Merry Christmas

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. So far my Christmas break is going pretty good. I've had some stress, but I feel like I'm handling it well. Over all I am enjoying visiting family, and I wish the same for all of you. God bless, and I wish you all a safe New Year. I hope that the New Year brings healing, deliverance, peace, and joy to your life.

Joy Unspeakable

What to say about joy unspeakable...

     Over the past year I have come a very long way in my healing, and I continue to grow and heal. I have had at least two great life changing experiences with God that have really changed me. One was back on October 10th, and the other was over Thanksgiving weekend. What happened is mainly between me and God right now...I'm not ready to share the details with the world. But what I do want to share that has everything to do with these two experiences is...joy unspeakable. Almost on the daily bases I feel like I'm getting a clear view of what it means for me to just live life...to live it free from the bondage of my past. It's a glorious thing to be able to see that. And what's even more glorious is that I can feel joy entering into my spirit every time I get a glimpse of life...my life...free from bondage. Oh, joy unspeakable!!

     It's the kind of joy that lets me know that I'm on the right path, and that all will be ok. This is God doing a work in me that I cannot do myself. The fog of abuse is so thick that most of the time people have a hard time seeing their way out of it. When I get these glimpses of my life being on the right track it's like God's growing joy inside my soul!!!

     What I want you to know is that I'm a normal person, and I have my ups and downs. I don't usually go around all bubbly and joyful. I still have some struggles that need to be conquered, and I just haven't had the courage to share them with you. But what I do want you to be able to get from me sharing this with you is that it is possible to heal...to have genuine joy in your life again. I have found that the more I truly trust God to heal me the more He does, and the more joy there is returning to my life...entering and growing in my spirit, and I just praise God for it.

Britt Nicole - Hanging On (Slideshow With Lyrics)

     I love this song because it truly has been by holding onto God and His word that I am where I am today. I have done a lot of counceling and group therapy, but I feel as though God has used that to help me get to where I am today. It's a life long process to become the person who God made you to be, and as long as you're holding onto God and His word you'll do great. And always remember that GOD LOVES YOU!!

Beautiful by MercyMe (Lyrics)

     You are Beautiful and Loved by God. You are Treasured and Sacred...you are God's Beloved. You are more than the pain that you hold inside; you are made for so much more than all of that. You are Beautiful and Loved by God. God is madly in love with you...enough to die for you. You are so Beautiful, Precious, Treasured, and Sacred in the eyes of God. He longs to touch your breaking heart and to heal you of your pain. This is a great song about being beautiful in the eyes of God.

Happy Thanksgiving

     I hope that all of you had a great Thanksgiving, and for all of you outside of the U.S I hope that you had a great November 25th. I am truly thankful for my relationship with God, my husband, my kids, and my family. I think it's great when we take the time to think about what we are thankful for...the good in our lives. Wow! What a mood changer that can be. I know people who when they are feeling sad who sit down and think about all that they are thankful for in their lives. And it helps them to appreciate and focus on the good instead of dwelling on the negative...it helps put things into perspective. I think that's a big challenge for abuse survivors.

     For anyone who has lived through any kind of abuse it's such a trauma in our lives that it becomes a center peace of our life and of our thinking. The challenge then becomes trying to get untangled from the mass of negative thoughts and feelings that our minds become submerged in. It's like our minds don't know any other way of being, and it takes a re-training (in a sense) of our minds to over come it. You have to be dedicated to becoming healthy, and to seek out resources that will help you to be able to move forward with your life. You first have to be willing to make changes in order for there to be any possibility of a change occurring because with out willingness you will remain stuck where you are at.

Oh, did I mention that I am thankful for my pets. What are you thankful for? Why not take some time to sit down and think about all that you are thankful for...all the good in your life. You just might smile, and I hope you do. Take care of yourselves and God bless.

Point Of Grace - There Is Nothing Greater Than Grace

Wow!! This is an awesome song. There is no grace greater than the grace of Jesus!! The grace of God is His unmerited favor toward you. You can not earn God's grace, but He gives it FREELY to you because HE LOVES YOU. Yes, God loves YOU!! "There is no valley, there is no darkness, there is no sorrow, there is no moment, there is no distance greater than the grace of Jesus. There is no heartbreak that He can't take you through. Remember that there is nothing greater than grace. So don't lose hope, don't let go, don't give up, you are not alone". What a great message, and these are such great words. There is such an awesome truth in the words of this song. No one is too lost to be saved by the grace of Jesus. It doesn't matter what is in your past it can all be forgiven, and it can all be healed...for there is NOTHING GREATER THAN THE GRACE OF JESUS!!

ASCA - A New Link To Check Out

I have added a new link. The ASCA - Survivor to Thriver Manual Please check it out and check out their Home Page ( http://www.ascasupport.org/index.php ) as well. I found this link today on RAINN's Facebook page. So, I admit that I haven't had the time to read it. I have looked at the table of contents and their Home Page though, and judging from that this looks like a really good resource website. ASCA stands for Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse.

Alive- Avalon (With Lyrics)

I ABSOLUTLY LOVE THIS SONG!!! THIS IS MY THEME SONG!! God has been so good to me, and has really helped me overcome my past so much in the past few months...I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME...I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING WITHIN...FINALLY I'M BREATHING AGAIN...I WON'T LET THIS CHANCE GO BY...WATCH ME WHILE I COME ALIVE...EVERY SECOND YOU AWAKEN MY SOUL...RIGHT BEFORE MY VERY EYES...WATCH ME WHILE I COME ALIVE!!!  Just listen to the words of this song. For me at lest, this song is very powerful, and I feel so empowered when I listen to it. I hope that you will feel the same way too.

Finally Arriving

     I feel like I'm finally arriving at a healing point that I have only dreamed about until now. It's an amazing feeling to be here, and I'll do my best to try to describe and explain where I'm finally at in my healing journey. My God is such an awesome God, and I would not be where I'm at if it weren't for God's loving grace, and His delivering power.

      The three support groups that I'm in now in conjunction with my faith have really done a lot to help me in the past several weeks. There is a truth that I have know about, but have never fully experienced until now. Logically I have known for quite some time that to fully heal that I would have to come to a place where I can experience my memories without them affecting me so much, and a place where my past does not rule over my present life. It has been 9 years since I have come out of denial about the sexual abuse, and even longer from the time the abuse started until now (about 13 years). Think about that...I have been in one way or another dealing with this for 13 years!! I can honestly say that I wish that it hadn't taken 13 years to get to where I'm at today. My life has been marred by this sexual abuse for far too long. But long before the sexual abuse began there was also mental abuse, and my life has been marred by that for far too long also. I am reclaiming my life, and my past has no power and authority over me today. I claim that in the name of MY LORD and SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST!!

     One of the turning points for me was a quote that I read in one of my group books, "If you are willing to have an emotion, feeling, thought, or memory instead of attempting to control it, then the agenda of control is undermined, and you are free from the inevitable by-products of this agenda" (Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life by: Steven C. Hayes, PH.D. with Spencer Smith, pg. 125). Wow! what a great truth that was for me. By trying to block my unpleasant memories and triggers I was giving control over to those unpleasant memories and triggers. I then became powerless over them, but that quote showed me how to take the control back. I can't wish the past away, and I can't erase it from my memory...it is what it is, and I have to just let it be.  I have to understand AND be OK with the fact that these painful memories exist. I have to know that at times I'm going to have thoughts and memories (and even painful ones) about my past. And most importantly I have to be OK with all of that, and willing to experience them just as they are without trying to control it in any way. I have to take it in, and then let it out without dwelling on it and feeding the negative feelings that arise from it. What I am learning from the Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life book is how to experience my memories (to just let them be) without feeding the negative emotions that come with those memories. This is a place that I have always known that I needed to reach in order to be able to move on with my life, but I guess that I just wasn't ready until now. I truly wish that it hadn't taken me this long to get here. It's a process that can't be rushed, faked, or forced. It has to come from a heart that is willing to except the past for what it is, and be willing to move forward with it without trying to control those emotions, feelings, thoughts, or memories. You have to be willing to experience them for what they are and then to move forward instead of dwelling on it...you are the only one who can do this; no one can do it for you.

     I have also had an awesome experience at the church that I got to. I won't go into detail about it, but I will tell you about the insight that I have gained from it. This truly was a major turning point for me, and I felt so many burdens lifted from me that day. Sexual abuse is like a really bad family curse that can be passed down from generation to generation. I have spent so much time worrying if my children would at some point in their lives be affected by that curse I couldn't see their future. How awful is that!!! I couldn't tell what kind of future my children would have because I was so worried about them falling pray to this family curse!!! Again HOW AWFUL IS THAT!!! BUT! no more will I dwell on that. I feel as though that burden was lifted from me that day, and I can now see that my children have a bright future blessed from God!! That in itself is an amazing turn around to me. I feel free to truly focus on my children, and free to fully focus on becoming the mother to my children that I want to be. It's not going to be easy, but I'm more determined than I've ever been. And that determination alone is going to help me more easily conquer the areas that I need to work on. Can you see how my past was poisoning my life? The constant worrying was like a poison affecting every aspect of my life...poisoning my relationships with my children and with my husband. But I say to my past, "You have no authority here! You have no authority over my life! You have no authority over me! You will no longer rule over me and my life! I am setting myself free from you!".

     So, this is where I am at today...living a life that is even MORE blessed of God than it was before! I give God all the glory for bringing me here to where I am at today. It is God who is helping me to purge the poison of my past out of my life today. It is God that has helped me get to a place where I can accept my memories without them ruling over me. To be able to accept there will be bumps in the road still, but that I can keep them from ruling over me. It is God who has placed the people in my life that have helped me so much, and it was God who lead me to the groups that I have been in. It has always been in God's hands; who have lovingly guided me all these years to bring me through this, and He will always be there to guide me.

My Letter To Jordan Smith & The Austin Chronicle Regarding The Article "Sex Offenders Exposed"

      I recently read an article "Sex Offenders Exposed" by Jordan Smith of the Austin Chronicle. This article really upset me. The article is about how some people want sex offenders to have a path for de-registration. Read it for yourself. Below is a copy of a two page letter that I wrote to Jordan and the Austin Chronicle showing them how their article "Sex Offenders Exposed" is completely one sided, and minimizes what a victim has gone through. I have also submitted a shorter 300 word letter to the editor; which was very difficult for me to do because these facts don't fit into 300 words.

Dear Jordan Smith,


     Your article on Sex Offenders comes across as completely one sided. Why is it that a person has to be considered to be sexually VIOLENT to be a threat, and the only ones that need to be kept track of? A person does NOT have to be sexually violent to pose a further threat to children, and society at large. While it is true that the more violent the crime the more likely the offender is to repeat it; not all repeat offenders are violent. “Nearly 1/3 of child victimizers had NEVER BEFORE been ARRESTED PRIOR to the CURRENT OFFENSE, compared to less than 20% of those who victimized adults” (www.yellodyno.com). The RIGHT OF A CHILD TO BE A CHILD is far more IMPORTANT than taking an offender’s word that he or she won’t do it again because far too many of them do, do it again. Why are there so many who are willing to gamble with the innocence of a child? Did you know that “3 in 10 victimizers reported that they had committed their crimes against MULTIPLE VICTIMS: they were MORE likely than those who victimized adults to HAVE HAD MULTIPLE VICTIMS” (www.yellodyno.com). The typical child molester has about 117 victims most of which DO NOT REPORT what happened (www.sexoffenderfinder.com). 1-10% of child molestations is never disclosed which makes it one of the most UNDERREPORTED crimes; much like rape (www.yellodyno.com). Dr. Ann Burgers and others in a study of imprisoned offenders found that their actions were “highly repetitive, to the point of compulsion, rather than resulting from a lack of judgment”. In a National Crime Victimization Survey in 1996 it was found that less than 1 in every 3 rapes and sexual assaults was reported. Offenders who have child victims on average have shorter sentences than those who have adult victims (www.yellodyno.com).

     Your argument that the sex offender registry is not effective because most sex offences occur at the hands of someone the victim knows is laughable to me. While it is true that most sex offences occur at the hands of someone the victims knows; that offender was a stranger at some point in their lives. A family who is getting to know someone should have access to the registry to know if that person is a known threat or not. Of the child abuse sex offenders 60% are an acquaintance…that is someone the family doesn’t know that well (www.yellodyno.com). Why wouldn’t the registry provide useful information to families when they are making new friends, or to a single parent who is making new friends who will be around their children?

     Senator John Whitmire’s words of, “we’re painting everybody with a broad brush” is no excuse for taking the measures that he and Texas Voices proposes. They cry and say that they are being painted with the broad brush of sex offender, but their solution is to use a broad brush to allow almost all sex offenders a way to get off the registry. I don’t know anyone who thinks that makes sense. If they truly want to help those who end up on this list who shouldn’t be there, then their efforts should be to have the laws clarified so that those who don’t belong on the list don’t end up on it. And not geared towards making a way for those who should be on the sex offender list a way to get off. The problems that they are talking about seem to be due to the wording of the laws, and not the registry itself. Also, the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act of 2006 sets limits to how long an offender has to register based on what tier they are in. Tier 1 sex offenders register for 15 years, Tier 2 for 25 years, and Tier 3 for life (www.ncsl.org). In addition the State can decide to shorten the registration length according to the Tier system for having a clean record for a certain amount of time, and for completing certain programs (www.ncsl.org). There were also many grants available for the States to help with the funding of the implementation of the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act of 2006; most of which have expired, but they were there for the States to use. If the State wanted help with the funding then they shouldn’t have waited until the funding ended to try to implement this law. All of which you could have easily found out if you did any research into the Act, but judging from your article it doesn’t look like you did. Or you did, and the facts didn’t work with the one-sidedness of your story so you choose to leave it out.

     Your article also talks about “risk-assessment tools” that are designed to determine the offender’s chances that he or she will reoffend. I am not against the use of such “tools”, but I feel as though those “tools” are not up-to-date as they should be. So while their “tools” tell them that my offender is at a “low” risk of reoffending I have to wonder what they are thinking. If he was only going to do it one time, why then did I go through a year and a half to two years of abuse? That is the actions of someone who is willing to repeat their disgusting actions over and over again. Do their “risk-assessment tools” take into account the maliciousness of his trickery, and how well he had planned his deception? I am only left to believe that their “risk-assessment tools” do not take those things and other things into account; because if they did then there would be no way that he would be listed as being at a “low” risk to reoffend.

     Your article also talks about the unfortunate effects the registry has on the family members of those who are on the list. It is very unfortunate that the children who live with someone who is on the list are affected in such ways, and children should not have to bear the consequences of the actions of another person. This is again a spot where your article is once again one sided. There are real victims behind these sex offenders whose lives are forever changed. Who live with the shame of what has been done to them. What about the life sentence that a victim has. A victim/ survivor of sexual abuse and sexual assault will never be able to apply to have that part of their life fixed. And the justice system only re-victimizes. As the victim & survivor of childhood sexual abuse the court system treated me more like I was the bad person, and pandered to just about every wish that my abuser had. As victims and survivors we are told to be silent and to not talk about what we have been through. Any form of abuse thrives and lives in the silence. It’s not right to ask a victim and a survivor to return to that silence because it’s inconvenient to others. Articles like yours say that the victims of these crimes aren’t important enough to make sure that fixes are done properly, and that what we have suffered is minimized; but it does say, “let’s just use that same broad brush that we’re complaining about to set almost all of the sex offenders free from the registry list”. Where would be the Justice in that? There wouldn’t be.

Regards,

Leah K.

Here are the websites that I got these statistics from:

1.)   http://www.yellodyno.com/html/rape_stats.html

2.) http://www.yellodyno.com/html/child_molester_stats.html

3.) http://www.sexoffenderfinder.com/statistics.htm

4.) http://www.ncsl.org/IssuesResearch/CivilandCriminalJustice/HR4472AdamWalshChildProtectionandSafetyAc/tabid/12699/Default.aspx

"let it out" Chris and Conrad

I just love this song right now!!! After we have suffered abuse a lot of us put on masks to hide what's really going on with us. The parts of this song that I love the most are, "let it out, let it out, everything you've worked so hard to hide...let it out, let it out, leave it at the cross where Jesus died...take off your mask, find peace at last, cause he loves you more than you could ever know...let it out...admit how much you need healing, let him bring it all to you...trade it all for love and freedom...let the past go...it will never define you...let it out...". What an amazing song to me. It's so important to let it out because when we keep the abuse all pined up inside of us it just eats away at us. There is so much freedom to be found by bringing it to Jesus and giving it to him. I don't try to pretend that this is an easy thing for everyone to do...there are times when I find that there are parts of my abuse that I haven't fully give over to God, and I have to bring those things to the feet of Jesus and allow him to do a healing work within me. There are times when the hurt and pain rise up again within me, and I have to forgive all over again and learn to give it all back to Jesus once again. The abuse of my past WILL NOT define me.

Jonny Diaz - More Beautiful You w/lyrics

This is another fantastic song!!! What a great message this song has.

More Like Falling in love

This is such a great song!!!! This song is all about what being a Christian should be all about. It needs to be about falling in love with God.

I Didn't Handel A Trigger Well

     Last night was kinda rough for me. While I was getting my girls ready for bed...I had one not wanting to lay still so that I could change her diaper & then my oldest bent over to whisper in my ear to tell me what the baby had just done while I was trying to change the diaper. This set off a big trigger for me, and I don't even know why it is a trigger for me...I don't understand it. When our oldest whispers in my ear I INSTANTLY want to be in a space bubble with no one around me, no one touching me, and my irritation level goes through the roof. I started getting very short with her, and I could see in her face that she was getting upset with me as well.

      When I got to bed and lay down I started crying. What had she done to warrant me being so short with her? The answer...NOTHING!!!! She didn't deserve for me to be like that with her. Her actions were completely innocent, and she had no knowledge nor intention of setting off a trigger. I felt horrible, and was very upset with myself for not being able to control my reaction to that trigger. I'm going to try to do better the next time.

FRAGILE by Ten Shekel Shirt

I came across this video on RAINN's Facebook page. It has a great message of "It's not your fault"!!!

A Power Greater Than Myself

     I was just asked in a workbook to write down..."What do you currently believe about a Power greater than yourself?" I find these exercises helpful for me. They help to remind me of what a wonderful God it is that I serve.

Here is MY answer:

     I AM A CHRISTIAN and I believe that God loves me. There is nothing that I can do to earn His love, but He loves me freely. He sent His ONLY Son to die a horrible death so that I can have forgiveness of my sins, healing, and deliverance. That Jesus Christ, God's ONLY Son, loves me enough to WILLINGLY lay down his life and to suffer a horrible death for my sake, to take my place so that I may have everlasting life. There is NO GREATER LOVE THAN THIS...that Jesus lay down His life for me when I was still a sinner, and I knew not the joy of living under the power, grace, mercy, and love of God.

This kind of love is available to anyone who wants it...isn't that great!!!

A Letter From God To Me

     In one of my groups I had to write a letter to God, and then write a letter from God to me. I would like to share the letter that I wrote from God to me. It was an extremely helpful exercise for me to do.

Dear Leah,

My Child, I shall comfort your waste places; make your wilderness like Eden, and your desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found in you with thanksgiving, and the voice of melody (Is 51:3). I will comfort you as a mother comforts her child (Is 66:13) for I am the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort (2 Cor 1:3).

For I have seen your ways, and will heal you. I will lead you and restore comfort (Is 57:18). I will heal your backsliding, I will love you freely: for mine anger is turned away from you (Ho 14:4). I will restore health unto you, and I will heal you of your wounds because they called you an outcast, saying, this is Leah, whom no man seeks after (Jer 30:17). When you dwell under my shadow you shall return and revive as the corn, and grow as the vine: the sent thereof shall be pleasing (Ho 14:7). My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest (Ex 33:14).

Your Loving Father,

God

Here are the Bible verses that I used:

Isaiah 51:3 – For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody.

Isaiah 66:13 – As one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort you; and ye shall be comforted in Jerusalem

2 Corinthians 1:3 – Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort

Isaiah 57:18 – I have seen his ways, and will heal him: I will lead him also, and restore comforts unto him and to his mourners

Hosea 14:4 – I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely: for mine anger is turned away from him

Jeremiah 30:17 – For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the Lord; because they called thee an Outcast, saying, This is Zion, whom on man seeketh after

Hosea 14:7 – They that dwell under his shadow shall return; they shall revive as the corn, and grow as the vine: the scent thereof shall be as the wine of Lebanon (I feel as though I should explain why this verse was used. When it comes to our relationship with God we can grow vertically...like the corn. And when it comes to our relationships with people we can grow horizontally...like the vine. Not only does the vertical and horizontal growth represent the cross, but this verse also tells me that God will heal and revive my relationship with him, and that He will heal and grow my relationships with others).

Exodus 33: 14 – And he said, My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest

So...Seriously...I Don't Get It...It Proves NOTHING

     Growing up my ex-step-mom worked on projects that she wasn't allowed to talk about, and I remember being told that she couldn't talk about them because if anyone ever came to the house to try to get us to tell them, then we wouldn't  be able to tell them anything because we wouldn't know anything. Then after my dad and my ex-step-mom divorced; and Jon, my mom, and I moved to Texas I was told that Jon had security clearance for his job.

     Leading up to court Jon claimed that he never had security clearance until right before court in 2007, and they even had his resume put into evidence...SERIOUSLY?! WHAT DOES THAT PROVE?!...NOTHING!!! Jon claimed that he had disclosed the pending court case against him in his application, but no one ever contacted the D.A. to ask them about the case. It doesn't matter what is in his resume; what matters is what I was told, and what I believed.

     My mom even knew that he had security clearance. He would always have us watch shows about government conspiracies, and at times claimed to have some kind of knowledge about it. One time Jon said that he was going to Area 51, and said that he could take me with him, but I had school and couldn't go. Jon went there more than once. He would fly to El Paso, Texas and then go to Area 51 from there. Jon would go into Mexico to get cheep antibiotics for our dog who had skin allergies. My mom even remembers seeing his plain tickets.

     Before we moved to Texas Jon worked for an Aerospace company that made satellites. Jon would travel to other countries to help with the launch. Also, when we moved to Texas Jon worked for another company that required a security clearance, and lots of traveling. Jon would tell me things like...that he had seen the launch codes for the satellite that was launched, and gave the codes to our government who then sabotaged the satellite; and that I couldn't tell anyone because he had signed a confidentiality agreement that he wouldn't talk about anything that he had seen, and that he could be charged with spying if I said anything. This is just the tip of the iceberg of lies and mind games that Jon did.

     If Jon really didn't have security clearance then how was I to know. A child or teenager is not going to have access to an adults resume, and even then the adult could have made a fake one or lied on their resume. There really is no way for a child or teenager to know. PLUS, my mom even knew that he had security clearance!!! There was NOTHING going on in my life to suggest that Jon was lying about having security clearance. So, what on earth would make them think that his resume had anything to do with it?! It is my opinion that Jon lied about not having security clearance until right before court in 2007. But regardless of that what matters is he told me he did (and there was no one to tell me otherwise), and that I believed him.

     I've just been thinking about this lately, and about how absurd I think it is that they put his resume in as evidence during court. I just don't get it. IT PROVES NOTHING!!!

Francesca Battistelli - Beautiful [with lyrics]

     I really love this song. Especially the beginning of it: "Don't know how it is that you looked at me and saw the person that I could be. Breaking through the dark; suddenly your grace like sunlight burning at midnight making my life something so beautiful, beautiful".

Healing Is Scary?!

     OK, it's time for some total honesty here...more than anything I want to be healed from my past, but there is a part of me that is afraid of the healing. I'm determined for good to be produced out of this horrible time of my life. To use my experiences to help others. I guess that I'm afraid that if I were to just drop it and forget about it, then who will validate what happened to me? I've had a hard time finding the support that I crave, and I'm learning to try to heal with giving myself that support that I crave. So, if I no longer hold onto it, then who will care about what happened to me? Will I have suffered a horrible childhood for nothing? How then can good come of it if it was all in vain? I guess that I'm afraid that it will mean that what Jon did was OK, and I know that it WAS NOT OK. I know that to truly be able to help others that I need to heal, but at the same time it feels like I can't help if I fully let go of it. It's a fear that is keeping me locked up, and unable to fully heal. I have to find a way to over come this fear if I am to heal from my past, and be able to live the life that I want to live!!!

     I like to write, and this blog is helping me to think out loud. When I write these posts it helps me to put my feelings down in writing, and makes them clearer for me to see just what it is that I'm feeling. It's a real roller coaster at times full of conflicting and confusing thoughts that are not always easy to work through. With today's post I was able to figure out more clearly why in the back of my mind I find healing scary, and I was able to realize that I have to let go of that fear. I'm not going to pretend that it will be easy. In fact, I think that it's going to be really hard for me to do because I am afraid that no one will care about what happened to me; and I want to know that people care, and that what happened does matter. But I am committed to my healing, and to doing what it takes to heal; even if that means overcoming my fears.

My Distraction Cycle Is Damaging

     Things haven't been going very well for me lately. The last depression medicine that I was on really set me back. I felt too overwhelmed to do anything during the day. When I feel overwhelmed I tend to bury myself on the computer. I spend a lot of time on the Internet on Facebook. When I look at the house chores that I have to do I become very overwhelmed because I work up these tasks in my mind into these chores that I can't possibly do well enough for my perfectionist mind; so, I distract myself from it. The more I distract myself the more the house work piles up, and the more it piles up the more overwhelmed I feel, and the more I distract myself from it. It's a vicious cycle that is hard to break, and one that I desperately need to break because it is causing damage to my family. Don't get me wrong; my house isn't filthy, but it's not necessarily in a state where I would want people over to the house to see it.

     Growing up Jon was very critical of everything, and I always felt like I couldn't do things well enough. When ever I think about how critical Jon is I always remember this incident...Jon gave me a chore to do then a few minutes later came back to give me another chore to do, and when he came back a few minutes later to give me a third chore to do he got mad at me for not having the other two chores done. Now, I'm not the world's fastest worker; I'm actually a pretty slow worker. But even then anyone would have needed more time to complete the chores that Jon had given me. Jon is ADD which makes him pretty hyper, but just because I can't work at his pace doesn't mean that he has the right to get mad at anyone who can't keep up with him.

     I haven't been the same ever since I started dealing with the sexual abuse that Jon put me through. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to being that person who I was when I was living in denial. But then I think about all that was going on in my life while I was in denial of the abuse, and I was living in a very dysfunctional home...hence the denial; it was a way of protecting myself from a reality that was too hard for me to handle at the time. So, I guess that I should give myself credit for coming to a place where I can come out of the denial, and to be on my healing journey.

     This journey hasn't been easy, and has taken a real toll on my marriage. It's very hard for my husband to see me struggling to get better, and to see how the abuse has devastated my sense of self worth. He too struggles with watching me trying to cope with it all, and it has nearly destroyed our marriage. He simply can't deal with it any more. This DOES NOT mean that his love for me is any less, and that he doesn't desire to support me in my healing journey. My husband more than anyone wants to see me healed from my past. It has just become too hard for him to deal with something so horrible that has happened to someone whom he loves so much...it's too overwhelming for him; as it is for most people. This is hard on me too; to not be able to share with him some of the things that are going on with me. But the Lord is my strength, and He will get me through this. I have also learned that when I need to talk that I can turn to the friends that I have made in the support groups that I have been in. These are ladies that have been through similar things as me, and can truly understand what I'm going through. I don't feel so alone on my journey when I talk with them.

     Here is a real way in which the abuse is not only affecting me, but my family. My husband recently told me that he feels like we are growing apart due to the amount of time that I spend on the computer. I tried to explain to him the vicious cycle that I'm in, and I asked him for more understanding while I try to get better. My husband has every right to feel the way that he feels, and I'm so grateful that he continues to support my healing journey and stands by as I try to heal. I did admit that the amount of time that I spend on the computer is a problem that I recognize, and that I am taking steps to fix it. The main reason why I am taking antidepressants is so that I can stop feeling so overwhelmed all the time, and get off the computer, and get things done around the house. That in the back of my mind I'm screaming at myself, "what are you doing!", "why are you on this thing!", "you should be in the other room with your family!", "GET OFF!". But I feel glued to my chair. It's not a nice or pleasant feeling...that I am missing out with time that should be spent with playing with my girls, and spending quality family time together. If anything, I will use it to drive me all the more to heal; so that I can give my family the time that they deserve.

I Hate Depression

     Over the last few months I've been trying different antidepressant medications trying to find the right one to help me function the right way during the day. It wasn't all that easy for me to even think about getting help like that. I hate depression, and the fact that I need help. It just got to the point that I felt that it wasn't healthy for my daughters to see me struggling to keep up with the house work, and with cooking dinner. I don't have the type of depression where you feel sad all the time; which is probably why it's so hard for me to accept that I need help. I just felt so overwhelmed by everything around me that it paralyzed me to the point that I didn't feel like I could get anything done around the house. When I did finally go see a doctor she tested my serotonin levels which turned out to be very low. This does help me to realize that I have a chemical imbalance that I have no control over, and that taking medicine should be able to help me feel better. I do not think that taking antidepressants is a fix all solution. It is something that I plan on doing for now, but I plan on someday being healthy enough to get off of it.

     I recently tried switching the antidepressant that I was on, and well...I'll just say that it's not the right one for me. I haven't felt this bad in a while. I didn't want to get out of bed, I was having some trouble sleeping, and most important of all...I had ZERO drive to do ANYTHING during the day. I pretty much spend all of yesterday on the couch. The whole day I was yelling at myself in my mind...saying things like, "what are you doing?!" "get up and do something!" "don't just sit there" "why are you doing that". The more I yelled at myself the more bogged down I felt. I couldn't stand feeling the way that I felt yesterday, and I wasn't going to continue on that medicine to see how long it would take to see if it would help. I had been on it for about a week; most take a few weeks to fully help, but there was no way that I was going to wait that long and to continue to feel that way. So, I've put myself back on the previous medicine that I was on until I go the next time to see the doctor. It's not that the previous medicine was all that bad (it did help me some); I just thought that there might be something out there that would be better. Which is why I was trying the current antidepressant that didn't work out too well.

     The reason why I hate depression, and having to take medicine for it has a lot to do with my childhood. My mom was suicidal pretty much all through out my teen years. She would just sit there and cry, and do nothing. I grew to see crying as a weakness that I never wanted to have. Yeah, sure my mom went to doctors for help, but it wasn't much help. The more medicine she got on the more suicidal she got. It was all just a bad mix of medicine. She would have side effects to one medicine, and instead of changing the medicine the doctor would just add another medicine that came with it's own set of side effects to add to the mix as well. I remember hiding the car keys from her so that she couldn't just drive off...driving while crying is such a dangerous thing. She would tell me that she just wanted to run away or drive off a bridge. I even stood behind and in front of her car so that she couldn't leave the driveway on different occasions. I did my best to help / "fix" her, but nothing I did worked. So, you can see why I was so hesitant to be on antidepressants, but I'm still not going to allow myself to be put on a lot of medicine all at once. It has all boiled down to what kind of mother I want to be, and what kind of memories I want my children to have of me. I don't want my girls to remember me as a mom that couldn't get anything done, and just sat around the house. I want to be so much better than that for them...they deserve it.

Georgia Forced to Soften Their Sex Offender Laws

Here is an atricle from Fox News about how Georgia is changing their sex offender laws. It's important to know what your states laws are, and how / if they plan on changing them. Georgia is now allowing some sex offenders to pratically live where ever they want to, some to petition to be REMOVED from the sex offender registry, and more.

To get to the article go to this link  Georgia Forced to Soften Famously Strict Laws Against Sex Offenders

Casting Crowns - Voice of Truth [LYRICS]

     I would like to share this song with you. This is one of the songs that I held onto very tightly during the time right before court all the way until court was over; and this song still means a lot to me to this day.

     The song talks about how he wishes that he had the strength to get out of the boat onto the crashing waves (a reference to when Peter stepped out of the boat to walk on the water to Jesus who had called him out onto the water where he was), and to have the strength to stand before a giant. And how the Waves and the Giant are calling out his name, and they laugh at him; reminding him of all the times that he's tried before and failed...saying "boy, you'll never win, you'll never win". I felt like this was me not just facing the court system, but also facing Jon and his lawyers. I had District attorneys tell me that it would be almost impossible to get a guilty verdict, and one even told me that he wasn't sure if he believed me or not. Then in court I had to face Jon who the whole time looked at me with such a hateful and revengeful look on his face, and had to deal with his lawyers who had the audacity to try to get me to say that I thought that I was Jon's child bride!!! THAT MAKES ME SICK!!! I had stepped out of the boat onto the crashing waves, and was facing my giant. Thank you Lord for the strength that you have given me!!!

     BUT! there is a VOICE OF TRUTH that "tells me a different story; the VOICE OF TRUTH tells me do not be afraid. The VOICE OF TRUTH says this is for my glory". This part of the song was Jesus reminding me that I was speaking the voice of truth, and that as long as I was speaking the truth that all would be ok, and for me to not be afraid. And I do give God ALL THE GLORY for giving me the guilty verdict in court. Let the Lord be glorified for what he has done for me!!! The next part of the song says that out of all the voices calling out to him that he will listen to the voice of truth...amen and amen to that!! Always! Always! Listen to the VOICE OF TRUTH that is Jesus Christ!

     This part of the song is great too, "I will soar with the wings of eagles when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me". It's so hard to describe the feeling that I had when that guilty verdict was read. At the start of court I had no doubt in my mind that Jon would be found guilty...it didn't even enter my mind that there was any way possible he would not be found guilty. But during the jury's 14 hours of deliberation I started to worry and to wounder, and started to feel as though my victory was being taken away from me. I heard God asking me if I still trusted Him; my response to Him was, "Of course Lord. I still trust you". And what a great victory it was that the Lord gave me!!!

     So, here it is...such a great song that I hold dearly to my heart.

Anxiety In August (8/8/2009)

     The closer that I get to the end of this month (August) the more that I can feel my anxiety level going up. I feel as though evil is being let loose upon the streets to find its next target. For me it's not a question of if, but of when Jon will make his next move. And I feel as though I should be there to stop it. I don't really think that Jon will come after me and my family...although...that doesn't stop me from worrying about it. I also worry about the games that Jon will try to play with his Parole Officer. I hope that his Parole Officer is smarter than him to catch him in his games. I know how Jon works. I have lived through the nightmare of having to survive living with him, and with that comes an understanding of how his mind works. Jon will try to get away with things. It will be small things at first and over time it will turn into bigger things. I'm very worried about the mind games that he will play with people. Notice that I didn't say "try to play", but "to play". Jon always plays mind games with people. There are at least two things that are apart of Jon being able to breathe: 1. lying and 2. mind games.

Evil...Literal EVIL...Has Been Let Out!!! (8/29/2009)

     Imagine a dark black box, and evil is contained in it. And now that box has been opened to let that evil once again roam free. I am speaking of course of my ex step-dad Jon Hales. He was let out of prison yesterday. I don't feel like his punishment fit his crime. In some ways I feel a little betrayed that he was let out. I know that he has served his full sentence, but it still feels like a betrayal that they would let someone like him out. I do not feel like I was his first victim, and I don't think that I'll be his last. The hardest part is knowing that I have done all that I can to stop him, and I don't think that it will be enough.

  
     Yesterday a friend of mine told me that I should pray for his soul because only Jesus can change a person like Jon. As the truth of that is sinking in...I'm starting to realize that if I truly want to stop him I'll have to pray for him to get genuinely saved. She is so right...Only Jesus can take that kind of evil out of a person. I've worked so hard at forgiving Jon, and sometimes that means doing my best to forgive him daily. I still have some anger towards him for all that he did, and for all that I feel he will continue to do. I can't say it enough right now...Jesus is the only one who can change Jon. JESUS IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CHANGE JON!!!! Jon has such a depraved heart and mind that I know that he will not seek God out. This means that I'll have to pray for God to continually put people in Jon's path to such an extent that no matter where he turns he can't get away from them. This is such a hard step for me. I'm perfectly content with knowing that as of right now...Jon will go to hell when he dies. It's not easy for me to give up wanting Jon to receive the full wrath of God that he has so rightly earned, and deserves. And even now as I write this I am remained that each and every one of us has rightly earned and deserves the full wrath of God outside of Jesus.


Dear God,

     I pray that You heal me of all this anger that is within me. That You help me to just let it go, and to truly and fully forgive. That I may live my life free from worrying about what Jon may be doing to others. And that You free me from the desire to see Jon receive Your full wrath. For outside of Jesus we all have earned and deserve Your full wrath. Help me to remember that.
     
     I ask that You, O Lord, place people in Jon's way that would lead him to You. I ask that there be such an abundant amount of people in his life that live for You, O Lord, that Jon cannot escape Your presence through them. Only You, Jesus, can change a man like Jon. Only You can change the depravity of his heart and mind. I pray that these 2 years that Jon has spent in prison have softened his heart, and not hardened it. Lord, I pray that Jon gives his life fully to You, and that he holds NOTHING back from You. You know my heart Lord, and how hard it is for me to ask this of You. But it is my desire that no one else be harmed by Jon like I was. And I realize that You are the only one who can change a man like Jon, and take all that evil out of him.

In Jesus' name I ask these things. Amen.

Older Posts

I'm posting some older posts of mine so that you can see the progress that I've made, and how the abuse has affected me. You'll be able to tell that it is a older post by it's label and title which will have the date of the original posting.

Mathew 16:19 - The Power To Bind And To Loose (1/11/2010)

     Mathew 16:19 Says, "And I will give unto thee the Keys of the Kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven".

     Therefore, I have both the power to bind and to lose things on earth and in heaven. As for me...I do not want to live a life where I have bound up un-forgiveness and then have to live out the consequences of having a life and heart full of un-forgiveness. If I bind up for myself un-forgiveness then I will live a life of un-forgiveness!!! That is not a life that I want to live! Forgiveness of Jon is not for his benefit, but for mine; so that I do not have to live a life of un-forgiveness, but can live a life full of forgiveness. I do not want to be bound to Jon. I want to be free from him, and that starts with wholly forgiving him.

A Rifle In A Blanket (9/16/2009)

     I've been thinking about something that happened when I was a teenager lately. Jon once brought out a rifle wrapped up in a blanket. He unwrapped it, gave it to me, and told me to look through the high power scope, and to feel how easy the trigger was. He then wrapped the rifle back up into the blanket...this whole time he never once touched it with his hands. Then after he has it all wrapped up he tells me that the "government" wants my finger prints on the gun; so that if I ever talk they the "government" would kill someone and frame me for it. I remember feeling the shock that the "government" would do that. And also wondering why Jon didn't worn me of this before he handed me the rifle. I mean really, what kind of sick person does that kind of thing?! I was only a child! Why did he have to mess with my mind like that. Why did he find it so necessary to instill so much fear into me. I guess the obvious answer is...self preservation to keep me from talking. And it worked for long time. But there are plenty of sick people out there who don't mess with people's minds like that. You would be shocked to hear all the lies that Jon has told me. One of the biggest areas of shame for me is the brain washing that Jon did to me. I am a shamed that I believed all his lies. That even though I knew that he lied to everyone I thought that surely he would never lie to me...I'm family and you don't lie to family. You don't betray family like that! You don't do to people what Jon did to me!

I'm Still Recovering from the Shame

     I caught myself thinking about court today; which usually starts to happen the closer it gets to August. The end of August is when my case went to court, and every year since then I think about court the closer it gets to August. This August marks one year since Jon was released from prison. I was thinking about when the jury came back with a verdict. All 12 jurors had to agree on his guilt in order to be able to find him guilty. Praise God! that they were able to see what the truth was, and that is that Jon is guilty of sexually abusing me. I was in shock...court was finally going to be over, and most importantly God had answered my prayers for the truth to be seen in court, and for a guilty verdict. The guilty verdict requires that Jon has to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. This gives me some comfort knowing that I have done all that I can to protect others from him. I remember looking at the jury as the verdict was read. Just remembering it brings tears to my eyes. May God bless those jurors.


     Sometimes I wonder why I carry around someone else's shame. What was done to me was not my fault, and I shouldn't be ashamed of something that someone else did. Jon is the one who should be carrying the shame of what he did...NOT ME!!! I have come a long way from when I first started dealing with all that was done. I used to feel the slime and grime of his body still on mine. The thought still makes me cringe. I don't like to dwell on that thought because the feeling of him on me usually isn't far behind. But at lest it's a feeling that rarely comes along these days.

     So, then why do I still feel like if people knew about it that they wouldn't want to be around me? Like I'm a leaper in hiding; afraid of being found out. I'm not shy about being a survivor of sexual abuse, but at the same time when I meet people the first words out of my mouth are NOT that I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. This shame continues to reek havoc on my mind. Making me feel like people really don't want to be around me, and could care less if they knew me...that I'm just a nuisance to them. These thoughts have got to be from the pit of hell (and Lord help me to remember that!). The devil who is the enemy of our soul would love for nothing more than for shame to keep me silent. Sexual Abuse is a topic that no one wants to talk about. People would rather put their heads in the sand and pretend that it doesn't exist. And heaven help you if you want to shine light onto the darkness that exists in any form of abuse. I'm so tired of feeling like I have to be SILENT as if my life depended on it. I want my VOICE to be HEARD, and not just heard but UNDERSTOOD.

My Story

Here is a little bit about my story. I was about 15 when it started and it lasted for about a year and a half to two years. My abuser was my step-dad, Jon, he is extremely manipulative and very good at mind games. He took my young impressionable mind and my trustworthiness, and brainwashed me into believing some outrageous things. Part of which was that an ex-step-mom of mine, who worked on projects that she wasn't allowed to talk about, had enrolled me into a government program. I was young and I didn't think that he wouldn't lie to me in the way that he was, and for the most part I took his word for it. I knew that he was a liar because I saw him lie to everyone around him, but I never thought that he would lie to me in the way that he did...I was family and YOU DON'T LIE TO FAMILY! Through counseling I have come to understand that what was happening to me was too much for me to handle; so believing the lie was easier than facing the truth about what was really going on.

During this time my mom was suicidal, and Jon had told me that the government was messing with her medication and that as long as I did what I was told that when they were done they would leave her alone and stop messing with her medicine. Jon also told me that the government would be watching me for the rest of my life, and that the house was bugged. That if I ever told anyone about the "program" that the government would kill members of my family and make it look like an accident, and that they would even frame me for murder. I also faced being abducted if I refused to do what I was told right at that moment. I became increasingly afraid of the dark, and was having a very hard time sleeping. For about a year I slept with a light on in my room. As you can imagine life was difficult to say the least. Not only did I have to deal with what Jon was doing, but everyone expected me to be able to bring my mom out of her depression. I was told that if I did this or that, that it could help bring her out of her depression; and so I tried to no avail. I was the family councilor, and confidant to both Jon and my mom. I was a CHILD with ADULT responsibilities.

On December 26, 2002 I went to the police station to file charges against Jon. My case didn't make it to court until August 2007. So, five years and five Assistant District Attorneys later my case made it to court. When people say that going to court is like being victimized all over again they aren't kidding. Going to court has been one of the most difficult things that I have ever done, and I would do it all over again in a heart beat if it meant that even just one person would be spared from having to go through what I have been through. Jon was charged with two counts of sexual assault of a child. It took the jury 14 hours to come back with a verdict. On the first count Jon got two years prison time, and on the second count he got ten years probation which he just started in January 2010. Jon has never admitted to what he has done. Jon filed for an appeal two times which is the maximum that he could file for. It took two years and four months for those appeals to work their way through the system. Both times the guilty verdicts were kept in place, and Jon was NOT granted a new trial.


If the things that I share about my healing journey apply to no one else in this world it applies to me. This is about my healing journey and the things that I'm learning along the way.