My Fear Is…

    After my last post, "Where It Started", I sat down and made a list of my fears which have to do with letting go of the need to want to control how my mom views and deals with her life. I'm going to share that list with all of you. Along with quotes from Joel Osteen's new book Every Day A Friday. I have found these quotes to be very helpful to me, and I find they fit rather well with dealing with my fears. Every Day A Friday is a great book, and the whole book is full of great advice…not just the little bit that I'm sharing here.

• If my mom dies and goes to hell I'm afraid of being the one standing in front of God being held responsible / accountable for her ending up in hell. All my life I've been the one who's been responsible for her…for "fixing" her. If she goes to hell then it means I didn't do my "job" right…I've failed yet again, and worse yet…this time I've failed God, and it's for all eternity. I need to realize that I am not responsible for her soul…she is. 

1. Pg. 181 –Instead of being holier than thou and judging people, our attitudes should be But for the grace of God, that could be me.
   
2. Pg. 180 –All of us have strengths, and we all have weaknesses. We are strong in certain areas not because we're great and we just decided to be strong, but because of the grace of God in our lives.
   
3. Pg. 183 –This doesn't mean you are excusing the person's behavior. What they are doing may be wrong. It may be their fault. They may have brought the trouble on themselves. But I've learned I'm not the judge. God is the Judge. I'm not here to straighten everybody out. I'm here to help bring healing. (*NOTE TO SELF* This means her life is not my responsibility. It is not my responsibility to "fix" her, but to give encouragement when needed.) 

• She hasn't shown me she can make good choices on her own…therefore, I need to continue to try to "fix" her and control how she deals with life. How arrogant of me to think it's my place to judge such a thing. It's her life to run and I have no right to try to run it for her. She does not have to prove anything to me to be able to run her own life. She doesn't owe me anything! She doesn't owe it to me to become a healthy person…to become what I would like for her to be. She doesn't owe it to me to be anything other than who she is right now at this moment. It will be a great thing for her to become a healthy person, but she doesn't owe it to me. 

1. Pg. 172 – Everyone has faults and habits that can get on your nerves. The key is to recognize what you are magnifying. You are magnifying the wrong thing when you let the critical spirit take over.
   
2. Pg. 171 -You can train yourself to see people's strengths or you can train yourself to see their weaknesses. 

• If I can't "fix" her, then how am I to fulfill what God's called me to do. Hey here's a thought: God didn't call me to "fix" people, but to show people that God cares about them, and wants to help them heal. 

1. Pg. 183 -Our job is to pour the healing oil on the wounds. Our job is to lift the fallen, to be a friend to the lonely, to encourage the discouraged. When you take this merciful approach, instead of giving them what they deserve, you start the healing process. You say, "I understand. They're not having a good day. I understand they're under a lot of stress. I understand life is not treating them fairly."
   
2. Pg. 186 –If you will just see them through eyes of love, you could be one of those to help them come up higher and still fulfill their God-given destinies. 

• I've become critical and bitter because I hold resentment over her being able to seem "normal" with other people but not with me. I've allowed myself to develop a tainted view of her. When it comes to dealing with her I am becoming all the things that I so strongly dislike about her…what you say about others can come back at you & you become what you dislike. 

1. Pg. 172 -Here's what I've learned: A critical spirit follows you everywhere you go. You can't get away from it.
   
2. Pg. 173 –A critical spirit taints everything. What's the solution? Number one, recognize when your window is dirty. Number two, just as you've developed a habit of seeing the worst, retrain yourself to see the good.
    
3. Pg. 172 – Everyone has faults and habits that can get on your nerves. The key is to recognize what you are magnifying. You are magnifying the wrong thing when you let the critical spirit take over.
    
4. Pg. 177 –Matthew 7:1 tells us to not pick on people, jump on their failures, and criticize their faults, unless of course, we want the same treatment. A critical spirit has a way of boomeranging back to us.
    
5. Pg. 185 –Most of the time we don't know all the facts about the people we judge and criticize. Even if they are in the wrong, God did not put us here to condemn them. They need our mercy, our forgiveness, and our understanding to get back on the right track. Being hard and critical doesn't bring healing. We aren't lifting people up. We just push them further down. 

• She is selfish and toxic from her unhealed hurts from her life, but it doesn't give me the right to judge her and to try to control her life. I am not responsible for her!!! (I need to say that again!) I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER!! She is a hurt person who doesn't know how to NOT hurt ME!! 

1. Pg. 146 –When you hold on to a hurt, you never let it heal. It's like a bruise that won't go away…If your hurt isn't allowed to heal, the smallest bump will cause you to be defensive. You can't develop healthy relationships while your emotional bruises remain unhealed.
   
2. Pg. 147 –Unfair things happen to all of us. If you want to see that bruise go away and walk into the freedom God has in store for you, you have to forgive the wrongs. You have to let go of what somebody did and move forward with your life. 

• If I let go of control she will only hurt me more. She is a hurt person who does not know how to NOT hurt me. Trying to control her won't change that. 

1. Pg. 150 –Take a merciful approach and say, "God, I know what they did was wrong. They hurt me and it was not fair, but God, I'm not looking for revenge. I ask you, God, to heal them and give them what they need."
   
2. Pg. 150 -When you can pray for your enemies and even bless those who do you wrong, as the Scripture says, God will settle your accounts (Matthew 5:44; 18:21-35). 

• I'm afraid to have feelings towards her because I'm afraid of the hurt she causes me. News, flash…I still feel the hurt; so that's not working. Controlling her won't make it stop!! Building up walls won't make it stop either.  

1. Pg. 154 –You have to forgive so that you can be free to live each day with happiness in your heart. If you will let go of the hurts and pains and get on God's payroll, God will settle your case. He will make your wrongs right. He will bring justice into your life. You will get what you deserve, God will pay you back double the joy, double the peace, double the favor and double the victory.
   
2. Pg. 147 -Put your foot down and say, "My destiny is too great, my future is too bright, and my God is too big to let an old hurt cause me to be sour and bitter and stuck where I am. No, I'll shake it off and press forward into the bright future God has in store for me."