April...Sexual Assault Awareness Month

     April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Here are some statistics from RAINN's website:

• 44% of victims are under the age of 18
• 80% of victims are under the age of 30
• Every 2 minutes some in the U.S. is sexually assaulted
• There are approximately 207,754 victims of sexual assault each year
• 54% of sexual assaults are not reported and 97% of rapist never spend a day in jail
• About 2/3 of assaults are committed by someone known to the victim
• 38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance of the victim
• For more statistics, information and to find resources for help go to RAINN's website at rainn.org

     I would like to talk about those last two statistics for just a moment. These two statistics point out that a good portion of victims know their attacker or abuser. Yet, when talking to our children we tend to stress the importance of stranger danger. Don't get me wrong, it is vitally important to teach stranger danger to our children. So then, we are taught from a young age that harm at the hands of a stranger is to almost be expected somehow. However, harm at the hands of someone we know tends to be either over looked or not stressed as much as stranger danger...and yet it is just as important as stranger danger.

     Our children need to know that they are safe, and can trust those around them. This too is vitally important to our children. They also need to know they do not have to comply with requests or even demands by people (and yes those who they know...even authority figures in their lives) who are asking them to do things they just aren't comfortable with or doesn't seem right to them (I'm not talking about requests like cleaning their rooms or picking up trash). They need to know it's ok to ask questions about why they are being asked to do something. They need to know that it's ok to go tell other adults, and to seek clarification on things before doing what is being asked of them. They need to know they have boundaries that others do not have permission to cross, and when not sure to ask...ask another adult about it. They need to know that just because someone they know, trust, love and is an authority figure in their life does not mean they do not have a right to ask questions and to not do things they are uncomfortable with.

     To be clear, I'm not talking about the right of a child to be rude or nasty when asked to do something. Being disrespectful is not alright. Even when a person's actions are such that respect is hard to show; we must learn to look past the person to the authority of the position the person holds, and to give respect to the position. There are many respectful responses we can teach our children. Such as: no Sir/Ma'am; no, I'm not comfortable with that; I would like to have someone else also explain that to me; and even just a simple use of tone when saying "No". However, if the child feels they are in immediate danger they need to know it's ok to scream for help or to scream NO. We need to teach our children how to excuse themselves from situations they are not comfortable with. Our children must know that they can not only respectfully decline to do something they are uncomfortable with, but that they should also immediately tell an adult who they trust, to receive clarity on the situation. Our children need to have the confidence and sense of security that will allow them to open up to an adult when someone tells them something that may sound right, in a funky kind of way, but doesn't seem quite right somehow, and they just aren't sure.

     So yes, by all means I beg you to teach stranger danger to your children, but I also beg you to teach your children it's ok to speak up when it's someone they know such as: (and it pains me to have to say this) a parent, step-parent, sibling, aunt, uncle, cousin, relative of any kind, family friend, friend of the child, a teacher, a daycare worker and anyone the child may feel close to...that it's ok to speak up no matter who the person is. Really that's the key isn't it...for a child to know that it's ok to speak up no matter who the person is...stranger or not. That even when they are gown and, God forbid, something horrible were to happen that they will have the strength to speak up.

New Link "MaleSurvivor"

     Today on Facebook Nicole Braddock Bromley, from OneVoice Enterprises, posted a link to an organization that seeks to help male survivors of sexual abuse of all ages. I took a quick look on their website, and would like to share it here on my blog. I have also placed a link to them on my Resource page. The organization is called MaleSurvivor. They have resources, links to help you find a therapist, and discussion boards to help survivors connect so they know they are not alone. They seek to help survivors to heal.

The Knowledge Of Good And Evil: Part 1

     Ok, so I know that I started this series once before, but here we go. Every time I think I'm done with this paper I see more that I want to work on in the paper. So, I'm going to just go ahead a post what I have on it...I'd say I'm done this time, but I know better than that...lol. I hope that you will enjoy reading this series.

I recently was reading over the fall of man, and how the devil deceived Eve into eating the forbidden fruit in the garden. Now, Adam and Eve were already experiencing good. They received of the goodness of God, but because they had no reference point, they did not know that they were experiencing the goodness of God. The way it has been explained to me, which I have found to be very helpful, is to compare it to a baby. When a parent feeds, clothes, and takes care of an infant, the baby is experiencing good, but does not understand that what he or she is experiencing is called good because he/she has never experienced good before. The same principal can be applied to evil. So, when Adam and Eve partook of the forbidden fruit from "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil" (Genesis 2:17) they had an awakening of the knowledge of good and evil. While reading about Adam and Eve I saw some similarities between the hardships that they went through and that of the hardships of a survivor of abuse. The things that I’m going to write about can be applied to many areas of our lives, and is not limited to people who have suffered through abuse. I’m relating this to the area of abuse due to the experiences that I’ve had in my own life, and the things that I have learned along the way. So, let’s dive right into it. 

 

Here's how the fall of mankind happened: 

 

First, God gave a commandment to Adam saying, "Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die" (Genesis 2:16, 17). Then in Genesis 2:18 Eve was created, “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet [aid] for him”.  Adam called her woman because she was taken out of man, and was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh (Genesis 2:23). So, Eve was created AFTER God gave the commandment to Adam about not eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. It is a widely held assumption that Adam had to have told Eve about God’s commandment, and we can only assume that there was some kind of miscommunication about what God had said due to what seems like a slight misunderstanding of God’s commandment that we will see here shortly. 

 

Now, enters Satan in the form of a serpent set out to deceive, and this is where it gets interesting. Genesis 3:1 says, “Now the serpent was more subtil [cunning/crafty] than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he [the devil] said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?” Here we see the devil misquoting God and saying the complete opposite of what God really said.  

 

This is where Eve gets into some trouble because this is where we see she has a misunderstanding of God's word. Eve also miss-quotes God by saying in Genesis 3:2-3, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die". The miss-quote here is where Eve says they are not even allowed to touch the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil without dying. This is where we see that there must have been some kind of miscommunication between Adam and Eve. Perhaps in his zeal to convey to Eve just how important it was to not eat the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil he told her to just leave it alone and to not even touch it. The Bible does not record how that conversation went, so that is just a huge guess on my part. 

 

Now, Satan sees that he can exploit and deceive Eve because of a weakness that he perceives in her understanding of God's word. Hosea 4:6 tells us that God’s people are destroyed because of their lack of knowledge. Satan comes back at Eve with this contradiction to God's word, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil" (Genesis 3:4-5). So, Satan tells Eve that not only will she not die if she eats this fruit, but that if she does eat it that she will become like God.

click here for Part 2
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click here for Part 4

The Knowledge Of Good And Evil: Part 2

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Click here to read Part 4

Genesis 3:6-11; 17-19 tells the rest of the story that I want to look at:

 

"(6) And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. (7) And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. (8) And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden. (9) And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? (10) And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. (11) And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? (17) And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; (18) Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shall eat the herb of the field; (19) In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return". 

 

There are several things that I want to take a look at here. The first thing is that Eve saw the fruit and saw that it looked good to eat. Eve probably took the fruit in her hands and gave it a good looking over. If you'll remember, Eve told the serpent that they couldn't eat or touch the fruit of that tree without dying. So, when she didn't die from touching the fruit, doubt of God's word probably set in. Eve also fell prey to these three things that can get anyone into trouble: (1) lust of the flesh, (2) the lust of the eyes, and (3) the pride of life. These three things the Bible says are not from God but is of this world (1John 2:16 “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world”). First Eve fell prey to the lust of the eyes. She looked at the fruit, and it became desirable to her. She then lusted after it which is the lust of the flesh. In other words…she wanted it; she wanted to be like God. She wanted to have the knowledge that God has, and I think there was probably some jealousy and pride involved here in wanting to be like God; this is the pride of life. So, not only did she eat the forbidden fruit, but she gave it to Adam to eat as well. Proverbs 1:7 tells us, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge”. While Psalm 111:10 puts it this way, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments…”.  So, this begs the question…where was their fear of the Lord at on that day, in that moment of time, when they ate of the forbidden fruit? I’m not sure I have the answer to that. My best guess would be in that moment of time the lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, and the pride of life was greater than their fear of the Lord in that brief moment of time (something that happens to us all when we are blinded by our desires). Which I then believe came crashing down when they realized what they had done. 

 

Here comes the wake-up call that I'm sure they instantly regretted. They suddenly knew what it meant to be naked, and had the full knowledge of what good and evil was. They were afraid because of their disobedience towards God. They tried to cover themselves up, and tried to hide from the presence of God. They didn't have to tell God what they had done because their actions spoke for themselves, and it was a sign to God of their disobedience. Adam and Eve’s actions spoke to the fact that they disobeyed God’s commandment, and likewise it would have been their actions afterwards that would have spoken of repentance.  

 

Now, after the fall of Adam and Eve the Bible no longer talks about God coming down and walking openly with Adam and Eve. It’s not that God didn’t want to come down and walk with them, but it is that he no longer could because of the sin nature that was now in them. Before their fall they were in a sinless state of being, and because there was no sin in them they could see the face of God and live. Exodus 33:20 says, “And he [God] said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live”. It’s the sin nature that is within us that makes it impossible for us to stand face to face before a Holy God and live. Yet, due to his love, mercy, and grace for them (and us) God withdrew his physical presence from Adam and Eve so that they could re-cultivate their relationship with him. I believe that God may have kept his spiritual presence (his Spirit) with them, but just withdrew his physical presence from them. Romans 5:20 states, “…where sin abounded, grace did much more abound:”, and Romans 6:23 states, “For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life though Jesus Christ our Lord”. This verse in 2 Peter 3:9 drives it home…and it says, “The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is long-suffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance”. God loves us all and desires to give us all a chance to come to repentance and into a right relationship with him. This is why I believe God withdrew his physical presence from Adam and Eve in the garden.

The Knoledge Of Good And Evil: Part 3

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While I was reading over all of this it occurred to me how naive and trusting they were. After all they had no knowledge or understanding of evil. All they had ever experienced was a loving and caring God who was taking care of them and looking out for their best interest. They had no concept of deceit and betrayal. I doubt that it ever occurred to Eve that the serpent was laying a trap for her. 

 

Adam and Eve paid a high price for the knowledge of good and evil. Through their disobedience, sin and death entered into the world when they ate of the fruit, and because they now had sin in their lives God could no longer walk with them face to face. They experienced a spiritual death/disconnect from God first, and then a physical death at the end of their lives. When they experienced that first spiritual disconnect from God they no longer had that intimate relationship with God that they once had. Atonement for their sins, and for all who would come after them, now had to be made. God had to make a way for us to gain back our spiritual lives in Him. We see signs of the first animal sacrifice in Genesis 3:21”Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them”. God had to first kill the animals in order to make the clothes. After this point in the Old Testament we see animal sacrifices as a way to seek redemption for our sins. However, it's not until the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ do we receive God's perfect plan for forgiveness of our sins, and to be fully reconciled with a Holy God. Ever since sin and death entered into the world mankind has been seeking a way to regain a personal/face to face relationship with God. In the Old Testament, and even today people can gain a personal relationship with God through faith. Genesis 15:6 talks about how Abram’s (Abraham’s) faith was counted as righteousness because he believed God, “And he [Abram] believed in the Lord: and he [the Lord] counted it to him [Abram] for righteousness”. Ephesians 2:8, 9, 13 says, “(8) For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: (9) Not of works, lest any man should boast. (13) But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh [near] by the blood of Christ”. I recently heard someone put it this way…when we go to God and repent of our sins; God looks at us as though we have never sinned. How amazing is that!!! When we repent of our sins and ask for forgiveness, for which God is faithful to forgive, we can then stand before him blameless and sinless. Do you fully realize what that means? It means that we can have a personal/face to face relationship with God; for which we can cry Abba Father (Romans 8:15) and know that he is near to us at all times.  

 

Now, along with this hindered relationship with God, Adam and Eve had to leave the Garden of Eden...the only home they had ever known. Genesis 3:22-23 says, “And the Lord God said, Behold the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever: Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken”. When they sinned, sin didn’t just enter into them and all who would come after them, but the whole world as well. To make this case I’d like us to take another look at Genesis 3:17-19 which says, “And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out if it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return”. In my opinion, it’s not that God is cursing the ground, but that he is stating the consequences of their disobedience, or another way to look at it is that God was prophesying over them. Since sin entered into the world, and not just Adam and Eve, the ground is now not going to be as easy to take care of and won’t provide in the ways that it otherwise would have. This is why Adam was going to have to work hard all the days of his life to survive, and why the ground was now going to bring forth thorns and thistles. Now, God is still God, and still providing for their needs. However, it is now more of a faith walk than it was before the fall of man (Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen”). Adam and Eve had to trust through faith that God would provide for their needs as they did what they were called to do in their lives. Just as Adam and Eve had a lifetime of hard work to survive so too does a survivor to heal. Healing is a difficult process, and for some will last a life time. Things that once were easy for a victim of abuse suddenly become much more difficult. For most healing doesn’t happen overnight, and any ground gained must be maintained if we wish to continue to move forward in our healing. It can seem like a never ending process…gaining new ground while maintaining that which we have already conquered.  

 

God really gave me new insight while read the book of Joshua in the Bible. To me the whole book is about going and possessing the land which God had promised, and about walking in the promises of God. Here is one of the lessons that I have learned…you cannot go and posses the land without there being a battle that has to be first fought and then won. If we as survivors wish to heal and to be able to move on with our lives we have to fight for it. You can’t put half an effort into healing; you have to put your whole heart and everything you have into it. With every battle that I’ve fought I’ve won new ground. With every new ground that has been won I have had to work (and work hard at times) to maintain the new ground won. If I don’t go and possess the land (the new ground won), then I’m in real danger of losing the victory that has just been won. I know at times it seems like one big battle after another with no rest in sight, but there are times of rest. Once the ground has been won and maintained, then there is rest. I love what Joshua 1:13 says, “Remember the word which Moses the servant of the Lord commanded you, saying, The Lord your God hath given you rest, and hath given you this land”. God has given me victories and with those victories comes rest. Hallelujah! Praise God! Some more great news is that I have not fought any of these battles on my own. God has always been by my side fighting these battles with me. I like what Joshua 23:3 says when talking about all the victories that God had given the children of Israel, “And ye have seen all that the Lord your God hath done unto all these nations because of you; for the Lord your God is he that hath fought for you”. I know that my God has fought for me, and will continue to fight for me! I also find comfort in Joshua 21:45, “There failed not ought [word] of any good thing which the Lord had spoken unto the house of Israel; all came to pass”. I know that as a child of God, he has spoken good things over my life. Every good thing that God has spoken over me will come to pass. I know it won’t all happen overnight, but it will happen…that’s a promise I can hold onto and count on.

The Knowledge Of Good And Evil: Part 4

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Evil is such a heavy burden to those who have experienced it. If you doubt this, just ask anyone who has survived abuse, war crimes, torture, rape, or any other evil act that is out there. To a victim and a survivor it's like suddenly becoming intimately aware about what evil truly is, and no matter how hard you try to erase this knowledge from your mind it will always be there.  

 

I'm going to use sexual abuse as my example here, since this is the experience that I have had. Once you've been violated like that, it's like a whole new world has been opened up to you…one that is harsh and unforgiving; a world where the innocent is suddenly the guilty. Those who prey on others are crafty and sly in all their ways; just as the serpent was with Eve in the garden (Genesis 3:1 “Now the serpent was more subtil [cunning/crafty] than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made”). Sexual abuse is not just a crime against the body, but against the soul as well. The survivor is left feeling like they have caused this evil to come upon themselves somehow. Always wondering what it was that they did to bring about and to deserve such evil; that they must be the guilty one somehow. After all we must have done something to deserve it, or it wouldn't have happened...that's what our mind tells us anyways. We feel dirty and unworthy of love. How can we expect a Holy God or anyone else to want to have anything to do with such trash and filth? Oh, the lies...the lies we tell ourselves...the lies the devil whispers into our spirit. We can end up with such a disconnect between our hurting soul and a Holy and Loving God who cares for us. We find ourselves both searching for God and hiding from him. We search him out because we long to feel whole again, but hide because of the shame that we feel. For far too long I walked around feeling like a leper in hiding…normal looking on the outside, but disease ridden on the inside. It’s so hard to feel normal. Well, maybe I’m not, and will never be totally normal; and that’s ok because I know that God has a plan for my life. In Jeremiah 29:11 God tells me, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you…thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end”. He has plans to bless me and the struggles that I’ve been through. For God uses our trials and hardships to develop our character and to strengthen our faith. It will be the path that takes us from who we are to who we will become. 

 

      There are far too many victims of abuse whose family members would rather deny the abuse than have to deal with it. The very ones who were supposed to rally around the victim to help them fight; instead turn a blind eye, let it continue, or just deny the fact it even happened. I am thankful that my family believed me when I spoke up, but there are far too many victims who are not believed when they speak out. The victim can become the outcast of the family, and in some cases the victim gets disowned. Some victims find themselves on their own because they had to move out for simply speaking the truth of what happened to them. So many people wonder where God could be, but here is the truth of it all...Jesus came to set us free from sin, our past, our hurt, our sicknesses, from everything that keeps us from having a personal and intimate relationship with God. In 2 Corinthians 1:3 we are told that God is the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort. If we come to the cross, and lay our burdens down at the feet of Jesus he will be faithful to take our burdens upon himself...he will heal us of our pain. I've been there, and it's the most beautiful place to be; to lay it all out in front of God, and to feel peace take over the hurt and the pain. If you are angry at God for all the pain in your life please read this other post of mine by clicking [here]. In the post I talk about mankind’s free will…you see God freely loves us, and wants us to freely love him in return. That’s why he gave us free will. We can do all kinds of things with our free will. We can choose to either harm others, or to do good to others. We can choose to curse or to bless others. We can choose to hate or to love. Our fee will empowers us to make choices. Which means that others can use their free will to either choose to do good to us or to do evil upon us. It is not God who makes the choice for us or for others as to what we will do with our free will. Our actions are our responsibility; just as the actions of others are their responsibility. I also share an experience I had while my aunt and her friend were praying for me. A vision God gave me of where he was and what he was doing while the abuse was going on. I hope you will read my post entitled “Do You Blame God ForThe Hurt In Your Life”. 

 

Let’s continue, and look at the innocence of a child...they are innocent in every way; they trust those who are in their lives to only do good to them, and not evil. They do not perceive that others may not have their best interest at heart.  A child does not have a concept of betrayal or deceit. I may not have been a young child when my step-dad, Jon, started abusing me, but I still trusted him. I trusted him to keep evil far from me. That even though he lied to others, I thought surly he would never lie to me in such a way as to bring harm and evil upon me. I was a teenager when the abuse started, and yes, perhaps I should have known better than to believe all the lies that Jon was telling me. It was so much easier to believe all the lies than to face the truth of being betrayed like that. I was naive and trusting...perhaps in the same way that Eve was naive and trusting of the serpent. I had no personal, intimate knowledge of evil at the hands of someone I knew and trusted. At a young age I had become aware that evil could be done by a stranger...when one broke into the apartment that my mom and I were living in when I was about 5 years old. I saw the two of them fighting, and when I screamed for my mom he let go of her and left. That somehow seems so different to me...we are taught to expect that a stranger might hurt us in such ways, but not that someone whom we trust would do so. Both are devastating!! It's like your eyes are opened to a personal knowledge of what evil truly is. It's an experience that weighs heavy on your soul, and you wish that it all could be taken away from you. I’m sure Adam and Eve felt the same way once they truly grasped the reality of what they had done. 

 

I will never be able to be totally free from the memories of this intimate experience with evil. But praise be to God! I can be free from the effects that were left behind. In God I can find the freedom to feel safe again, to be free from the nightmares, to find out who I truly am in the eyes of my creator, to feel loved and cared for, to see that I have worth and am worthy, for all the hurt to be carried away and replaced with healing. I have to allow the knowledge of the goodness of God to outweigh the knowledge of evil that was forced upon me. I choose to dwell on the goodness of a living God who is Holy, and whose express being is love.

New Books Added

I have added a few new books to the page "Books I've Read".

     A Woman's Way through The Twelve Steps By: Stephanie S. Covington, Ph.D. -- This is a great book, and the lessons taught in this book work for every aspect of a person's life. You don't have to be an alcoholic to read this book. You can substitute any addiction (food, drugs, sex, co-dependency, Internet, ect...) for the word alcohol. I read this book as part of a co-dependency group, and I learned a great deal from it. There is also a work book that goes along with this book.


     Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life: The New Acceptance & Commitment Therapy By: Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D with Spencer Smith -- This was a great book, and helped me a lot. This book helped me put into action things I knew that I needed to do, but couldn't quite figure out how to do it. I have known for a very long time that I needed to come to terms with my past. This book showed me that I had to be willing to fully accept my past, the way that it made me feel, and then it showed me how to move forward and not dwell on the negative. It's one of those books where you need to take the time to fully understand what it is teaching you, and how to apply it to your life. This book is well worth the effort that it asks you to put into practice. I read this book as part of a group for depression. I would say that this book works well for anyone who is not only feeling depressed, but for anyone who feels like they are stuck and just aren't sure on how to move forward. The main key is that you have to be willing to try the things in this book otherwise it does you no good if you are not willing. You first have to be willing to change in order for change to actually occur.


    Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse Workbook By: Carolyn Ainscough & Kay Toon -- This was a great book, and it really helped me a lot. However, this book can be intense, and you need to be prepared to be able to handle it. I love that in the beginning of this book they prepare you for what to do if you start to feel overwhelmed. What helped prepare me a lot for this book was the support group that I had done called "In the Wildflowers". This was a support group for dealing with childhood sexual abuse, and it was also a great group and a great help to me.


I will also be adding "In the Wildflowers" to the Internet resources page.

Thanks for taking a look at my blog, and I wish you peace and healing in your life. God Bless.

ASCA - A New Link To Check Out

I have added a new link. The ASCA - Survivor to Thriver Manual Please check it out and check out their Home Page ( http://www.ascasupport.org/index.php ) as well. I found this link today on RAINN's Facebook page. So, I admit that I haven't had the time to read it. I have looked at the table of contents and their Home Page though, and judging from that this looks like a really good resource website. ASCA stands for Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse.

So...Seriously...I Don't Get It...It Proves NOTHING

     Growing up my ex-step-mom worked on projects that she wasn't allowed to talk about, and I remember being told that she couldn't talk about them because if anyone ever came to the house to try to get us to tell them, then we wouldn't  be able to tell them anything because we wouldn't know anything. Then after my dad and my ex-step-mom divorced; and Jon, my mom, and I moved to Texas I was told that Jon had security clearance for his job.

     Leading up to court Jon claimed that he never had security clearance until right before court in 2007, and they even had his resume put into evidence...SERIOUSLY?! WHAT DOES THAT PROVE?!...NOTHING!!! Jon claimed that he had disclosed the pending court case against him in his application, but no one ever contacted the D.A. to ask them about the case. It doesn't matter what is in his resume; what matters is what I was told, and what I believed.

     My mom even knew that he had security clearance. He would always have us watch shows about government conspiracies, and at times claimed to have some kind of knowledge about it. One time Jon said that he was going to Area 51, and said that he could take me with him, but I had school and couldn't go. Jon went there more than once. He would fly to El Paso, Texas and then go to Area 51 from there. Jon would go into Mexico to get cheep antibiotics for our dog who had skin allergies. My mom even remembers seeing his plain tickets.

     Before we moved to Texas Jon worked for an Aerospace company that made satellites. Jon would travel to other countries to help with the launch. Also, when we moved to Texas Jon worked for another company that required a security clearance, and lots of traveling. Jon would tell me things like...that he had seen the launch codes for the satellite that was launched, and gave the codes to our government who then sabotaged the satellite; and that I couldn't tell anyone because he had signed a confidentiality agreement that he wouldn't talk about anything that he had seen, and that he could be charged with spying if I said anything. This is just the tip of the iceberg of lies and mind games that Jon did.

     If Jon really didn't have security clearance then how was I to know. A child or teenager is not going to have access to an adults resume, and even then the adult could have made a fake one or lied on their resume. There really is no way for a child or teenager to know. PLUS, my mom even knew that he had security clearance!!! There was NOTHING going on in my life to suggest that Jon was lying about having security clearance. So, what on earth would make them think that his resume had anything to do with it?! It is my opinion that Jon lied about not having security clearance until right before court in 2007. But regardless of that what matters is he told me he did (and there was no one to tell me otherwise), and that I believed him.

     I've just been thinking about this lately, and about how absurd I think it is that they put his resume in as evidence during court. I just don't get it. IT PROVES NOTHING!!!

A Rifle In A Blanket (9/16/2009)

     I've been thinking about something that happened when I was a teenager lately. Jon once brought out a rifle wrapped up in a blanket. He unwrapped it, gave it to me, and told me to look through the high power scope, and to feel how easy the trigger was. He then wrapped the rifle back up into the blanket...this whole time he never once touched it with his hands. Then after he has it all wrapped up he tells me that the "government" wants my finger prints on the gun; so that if I ever talk they the "government" would kill someone and frame me for it. I remember feeling the shock that the "government" would do that. And also wondering why Jon didn't worn me of this before he handed me the rifle. I mean really, what kind of sick person does that kind of thing?! I was only a child! Why did he have to mess with my mind like that. Why did he find it so necessary to instill so much fear into me. I guess the obvious answer is...self preservation to keep me from talking. And it worked for long time. But there are plenty of sick people out there who don't mess with people's minds like that. You would be shocked to hear all the lies that Jon has told me. One of the biggest areas of shame for me is the brain washing that Jon did to me. I am a shamed that I believed all his lies. That even though I knew that he lied to everyone I thought that surely he would never lie to me...I'm family and you don't lie to family. You don't betray family like that! You don't do to people what Jon did to me!