't stand up and say what he did was wrong no one would, and then by default what he did would no longer be wrong. I had to come to the realization on my own that wrong would still be wrong weather I scream it from the mountain tops or not. That God would always see what Jon did as being wrong, and that God would always be my vindicator. I took Jon to court and he was found guilty; so, I had to give myself some credit for standing up for myself and standing up to Jon. I had to ACCEPT these things so that I could let go and move forward in my healing. So, that is what I mean when I talk about accepting and receiving our healing. Some times we may have to accept some things (even things that may seem difficult or impossible to accept) in order to be able to take hold of our healing, to grasp it so we may receive it and walk in it. At least that is what I have found to be true in my own life and my own healing journey. It wasn't easy for me to let go of the need to scream it from the mountain tops and being the voice that said "what he did was wrong", but knowing the freedom that would come from letting go of the drive to do that made it all worth it. I can still be, however, that voice who tells of the misdeeds that were done in secret, and scream it from the mountain tops (if I so desire)...but it will no longer define the "rightness" or "wrongness" of what was done to me.

     Now, onto the topic...the evolution of my dreams. They started out, as you probably can guess, with Jon attacking me, and me trying to get away from him. There were times when the attacks felt so real that I could physically feel like I had been attacked after I woke up. Those kind of dreams can leave me feeling emotionally off for a few days. Slowly I start to fight back in some of those dreams, instead of just trying to get away. Then there are the dreams where I'm trying to convince my mom of what a bad guy he really is and she just doesn't get it, or she does and just doesn't care. I also have that same kind of dream but instead of just trying to convince my mom I'm trying to convince anyone and every one I see in my dream...usually I'm just ignored by everyone in these types of dreams, but at least I'm speaking out. Ah, yes, then there are the dreams where I'm trying to make my mom pick...it's either him or me, and she can't choose both. I usually loose out on these kind of dreams (she refuses to pick, has a mental break down, or just ignores what's going on...either way what ever the reason it doesn't work in my favor), but at least I'm taking a stand. There are also the ones where Jon has gotten out of jail and my mom still wants to be with him even though she knows what he has done. I will say that I have had a few dreams where my mom was trying to help me get him out of our lives by simply trying to get away from him. I have dreams where Jon is coming after me and I fight back. The things I do to him usually don't affect him in any way, and it's like I'm not even hitting him with anything. It's like no matter what I do it has no affect, and no one cares, but at least I'm fighting back. Some dreams that he is in aren't even about him...he is just another person in the dream (and that's just fine with me when you consider what the dream could be like); I do fine as long as he doesn't try to come near me, but as soon as he does I lose it in my dreams. The good ones are when I get right in his face and yell at him. These are the most common ones that I have these days. I tell him I'm not afraid of him, I'm not afraid of telling everyone, that I can't stand him, and that I want him to leave. His reactions to my words usually isn't the best. For example: in my last dream he swung at my head twice with a wooden base ball bat, but I went back after him with a metal one. So, as you can see, in my dreams, I'm becoming increasingly more bold and less afraid of fighting him. I can feel my confidence in facing him and taking him on in a fight growing in my dreams. However, after I've said what I had to say the dream usually ends right about that time; so, I have yet to get to see him turn around and actually leave, but I think I will one day.

     I have gone long periods of time with out having a dream with him in it. What I consider at this point to be a long period of time is anywhere from a few months to about six months (which I think is the longest that I've gone). A while back I noticed that I have dreams with Jon in them when I'm stressed out. So, now when I have a dream with him in it I know I am probably more stressed out than I think I am with what ever it is that is going on in my life at that time.

     What I would like for you to receive from this post is: yes in the beginning the dreams are very unpleasant to say the least, but I would like for you to see and to have the hope that it won't always be like that. The more I worked through the pain and hurt, the bolder I got in my dreams. The more I healed the more the dreams changed in my favor. I believe that one day they will stop all together, and that is my hope for you as well. That you will have your own dream evolution for the better, and one day they will stop for you as well.

Good Bye Missouri

      Good Bye Missouri. I will miss your beauty.

     One of the ups and downs of being a military wife is that we get to live in different places all over the world. The up side to it is getting to live in a variety of places (so far for us...Oklahoma to Germany and Missouri to Texas). We get to see and experience things that we otherwise would not have. The down side is having to say good bye to all the great friends we make along the way...although it's never really a good bye; it's just "until next time".

      Like so many, we went to Missouri "kicking and screaming". We didn't want to go someplace that had a nick name of "Lost in the Woods". However, God always knows what he's doing!! We've been through so much not just as a family, but as individuals as well while living in Missouri. God saw us through it all. Some of the hardest times of my life were in Missouri, but it was just part of "the bigger picture" a process to bring me out of the dungen of my past that I found myself in. For you see, Missouri is the place where I truly sought healing from my past...where I had an all out/drag out fight with it...and WON!! God is good and is worthy to be praised!!! So, you see Missouri is the place that God brought me to, to find my healing. He placed us in a great church (New Beginnings Revival Center, in Wayensville) where we were able to grow in God. The people are great, friendly, and I knew that if I needed them they would be there for me. I didn't open up to them like I would have liked to at times, but that's on me...and lies with my struggles to open up to people in general. I truly loved being a part of that church, and they will always be in my heart, and a part of me. I had a great Christian counselor, and went to group counseling which was a tremendous help to me. Outside of group counseling and my counselor, I didn't feel like I could open up to anyone with the struggles that I was facing...I just wasn't brave enough to seek further support from others (even though it was right there in front of me for the taking). Even in the midst of that God had me surrounded with people and in an environment that kept God as the center. An environment in which all around me was nothing but examples of how to use my faith in God to get me through the hard times and to grab hold of the healing that God had promised me.

      Missouri is the land where I found my healing, and Texas is where I will learn to walk in it daily. I have great expectations for Texas. I expect God to do great and marvelous things in my life here, and to take me to the next level in my walk with God. No matter where I go or where the Army sends my family, I expect God to show up and show us how to walk closer to him. To continue to reveal to us our destiny in him, and to show us how to walk in it.

      So, again I say...Good bye Missouri. I will miss your beauty, and I'm grateful for the healing that I've found while living there...thank you for allowing God to use you in such a way in my life.