April...Sexual Assault Awareness Month

     April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Here are some statistics from RAINN's website:

• 44% of victims are under the age of 18
• 80% of victims are under the age of 30
• Every 2 minutes some in the U.S. is sexually assaulted
• There are approximately 207,754 victims of sexual assault each year
• 54% of sexual assaults are not reported and 97% of rapist never spend a day in jail
• About 2/3 of assaults are committed by someone known to the victim
• 38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance of the victim
• For more statistics, information and to find resources for help go to RAINN's website at rainn.org

     I would like to talk about those last two statistics for just a moment. These two statistics point out that a good portion of victims know their attacker or abuser. Yet, when talking to our children we tend to stress the importance of stranger danger. Don't get me wrong, it is vitally important to teach stranger danger to our children. So then, we are taught from a young age that harm at the hands of a stranger is to almost be expected somehow. However, harm at the hands of someone we know tends to be either over looked or not stressed as much as stranger danger...and yet it is just as important as stranger danger.

     Our children need to know that they are safe, and can trust those around them. This too is vitally important to our children. They also need to know they do not have to comply with requests or even demands by people (and yes those who they know...even authority figures in their lives) who are asking them to do things they just aren't comfortable with or doesn't seem right to them (I'm not talking about requests like cleaning their rooms or picking up trash). They need to know it's ok to ask questions about why they are being asked to do something. They need to know that it's ok to go tell other adults, and to seek clarification on things before doing what is being asked of them. They need to know they have boundaries that others do not have permission to cross, and when not sure to ask...ask another adult about it. They need to know that just because someone they know, trust, love and is an authority figure in their life does not mean they do not have a right to ask questions and to not do things they are uncomfortable with.

     To be clear, I'm not talking about the right of a child to be rude or nasty when asked to do something. Being disrespectful is not alright. Even when a person's actions are such that respect is hard to show; we must learn to look past the person to the authority of the position the person holds, and to give respect to the position. There are many respectful responses we can teach our children. Such as: no Sir/Ma'am; no, I'm not comfortable with that; I would like to have someone else also explain that to me; and even just a simple use of tone when saying "No". However, if the child feels they are in immediate danger they need to know it's ok to scream for help or to scream NO. We need to teach our children how to excuse themselves from situations they are not comfortable with. Our children must know that they can not only respectfully decline to do something they are uncomfortable with, but that they should also immediately tell an adult who they trust, to receive clarity on the situation. Our children need to have the confidence and sense of security that will allow them to open up to an adult when someone tells them something that may sound right, in a funky kind of way, but doesn't seem quite right somehow, and they just aren't sure.

     So yes, by all means I beg you to teach stranger danger to your children, but I also beg you to teach your children it's ok to speak up when it's someone they know such as: (and it pains me to have to say this) a parent, step-parent, sibling, aunt, uncle, cousin, relative of any kind, family friend, friend of the child, a teacher, a daycare worker and anyone the child may feel close to...that it's ok to speak up no matter who the person is. Really that's the key isn't it...for a child to know that it's ok to speak up no matter who the person is...stranger or not. That even when they are gown and, God forbid, something horrible were to happen that they will have the strength to speak up.

Need You Now by Plumb

     I must say that I'm really loving this song right now. I can defiantly relate to that feeling of calling out to God in complete desperation. This song reminds me of all the times I cried out to God like this; how time and time again He showed Himself faithful in answering me. I'm truly grateful for all that God seen me through, and how He continues to see me through things.

Brownsville Revival - Charity James "Mercy Seat"

    
     Oh, wow! How this song speaks to me right now. "I'm running, I'm running, I'm running to the mercy seat. Where Jesus is calling. His grace will be a covering. His blood will flow freely. It will provide my healing. I'm running to the mercy seat. You said I could come into your presence with out fear. Into the Holy Place where your mercy hovers near"!!! I love how people are flocking to the alter in this video. It reminds me of the times I've gone running to the mercy seat like that. It doesn't matter if I'm running to the mercy seat because of my own sins or because of the sins committed against me. It's still the same healing power that meets me.

     I for a long time felt like what had happened to me was somehow a sin that I had committed because of the burden of shame that I felt. I noticed that for as long as I felt the shame I also carried around a sense of condemnation of a sin I did not commit as though it were my sin. As though I just couldn't repent of it enough. Time and again I would run to the mercy seat as though I was looking for forgiveness when it was healing that I needed. Each time I brought my brokenness before the Lord, He would provide my healing bit by bit. Piece by piece God would reveal to me the healing that needed to take place, and God would prepare me for it. While I have come such a long way from where I once was; I'm still healing, and God is still preparing me for my healing that is yet to come, but I know that I know that I know...it's on it's way!!

     I would just like to encourage anyone who feels the burden of shame. Especially for the shame of a sin they did not commit but was committed against them. To run to the mercy seat; take your brokenness to God, and watch Him provide the healing. Every time I felt like I was at my lowest; I would go before God. I would be totally honest with God about my brokenness, and God never failed to provide my healing. No, it wasn't always easy. In fact most of the time it was a battle won by not giving up no matter how hard I had to fight to hold onto the promise of my healing. I know God has promised me my healing, and at times that's all I had to hold onto. The promise is enough to get me through to the other side because I know that with that promise comes All of God's resources...all of His power and authority. Because of my promise I could step out, even if I was being carried by Jesus, into what I felt I needed to do to walk into my healing. Only with God as my strength could I face the horrors of my past, and walk away healed.

     I'm running, I'm running, I'm running to the mercy seat. Where Jesus is calling. His grace will be a covering. His blood will flow freely. It will provide my healing. I'M RUNNING TO THE MERCY SEAT!!

My Fear Is…

    After my last post, "Where It Started", I sat down and made a list of my fears which have to do with letting go of the need to want to control how my mom views and deals with her life. I'm going to share that list with all of you. Along with quotes from Joel Osteen's new book Every Day A Friday. I have found these quotes to be very helpful to me, and I find they fit rather well with dealing with my fears. Every Day A Friday is a great book, and the whole book is full of great advice…not just the little bit that I'm sharing here.

• If my mom dies and goes to hell I'm afraid of being the one standing in front of God being held responsible / accountable for her ending up in hell. All my life I've been the one who's been responsible for her…for "fixing" her. If she goes to hell then it means I didn't do my "job" right…I've failed yet again, and worse yet…this time I've failed God, and it's for all eternity. I need to realize that I am not responsible for her soul…she is. 

1. Pg. 181 –Instead of being holier than thou and judging people, our attitudes should be But for the grace of God, that could be me.
   
2. Pg. 180 –All of us have strengths, and we all have weaknesses. We are strong in certain areas not because we're great and we just decided to be strong, but because of the grace of God in our lives.
   
3. Pg. 183 –This doesn't mean you are excusing the person's behavior. What they are doing may be wrong. It may be their fault. They may have brought the trouble on themselves. But I've learned I'm not the judge. God is the Judge. I'm not here to straighten everybody out. I'm here to help bring healing. (*NOTE TO SELF* This means her life is not my responsibility. It is not my responsibility to "fix" her, but to give encouragement when needed.) 

• She hasn't shown me she can make good choices on her own…therefore, I need to continue to try to "fix" her and control how she deals with life. How arrogant of me to think it's my place to judge such a thing. It's her life to run and I have no right to try to run it for her. She does not have to prove anything to me to be able to run her own life. She doesn't owe me anything! She doesn't owe it to me to become a healthy person…to become what I would like for her to be. She doesn't owe it to me to be anything other than who she is right now at this moment. It will be a great thing for her to become a healthy person, but she doesn't owe it to me. 

1. Pg. 172 – Everyone has faults and habits that can get on your nerves. The key is to recognize what you are magnifying. You are magnifying the wrong thing when you let the critical spirit take over.
   
2. Pg. 171 -You can train yourself to see people's strengths or you can train yourself to see their weaknesses. 

• If I can't "fix" her, then how am I to fulfill what God's called me to do. Hey here's a thought: God didn't call me to "fix" people, but to show people that God cares about them, and wants to help them heal. 

1. Pg. 183 -Our job is to pour the healing oil on the wounds. Our job is to lift the fallen, to be a friend to the lonely, to encourage the discouraged. When you take this merciful approach, instead of giving them what they deserve, you start the healing process. You say, "I understand. They're not having a good day. I understand they're under a lot of stress. I understand life is not treating them fairly."
   
2. Pg. 186 –If you will just see them through eyes of love, you could be one of those to help them come up higher and still fulfill their God-given destinies. 

• I've become critical and bitter because I hold resentment over her being able to seem "normal" with other people but not with me. I've allowed myself to develop a tainted view of her. When it comes to dealing with her I am becoming all the things that I so strongly dislike about her…what you say about others can come back at you & you become what you dislike. 

1. Pg. 172 -Here's what I've learned: A critical spirit follows you everywhere you go. You can't get away from it.
   
2. Pg. 173 –A critical spirit taints everything. What's the solution? Number one, recognize when your window is dirty. Number two, just as you've developed a habit of seeing the worst, retrain yourself to see the good.
    
3. Pg. 172 – Everyone has faults and habits that can get on your nerves. The key is to recognize what you are magnifying. You are magnifying the wrong thing when you let the critical spirit take over.
    
4. Pg. 177 –Matthew 7:1 tells us to not pick on people, jump on their failures, and criticize their faults, unless of course, we want the same treatment. A critical spirit has a way of boomeranging back to us.
    
5. Pg. 185 –Most of the time we don't know all the facts about the people we judge and criticize. Even if they are in the wrong, God did not put us here to condemn them. They need our mercy, our forgiveness, and our understanding to get back on the right track. Being hard and critical doesn't bring healing. We aren't lifting people up. We just push them further down. 

• She is selfish and toxic from her unhealed hurts from her life, but it doesn't give me the right to judge her and to try to control her life. I am not responsible for her!!! (I need to say that again!) I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER!! She is a hurt person who doesn't know how to NOT hurt ME!! 

1. Pg. 146 –When you hold on to a hurt, you never let it heal. It's like a bruise that won't go away…If your hurt isn't allowed to heal, the smallest bump will cause you to be defensive. You can't develop healthy relationships while your emotional bruises remain unhealed.
   
2. Pg. 147 –Unfair things happen to all of us. If you want to see that bruise go away and walk into the freedom God has in store for you, you have to forgive the wrongs. You have to let go of what somebody did and move forward with your life. 

• If I let go of control she will only hurt me more. She is a hurt person who does not know how to NOT hurt me. Trying to control her won't change that. 

1. Pg. 150 –Take a merciful approach and say, "God, I know what they did was wrong. They hurt me and it was not fair, but God, I'm not looking for revenge. I ask you, God, to heal them and give them what they need."
   
2. Pg. 150 -When you can pray for your enemies and even bless those who do you wrong, as the Scripture says, God will settle your accounts (Matthew 5:44; 18:21-35). 

• I'm afraid to have feelings towards her because I'm afraid of the hurt she causes me. News, flash…I still feel the hurt; so that's not working. Controlling her won't make it stop!! Building up walls won't make it stop either.  

1. Pg. 154 –You have to forgive so that you can be free to live each day with happiness in your heart. If you will let go of the hurts and pains and get on God's payroll, God will settle your case. He will make your wrongs right. He will bring justice into your life. You will get what you deserve, God will pay you back double the joy, double the peace, double the favor and double the victory.
   
2. Pg. 147 -Put your foot down and say, "My destiny is too great, my future is too bright, and my God is too big to let an old hurt cause me to be sour and bitter and stuck where I am. No, I'll shake it off and press forward into the bright future God has in store for me."
   

Page Updated

I have updated the page "Books I've Read". This new book, Every Day A Friday by Joel Osteen, was another great read. I hope you will check it out.

Where It Started

     As I lay in bed praying asking God to help me to let go of the need to control how my mom deals with life I found myself thinking about where it started. Wanting to control how she views life, how she heals, how she reacts to life and the challenges that face her. Wanting to control how and when she forgives and lets go of her anger, and all other things that in my view are poisoning her life; is all part of trying to “fix” her…a “job” that has been mine since I was little.

Leah, if you say this or do this for your mom you could cheer her up and help snap her out of her depression. When I would tell other family members about my mom’s depression and about her being suicidal, instead of telling me to not worry that they would deal with it; I was told what to do to try to snap her out of it and make her happy again. This by the way NEVER worked. I was left with the impression that I could “fix” her, and not only could I “fix” her but that it was my job to do so. A “job” for which no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get it right. Here I am all these years later, in my early 30’s, and I still can’t get it right.

Leah, if I wasn’t worried about what would happen to you I would run away, or sometimes it was…I would kill myself. I also was her confidant…personal councilor. Marriage problems, problems with her family, problems at work…I got to hear it all. There were many times when she was crying hysterically and would want to drive off. How was I supposed to react, knowing she was suicidal and talked about wishing she could drive off a bridge; how she wanted to run away so bad. I would hide her car keys, and even at times stood in front of her car to keep her from driving off.

After I told my mom what Jon had done, my Grandparents would call me to talk my mom down. They would say that I was the only person she would listen to. I could hear her in the background crying and saying she couldn’t talk to me…that she couldn’t face me. They would have to coax her onto the phone with me. This was codependency working its charm. My mom’s family is very codependent, and this is where it all started. Being taught that I was responsible for another’s wellbeing and happiness gave me the sense that I could control it somehow. So, here I am…still trying to control the uncontrollable. I will say I have come a long way from where I was. I’m starting to understand I need to make a choice to not let it bother me whether I understand why I let what she does bother me so much or not.

Every time I allow her to upset me I am giving her power over me, and only I can change it. I have to make a choice…to get upset or not…to give her power over my emotions or not. She knows how to push my buttons, and sometimes I think she pushes them on purpose. She has so much rage and anger not only at Jon, but at herself for not protecting me. I feel at times she pushes my buttons as a way to punish herself…a way to keep playing the victim role. She feels so strongly about her views on how she thinks I view her or feel about her that at times it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. She accuses me of thinking of her as less than human, and views all my actions through her skewed perspective. Even though I have been and continue to get angry with her, I always go out of my way to be as kind to her as I can at any given moment. My anger at times gets the best of me; so, I am by no means perfect at it, but I try my best. I do not think of her as less than human. I do, however, see her as a very toxic person in my life. She likes to talk to me about how she is doing in therapy in an effort to try to show me she is healing, but when she does something and I draw boundary lines; she goes on the attack towards me accusing me of not giving her any breaks…she puts on the victim role. By refusing to move on and to let go...to heal, she has become her own victim. She victimizes herself with her won toxic thoughts and behaviors.

In Joel Osteen’s book, Every Day A Friday, he says we should never pray and ask God to change others without first praying and asking God to change us first. So, I will ask God to help me; to change me; to show me my fears, and to help me conquer them. I know in my past blogs I have said, whenever we can’t let go of something or face something there is a fear there holding us back. That’s what I have to ask myself, and what I have to face. So, I ask myself, what is my fear? My fear is…

Untreated Cancer

    I think...No, I'm positive that I've had a break through thought which will dramatically change the way in which I am able to handle dealing with my mom. Now, all I've got to do is get that information from my head down to and into my heart. Before I get into that I want to hold myself accountable by admitting that I am still struggling with dealing with her.

     Ok, now onto our topic.

     As I have stated many times in my posts that anger, hatred, rage, unforgiveness, bitterness...etc. are all poisons in our lives. As they poison our lives they affect the way we relate to and deal with people. They affect our relationships with others. I would even go so far as to say the poison of all those things for which my mom is holding onto is poisoning our relationship, and making it increasingly more difficult for me to deal with her as I see it poisoning her life more and more. It's like a cancer that has gone untreated. Just as cancer in the natural realm can bring forth death, cancer in the spiritual realm brings forth the death of joy, happiness, peace, mercy, forgiveness, self-esteem, the ability to love others properly, and more in your life. I see these things not only dying but dead in her life. I see her trying to mask it over, but it doesn't work with me...I see past it. I'm torn up on the inside knowing that she is going through this. I'm angry over the fact that I've told her time and time again how to purge this from her life, but she refuses to take the steps required. She refuses to take up forgiveness; the only cure. She knows she is rotting in her own unforgiveness, and doesn't care. She thinks she deserves it; which pains me deeply.

     I can see now, that I have let my anger towards her develop into this type of spiritual cancer which is affecting our relationship from both ends. I get so angry at her because I feel like she should know better than to be the way she is. I get frustrated because I try so hard to change that in her, and can't. I get impatient waiting for her to change. I struggle with accepting her for who she is, and the way in which she deals with things. At the core of it all, this boils down to not trusting God to deal with her. I guess I think I can do it better and faster than an all mighty, all powerful, all knowing, God of all wisdom God. That's pretty foolish!! I have to learn to let go, and let God deal with her in his own way and on his own terms. This is where that life changing, life altering (for me in my life) revelation comes into play. Here it is...she has a spiritual cancer and is CHOOSING not to treat it. Now if I can come to terms with that and be at peace with it; her actions and behaviors won't affect me in the way that they do. She won't be able to push my buttons, and trigger me into anger towards her. This is my cure...to let go...to let go of the desire to control her and how she copes with her life. I have already forgiven her for those things which are in the past, but it's the day to day type of things that come up where I struggle with my anger towards her.

     I do not wish for this post to be insensitive towards anyone who has or is facing cancer. My dad is a cancer survivor, and my mother-in-law is currently facing cancer. It is from seeing how my mother-in-law is choosing to deal with her cancer that I have come to the realization about my mom. Before we found out that there is nothing the doctors can do for my mother-in-law, she was saying she did not want to do surgery or chemo. She has had many surgeries in her life. I believe she didn't want to do any more surgeries because she is tired of them, and because I think she was afraid of not making it out of surgery. When she finally decided to give chemo a try, we found out it was not an option that she could do. Her fear and hesitation with chemo was...she was afraid she didn't have the strength to make it through chemo. Keep in mind we only found out about her cancer about 3 months ago after she had surgery to have her gall bladder removed. Which at the time she also was sick with pneumonia. We have since found out that surgery will only give her a 23% chance of living an extra 2 months.


     It has gotten to the point where I cannot talk to my mom about my mother-in-law's cancer without getting into an argument about it. These conversations I'm about to write about took place before we found out just how bad her cancer is. My mom believes that because she was unwilling to do surgery or chemo that my mother-in-law had a death wish that she just couldn't understand. Every time she would say that I would try to explain to her my mother-in-law does not have a death wish, but it would only end up in us arguing about it. All I could hear was anger and rage in her voice. I don't know what went on when my dad was facing cancer, but I think she is viewing my mother-in-law's cancer through her view of what went on during my dad's cancer. It was after one such argument, where my mom said something for which I consider to be extreamly insensitive and wrong for her to say, that I came to the realization that my mom's anger, unforgiveness, and other negative emotions that she keeps bottled up inside her were like a spiritual cancer in her, and she was choosing not to treat it. So, now we have come full circle on how this post came about. I know it may take time for this knowledge to travel from my head to my heart, but I truly believe this will help me to deal with my mom better.

     I also, have to consider that just because she is choosing not to treat her spiritual cancer it does not mean that she wants to be the way that she is...wow!, that is hard for me to see and understand when it comes to my mom. She has been this way for so long that I feel if she wanted to change it she would have already. The way I see it, she is only willing to work on becoming healthy until it gets really uncomfortable and then she fakes like she's trying to face it all and get better; but doesn't truly face the hard things that she needs to face. Again, this is a big point of frustration for me, and why it's hard for me to see that she doesn't want to be this way. Another reason why it's hard for me to see this is because in my own healing journey I didn't care about how uncomfortable dealing with something was. I knew I had to face things to heal, and was willing to do that no matter how uncomfortable it was. If you're going to be serious about healing you have to be willing to truly face and deal with the uncomfortable and extremely uncomfortable. I just don't see her doing that.

     However, if I'm going to be able to heal and move forward I have to push myself to accept my mom the way she is, and to not allow her to push my buttons. She is who she is, and I shouldn't allow her actions that upset me to suprise me, and upset me. It's not worth stressing over. Like I said earlier, I just have to get this knowledge from my head to my heart, and it will be life altering in the way I am able to interact with her.

An Opportunity For Forgiveness

     I would like share with everyone something that happened the week leading up to Easter. As I have said before, forgiveness is a choice we make, and I recently had an encounter with my mom which gave me the opportunity to live out all I have been saying in the last several postings. I'm going to say right now that I did not respond to her in the best of ways...to say the least.

     I was at church and missed Two calls from my mom. So, when I got back home I called her back. At first the conversation was going good, and then I sensed a change in her voice and could tell she was getting nervous about something. Then she said a series of statements that felt like a sucker punch. She asked me if I even cared if she lived in the same state as me. If I cared to have any kind of interaction with her, and if I even loved her at all. I really didn't want to answer her questions because I knew no matter how I were to answer them, if I were to be honest with her, it would only cause her more heart ache. So, I made the only statement that I could honestly make, for better or for worse she was my mom and I would always love her. She quickly discounted that, and basically said it didn't count. She then wanted to know if I had just resigned her off as my mom and nothing more...Someone to just put up with. Again, I knew answering those questions would only cause more heartache for her which I didn't want to cause. I also see those issues as MY ISSUES; for which I am responsible for dealing with, and working on improving on my own with no need to drag her into it.

     By now she had really hit some sensitive buttons of mine. She attempted to trigger me, and boy, oh boy did I ever jump in head first. I completely went off on her. I went into my bed room and locked the door. Where our conversation grew louder and louder till I found myself flat out screaming at her...and I do mean screaming. I said something along the lines that she was asking me to prove my love to her. For which she replied that she wasn't. I restated that in fact she had just asked me to prove my love to her by saying that me loving her because she is my mom didn't count. She wanted to know if I loved her because she could tell I've been angry at her over the past few years, and I don't get excited to see her. So, by now, I now have the attitude of...if you really want me to say it then FINE I'LL SAY IT!! I said to her, " What you want me to admit that I've been angry! Fine! I've been angry! I've been very angry, and I've also worked very hard at not being angry any more". The next thing I know I'm screaming at her several times, " If you can't accept the way I love you then that is your problem and not mine"! I also told her that her problem was she couldn't accept that I can forgive and move on. Something for which I again pointed out was her problem and not mine. I told her, I had forgiven her and was moving on from it. That just because I had forgiven her didn't mean that I have learned how to interact with her any better or that I was going to get it right all the time. There were many, many thing said that night. Naturally, I'm my view I did not say anything to her that wasn't true or didn't fit her. She even agreed with the things I was saying. HOWEVER!! I don't think it was right for me to have said a lot of what I said. It's not always right for us to say things to people; even when what we have to say is right. It wasn't my place; it wasn't my job to say those things. A lot of what I said to her are things that God has to work with her on. I can't change her. Only God can change her; only God can change me. Needless to say, it was very wrong of me to raise my voice and to scream at her in the way that I did.

    That night, for the first time in a while, I prayed "My Declaration", a prayer of forgiveness and healing towards her. I prayed it again in the morning. I knew I had to immediately forgive and let go of the situation that had just happened between us. The next day I talked with one of my Aunts about what had happened, and she told me to call my mom, to apologize for yelling, and to say to her "lets just start fresh from here". My flesh wanted to rise up, and say that she deserved for me to go off on her, I was right in everything I said, and I didn't want to call her. But I knew my Aunt, who is such a Godly woman, was speaking truth to me, and giving me right instruction. So, I did just that. I called my mom, asked her to forgive me for yelling at her, and asked if we could start fresh. My mom likewise, asked me to forgive her. I was so glad that I could sincerely and honestly tell her, I had already forgiven her. I had already prayed and laid it all down before God. Denying any root of bitterness from taking hold, and therefore denying any fruit of unforgiveness from coming forward. The root of bitterness comes forth and bears the fruit of unforgiveness. Which is why it's so important to keep bitterness from taking hold in us. I'm glad my mom and I have been able to forgive, and to move forward with our relationship.

New Link "MaleSurvivor"

     Today on Facebook Nicole Braddock Bromley, from OneVoice Enterprises, posted a link to an organization that seeks to help male survivors of sexual abuse of all ages. I took a quick look on their website, and would like to share it here on my blog. I have also placed a link to them on my Resource page. The organization is called MaleSurvivor. They have resources, links to help you find a therapist, and discussion boards to help survivors connect so they know they are not alone. They seek to help survivors to heal.

Forgiving The Seemingly Unforgivable

1.) Unforgiveness And Scorning
2.) My Declaration
3.) Some Of My Thoughts On Forgiveness
4.) Standing In The Gap


     I've been writing a lot lately about how I've been working on letting go of the anger and hurt I have towards my mom. I have those posts listed above in the order in which I posted them. If you haven't read them, I would like to suggest you take the time to read them because it will help you to better understand what it is that I will be saying in this posting. It will set the foundation for what you are about to read.

     In this posting I am going to be talking about the very delicate topic of forgiveness towards my abuser, and how that has played out in my life. It's one thing to talk about forgiveness towards someone who has hurt us deeply, which is difficult enough, but it's completely different when talking about someone who has done the unthinkable...the seemingly unforgivable. I know for many people using forgiveness in the same sentence as abuser/rapist/killer/_________ is tantamount to survivor heresy. I have decided to write about this because I feel it is just as vitally important as my struggle to let go of my anger towards my mom. I ask that you keep in mind that this is about MY LIFE, MY journey of healing, and about what I'VE learned along the way.

     I would like to start off by talking about forgiveness some more. I really feel like there are so many misconceptions that are deeply rooted in the way we as a society view forgiveness. In my view one of the biggest misconceptions is thinking forgiveness means that your're making what was said or done ok or even deserved by forgiving. That is not the case at all! It took me, personally, a long time to realize that. I did everything I felt I needed to do to forgive my ex-step-dad, and felt that I had. In many ways I had done a lot of forgiving towards him, healing, and moving on with my life. The problem was every time I felt I was about to be fully free from my past I would hit a wall that I couldn't get past and I didn't know why. There was a remnant that I just couldn't let go of no matter how hard I tried. Believe me when I say this caused problems in my life. My husband could see that I was ready to move on...that I was on the very verge of it, and, yet, there I stood. He saw me hit that wall time and time again...for years. Falling and picking myself back up. He grew frustrated with what he saw as not a lack of ability but a lack of willingness. He knew I was more than able and couldn't understand why I didn't move on because he knew that it was time for me to move on. I knew it was time for me to move on. And yet there I stood face to face with my wall. Unable to move it let alone tear it down. From my stand point it wasn't a matter of willingness, but of ability. I wanted so badly to let it all go, and to be able to be completely free from it all. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried to let go, the more it seemed to be glued to me. I didn't understand it, and didn't understand why I couldn't move beyond where I was at. I felt isolated, and alone. I no longer felt like I could share with my husband what I was going through...he was too overwhelmed by it. At this point my husband and I had been married about 8/9 years (we will be married 11 years this year). He's seen me struggle and fight this for our whole marriage. He's seen me at my lowest points and how it has changed me. I'm not the only one dealing with the affects of my abuse; he's dealing with it too in his own way. I believe that because of his love for me, seeing me go through all that I've been through, has been difficult and painful for him. My husband wants to see me healed and set free from it all, and it pains him to see me struggle with it. During this time I learned what it meant for my healing journey to be just between me and God. To fully rely on God for my healing. I couldn't look to my husband for my healing...it's beyond what he's capable of, unfair to him, and frankly not his responsibility. My healing is my responsibility and mine alone. God alone is the only place for me to rely on for my healing. Yes, my counselor, group counseling, and church all played an important role in my healing, but they are AVENUES that God used to bring about my healing, and I thank God for it all.

     Then one day I had a breakthrough. I Examined myself, and asked "what was I afraid of". I was somewhat shocked at the answers I gave myself because I didn't realize I felt the way that I did. I found I was scared. I was scared to fully let go because I was afraid that if I wasn't screaming from the mountain tops what Jon, my abuser, had done was wrong then who would; if no one is standing up saying it was wrong does that suddenly make what he did ok, and even deserved. These were my fears. I had to realize that wrong will ALWAYS be wrong whether I stand on the mountain tops or not. I also had to realize no matter what, I did not deserve for him to do all the things that he did. That it will NEVER be my fault or deserved. Once that settled in my heart, I no longer felt I had to stand and scream from the mountain tops. I could let it ALL go, be at peace, finally be healed, and move forward with my life. I finally felt FREE!!! There is such a difference between the abuse being something that was a part of my life, verses a part of my life that was RULING over me. It no longer rules over me, but I rule over it. My past is just that...my past, and what a freedom it is! When dealing with the anger I had towards my mom, I had to ask myself that same question. So, to you I ask, "What are you afraid of" when it comes to letting go of the remnant that you are holding onto...from the seemingly small things in your life to the seemingly unforgivable?

     One of the hardest aspects of forgiveness is simply being willing to forgive. Being so angry and hurt you don't even want to forgive. Holding onto self justification of anger, hurt, rage, hatred. Forgiveness is not even about whether or not we are justified in the way we feel because chances are we are more than justified. Forgiveness is about releasing the poison of unforgiveness that is within us. Releasing ourselves from our own anger, hurt, rage, hatred, and more. I've been in that place where I was so angry that I didn't want to forgive. So, for me, forgiveness was about acknowledging that unforgiveness was not part of God's plan for me and my life. I would go to God in prayer; acknowledge my feels, and ask God to help me get rid of them. I also acknowledged to God that I knew unforgiveness was not part of his plan for me, and I would ask him to help me not just to forgive but to be willing to forgive. I would go to God time and time again asking him to help me forgive Jon. In the beginning it didn't seem like any forgiveness was going on, but over time I could tell that bit by bit I was forgiving Jon. Now, forgiveness does not necessarily mean the feelings of hurt and anger won't come back from time to time when someone has done the seemingly unforgivable...memories can be painful and carry the hurt right along with them. When those feelings creep back in I find myself before God asking him to help me forgive. Forgiveness does not mean that we deny our feelings, but, rather, that we experience them without dwelling and wallowing in them. Once we acknowledge our emotions and feelings, forgiveness says "I choose to release those feelings, to not allow it to poison my life, and to allow God to take care of it all". Forgiveness is a process, and I'm glad to say that I have allowed myself to go through that process. It doesn't always happen over night, but it does happen over time.

     In my last posting "Standing In The Gap" I talked about praying for those who have wronged or hurt us. I can say that in my journey to forgive Jon I have even prayed for him. It wasn't the kind of prayer where I spoke out of anger asking God to strike him dead on the spot. Instead I acknowledged God as the only one who can change Jon, and can take the evil out of his heart. God is the only one who can change Jon, and turn him into someone who is not a threat to others (in my opinion). Now, I am in no way implying that Jon should ever be trusted around kids (especially teenagers). I know that God can absolutely change the kind of person Jon is. I also know that for me personally it would be hard for me to be able to trust Jon that the changes came from God, and not Jon trying to come off as someone who he isn't. I'm just being completely honest here. I've watched Jon too many times tricking people into thinking he's someone other than who he really is, and I'm not willing to take any bets on if a change in him is true or not. Just because I can't trust any changes in Jon doesn't mean that I can't acknowledge there is a great and mighty God who can change him. While I was praying for God to help me forgive Jon; I was also praying for God to change Jon...that Jon may NEVER hurt anyone like he hurt me again.

     I had to see how my anger was affecting my life. How holding onto my anger made it easy for me to be angry at others...even my own kids. When I have anger built up on the inside it doesn't take much to push that button, and cause me to be on edge / cranky (to put it nicely) towards others. I especially had to see this when it came to letting go of the anger I had towards my mom. Forgiveness is a choice we make for ourselves because in the long run we are the ones who benefit the most from it. I know a lot of people get hung up on saying the person isn't worthy of their forgiveness. Well, to be honest here, forgiveness really isn't about that either. Forgiveness isn't about whether they deserve it, are worthy of it, or even about us being justified in the way we feel. Forgiveness really is about us giving a gift to ourselves. I like a quote that Joyce Meyer said recently, "Peace was more valuable to me than my anger". That right there is pretty much what forgiveness boils down to...having peace verses having anger. Having peace was more important to me than holding onto the anger I had towards Jon. Not a day goes by that I'm not glad I chose peace over anger.

     What I would like for you to take away from all of this is, it is possible to forgive even when someone has done the seemingly unforgivable. That it is possible to live your life free from hurt and anger...you don't have to carry it for the rest of your life. The choice is yours to make, and only you can make that choice.

Standing In The Gap

     I'd like to talk about standing in the gap for others. Sometimes when we are dealing with someone who is unhealthy, who plays an important roll in our lives, whether we want to keep them in our lives or not, forgiveness just doesn't seem to be enough. Sometimes it feels like every time we have to deal with that person we are hurt. I know that I have felt that way about my mom. At times I would feel so discouraged because it seemed like when she was around others she can be "normal", but around me all I would get is her dysfunction. I felt like I was her emotional dumping ground. I think that in situations like this it's important to keep bitterness from getting a hold of us. Bitterness like unforgiveness is destructive in our lives because it affects the way we perceive people and treat them.

     I think some times in situations where we are constantly hurt by the same person(s), saying "I forgive" may not be enough to keep bitterness from taking root, and that we need to take it a step farther by praying for them. I know how hard that can be. I'll be the first to admit that my prayer life is lacking, and I find it difficult to set time aside to pray one on one with God. I do, however, talk to God as I go about my daily business. I believe in the power of prayer. As a Christian I've been taught that its good to pray for others; especially those who have hurt or wronged me. That in fact one of the best things that I can do for someone is to pray for them. Now, I can tell you that I know very little about standing in the gap and praying for others, but I do believe that it's the best way to keep bitterness and unforgiveness from taking root in our hearts. I'm not talking about just throwing up some prayer that says, "Oh, God! Help them!" or "Oh, God! You better get a hold of them!". I'm talking about some serious prayer on their behalf. Now standing in the gap isn't just for those who have hurt or wronged us; it is also for friends and family members who are going through a difficult time....for anyone.

Ephesians 6:12-18 (King James Version)

"¹² For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, ¹⁵ and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; ¹⁶ above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. ¹⁷ And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; ¹⁸ praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints—"

     As Ephesians 6:12 has pointed out...there can be a spiritual aspect or drive behind what people say and do. It is my belief that we sometimes have to address and deal with the spiritual aspect of that in prayer. To do spiritual warfare on their behalf. To go to God in prayer and ask that the assignments of the enemy be canceled; that he send his angels to do battle on their behalf. To declare victory in the name of Jesus. There is a very real enemy of our soul...the devil. The Bible says that he seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. Standing in the gap and praying for someone can feel like your taking back control. I know, for me at least, I felt like I was taking back control in a situation where I had previously felt a lack of control. When I started praying "My Declaration" (which I will re-post at the end) that is exactly how I felt. The situation with my mom felt out of control in many aspects. I cannot control her...what she says and does, and I sure didn't feel like I could control my feelings towards her. When I started praying for her...for God's restorative power in her life...I felt like I was taking back / gaining back control of my relationship with her. I also felt more in control of my feelings towards her. I felt a weight lifted off of me. I felt at peace. A peace that has stayed.

     I don't think standing in the gap in prayer for someone is all about asking God to change them. I think it's more about asking God to blesses them. To draw them closer to God. Praying the enemy doesn't succeed in their life. Asking God to help them overcome any issues or difficulties they may have in their lives. Especially the issues or difficulties they have which hinder you from having a good relationship with that person. I encourage you to stand in the gap for someone.

     Here is "My Declaration" (as posted before) as an example of how I've been standing in the gap for my mom. I have put the words in bold that I would like to draw your attention to as the parts that I feel are the areas where I was standing in the gap for her.

I speak to the Spiritual and Heavenly realms in the name of Jesus. I declare forgiveness be applied towards my mom and in my life. I free her of my anger, hurt, feelings of blame and of betrayal, and of my judgments. I ask you Father God to forgive me for my unforgiveness, judgments, and scoring. I ask that you release me from my judgments. I declare healing over both of our lives. I speak love, life, healing, happiness, and forgiveness over my mom’s life. I declare now in the name of Jesus that she is able to forgive just as she has been forgiven. That she is set free from her anxiety, fears, and traumas; that the power they hold over her life be broken. That her spiritual senses be reawakened so that she can hear you, Lord, calling her back to, you, her first love. That she will be able to feel worthy of your forgiveness, and be able to accept the forgiveness that you have paid such a high price for. That she starts to walk in the destiny that you have prepared for her. Again, I speak forgiveness and healing over my mom and myself. I choose to honor her for giving me life. I speak to my feelings of anger, hurt, blame, betrayal, and to my judgments. I thank you for helping me to protect myself, but I break agreement with you now in the name of Jesus. I will choose forgiveness because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I bless myself to receive the power of the Holy Spirit to govern my thoughts, words and actions. I declare that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the likeness of Jesus and that His love flows through me. I speak to my Spirit and I say receive all the blessing of Jesus that He has purposefully designed for you today. I speak to my body and I say receive health today and nourishment and be well and strong and receive every blessing that flows from the cross where Jesus died and paid for you. Finally, I speak to my heart and say You are loved by Jesus and accepted by Jesus so rejoice! I declare these things in Jesus name. Amen.

Some Of My Thoughts On Forgiveness

     Choosing to forgive is hard especially when you have been so deeply wounded by someone. There is a saying about unforgiveness that I like, "unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to be affected" (I don't know who the quote is by). There is also a saying from the Nickelodeon kids cartoon "Avator: The Last Airbener", that I like, Aang when talking about revenge says, "Revenge is like a two headed rat viper. While you watch your enemy go down your being poisoned yourself". When Zuko says that forgiveness is the same as doing nothing, Aang replies, "No it's not. It's easy to do nothing. It's hard to forgive". It takes real courage to forgive when you feel such hurt and pain.

     I think there are some preconceived notions about forgiveness that become a hindrance to many. Webster's New World College Dictionary (4th edition) states "forgive" as "(1.) to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; pardon (2.) to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for (an offense); over look (3.) to cancel or remit (a debt)". In most cases I think Webster's definition of forgive is pretty accurate for the most part, but when it comes to forgiving someone who has done the unthinkable I find it lacking. In the book Toxic Parents the author, Susan Forward, had this to say about forgiveness, "I came to realize that there are two facets to forgiveness: giving up the need for revenge, and absolving the guilty party of responsibility" (pg. 178). I think this is how most people look at forgiveness, and it posses a real stumbling block for them. How can a person absolve someone of responsibility when they have done the unthinkable? I don't have an answer for that. After all, I held my abuser responsible for his actions by taking him to court. We all are not an island unto ourselves. There are real consequences to all we say and do. I personally feel that you can forgive someone and still hold them accountable for their actions. I believe that it is a personal choice if someone chooses to show grace and mercy to someone who has wronged them by whether or not they choose to hold the person accountable. I also see nothing wrong in allowing a person to reap the natural consequences of their behavior. To me that does not show a lack of forgiveness unless it is done out of a sense of getting back at that person. Wrong will always be wrong, and forgiveness doesn't change that. Forgiveness in many cases is acknowledging that the one who wronged us is not perfect and has made mistakes. In other cases forgiveness is saying that you will not allow unforgiveness to poison your life, and it is something that you do for yourself and not for the one who wronged you.

     I'd like to share with you what forgiveness looks like to me:
           1.) Forgiveness MEANS: to let go of anger, hurt, judgments and the need for revenge. To place the situation in God's hands.
           2.) Forgiveness DOES NOT MEAN: (a.) that you have to forget, (b.) that you have to stay friends with that person, (c.) that you can't hold the person accountable or responsible for their actions because actions have consequences. (d.) it does not mean that what they did was ok
     To me if I have wronged someone I need to not only ask for their forgiveness, but I need to seek God's forgiveness as well because he is the only one who can truly absolve me of my guilty status, and so it is with those who have wronged me. I can forgive them. I can choose to show them grace and mercy (or choose to hold them accountable), but it is God who is their judge...not me. God is the only one who can fully absolve someone of the wrong they have done, and even then God may choose to allow the person to reap the consequences of their actions.

Galatians 6:7,8 (New Living Translation)

"Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit". 

     If God allows us (or the one who wronged us) to experience the consequences of our actions (or of their own actions) it does not mean that God did not grant us (or them) forgiveness. God is always faithful to forgive when we ask him to.

1 Jon 1:9 (King James Version) 

"If we confess our sins, he [God] is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness".

     I am not perfect. So for me, most of the time forgiveness is acknowledging that others are not perfect either, and allowing them to be human...mistakes and all. In other cases, like with my abuser, forgiveness is about not letting what he did to me poison my life.

    Most importantly I hope that this view of forgiveness is ok in the eyes of God. Secondly, I hope that it is able to help some of you to step out and to forgive. This may not be a perfect view of forgiveness, but it is one that has helped me tremendously. I have found freedom in forgiving others, and I hope you will too.

My Declaration

     I believe in the power of words. I believe that with my words I can either store up and bind unforgiveness or I can release forgiveness. I believe that people can either speak blessings or curses. I believe that with my words I can change how I feel about things.

Proverbs 18:21 (New Living Translation)

"The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences".

     I also believe that forgiveness is a choice. That I can choose to speak forgiveness towards my mother, and that over time the feeling of forgiveness towards her will come. I know that forgiveness isn't always instant. With Jon, my abuser, I had to forgive him daily for a long time, and there are still times when memories come to mind where I have to forgive him all over again. It can be an on going process, and so it will be with my mom. 

Deuteronomy 5:16 (New Living Translation)

"Honor your father and mother, as the LORD your God commanded you. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you".

     Deuteronomy 5:16 is the first commandment with a promise. To honor our parents that we may have a long life. As one of my Aunts recently said to me, "we aren't commanded to honor only good moms, but to honor our mom" (paraphrased). I don't have to honor her bad choices or bad behavior, but there are things about her that I can find to give her honor. For instance, I can choose to honor her for giving me life. It is because she gave me life that I am able to be a wife and mother, and am able to enjoy the life that I now have. I can honor her for always keeping a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my body, and a wide range of material things. I can choose to honor her in those ways with out condoning the areas for which I have been hurt. I will choose to honor her not only because I am commanded to so do, but because I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. Romans 13:7 talks about giving honor to where honor is due, and that is what I'll do...give honor in the areas where it is due.

Romans 13:7 (King James Version)

"Render therefore to all their dues: tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor".

     In my last post I said that I would share with all of you my plan for forgiving my mom. With some help from my Aunt I have written a declaration that I have printed out, and taped up on the wall in my closet. I plan on reading it daily if I have to. Before I share it with all of you I'd like to take a moment to talk about declarations. For me personally, I have decided to write a declaration of forgiveness, blessings, and healing. This is what I have chosen to do to walk out the forgiveness path that I have chosen. This is not something that I am pushing on anyone. I am simply sharing with all of you what this part of my healing walk looks like. I believe that declaring forgiveness, blessings, and healing can be powerful, and in its self healing for the person speaking it. I start off my declaration speaking to the Spiritual and Heavenly realms because I am choosing to stand on the authority given to me as a child of the Most High God.

 

My Declaration

I speak to the Spiritual and Heavenly realms in the name of Jesus. I declare forgiveness be applied towards my mom and in my life. I free her of my anger, hurt, feelings of blame and of betrayal, and of my judgments. I ask you Father God to forgive me for my unforgiveness, judgments, and scoring. I ask that you release me from my judgments. I declare healing over both of our lives. I speak love, life, healing, happiness, and forgiveness over my mom’s life. I declare now in the name of Jesus that she is able to forgive just as she has been forgiven. That she is set free from her anxiety, fears, and traumas; that the power they hold over her life be broken. That her spiritual senses be reawakened so that she can hear you, Lord, calling her back to, you, her first love. That she will be able to feel worthy of your forgiveness, and be able to accept the forgiveness that you have paid such a high price for. That she starts to walk in the destiny that you have prepared for her. Again, I speak forgiveness and healing over my mom and myself. I choose to honor her for giving me life. I speak to my feelings of anger, hurt, blame, betrayal, and to my judgments. I thank you for helping me to protect myself, but I break agreement with you now in the name of Jesus. I will choose forgiveness because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I bless myself to receive the power of the Holy Spirit to govern my thoughts, words and actions. I declare that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the likeness of Jesus and that His love flows through me. I speak to my Spirit and I say receive all the blessing of Jesus that He has purposefully designed for you today. I speak to my body and I say receive health today and nourishment and be well and strong and receive every blessing that flows from the cross where Jesus died and paid for you. Finally, I speak to my heart and say You are loved by Jesus and accepted by Jesus so rejoice! I declare these things in Jesus name. Amen.

Unforgiveness And Scorning

    I've been working through some things lately, and thanks to a conversation with my best friend I'm able to put some things into words. Sometimes just being able to put how you are feeling into words is half the battle. When I am able to put words to my feelings I then "feel" like I understand the reasons behind the emotions and feelings going on in my head. Once I have a better understanding of myself and why I feel the way that I do, I can then work on the issue. I'm a pretty analytical person...I like to know the who, where, why, and how of things.

     There are some things about my mom where I have been saying to myself, "It is what it is. Now onto the next thing". I thought I was working on acceptance towards her, however, the anger stayed. I've realized that even though I thought I was working on acceptance I wasn't dealing with all of the betrayal I have felt for so long. It's not just the betrayal either, but the judgement that goes with it. Thinking that she should have known better and should have made different decisions in many areas of MY LIFE, and forgetting that it was her life too. Judging her choices and decisions because they weren't what I think she should have done or should BE doing. Judging her for not being able to let go, forgive, and move forward when I have been unable to do the same concerning her. Then wallowing in my own self-justification of my anger and unforgiveness towards her. Allowing my anger to feed into more anger.

     Am I really justified in judging her the way that I do...no because I am not perfect. I do not make perfect choices, and how can I condemn her for something I find myself doing...harboring unforgiveness and not moving on.

Romans 2:3-5 (New Living Translation)

" ³ Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things? ⁴ Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? ⁵ But because you are stubborn and refuse to turn from your sin, you are storing up terrible punishment for yourself  ".

     What that verse is saying is, we will be judged in the same way in which we judge others, and that by holding onto those judgements we are storing up punishment for ourselves...ouch!! There is only one just judge and that is God. God has not put me here on this earth so that I may judge my mom (or anyone else). Am I allowed to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, and sad...yes, of course I am. I am allowed to have feelings and to feel the way that I do. However, I am not supposed to allow my feelings to harbour unforgiveness and judgement. I am to rule over my feelings, and not to have my feelings rule over me.

Luke 17:4 (New Living Translation)

"Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive”.

Matthew 6:14,15 (New Living Translation)

"¹⁴ If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins".

     Wow!! Matthew is such a powerful verse for me. I refuse to put my forgiveness of sins in jeopardy because I refuse to forgive someone of the wrong they have done. Forgiveness of my sins is way to precious to me to trade it in for unforgiveness. To me this verse is all about the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross. Jesus suffered being beaten BEYOND recognition, mocking, and Crucifixion on the cross so that everyone sins may be forgiven. Which means that not only did Jesus pay the price for my sins, but he paid the price of the sins of those who have wronged me. How can I then stand in a position of judgment as to who is worthy of forgiveness and who is not when it has already been decided and paid for...I can't and I have no right to; which is exactly what I think Matthew 6:14,15 is saying.

     So, now that we have established that I have no right to hold onto this unforgiveness lets get down to the nitty-gritty of it all. What keeps me from letting it go? What have I to fear? Here is some of what I have realized. One of the things that keeps me from letting go is wallowing in my self-justification of my judgement and anger towards her...it keeps the cycle going. If I justify her, then does that mean that I also justify all the ways in which she has hurt me and has failed to protect me? Since she failed to protect me from my abuse and failed to make choices that I feel could have prevented the abuse (and choices in general that I feel she should have made), and I absolve her of that; does it then mean that I deserved what happened to me? My anger towards her drives me to be a better mother to my children than she was to me. So, then what happens when that drive is gone? Will I fail to push myself to continue to find ways in which I can better myself as a parent? I suppose if I were to let it all go the world would not end, and there would be a brighter tomorrow. You see, I have to allow myself to realize that letting go of the anger, hurt, and judgement doesn't make what she has done ok or lessen the hurt that I have felt, and it certainly doesn't make the abuse ok. I have to allow her to be human...mistakes and all; and not expect her to be some kind of super-mom who was capable of stopping the unstoppable.

     I'd like to be honest with you here...I don't want to pretend like this is all easy for me. There have been lots of times when I don't want to give into forgiveness, and want to hold onto my anger. Despite what people may think, I don't want to forgive my mom for her sake...I'm doing it for mine. I have allowed my anger to progress to the point where if forgiveness really had anything to do with her, I don't know if I would even bother with it. Forgiveness benefits the person who is giving it more than the one who is receiving it. So, I will forgive her for my sake and for the sake of my girls. Unforgiveness is like a cancer that eats away at you. It eats away at your happiness, comfort, patients, and peace...all of which affects your relationships with others. There is a law in the Bible called the "Law of Sowing and Reaping". It states that you reap what you sow.

Galatians 6:7-10 (New Living Translation)

" ⁷ Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. ⁸ Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. ⁹ So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. ¹⁰ Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith".

     I don't want my children to feel about me the way that I feel about my mom, right now, later on in life when they are grown. If I continue on this path of unforgiveness and sowing the seeds thereof, I will reap a harvest of unforgiveness towards myself. I'm the only one who has the power to change that by choosing the path of forgiveness. So, I will push myself out of my comfort zone to do what is right not only in the sight of God, but to do what is right for the sake of my kids.

     I would like to encourage you to deal with your anger now before it reaches the point at which mine is at. I feel like the Lord has shown me something about my anger and how far I have allowed it to take me. While I was reading my Bible the word "scorner" stood out to me. This is what Strong's Complete Word Study Concordance has to say, "...means to deride or to boast so as to express utter contempt. The activity of the scornful is condemned as an abomination to people (Pr 24:9) and contrary to the Law of the Lord (Ps 1:1)". The word "deride" means, "to speak of or treat with contempt, mockery, or ridicule; scoff or jeer at" (definition found on www.thefreedictionary.com). I would like to share some Bible verses that talk about the scorner...

Proverbs 9:8 (King James Version)

"⁸Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee".

Proverbs 9:12 (King James Version)

" ¹²If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: but if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it".


Proverbs 19:29 (King James Version)
"Judgements are prepared for scorners, and stripes for the back of fools".

Proverbs 21:24 (New Living Translation)

" ²⁴ Mockers [scorners] are proud and haughty; they act with boundless arrogance".

Proverbs 22:10 (King James Version)

"¹⁰Cast out the scorner, and contention shall go out; yea, strife and reproach shall cease".

Proverbs 24:9 (New Living Translation)

" ⁹ The schemes of a fool are sinful; everyone detests a mocker [scorner]".

     I believe that the Lord was showing me that this path can lead me down the path to becoming a scorner, and that in some ways I already am. It's a painful truth to see about one's self. I have been in the wrong for holding onto my unforgiveness and for scorning her, and it is something that I will take before the Lord and ask for His forgiveness. I know in my heart that I have spoken of my mom with mockery, ridicule, and have "boast[ed] so as to express utter contempt". I have treated her with contempt and ridicule at times. I have always tried to treat my mother as nicely as I could at any given moment, but that doesn't mean that my anger and hurt haven't shown through my actions and words. There are times when I feel so hurt and betrayed that forgiveness is beyond what I am capable of doing. It's at times like that where I know that Jesus and me hand in hand can do anything. I know that this has been such a long post, and I want to thank you for reading all of it. Just writing all of this has helped me to move forward. I hope to share more thoughts soon about how I plan on forgiving my mom. I know that with God's help I will be able to forgive her.

Philippians 4:13 (King James Version)

"¹³I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me".

Clarification On "Life And Death Are In Words" Post

     I just want to let everyone know that I wanted to clarify something on the posting "Life And Death Are In Words". So, here is a copy of the change I made:

" I don't want to get graphic, so I'll just say that I know more about the circumstances surrounding my conception than anyone should ever know (Now, here's a note: what I'm considering graphic most of you probably wouldn't consider graphic or not that graphic, but it's enough to gross me out)".

Life And Death Are In Words

     Our Words are so important, and I don't think that we realize just how big of an impact they can have on people. The words that we say can have lasting effects on those who hear them. Like wise the words we hear can have lasting effects on us. Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof". We all produce fruit with our words, and we will reap either the benefits or consequences of our words.

     It doesn't take much to leave a lasting impression. A few critical words can produce perfectionism in our lives that can drive us in a variety of unhealthy ways. For me, a memory that I remember very clearly is a time in which my step-dad, Jon, had asked me to do a chore...a few minutes later he came back to tell me to do a second chore. Then yet again a few more minutes went by and he came back to give me a third chore to do, and got mad and frustrated that I hadn't finished the first two chores. I was too slow, and should have been finished according to him. To be honest, I don't remember everything that he said to me over the years; I just remember how I felt. Not just his words, but his body language told me: I couldn't do things good enough; something would always be lacking. After all not everyone could be as brilliant as he was. You see, He sees himself as being far superior to those around him. I felt unwanted and alone. I wanted to feel like I was worthy of approval. This atmosphere fostered in me a sense of perfectionism. Which can work in one of two ways: (1) you work really hard to become an over achiever and (2) you become paralyzed and don't try. Starting in my pre-teen and teen years (probably even earlier) I worked so hard to be perfect...to fix everything. It took a huge toll on my health, and I ended up in my late teens through my early 20's having a lot of stomach issues. My body could no longer handle the stress and pressure of what was going on in my life. The older I've gotten the more my perfectionism paralyzes me. A chore or task will get so worked up in my mind to impossible standards that there is no way that I or anyone else would be able to preform at the level at which I hold myself accountable to. My own standards upon myself shuts me down, and I seek to be distracted from it. So, in times past, I have developed addiction cycles with watching t.v and with being on the Internet (mainly playing farmvile on facebook). The more overwhelmed I felt the more I sought to hide from it, and the more I hid from it the more over whelmed I felt. It's a vicious cycle that is hard to break. Over the years I have learned to tell when I start to feel like I'm going to shut down, and have learned how to take it one step at a time to keep from shutting down. I'm not perfect at it, but at least I'm working on it and making improvements.

     Another instance of the impact of words in my life would be yet another example of something my step-dad, Jon, said to me only a few times. He told me that he likes the out side lane on the highway because if someone tries to side swipe him/come into his lane he has an out/room to move to avoid being hit. Where as in the other lanes you can get boxed in with no where to go. I don't care much for driving on the highway or in traffic for that matter. When I'm surrounded by cars I start to feel a bit claustrophobic. I feel invisible and fear tries to work it's way in...that no one will see that I'm there and come into my lane and hit me. Granted some of these feelings probably come from feeling invisible most of my life, but his words triggered this particular fear of being surrounded by vehicles. When I get nervous my hands sweat which only makes me more nervous if I'm the one driving. If I'm not the one driving I'll hold onto my seat belt for dear life, or put my foot down like I'm stepping on the breaks, or how about this one...holding onto the door. My hands begin to sweat and my heart rate goes up. I feel a loss of control when I'm not the one driving and it scares me. As a teenager when ever I got out of the car, when my step-dad had been driving, I would swear to myself that I would never get back into a car with him again. His "aggressive" driving scared me, and I constantly thought that we were going to get into accidents. I have realized lately just how out of balance this "fear" has gotten, and it's something that I'm going to have to remedy.

     I want to give just one more example. I could give lots of examples...I've heard things that have affected the way I view eating, things about myself, and my life. This example comes from something my mom has told me. I don't want to get graphic, so I'll just say that I know more about the circumstances surrounding my conception than anyone should ever know (Now, here's a note: what I'm considering graphic most of you probably wouldn't consider graphic or not that graphic, but it's enough to gross me out). I know my dad had a five year waiting plan for kids, and that I was born before this five year plan was complete. I know that my mom wanted to have kids so bad that she was probably suffering from depression from not getting pregnant as fast as she had wanted. I know my mom meant no harm, but the things that she has told me left me feeling like I was unplanned and unwanted by my dad. I feared upsetting my dad, and that doing so would cause him to take his love and approval away from me forever. My parents divorced when I was two, and as far back as I can remember I have always been afraid of hurting my dad's feelings and of him taking his love away from me. I don't know at what age my mom started telling me about his five year plan and my conception, but I know that I was probably pre-teen or a teenager. I believe that somewhere I heard or was given the impression that I could lose my dad's love and approval forever at the youngest of ages. I may not have the memories to prove it, but I have a life time of fear that had to have been placed there somehow. It affected my relationship with my dad in that I didn't feel like I could be open and honest with him. I didn't feel like I could go to him in times of trouble and difficulties...let alone for help when life was a living hell.

     Words speak life and death into lives. We have to learn to accept words that are spoken to us that speak life into our lives, and how to cancel out the words that speak death and destruction into our lives. I believe that everyone knows the pain of having hurtful and destructive things spoken to them. If we all take a good look at our lives we can see not only how words have shaped our lives, but how they have shaped us...our personality, and how we deal with things. So, please remember the pain hurtful words have caused you, and choose to speak life into the lives of others and into your own life as well. We can choose to accept or to cancel out what has been spoken to us and over us. Pain doesn't go away over night, but with persistence and a healing hand from the Lord we can be made whole again.

Fall Apart by: Josh Wilson

     This really is a great song. I can really relate to the lyrics in this song..."My whole world is caving in but I feel you now more than I did then. How can I come to the end of me and some how still have all I need. God I want to know you more maybe this is how it starts I find you when I fall apart". God has never failed to show up during the times I've felt so lost and needed him to show me that he is still there. In fact some of the times in my life where I have experienced God like never before have been during the times that I've struggled the most. I know that when I am at my weakest God is at His greatest...this way there is no doubt that it's God working in my life, and I cannot take credit for something that he has done. I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do.

Remind Me Who I am by: Jason Grey

     I really like this song because I can relate to it so well. There have been so many times when I have asked God to show me who I am in him. Times when I have just felt so lost that I just needed God to reach down and tell me that he still sees me, and he never failed to do so. We all have had others give us labels and we have given labels to ourselves too...I love how at the end of this video all the labels are replaced with just one word...BELOVED! Even though I have come such a long way on my healing journey I can still feel something way deep down in me that is in awe and says "Wow, how can that be me...how can I be called beloved". Knowing that God loves me enough to call me beloved humbles me to my core, and at times brings me to my knees in tears. I am so humbled by and thankful for the love of God in my life. I want you to know that God loves you too and wants to call you his beloved as well. I hope you like and enjoy this song just as much as I do.

Finding The Beauty In The Storm

     Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and it's that time of year when we think about all the things that we are thankful for. I'm thankful for so many things...my husband, kids, family, friends, my house, health, etc. I'd like to talk about some things you wouldn't expect to see on that list. I once over heard someone use the phrase "finding the beauty in the storm". It was just enough to catch my attention and to activate my imagination. I'd like to talk about some of the beauty that I've found in my own storm.

     Let me just say this before I get started. I would NEVER wish the things that I have been through on anyone!! There are, however, certain things about me that I otherwise wouldn't know about myself if I had not gone through the journey that I now find myself on. There is a saying that goes something like this: you don't know how strong you are until it's all you have left. I have found that I am so much stronger than I could have ever though possible. First and foremost I give God all the glory for the strength that I have found. At all times I find my strength in him; especially when I'm at my weakest.

     I am thankful for the strength that God has given me to get through court, to make it this far, and for strength yet to come. I knew court was going to be difficult, but as much as I tried to  mentally prepare myself I was still ill prepared for what I faced and the emotions that would surface. I knew Jon's attorneys would come at me hard, and that there would be very little that the District Attorney would be able to do to help me out while I was on the stand. I avoid confrontation when at all possible; so, as you can imagine I was quite nervous at the idea having to face Jon's attorneys and all the things that they might throw at me. So, when the time came I made sure I kept my guard up at all times, and listened very carefully to the words that came from Jon's attorneys. He starts out talking about one thing and then another, and twisting it all up so that it is almost impossible to follow his train of thought. All I know is that it sounded like he was trying to get me to say that I though that I was Jon's underage wife!!! I couldn't hardly believe that he had the nerve to even suggest such a horrid thing. Thinking about this still angers me, and makes me laugh. I'm feel insulted that he would even go there, and I laugh at the desperation it shows for him to even suggest such a thing. Jon's attorneys tried to get me to say that I'm delusional. Ha! Nice try, but I know what I know, and I know what happened to me. I never would have thought I could have stood up for myself the way that I did during court. Court by far is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. I am, however, grateful for the experience because it is also one of the things I am most proud of.

     I am thankful for all the insight that I have gained over the years. Getting to spot unhealthy aspects of my life, discovering what "healthy" should look like, being able to choose to stop being a part of unhealthy family cycles (I'm still working on this one, but doing good), and finding the joy in watching myself become the person who I know I'm meant to be. I am grateful for the work that God has done in me and in my life. For the ways in which my healing journey has brought me closer to God. I'm thankful for being able to find the beauty in my storm.

Dream Evolution

     Like most trauma survivors I have had over the years many haunting dreams. These dreams have evolved for the better over the years. When a survivor first starts their healing journey, it's so hard to swallow, the often given advice, "it gets better over time". There can be times when you wonder what does that mean anyway...nope, this is never going to go away, and this is as good as it's gonna get; so I better learn how to get used to feeling like this. I think a lot of people's despair comes from such a place as that. Thinking that the pain will never go away, and that they better get used to feeling like they are trapped in a dungeon cell and dying. Healing then becomes...a dream. Like one of those life long goals that some of us make that always seems to be unattainable for what ever reason...it becomes a fantasy that only happens in the fairy tails. Awe yes, that fairy tail fantasy called...healing.

     I can honestly say that it DOES get better over time...as long as...you are truly fighting for, seeking and receiving your healing. A person can hand you your healing on a silver platter, but if you don't accept and receive it...you'll never obtain it. I have found in my own healing journey there were just some things that I had to accept, and only with that acceptance was I able to move forward. Let me give you an example from my own life. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried I could only go so far in my healing, and I kept bumping into the same old wall unable to break through it. I knew I had more healing to do so I just couldn't accept where I was at. I knew I had to keep fighting for my healing. While doing some group therapy I had a revelation. I started to understand what that wall was all about that I kept running into. You see, I was afraid that if I fully and truly let go of it all it would some how mean that what Jon did to me was ok. That if I didn't scream it from the mountain tops that no one would. If I didn't stand up and say what he did was wrong no one would, and then by default what he did would no longer be wrong. I had to come to the realization on my own that wrong would still be wrong weather I scream it from the mountain tops or not. That God would always see what Jon did as being wrong, and that God would always be my vindicator. I took Jon to court and he was found guilty; so, I had to give myself some credit for standing up for myself and standing up to Jon. I had to ACCEPT these things so that I could let go and move forward in my healing. So, that is what I mean when I talk about accepting and receiving our healing. Some times we may have to accept some things (even things that may seem difficult or impossible to accept) in order to be able to take hold of our healing, to grasp it so we may receive it and walk in it. At least that is what I have found to be true in my own life and my own healing journey. It wasn't easy for me to let go of the need to scream it from the mountain tops and being the voice that said "what he did was wrong", but knowing the freedom that would come from letting go of the drive to do that made it all worth it. I can still be, however, that voice who tells of the misdeeds that were done in secret, and scream it from the mountain tops (if I so desire)...but it will no longer define the "rightness" or "wrongness" of what was done to me.

     Now, onto the topic...the evolution of my dreams. They started out, as you probably can guess, with Jon attacking me, and me trying to get away from him. There were times when the attacks felt so real that I could physically feel like I had been attacked after I woke up. Those kind of dreams can leave me feeling emotionally off for a few days. Slowly I start to fight back in some of those dreams, instead of just trying to get away. Then there are the dreams where I'm trying to convince my mom of what a bad guy he really is and she just doesn't get it, or she does and just doesn't care. I also have that same kind of dream but instead of just trying to convince my mom I'm trying to convince anyone and every one I see in my dream...usually I'm just ignored by everyone in these types of dreams, but at least I'm speaking out. Ah, yes, then there are the dreams where I'm trying to make my mom pick...it's either him or me, and she can't choose both. I usually loose out on these kind of dreams (she refuses to pick, has a mental break down, or just ignores what's going on...either way what ever the reason it doesn't work in my favor), but at least I'm taking a stand. There are also the ones where Jon has gotten out of jail and my mom still wants to be with him even though she knows what he has done. I will say that I have had a few dreams where my mom was trying to help me get him out of our lives by simply trying to get away from him. I have dreams where Jon is coming after me and I fight back. The things I do to him usually don't affect him in any way, and it's like I'm not even hitting him with anything. It's like no matter what I do it has no affect, and no one cares, but at least I'm fighting back. Some dreams that he is in aren't even about him...he is just another person in the dream (and that's just fine with me when you consider what the dream could be like); I do fine as long as he doesn't try to come near me, but as soon as he does I lose it in my dreams. The good ones are when I get right in his face and yell at him. These are the most common ones that I have these days. I tell him I'm not afraid of him, I'm not afraid of telling everyone, that I can't stand him, and that I want him to leave. His reactions to my words usually isn't the best. For example: in my last dream he swung at my head twice with a wooden base ball bat, but I went back after him with a metal one. So, as you can see, in my dreams, I'm becoming increasingly more bold and less afraid of fighting him. I can feel my confidence in facing him and taking him on in a fight growing in my dreams. However, after I've said what I had to say the dream usually ends right about that time; so, I have yet to get to see him turn around and actually leave, but I think I will one day.

     I have gone long periods of time with out having a dream with him in it. What I consider at this point to be a long period of time is anywhere from a few months to about six months (which I think is the longest that I've gone). A while back I noticed that I have dreams with Jon in them when I'm stressed out. So, now when I have a dream with him in it I know I am probably more stressed out than I think I am with what ever it is that is going on in my life at that time.

     What I would like for you to receive from this post is: yes in the beginning the dreams are very unpleasant to say the least, but I would like for you to see and to have the hope that it won't always be like that. The more I worked through the pain and hurt, the bolder I got in my dreams. The more I healed the more the dreams changed in my favor. I believe that one day they will stop all together, and that is my hope for you as well. That you will have your own dream evolution for the better, and one day they will stop for you as well.