I must say that I'm really loving this song right now. I can defiantly relate to that feeling of calling out to God in complete desperation. This song reminds me of all the times I cried out to God like this; how time and time again He showed Himself faithful in answering me. I'm truly grateful for all that God seen me through, and how He continues to see me through things.
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Need You Now by Plumb
I must say that I'm really loving this song right now. I can defiantly relate to that feeling of calling out to God in complete desperation. This song reminds me of all the times I cried out to God like this; how time and time again He showed Himself faithful in answering me. I'm truly grateful for all that God seen me through, and how He continues to see me through things.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Clarification On "Life And Death Are In Words" Post
I just want to let everyone know that I wanted to clarify something on the posting "Life And Death Are In Words". So, here is a copy of the change I made:
" I don't want to get graphic, so I'll just say that I know more about the circumstances surrounding my conception than anyone should ever know (Now, here's a note: what I'm considering graphic most of you probably wouldn't consider graphic or not that graphic, but it's enough to gross me out)".
" I don't want to get graphic, so I'll just say that I know more about the circumstances surrounding my conception than anyone should ever know (Now, here's a note: what I'm considering graphic most of you probably wouldn't consider graphic or not that graphic, but it's enough to gross me out)".
Friday, December 16, 2011
Life And Death Are In Words
Our Words are so important, and I don't think that we realize just how big of an impact they can have on people. The words that we say can have lasting effects on those who hear them. Like wise the words we hear can have lasting effects on us. Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof". We all produce fruit with our words, and we will reap either the benefits or consequences of our words.
It doesn't take much to leave a lasting impression. A few critical words can produce perfectionism in our lives that can drive us in a variety of unhealthy ways. For me, a memory that I remember very clearly is a time in which my step-dad, Jon, had asked me to do a chore...a few minutes later he came back to tell me to do a second chore. Then yet again a few more minutes went by and he came back to give me a third chore to do, and got mad and frustrated that I hadn't finished the first two chores. I was too slow, and should have been finished according to him. To be honest, I don't remember everything that he said to me over the years; I just remember how I felt. Not just his words, but his body language told me: I couldn't do things good enough; something would always be lacking. After all not everyone could be as brilliant as he was. You see, He sees himself as being far superior to those around him. I felt unwanted and alone. I wanted to feel like I was worthy of approval. This atmosphere fostered in me a sense of perfectionism. Which can work in one of two ways: (1) you work really hard to become an over achiever and (2) you become paralyzed and don't try. Starting in my pre-teen and teen years (probably even earlier) I worked so hard to be perfect...to fix everything. It took a huge toll on my health, and I ended up in my late teens through my early 20's having a lot of stomach issues. My body could no longer handle the stress and pressure of what was going on in my life. The older I've gotten the more my perfectionism paralyzes me. A chore or task will get so worked up in my mind to impossible standards that there is no way that I or anyone else would be able to preform at the level at which I hold myself accountable to. My own standards upon myself shuts me down, and I seek to be distracted from it. So, in times past, I have developed addiction cycles with watching t.v and with being on the Internet (mainly playing farmvile on facebook). The more overwhelmed I felt the more I sought to hide from it, and the more I hid from it the more over whelmed I felt. It's a vicious cycle that is hard to break. Over the years I have learned to tell when I start to feel like I'm going to shut down, and have learned how to take it one step at a time to keep from shutting down. I'm not perfect at it, but at least I'm working on it and making improvements.
Another instance of the impact of words in my life would be yet another example of something my step-dad, Jon, said to me only a few times. He told me that he likes the out side lane on the highway because if someone tries to side swipe him/come into his lane he has an out/room to move to avoid being hit. Where as in the other lanes you can get boxed in with no where to go. I don't care much for driving on the highway or in traffic for that matter. When I'm surrounded by cars I start to feel a bit claustrophobic. I feel invisible and fear tries to work it's way in...that no one will see that I'm there and come into my lane and hit me. Granted some of these feelings probably come from feeling invisible most of my life, but his words triggered this particular fear of being surrounded by vehicles. When I get nervous my hands sweat which only makes me more nervous if I'm the one driving. If I'm not the one driving I'll hold onto my seat belt for dear life, or put my foot down like I'm stepping on the breaks, or how about this one...holding onto the door. My hands begin to sweat and my heart rate goes up. I feel a loss of control when I'm not the one driving and it scares me. As a teenager when ever I got out of the car, when my step-dad had been driving, I would swear to myself that I would never get back into a car with him again. His "aggressive" driving scared me, and I constantly thought that we were going to get into accidents. I have realized lately just how out of balance this "fear" has gotten, and it's something that I'm going to have to remedy.
I want to give just one more example. I could give lots of examples...I've heard things that have affected the way I view eating, things about myself, and my life. This example comes from something my mom has told me. I don't want to get graphic, so I'll just say that I know more about the circumstances surrounding my conception than anyone should ever know (Now, here's a note: what I'm considering graphic most of you probably wouldn't consider graphic or not that graphic, but it's enough to gross me out). I know my dad had a five year waiting plan for kids, and that I was born before this five year plan was complete. I know that my mom wanted to have kids so bad that she was probably suffering from depression from not getting pregnant as fast as she had wanted. I know my mom meant no harm, but the things that she has told me left me feeling like I was unplanned and unwanted by my dad. I feared upsetting my dad, and that doing so would cause him to take his love and approval away from me forever. My parents divorced when I was two, and as far back as I can remember I have always been afraid of hurting my dad's feelings and of him taking his love away from me. I don't know at what age my mom started telling me about his five year plan and my conception, but I know that I was probably pre-teen or a teenager. I believe that somewhere I heard or was given the impression that I could lose my dad's love and approval forever at the youngest of ages. I may not have the memories to prove it, but I have a life time of fear that had to have been placed there somehow. It affected my relationship with my dad in that I didn't feel like I could be open and honest with him. I didn't feel like I could go to him in times of trouble and difficulties...let alone for help when life was a living hell.
Words speak life and death into lives. We have to learn to accept words that are spoken to us that speak life into our lives, and how to cancel out the words that speak death and destruction into our lives. I believe that everyone knows the pain of having hurtful and destructive things spoken to them. If we all take a good look at our lives we can see not only how words have shaped our lives, but how they have shaped us...our personality, and how we deal with things. So, please remember the pain hurtful words have caused you, and choose to speak life into the lives of others and into your own life as well. We can choose to accept or to cancel out what has been spoken to us and over us. Pain doesn't go away over night, but with persistence and a healing hand from the Lord we can be made whole again.
It doesn't take much to leave a lasting impression. A few critical words can produce perfectionism in our lives that can drive us in a variety of unhealthy ways. For me, a memory that I remember very clearly is a time in which my step-dad, Jon, had asked me to do a chore...a few minutes later he came back to tell me to do a second chore. Then yet again a few more minutes went by and he came back to give me a third chore to do, and got mad and frustrated that I hadn't finished the first two chores. I was too slow, and should have been finished according to him. To be honest, I don't remember everything that he said to me over the years; I just remember how I felt. Not just his words, but his body language told me: I couldn't do things good enough; something would always be lacking. After all not everyone could be as brilliant as he was. You see, He sees himself as being far superior to those around him. I felt unwanted and alone. I wanted to feel like I was worthy of approval. This atmosphere fostered in me a sense of perfectionism. Which can work in one of two ways: (1) you work really hard to become an over achiever and (2) you become paralyzed and don't try. Starting in my pre-teen and teen years (probably even earlier) I worked so hard to be perfect...to fix everything. It took a huge toll on my health, and I ended up in my late teens through my early 20's having a lot of stomach issues. My body could no longer handle the stress and pressure of what was going on in my life. The older I've gotten the more my perfectionism paralyzes me. A chore or task will get so worked up in my mind to impossible standards that there is no way that I or anyone else would be able to preform at the level at which I hold myself accountable to. My own standards upon myself shuts me down, and I seek to be distracted from it. So, in times past, I have developed addiction cycles with watching t.v and with being on the Internet (mainly playing farmvile on facebook). The more overwhelmed I felt the more I sought to hide from it, and the more I hid from it the more over whelmed I felt. It's a vicious cycle that is hard to break. Over the years I have learned to tell when I start to feel like I'm going to shut down, and have learned how to take it one step at a time to keep from shutting down. I'm not perfect at it, but at least I'm working on it and making improvements.
Another instance of the impact of words in my life would be yet another example of something my step-dad, Jon, said to me only a few times. He told me that he likes the out side lane on the highway because if someone tries to side swipe him/come into his lane he has an out/room to move to avoid being hit. Where as in the other lanes you can get boxed in with no where to go. I don't care much for driving on the highway or in traffic for that matter. When I'm surrounded by cars I start to feel a bit claustrophobic. I feel invisible and fear tries to work it's way in...that no one will see that I'm there and come into my lane and hit me. Granted some of these feelings probably come from feeling invisible most of my life, but his words triggered this particular fear of being surrounded by vehicles. When I get nervous my hands sweat which only makes me more nervous if I'm the one driving. If I'm not the one driving I'll hold onto my seat belt for dear life, or put my foot down like I'm stepping on the breaks, or how about this one...holding onto the door. My hands begin to sweat and my heart rate goes up. I feel a loss of control when I'm not the one driving and it scares me. As a teenager when ever I got out of the car, when my step-dad had been driving, I would swear to myself that I would never get back into a car with him again. His "aggressive" driving scared me, and I constantly thought that we were going to get into accidents. I have realized lately just how out of balance this "fear" has gotten, and it's something that I'm going to have to remedy.
I want to give just one more example. I could give lots of examples...I've heard things that have affected the way I view eating, things about myself, and my life. This example comes from something my mom has told me. I don't want to get graphic, so I'll just say that I know more about the circumstances surrounding my conception than anyone should ever know (Now, here's a note: what I'm considering graphic most of you probably wouldn't consider graphic or not that graphic, but it's enough to gross me out). I know my dad had a five year waiting plan for kids, and that I was born before this five year plan was complete. I know that my mom wanted to have kids so bad that she was probably suffering from depression from not getting pregnant as fast as she had wanted. I know my mom meant no harm, but the things that she has told me left me feeling like I was unplanned and unwanted by my dad. I feared upsetting my dad, and that doing so would cause him to take his love and approval away from me forever. My parents divorced when I was two, and as far back as I can remember I have always been afraid of hurting my dad's feelings and of him taking his love away from me. I don't know at what age my mom started telling me about his five year plan and my conception, but I know that I was probably pre-teen or a teenager. I believe that somewhere I heard or was given the impression that I could lose my dad's love and approval forever at the youngest of ages. I may not have the memories to prove it, but I have a life time of fear that had to have been placed there somehow. It affected my relationship with my dad in that I didn't feel like I could be open and honest with him. I didn't feel like I could go to him in times of trouble and difficulties...let alone for help when life was a living hell.
Words speak life and death into lives. We have to learn to accept words that are spoken to us that speak life into our lives, and how to cancel out the words that speak death and destruction into our lives. I believe that everyone knows the pain of having hurtful and destructive things spoken to them. If we all take a good look at our lives we can see not only how words have shaped our lives, but how they have shaped us...our personality, and how we deal with things. So, please remember the pain hurtful words have caused you, and choose to speak life into the lives of others and into your own life as well. We can choose to accept or to cancel out what has been spoken to us and over us. Pain doesn't go away over night, but with persistence and a healing hand from the Lord we can be made whole again.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Feeling Out Of Place
Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to socialize with people. I had a great time with my family on Thanksgiving, but I felt out of place and didn't know what to talk to people about. Telling potty training stories before sitting down to eat really isn't something that people are going to want to hear about before they eat. There is only so much to share when it comes to talking about the house that my husband and I just bought...which is such a blessing! While everyone was talking about how their year has been and all that is going on in their lives I was at a loss as to what to share. I love my life, but there isn't a lot to share. I could talk about all the great progress that I've made this year in my healing journey, but I can feel people getting physically uncomfortable as soon as I mention it. It's like the whole atmosphere changes. I know my family feels bad about what happened to me, and they probably just don't know what to say...which is what probably leads to that all around uncomfortable feeling in the atmosphere. Sometimes I wish that I could be more open with them and share with them what I've been through and the many ways in which I have healed. At the same time I tend to try to protect them from it. Healing isn't always pretty, and I don't want my family to hurt. It's something I try to carry on my own, and I don't want them to have to carry any of it. I guess I wish that I felt more comfortable talking to them about it, and that they felt more comfortable hearing about the healing journey.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Moving Back To My Home State Is Harder Than I Thought It Would Be
I'm a military wife (and proud of it!!). We are currently in the process of doing a military move to our home state of Texas. While we have been home to visit several times, this time it's different for me. I knew that moving back to Texas would bring back some unpleasant memories and feelings, but I didn't think that it would hit me as hard as it has. It's amazing how fast old feelings can come back...feelings that I've gotten past and haven't had to deal with in a while. Feelings of not belonging, of being different, not fitting in...of being a leper. Feeling like I've been betrayed by my mom. While she didn't actually know the abuse was going on, I think that she knew something wasn't right, and ignored her gut instinct that said something was wrong.
It feels like I'm returning to the scene of the crime, and that is an unpleasant feeling indeed. While I was thinking about this yesterday I had a thought that I think only God would have put there. The thought was this...go to the house pray for it and bless it. Only God would say something like that. As I thought about it I could picture the layout of the house and the rooms in it. I tried to picture myself along with others praying in each room of the house, and I couldn't handle it. I broke down and started to cry. I tryed to cry quitely as to not bring attention to myself. I didn't want my husband to see that I was crying, and I didn't want to tell him what was going on with me. Moving back to Texas is something that we have taked about and have both agreed to, and wanted to do. I don't want him to feel bad that being home this time is harder for me than it has been in the past. I keep telling God that I don't want to go back into bondage. Reminding God (and myself) that I have been delivered from my past, and there is no reason to allow those old feelings to riegn over me again. I've been asking God for strength to help me not to back slide into allowing my past to rule once again. I know God has set me free from it and I refuse to allow my past to try to rule over me again. I thank God for a very good friend of mine who called me yesterday, and talked to me. I felt so much better afterwards. I know that I can't go to my childhood home alone and ask them if I can pray for their house, and I won't even try to do that. The people living there don't even know who I am, and would probably think I'm crazy. I would consider going with others for support. I don't even know if I would be able to speak standing there in that house. I would probably need to have someone do the praying for me. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it, but I also know that God wouldn't ask me to do something that I couldn't handel.
As I lay in bed lastnight, I did pray for that house and asked God to bless the house and the rooms in it. I asked God to bind the pincipalites and powers, and evil spirits that were at work in the home, while I was growing up, to be bound in the name of Jesus, and to be sent to Jesus to be delt with according to God's will. That the gound that was once cursed (because to me it feels like cursed ground) to now be blessed in the name of Jesus. I can honestly say that I feel much better today. Not all the feelings that I've been struggling with have gone away completly, but I'm confidante that they will. I will set my mind on things to come and not on my past. I know my God will help me through this!!
It feels like I'm returning to the scene of the crime, and that is an unpleasant feeling indeed. While I was thinking about this yesterday I had a thought that I think only God would have put there. The thought was this...go to the house pray for it and bless it. Only God would say something like that. As I thought about it I could picture the layout of the house and the rooms in it. I tried to picture myself along with others praying in each room of the house, and I couldn't handle it. I broke down and started to cry. I tryed to cry quitely as to not bring attention to myself. I didn't want my husband to see that I was crying, and I didn't want to tell him what was going on with me. Moving back to Texas is something that we have taked about and have both agreed to, and wanted to do. I don't want him to feel bad that being home this time is harder for me than it has been in the past. I keep telling God that I don't want to go back into bondage. Reminding God (and myself) that I have been delivered from my past, and there is no reason to allow those old feelings to riegn over me again. I've been asking God for strength to help me not to back slide into allowing my past to rule once again. I know God has set me free from it and I refuse to allow my past to try to rule over me again. I thank God for a very good friend of mine who called me yesterday, and talked to me. I felt so much better afterwards. I know that I can't go to my childhood home alone and ask them if I can pray for their house, and I won't even try to do that. The people living there don't even know who I am, and would probably think I'm crazy. I would consider going with others for support. I don't even know if I would be able to speak standing there in that house. I would probably need to have someone do the praying for me. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it, but I also know that God wouldn't ask me to do something that I couldn't handel.
As I lay in bed lastnight, I did pray for that house and asked God to bless the house and the rooms in it. I asked God to bind the pincipalites and powers, and evil spirits that were at work in the home, while I was growing up, to be bound in the name of Jesus, and to be sent to Jesus to be delt with according to God's will. That the gound that was once cursed (because to me it feels like cursed ground) to now be blessed in the name of Jesus. I can honestly say that I feel much better today. Not all the feelings that I've been struggling with have gone away completly, but I'm confidante that they will. I will set my mind on things to come and not on my past. I know my God will help me through this!!
Monday, January 3, 2011
So, I Thought I Was Ready To Come Home
Oh, how I was ready to come home after our trip to see family. I was excited to get home and to go into supermom mode...cleaning house faster than a speeding bullet. I figured that THIS TIME I would be able to kick it into gear, and to be able to do all the things that I wanted to do without getting too overwhelmed. But it was not to be I guess. After everything...all the toys, suitcases, and anything else that was brought home made it into the house...the overwhelming / paralyzing feeling just took over. We are blessed with a family that loves to give gifts to the kids, but then where to put it all...and what about laundry...and dishes....oh, and don't forget the house needs food in it. I guess that I just allowed myself to get bogged down with it all.
A tornado hit the military post where my husband works; so, he's been called back to work a few days early for the clean up. So, when the girls got into everything and our living room started to look like a tornado zone I knew that my husband wouldn't want to come home to that. You would think that knowing that would help me get my butt into gear and get to cleaning, but no it didn't. I was feeling to overwhelmed / paralyzed by that time to be able to do anything. So, he came home, and got to cleaning. The hardest part is seeing the disappointment on his face and body. Once he got it all picked up I was able to pitch in and help some.
Sometimes I sit and wonder how it is that I became this way. I wasn't like this in high school. I know that I've never been that great at keeping up with house work, but I don't ever remember feeling so overwhelmed that I felt paralyzed. As far as I can tell this problem started when I started dealing with the sexual abuse that I went through, and I long for the days when I didn't have this problem. But then I have to remind myself that back in the days when I didn't have this problem I had other problems that were much worse (like sexual abuse and a suicidal mother). I know that I'm gaining some victories over this "feeling so overwhelmed that I'm paralyzed " feeling, but I can't help but wish that the fight was over and that I've won. I don't like this fight, and the disappointment that it causes not only with-in myself, but with my husband as well. I don't know if he realizes just what he did for me the other night when he cleaned up all the toys, and clothes off the floor from our trip. Once I could see the floor again I could feel that paralyzing feeling lifting off of me. He put me in a much better position for being able to tackle the rest of the house. If he had not helped me like that, I don't know how long it would have taken me to snap out of it...several days too many, would be my guess.
I thank the Lord for giving me the strength to continue with this fight. It's all too easy for me to just give in to being paralyzed by my feelings of being overwhelmed, and to sit and do nothing all day. I know that's not God's will for my life, and it's not the life that I want to live. God willing, and I think that He is, I will one day win this war.
A tornado hit the military post where my husband works; so, he's been called back to work a few days early for the clean up. So, when the girls got into everything and our living room started to look like a tornado zone I knew that my husband wouldn't want to come home to that. You would think that knowing that would help me get my butt into gear and get to cleaning, but no it didn't. I was feeling to overwhelmed / paralyzed by that time to be able to do anything. So, he came home, and got to cleaning. The hardest part is seeing the disappointment on his face and body. Once he got it all picked up I was able to pitch in and help some.
Sometimes I sit and wonder how it is that I became this way. I wasn't like this in high school. I know that I've never been that great at keeping up with house work, but I don't ever remember feeling so overwhelmed that I felt paralyzed. As far as I can tell this problem started when I started dealing with the sexual abuse that I went through, and I long for the days when I didn't have this problem. But then I have to remind myself that back in the days when I didn't have this problem I had other problems that were much worse (like sexual abuse and a suicidal mother). I know that I'm gaining some victories over this "feeling so overwhelmed that I'm paralyzed " feeling, but I can't help but wish that the fight was over and that I've won. I don't like this fight, and the disappointment that it causes not only with-in myself, but with my husband as well. I don't know if he realizes just what he did for me the other night when he cleaned up all the toys, and clothes off the floor from our trip. Once I could see the floor again I could feel that paralyzing feeling lifting off of me. He put me in a much better position for being able to tackle the rest of the house. If he had not helped me like that, I don't know how long it would have taken me to snap out of it...several days too many, would be my guess.
I thank the Lord for giving me the strength to continue with this fight. It's all too easy for me to just give in to being paralyzed by my feelings of being overwhelmed, and to sit and do nothing all day. I know that's not God's will for my life, and it's not the life that I want to live. God willing, and I think that He is, I will one day win this war.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I Didn't Handel A Trigger Well
Last night was kinda rough for me. While I was getting my girls ready for bed...I had one not wanting to lay still so that I could change her diaper & then my oldest bent over to whisper in my ear to tell me what the baby had just done while I was trying to change the diaper. This set off a big trigger for me, and I don't even know why it is a trigger for me...I don't understand it. When our oldest whispers in my ear I INSTANTLY want to be in a space bubble with no one around me, no one touching me, and my irritation level goes through the roof. I started getting very short with her, and I could see in her face that she was getting upset with me as well.
When I got to bed and lay down I started crying. What had she done to warrant me being so short with her? The answer...NOTHING!!!! She didn't deserve for me to be like that with her. Her actions were completely innocent, and she had no knowledge nor intention of setting off a trigger. I felt horrible, and was very upset with myself for not being able to control my reaction to that trigger. I'm going to try to do better the next time.
When I got to bed and lay down I started crying. What had she done to warrant me being so short with her? The answer...NOTHING!!!! She didn't deserve for me to be like that with her. Her actions were completely innocent, and she had no knowledge nor intention of setting off a trigger. I felt horrible, and was very upset with myself for not being able to control my reaction to that trigger. I'm going to try to do better the next time.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Healing Is Scary?!
OK, it's time for some total honesty here...more than anything I want to be healed from my past, but there is a part of me that is afraid of the healing. I'm determined for good to be produced out of this horrible time of my life. To use my experiences to help others. I guess that I'm afraid that if I were to just drop it and forget about it, then who will validate what happened to me? I've had a hard time finding the support that I crave, and I'm learning to try to heal with giving myself that support that I crave. So, if I no longer hold onto it, then who will care about what happened to me? Will I have suffered a horrible childhood for nothing? How then can good come of it if it was all in vain? I guess that I'm afraid that it will mean that what Jon did was OK, and I know that it WAS NOT OK. I know that to truly be able to help others that I need to heal, but at the same time it feels like I can't help if I fully let go of it. It's a fear that is keeping me locked up, and unable to fully heal. I have to find a way to over come this fear if I am to heal from my past, and be able to live the life that I want to live!!!
I like to write, and this blog is helping me to think out loud. When I write these posts it helps me to put my feelings down in writing, and makes them clearer for me to see just what it is that I'm feeling. It's a real roller coaster at times full of conflicting and confusing thoughts that are not always easy to work through. With today's post I was able to figure out more clearly why in the back of my mind I find healing scary, and I was able to realize that I have to let go of that fear. I'm not going to pretend that it will be easy. In fact, I think that it's going to be really hard for me to do because I am afraid that no one will care about what happened to me; and I want to know that people care, and that what happened does matter. But I am committed to my healing, and to doing what it takes to heal; even if that means overcoming my fears.
I like to write, and this blog is helping me to think out loud. When I write these posts it helps me to put my feelings down in writing, and makes them clearer for me to see just what it is that I'm feeling. It's a real roller coaster at times full of conflicting and confusing thoughts that are not always easy to work through. With today's post I was able to figure out more clearly why in the back of my mind I find healing scary, and I was able to realize that I have to let go of that fear. I'm not going to pretend that it will be easy. In fact, I think that it's going to be really hard for me to do because I am afraid that no one will care about what happened to me; and I want to know that people care, and that what happened does matter. But I am committed to my healing, and to doing what it takes to heal; even if that means overcoming my fears.
Friday, August 6, 2010
My Distraction Cycle Is Damaging
Things haven't been going very well for me lately. The last depression medicine that I was on really set me back. I felt too overwhelmed to do anything during the day. When I feel overwhelmed I tend to bury myself on the computer. I spend a lot of time on the Internet on Facebook. When I look at the house chores that I have to do I become very overwhelmed because I work up these tasks in my mind into these chores that I can't possibly do well enough for my perfectionist mind; so, I distract myself from it. The more I distract myself the more the house work piles up, and the more it piles up the more overwhelmed I feel, and the more I distract myself from it. It's a vicious cycle that is hard to break, and one that I desperately need to break because it is causing damage to my family. Don't get me wrong; my house isn't filthy, but it's not necessarily in a state where I would want people over to the house to see it.
Growing up Jon was very critical of everything, and I always felt like I couldn't do things well enough. When ever I think about how critical Jon is I always remember this incident...Jon gave me a chore to do then a few minutes later came back to give me another chore to do, and when he came back a few minutes later to give me a third chore to do he got mad at me for not having the other two chores done. Now, I'm not the world's fastest worker; I'm actually a pretty slow worker. But even then anyone would have needed more time to complete the chores that Jon had given me. Jon is ADD which makes him pretty hyper, but just because I can't work at his pace doesn't mean that he has the right to get mad at anyone who can't keep up with him.
I haven't been the same ever since I started dealing with the sexual abuse that Jon put me through. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to being that person who I was when I was living in denial. But then I think about all that was going on in my life while I was in denial of the abuse, and I was living in a very dysfunctional home...hence the denial; it was a way of protecting myself from a reality that was too hard for me to handle at the time. So, I guess that I should give myself credit for coming to a place where I can come out of the denial, and to be on my healing journey.
This journey hasn't been easy, and has taken a real toll on my marriage. It's very hard for my husband to see me struggling to get better, and to see how the abuse has devastated my sense of self worth. He too struggles with watching me trying to cope with it all, and it has nearly destroyed our marriage. He simply can't deal with it any more. This DOES NOT mean that his love for me is any less, and that he doesn't desire to support me in my healing journey. My husband more than anyone wants to see me healed from my past. It has just become too hard for him to deal with something so horrible that has happened to someone whom he loves so much...it's too overwhelming for him; as it is for most people. This is hard on me too; to not be able to share with him some of the things that are going on with me. But the Lord is my strength, and He will get me through this. I have also learned that when I need to talk that I can turn to the friends that I have made in the support groups that I have been in. These are ladies that have been through similar things as me, and can truly understand what I'm going through. I don't feel so alone on my journey when I talk with them.
Here is a real way in which the abuse is not only affecting me, but my family. My husband recently told me that he feels like we are growing apart due to the amount of time that I spend on the computer. I tried to explain to him the vicious cycle that I'm in, and I asked him for more understanding while I try to get better. My husband has every right to feel the way that he feels, and I'm so grateful that he continues to support my healing journey and stands by as I try to heal. I did admit that the amount of time that I spend on the computer is a problem that I recognize, and that I am taking steps to fix it. The main reason why I am taking antidepressants is so that I can stop feeling so overwhelmed all the time, and get off the computer, and get things done around the house. That in the back of my mind I'm screaming at myself, "what are you doing!", "why are you on this thing!", "you should be in the other room with your family!", "GET OFF!". But I feel glued to my chair. It's not a nice or pleasant feeling...that I am missing out with time that should be spent with playing with my girls, and spending quality family time together. If anything, I will use it to drive me all the more to heal; so that I can give my family the time that they deserve.
Growing up Jon was very critical of everything, and I always felt like I couldn't do things well enough. When ever I think about how critical Jon is I always remember this incident...Jon gave me a chore to do then a few minutes later came back to give me another chore to do, and when he came back a few minutes later to give me a third chore to do he got mad at me for not having the other two chores done. Now, I'm not the world's fastest worker; I'm actually a pretty slow worker. But even then anyone would have needed more time to complete the chores that Jon had given me. Jon is ADD which makes him pretty hyper, but just because I can't work at his pace doesn't mean that he has the right to get mad at anyone who can't keep up with him.
I haven't been the same ever since I started dealing with the sexual abuse that Jon put me through. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to being that person who I was when I was living in denial. But then I think about all that was going on in my life while I was in denial of the abuse, and I was living in a very dysfunctional home...hence the denial; it was a way of protecting myself from a reality that was too hard for me to handle at the time. So, I guess that I should give myself credit for coming to a place where I can come out of the denial, and to be on my healing journey.
This journey hasn't been easy, and has taken a real toll on my marriage. It's very hard for my husband to see me struggling to get better, and to see how the abuse has devastated my sense of self worth. He too struggles with watching me trying to cope with it all, and it has nearly destroyed our marriage. He simply can't deal with it any more. This DOES NOT mean that his love for me is any less, and that he doesn't desire to support me in my healing journey. My husband more than anyone wants to see me healed from my past. It has just become too hard for him to deal with something so horrible that has happened to someone whom he loves so much...it's too overwhelming for him; as it is for most people. This is hard on me too; to not be able to share with him some of the things that are going on with me. But the Lord is my strength, and He will get me through this. I have also learned that when I need to talk that I can turn to the friends that I have made in the support groups that I have been in. These are ladies that have been through similar things as me, and can truly understand what I'm going through. I don't feel so alone on my journey when I talk with them.
Here is a real way in which the abuse is not only affecting me, but my family. My husband recently told me that he feels like we are growing apart due to the amount of time that I spend on the computer. I tried to explain to him the vicious cycle that I'm in, and I asked him for more understanding while I try to get better. My husband has every right to feel the way that he feels, and I'm so grateful that he continues to support my healing journey and stands by as I try to heal. I did admit that the amount of time that I spend on the computer is a problem that I recognize, and that I am taking steps to fix it. The main reason why I am taking antidepressants is so that I can stop feeling so overwhelmed all the time, and get off the computer, and get things done around the house. That in the back of my mind I'm screaming at myself, "what are you doing!", "why are you on this thing!", "you should be in the other room with your family!", "GET OFF!". But I feel glued to my chair. It's not a nice or pleasant feeling...that I am missing out with time that should be spent with playing with my girls, and spending quality family time together. If anything, I will use it to drive me all the more to heal; so that I can give my family the time that they deserve.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Anxiety In August (8/8/2009)
The closer that I get to the end of this month (August) the more that I can feel my anxiety level going up. I feel as though evil is being let loose upon the streets to find its next target. For me it's not a question of if, but of when Jon will make his next move. And I feel as though I should be there to stop it. I don't really think that Jon will come after me and my family...although...that doesn't stop me from worrying about it. I also worry about the games that Jon will try to play with his Parole Officer. I hope that his Parole Officer is smarter than him to catch him in his games. I know how Jon works. I have lived through the nightmare of having to survive living with him, and with that comes an understanding of how his mind works. Jon will try to get away with things. It will be small things at first and over time it will turn into bigger things. I'm very worried about the mind games that he will play with people. Notice that I didn't say "try to play", but "to play". Jon always plays mind games with people. There are at least two things that are apart of Jon being able to breathe: 1. lying and 2. mind games.
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