I think...No, I'm positive that I've had a break through thought which will dramatically change the way in which I am able to handle dealing with my mom. Now, all I've got to do is get that information from my head down to and into my heart. Before I get into that I want to hold myself accountable by admitting that I am still struggling with dealing with her.
Ok, now onto our topic.
As I have stated many times in my posts that anger, hatred, rage, unforgiveness, bitterness...etc. are all poisons in our lives. As they poison our lives they affect the way we relate to and deal with people. They affect our relationships with others. I would even go so far as to say the poison of all those things for which my mom is holding onto is poisoning our relationship, and making it increasingly more difficult for me to deal with her as I see it poisoning her life more and more. It's like a cancer that has gone untreated. Just as cancer in the natural realm can bring forth death, cancer in the spiritual realm brings forth the death of joy, happiness, peace, mercy, forgiveness, self-esteem, the ability to love others properly, and more in your life. I see these things not only dying but dead in her life. I see her trying to mask it over, but it doesn't work with me...I see past it. I'm torn up on the inside knowing that she is going through this. I'm angry over the fact that I've told her time and time again how to purge this from her life, but she refuses to take the steps required. She refuses to take up forgiveness; the only cure. She knows she is rotting in her own unforgiveness, and doesn't care. She thinks she deserves it; which pains me deeply.
I can see now, that I have let my anger towards her develop into this type of spiritual cancer which is affecting our relationship from both ends. I get so angry at her because I feel like she should know better than to be the way she is. I get frustrated because I try so hard to change that in her, and can't. I get impatient waiting for her to change. I struggle with accepting her for who she is, and the way in which she deals with things. At the core of it all, this boils down to not trusting God to deal with her. I guess I think I can do it better and faster than an all mighty, all powerful, all knowing, God of all wisdom God. That's pretty foolish!! I have to learn to let go, and let God deal with her in his own way and on his own terms. This is where that life changing, life altering (for me in my life) revelation comes into play. Here it is...she has a spiritual cancer and is CHOOSING not to treat it. Now if I can come to terms with that and be at peace with it; her actions and behaviors won't affect me in the way that they do. She won't be able to push my buttons, and trigger me into anger towards her. This is my cure...to let go...to let go of the desire to control her and how she copes with her life. I have already forgiven her for those things which are in the past, but it's the day to day type of things that come up where I struggle with my anger towards her.
I do not wish for this post to be insensitive towards anyone who has or is facing cancer. My dad is a cancer survivor, and my mother-in-law is currently facing cancer. It is from seeing how my mother-in-law is choosing to deal with her cancer that I have come to the realization about my mom. Before we found out that there is nothing the doctors can do for my mother-in-law, she was saying she did not want to do surgery or chemo. She has had many surgeries in her life. I believe she didn't want to do any more surgeries because she is tired of them, and because I think she was afraid of not making it out of surgery. When she finally decided to give chemo a try, we found out it was not an option that she could do. Her fear and hesitation with chemo was...she was afraid she didn't have the strength to make it through chemo. Keep in mind we only found out about her cancer about 3 months ago after she had surgery to have her gall bladder removed. Which at the time she also was sick with pneumonia. We have since found out that surgery will only give her a 23% chance of living an extra 2 months.
It has gotten to the point where I cannot talk to my mom about my mother-in-law's cancer without getting into an argument about it. These conversations I'm about to write about took place before we found out just how bad her cancer is. My mom believes that because she was unwilling to do surgery or chemo that my mother-in-law had a death wish that she just couldn't understand. Every time she would say that I would try to explain to her my mother-in-law does not have a death wish, but it would only end up in us arguing about it. All I could hear was anger and rage in her voice. I don't know what went on when my dad was facing cancer, but I think she is viewing my mother-in-law's cancer through her view of what went on during my dad's cancer. It was after one such argument, where my mom said something for which I consider to be extreamly insensitive and wrong for her to say, that I came to the realization that my mom's anger, unforgiveness, and other negative emotions that she keeps bottled up inside her were like a spiritual cancer in her, and she was choosing not to treat it. So, now we have come full circle on how this post came about. I know it may take time for this knowledge to travel from my head to my heart, but I truly believe this will help me to deal with my mom better.
I also, have to consider that just because she is choosing not to treat her spiritual cancer it does not mean that she wants to be the way that she is...wow!, that is hard for me to see and understand when it comes to my mom. She has been this way for so long that I feel if she wanted to change it she would have already. The way I see it, she is only willing to work on becoming healthy until it gets really uncomfortable and then she fakes like she's trying to face it all and get better; but doesn't truly face the hard things that she needs to face. Again, this is a big point of frustration for me, and why it's hard for me to see that she doesn't want to be this way. Another reason why it's hard for me to see this is because in my own healing journey I didn't care about how uncomfortable dealing with something was. I knew I had to face things to heal, and was willing to do that no matter how uncomfortable it was. If you're going to be serious about healing you have to be willing to truly face and deal with the uncomfortable and extremely uncomfortable. I just don't see her doing that.
However, if I'm going to be able to heal and move forward I have to push myself to accept my mom the way she is, and to not allow her to push my buttons. She is who she is, and I shouldn't allow her actions that upset me to suprise me, and upset me. It's not worth stressing over. Like I said earlier, I just have to get this knowledge from my head to my heart, and it will be life altering in the way I am able to interact with her.
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