Some Positive New Things In My Life

     I finally was able to meet with my Faculty Advisor today so that I can sign up for classes that start in the Fall. I'm going back to school to get a Bachelors in Psychology. I'm also considering a minor in writing, or I might just seek a Bachelors in Writing as well. I am excited for school to start. I also am enjoying this summer time with my girls, and part of me isn't ready for the summer to end. There is a lot going on in my life right now, but I'm excited about all that God is doing in my life.

     My pastor recently preached and said what looks like a set back is only a set up for greater things to come. I know that while some recent changes which have happened were very difficult to adjust to; it's not going to be a set back (although it may have felt like it), but its a set up to propel me further in my walk and destiny in Christ. I know God has great things in store for me, and I wait for it all with anticipation knowing my later will be greater than the former.

     I'd like to share one other thing I've heard from my pastor which really stood out to me. First, I'll have to give some scripture.

                            Romans 8:35-39

8:35 - Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

8:36 - As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

8:37 - Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors though him that loved us.

8:38 - For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor  powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

8:39 - Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Although I may stand as a sheep before the slaughter God as already declared my victory. For He has said that I am more than a conqueror. It is by His love that I move, and breath, and have life. Not just any kind of life, but a victorious life. A life where all my battles have already been called to victory before I even face them. Therefore, any obstacle or battle that I may face in life has already been won and cannot be lost. It is up to me to stand firm in my victory or to forfeit it. I don't know about any one else, but I don't plan to forfeit any of my victories. The biggest thing I took from this particular service is: even though I may stand before the hardest of battles (as the sheep before the slaughter) God has ALREADY DECLARED MY VICTORY!!!

     Life doesn't hold still for anyone, and mines on the move. I just wanted to take some time to share with all of you some of the positive things going on in my life. May each of us receive the blessings God shines down upon us every day, and not take any of them for granted.



My Fear Is…

    After my last post, "Where It Started", I sat down and made a list of my fears which have to do with letting go of the need to want to control how my mom views and deals with her life. I'm going to share that list with all of you. Along with quotes from Joel Osteen's new book Every Day A Friday. I have found these quotes to be very helpful to me, and I find they fit rather well with dealing with my fears. Every Day A Friday is a great book, and the whole book is full of great advice…not just the little bit that I'm sharing here.

• If my mom dies and goes to hell I'm afraid of being the one standing in front of God being held responsible / accountable for her ending up in hell. All my life I've been the one who's been responsible for her…for "fixing" her. If she goes to hell then it means I didn't do my "job" right…I've failed yet again, and worse yet…this time I've failed God, and it's for all eternity. I need to realize that I am not responsible for her soul…she is. 

1. Pg. 181 –Instead of being holier than thou and judging people, our attitudes should be But for the grace of God, that could be me.
   
2. Pg. 180 –All of us have strengths, and we all have weaknesses. We are strong in certain areas not because we're great and we just decided to be strong, but because of the grace of God in our lives.
   
3. Pg. 183 –This doesn't mean you are excusing the person's behavior. What they are doing may be wrong. It may be their fault. They may have brought the trouble on themselves. But I've learned I'm not the judge. God is the Judge. I'm not here to straighten everybody out. I'm here to help bring healing. (*NOTE TO SELF* This means her life is not my responsibility. It is not my responsibility to "fix" her, but to give encouragement when needed.) 

• She hasn't shown me she can make good choices on her own…therefore, I need to continue to try to "fix" her and control how she deals with life. How arrogant of me to think it's my place to judge such a thing. It's her life to run and I have no right to try to run it for her. She does not have to prove anything to me to be able to run her own life. She doesn't owe me anything! She doesn't owe it to me to become a healthy person…to become what I would like for her to be. She doesn't owe it to me to be anything other than who she is right now at this moment. It will be a great thing for her to become a healthy person, but she doesn't owe it to me. 

1. Pg. 172 – Everyone has faults and habits that can get on your nerves. The key is to recognize what you are magnifying. You are magnifying the wrong thing when you let the critical spirit take over.
   
2. Pg. 171 -You can train yourself to see people's strengths or you can train yourself to see their weaknesses. 

• If I can't "fix" her, then how am I to fulfill what God's called me to do. Hey here's a thought: God didn't call me to "fix" people, but to show people that God cares about them, and wants to help them heal. 

1. Pg. 183 -Our job is to pour the healing oil on the wounds. Our job is to lift the fallen, to be a friend to the lonely, to encourage the discouraged. When you take this merciful approach, instead of giving them what they deserve, you start the healing process. You say, "I understand. They're not having a good day. I understand they're under a lot of stress. I understand life is not treating them fairly."
   
2. Pg. 186 –If you will just see them through eyes of love, you could be one of those to help them come up higher and still fulfill their God-given destinies. 

• I've become critical and bitter because I hold resentment over her being able to seem "normal" with other people but not with me. I've allowed myself to develop a tainted view of her. When it comes to dealing with her I am becoming all the things that I so strongly dislike about her…what you say about others can come back at you & you become what you dislike. 

1. Pg. 172 -Here's what I've learned: A critical spirit follows you everywhere you go. You can't get away from it.
   
2. Pg. 173 –A critical spirit taints everything. What's the solution? Number one, recognize when your window is dirty. Number two, just as you've developed a habit of seeing the worst, retrain yourself to see the good.
    
3. Pg. 172 – Everyone has faults and habits that can get on your nerves. The key is to recognize what you are magnifying. You are magnifying the wrong thing when you let the critical spirit take over.
    
4. Pg. 177 –Matthew 7:1 tells us to not pick on people, jump on their failures, and criticize their faults, unless of course, we want the same treatment. A critical spirit has a way of boomeranging back to us.
    
5. Pg. 185 –Most of the time we don't know all the facts about the people we judge and criticize. Even if they are in the wrong, God did not put us here to condemn them. They need our mercy, our forgiveness, and our understanding to get back on the right track. Being hard and critical doesn't bring healing. We aren't lifting people up. We just push them further down. 

• She is selfish and toxic from her unhealed hurts from her life, but it doesn't give me the right to judge her and to try to control her life. I am not responsible for her!!! (I need to say that again!) I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER!! She is a hurt person who doesn't know how to NOT hurt ME!! 

1. Pg. 146 –When you hold on to a hurt, you never let it heal. It's like a bruise that won't go away…If your hurt isn't allowed to heal, the smallest bump will cause you to be defensive. You can't develop healthy relationships while your emotional bruises remain unhealed.
   
2. Pg. 147 –Unfair things happen to all of us. If you want to see that bruise go away and walk into the freedom God has in store for you, you have to forgive the wrongs. You have to let go of what somebody did and move forward with your life. 

• If I let go of control she will only hurt me more. She is a hurt person who does not know how to NOT hurt me. Trying to control her won't change that. 

1. Pg. 150 –Take a merciful approach and say, "God, I know what they did was wrong. They hurt me and it was not fair, but God, I'm not looking for revenge. I ask you, God, to heal them and give them what they need."
   
2. Pg. 150 -When you can pray for your enemies and even bless those who do you wrong, as the Scripture says, God will settle your accounts (Matthew 5:44; 18:21-35). 

• I'm afraid to have feelings towards her because I'm afraid of the hurt she causes me. News, flash…I still feel the hurt; so that's not working. Controlling her won't make it stop!! Building up walls won't make it stop either.  

1. Pg. 154 –You have to forgive so that you can be free to live each day with happiness in your heart. If you will let go of the hurts and pains and get on God's payroll, God will settle your case. He will make your wrongs right. He will bring justice into your life. You will get what you deserve, God will pay you back double the joy, double the peace, double the favor and double the victory.
   
2. Pg. 147 -Put your foot down and say, "My destiny is too great, my future is too bright, and my God is too big to let an old hurt cause me to be sour and bitter and stuck where I am. No, I'll shake it off and press forward into the bright future God has in store for me."
   

Standing In The Gap

     I'd like to talk about standing in the gap for others. Sometimes when we are dealing with someone who is unhealthy, who plays an important roll in our lives, whether we want to keep them in our lives or not, forgiveness just doesn't seem to be enough. Sometimes it feels like every time we have to deal with that person we are hurt. I know that I have felt that way about my mom. At times I would feel so discouraged because it seemed like when she was around others she can be "normal", but around me all I would get is her dysfunction. I felt like I was her emotional dumping ground. I think that in situations like this it's important to keep bitterness from getting a hold of us. Bitterness like unforgiveness is destructive in our lives because it affects the way we perceive people and treat them.

     I think some times in situations where we are constantly hurt by the same person(s), saying "I forgive" may not be enough to keep bitterness from taking root, and that we need to take it a step farther by praying for them. I know how hard that can be. I'll be the first to admit that my prayer life is lacking, and I find it difficult to set time aside to pray one on one with God. I do, however, talk to God as I go about my daily business. I believe in the power of prayer. As a Christian I've been taught that its good to pray for others; especially those who have hurt or wronged me. That in fact one of the best things that I can do for someone is to pray for them. Now, I can tell you that I know very little about standing in the gap and praying for others, but I do believe that it's the best way to keep bitterness and unforgiveness from taking root in our hearts. I'm not talking about just throwing up some prayer that says, "Oh, God! Help them!" or "Oh, God! You better get a hold of them!". I'm talking about some serious prayer on their behalf. Now standing in the gap isn't just for those who have hurt or wronged us; it is also for friends and family members who are going through a difficult time....for anyone.

Ephesians 6:12-18 (King James Version)

"¹² For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, ¹⁵ and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; ¹⁶ above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. ¹⁷ And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; ¹⁸ praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints—"

     As Ephesians 6:12 has pointed out...there can be a spiritual aspect or drive behind what people say and do. It is my belief that we sometimes have to address and deal with the spiritual aspect of that in prayer. To do spiritual warfare on their behalf. To go to God in prayer and ask that the assignments of the enemy be canceled; that he send his angels to do battle on their behalf. To declare victory in the name of Jesus. There is a very real enemy of our soul...the devil. The Bible says that he seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. Standing in the gap and praying for someone can feel like your taking back control. I know, for me at least, I felt like I was taking back control in a situation where I had previously felt a lack of control. When I started praying "My Declaration" (which I will re-post at the end) that is exactly how I felt. The situation with my mom felt out of control in many aspects. I cannot control her...what she says and does, and I sure didn't feel like I could control my feelings towards her. When I started praying for her...for God's restorative power in her life...I felt like I was taking back / gaining back control of my relationship with her. I also felt more in control of my feelings towards her. I felt a weight lifted off of me. I felt at peace. A peace that has stayed.

     I don't think standing in the gap in prayer for someone is all about asking God to change them. I think it's more about asking God to blesses them. To draw them closer to God. Praying the enemy doesn't succeed in their life. Asking God to help them overcome any issues or difficulties they may have in their lives. Especially the issues or difficulties they have which hinder you from having a good relationship with that person. I encourage you to stand in the gap for someone.

     Here is "My Declaration" (as posted before) as an example of how I've been standing in the gap for my mom. I have put the words in bold that I would like to draw your attention to as the parts that I feel are the areas where I was standing in the gap for her.

I speak to the Spiritual and Heavenly realms in the name of Jesus. I declare forgiveness be applied towards my mom and in my life. I free her of my anger, hurt, feelings of blame and of betrayal, and of my judgments. I ask you Father God to forgive me for my unforgiveness, judgments, and scoring. I ask that you release me from my judgments. I declare healing over both of our lives. I speak love, life, healing, happiness, and forgiveness over my mom’s life. I declare now in the name of Jesus that she is able to forgive just as she has been forgiven. That she is set free from her anxiety, fears, and traumas; that the power they hold over her life be broken. That her spiritual senses be reawakened so that she can hear you, Lord, calling her back to, you, her first love. That she will be able to feel worthy of your forgiveness, and be able to accept the forgiveness that you have paid such a high price for. That she starts to walk in the destiny that you have prepared for her. Again, I speak forgiveness and healing over my mom and myself. I choose to honor her for giving me life. I speak to my feelings of anger, hurt, blame, betrayal, and to my judgments. I thank you for helping me to protect myself, but I break agreement with you now in the name of Jesus. I will choose forgiveness because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I bless myself to receive the power of the Holy Spirit to govern my thoughts, words and actions. I declare that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the likeness of Jesus and that His love flows through me. I speak to my Spirit and I say receive all the blessing of Jesus that He has purposefully designed for you today. I speak to my body and I say receive health today and nourishment and be well and strong and receive every blessing that flows from the cross where Jesus died and paid for you. Finally, I speak to my heart and say You are loved by Jesus and accepted by Jesus so rejoice! I declare these things in Jesus name. Amen.

Some Of My Thoughts On Forgiveness

     Choosing to forgive is hard especially when you have been so deeply wounded by someone. There is a saying about unforgiveness that I like, "unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to be affected" (I don't know who the quote is by). There is also a saying from the Nickelodeon kids cartoon "Avator: The Last Airbener", that I like, Aang when talking about revenge says, "Revenge is like a two headed rat viper. While you watch your enemy go down your being poisoned yourself". When Zuko says that forgiveness is the same as doing nothing, Aang replies, "No it's not. It's easy to do nothing. It's hard to forgive". It takes real courage to forgive when you feel such hurt and pain.

     I think there are some preconceived notions about forgiveness that become a hindrance to many. Webster's New World College Dictionary (4th edition) states "forgive" as "(1.) to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; pardon (2.) to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for (an offense); over look (3.) to cancel or remit (a debt)". In most cases I think Webster's definition of forgive is pretty accurate for the most part, but when it comes to forgiving someone who has done the unthinkable I find it lacking. In the book Toxic Parents the author, Susan Forward, had this to say about forgiveness, "I came to realize that there are two facets to forgiveness: giving up the need for revenge, and absolving the guilty party of responsibility" (pg. 178). I think this is how most people look at forgiveness, and it posses a real stumbling block for them. How can a person absolve someone of responsibility when they have done the unthinkable? I don't have an answer for that. After all, I held my abuser responsible for his actions by taking him to court. We all are not an island unto ourselves. There are real consequences to all we say and do. I personally feel that you can forgive someone and still hold them accountable for their actions. I believe that it is a personal choice if someone chooses to show grace and mercy to someone who has wronged them by whether or not they choose to hold the person accountable. I also see nothing wrong in allowing a person to reap the natural consequences of their behavior. To me that does not show a lack of forgiveness unless it is done out of a sense of getting back at that person. Wrong will always be wrong, and forgiveness doesn't change that. Forgiveness in many cases is acknowledging that the one who wronged us is not perfect and has made mistakes. In other cases forgiveness is saying that you will not allow unforgiveness to poison your life, and it is something that you do for yourself and not for the one who wronged you.

     I'd like to share with you what forgiveness looks like to me:
           1.) Forgiveness MEANS: to let go of anger, hurt, judgments and the need for revenge. To place the situation in God's hands.
           2.) Forgiveness DOES NOT MEAN: (a.) that you have to forget, (b.) that you have to stay friends with that person, (c.) that you can't hold the person accountable or responsible for their actions because actions have consequences. (d.) it does not mean that what they did was ok
     To me if I have wronged someone I need to not only ask for their forgiveness, but I need to seek God's forgiveness as well because he is the only one who can truly absolve me of my guilty status, and so it is with those who have wronged me. I can forgive them. I can choose to show them grace and mercy (or choose to hold them accountable), but it is God who is their judge...not me. God is the only one who can fully absolve someone of the wrong they have done, and even then God may choose to allow the person to reap the consequences of their actions.

Galatians 6:7,8 (New Living Translation)

"Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit". 

     If God allows us (or the one who wronged us) to experience the consequences of our actions (or of their own actions) it does not mean that God did not grant us (or them) forgiveness. God is always faithful to forgive when we ask him to.

1 Jon 1:9 (King James Version) 

"If we confess our sins, he [God] is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness".

     I am not perfect. So for me, most of the time forgiveness is acknowledging that others are not perfect either, and allowing them to be human...mistakes and all. In other cases, like with my abuser, forgiveness is about not letting what he did to me poison my life.

    Most importantly I hope that this view of forgiveness is ok in the eyes of God. Secondly, I hope that it is able to help some of you to step out and to forgive. This may not be a perfect view of forgiveness, but it is one that has helped me tremendously. I have found freedom in forgiving others, and I hope you will too.

My Declaration

     I believe in the power of words. I believe that with my words I can either store up and bind unforgiveness or I can release forgiveness. I believe that people can either speak blessings or curses. I believe that with my words I can change how I feel about things.

Proverbs 18:21 (New Living Translation)

"The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences".

     I also believe that forgiveness is a choice. That I can choose to speak forgiveness towards my mother, and that over time the feeling of forgiveness towards her will come. I know that forgiveness isn't always instant. With Jon, my abuser, I had to forgive him daily for a long time, and there are still times when memories come to mind where I have to forgive him all over again. It can be an on going process, and so it will be with my mom. 

Deuteronomy 5:16 (New Living Translation)

"Honor your father and mother, as the LORD your God commanded you. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you".

     Deuteronomy 5:16 is the first commandment with a promise. To honor our parents that we may have a long life. As one of my Aunts recently said to me, "we aren't commanded to honor only good moms, but to honor our mom" (paraphrased). I don't have to honor her bad choices or bad behavior, but there are things about her that I can find to give her honor. For instance, I can choose to honor her for giving me life. It is because she gave me life that I am able to be a wife and mother, and am able to enjoy the life that I now have. I can honor her for always keeping a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my body, and a wide range of material things. I can choose to honor her in those ways with out condoning the areas for which I have been hurt. I will choose to honor her not only because I am commanded to so do, but because I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. Romans 13:7 talks about giving honor to where honor is due, and that is what I'll do...give honor in the areas where it is due.

Romans 13:7 (King James Version)

"Render therefore to all their dues: tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor".

     In my last post I said that I would share with all of you my plan for forgiving my mom. With some help from my Aunt I have written a declaration that I have printed out, and taped up on the wall in my closet. I plan on reading it daily if I have to. Before I share it with all of you I'd like to take a moment to talk about declarations. For me personally, I have decided to write a declaration of forgiveness, blessings, and healing. This is what I have chosen to do to walk out the forgiveness path that I have chosen. This is not something that I am pushing on anyone. I am simply sharing with all of you what this part of my healing walk looks like. I believe that declaring forgiveness, blessings, and healing can be powerful, and in its self healing for the person speaking it. I start off my declaration speaking to the Spiritual and Heavenly realms because I am choosing to stand on the authority given to me as a child of the Most High God.

 

My Declaration

I speak to the Spiritual and Heavenly realms in the name of Jesus. I declare forgiveness be applied towards my mom and in my life. I free her of my anger, hurt, feelings of blame and of betrayal, and of my judgments. I ask you Father God to forgive me for my unforgiveness, judgments, and scoring. I ask that you release me from my judgments. I declare healing over both of our lives. I speak love, life, healing, happiness, and forgiveness over my mom’s life. I declare now in the name of Jesus that she is able to forgive just as she has been forgiven. That she is set free from her anxiety, fears, and traumas; that the power they hold over her life be broken. That her spiritual senses be reawakened so that she can hear you, Lord, calling her back to, you, her first love. That she will be able to feel worthy of your forgiveness, and be able to accept the forgiveness that you have paid such a high price for. That she starts to walk in the destiny that you have prepared for her. Again, I speak forgiveness and healing over my mom and myself. I choose to honor her for giving me life. I speak to my feelings of anger, hurt, blame, betrayal, and to my judgments. I thank you for helping me to protect myself, but I break agreement with you now in the name of Jesus. I will choose forgiveness because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I bless myself to receive the power of the Holy Spirit to govern my thoughts, words and actions. I declare that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the likeness of Jesus and that His love flows through me. I speak to my Spirit and I say receive all the blessing of Jesus that He has purposefully designed for you today. I speak to my body and I say receive health today and nourishment and be well and strong and receive every blessing that flows from the cross where Jesus died and paid for you. Finally, I speak to my heart and say You are loved by Jesus and accepted by Jesus so rejoice! I declare these things in Jesus name. Amen.

Unforgiveness And Scorning

    I've been working through some things lately, and thanks to a conversation with my best friend I'm able to put some things into words. Sometimes just being able to put how you are feeling into words is half the battle. When I am able to put words to my feelings I then "feel" like I understand the reasons behind the emotions and feelings going on in my head. Once I have a better understanding of myself and why I feel the way that I do, I can then work on the issue. I'm a pretty analytical person...I like to know the who, where, why, and how of things.

     There are some things about my mom where I have been saying to myself, "It is what it is. Now onto the next thing". I thought I was working on acceptance towards her, however, the anger stayed. I've realized that even though I thought I was working on acceptance I wasn't dealing with all of the betrayal I have felt for so long. It's not just the betrayal either, but the judgement that goes with it. Thinking that she should have known better and should have made different decisions in many areas of MY LIFE, and forgetting that it was her life too. Judging her choices and decisions because they weren't what I think she should have done or should BE doing. Judging her for not being able to let go, forgive, and move forward when I have been unable to do the same concerning her. Then wallowing in my own self-justification of my anger and unforgiveness towards her. Allowing my anger to feed into more anger.

     Am I really justified in judging her the way that I do...no because I am not perfect. I do not make perfect choices, and how can I condemn her for something I find myself doing...harboring unforgiveness and not moving on.

Romans 2:3-5 (New Living Translation)

" ³ Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things? ⁴ Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? ⁵ But because you are stubborn and refuse to turn from your sin, you are storing up terrible punishment for yourself  ".

     What that verse is saying is, we will be judged in the same way in which we judge others, and that by holding onto those judgements we are storing up punishment for ourselves...ouch!! There is only one just judge and that is God. God has not put me here on this earth so that I may judge my mom (or anyone else). Am I allowed to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, and sad...yes, of course I am. I am allowed to have feelings and to feel the way that I do. However, I am not supposed to allow my feelings to harbour unforgiveness and judgement. I am to rule over my feelings, and not to have my feelings rule over me.

Luke 17:4 (New Living Translation)

"Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive”.

Matthew 6:14,15 (New Living Translation)

"¹⁴ If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins".

     Wow!! Matthew is such a powerful verse for me. I refuse to put my forgiveness of sins in jeopardy because I refuse to forgive someone of the wrong they have done. Forgiveness of my sins is way to precious to me to trade it in for unforgiveness. To me this verse is all about the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross. Jesus suffered being beaten BEYOND recognition, mocking, and Crucifixion on the cross so that everyone sins may be forgiven. Which means that not only did Jesus pay the price for my sins, but he paid the price of the sins of those who have wronged me. How can I then stand in a position of judgment as to who is worthy of forgiveness and who is not when it has already been decided and paid for...I can't and I have no right to; which is exactly what I think Matthew 6:14,15 is saying.

     So, now that we have established that I have no right to hold onto this unforgiveness lets get down to the nitty-gritty of it all. What keeps me from letting it go? What have I to fear? Here is some of what I have realized. One of the things that keeps me from letting go is wallowing in my self-justification of my judgement and anger towards her...it keeps the cycle going. If I justify her, then does that mean that I also justify all the ways in which she has hurt me and has failed to protect me? Since she failed to protect me from my abuse and failed to make choices that I feel could have prevented the abuse (and choices in general that I feel she should have made), and I absolve her of that; does it then mean that I deserved what happened to me? My anger towards her drives me to be a better mother to my children than she was to me. So, then what happens when that drive is gone? Will I fail to push myself to continue to find ways in which I can better myself as a parent? I suppose if I were to let it all go the world would not end, and there would be a brighter tomorrow. You see, I have to allow myself to realize that letting go of the anger, hurt, and judgement doesn't make what she has done ok or lessen the hurt that I have felt, and it certainly doesn't make the abuse ok. I have to allow her to be human...mistakes and all; and not expect her to be some kind of super-mom who was capable of stopping the unstoppable.

     I'd like to be honest with you here...I don't want to pretend like this is all easy for me. There have been lots of times when I don't want to give into forgiveness, and want to hold onto my anger. Despite what people may think, I don't want to forgive my mom for her sake...I'm doing it for mine. I have allowed my anger to progress to the point where if forgiveness really had anything to do with her, I don't know if I would even bother with it. Forgiveness benefits the person who is giving it more than the one who is receiving it. So, I will forgive her for my sake and for the sake of my girls. Unforgiveness is like a cancer that eats away at you. It eats away at your happiness, comfort, patients, and peace...all of which affects your relationships with others. There is a law in the Bible called the "Law of Sowing and Reaping". It states that you reap what you sow.

Galatians 6:7-10 (New Living Translation)

" ⁷ Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. ⁸ Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. ⁹ So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. ¹⁰ Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith".

     I don't want my children to feel about me the way that I feel about my mom, right now, later on in life when they are grown. If I continue on this path of unforgiveness and sowing the seeds thereof, I will reap a harvest of unforgiveness towards myself. I'm the only one who has the power to change that by choosing the path of forgiveness. So, I will push myself out of my comfort zone to do what is right not only in the sight of God, but to do what is right for the sake of my kids.

     I would like to encourage you to deal with your anger now before it reaches the point at which mine is at. I feel like the Lord has shown me something about my anger and how far I have allowed it to take me. While I was reading my Bible the word "scorner" stood out to me. This is what Strong's Complete Word Study Concordance has to say, "...means to deride or to boast so as to express utter contempt. The activity of the scornful is condemned as an abomination to people (Pr 24:9) and contrary to the Law of the Lord (Ps 1:1)". The word "deride" means, "to speak of or treat with contempt, mockery, or ridicule; scoff or jeer at" (definition found on www.thefreedictionary.com). I would like to share some Bible verses that talk about the scorner...

Proverbs 9:8 (King James Version)

"⁸Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee".

Proverbs 9:12 (King James Version)

" ¹²If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: but if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it".


Proverbs 19:29 (King James Version)
"Judgements are prepared for scorners, and stripes for the back of fools".

Proverbs 21:24 (New Living Translation)

" ²⁴ Mockers [scorners] are proud and haughty; they act with boundless arrogance".

Proverbs 22:10 (King James Version)

"¹⁰Cast out the scorner, and contention shall go out; yea, strife and reproach shall cease".

Proverbs 24:9 (New Living Translation)

" ⁹ The schemes of a fool are sinful; everyone detests a mocker [scorner]".

     I believe that the Lord was showing me that this path can lead me down the path to becoming a scorner, and that in some ways I already am. It's a painful truth to see about one's self. I have been in the wrong for holding onto my unforgiveness and for scorning her, and it is something that I will take before the Lord and ask for His forgiveness. I know in my heart that I have spoken of my mom with mockery, ridicule, and have "boast[ed] so as to express utter contempt". I have treated her with contempt and ridicule at times. I have always tried to treat my mother as nicely as I could at any given moment, but that doesn't mean that my anger and hurt haven't shown through my actions and words. There are times when I feel so hurt and betrayed that forgiveness is beyond what I am capable of doing. It's at times like that where I know that Jesus and me hand in hand can do anything. I know that this has been such a long post, and I want to thank you for reading all of it. Just writing all of this has helped me to move forward. I hope to share more thoughts soon about how I plan on forgiving my mom. I know that with God's help I will be able to forgive her.

Philippians 4:13 (King James Version)

"¹³I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me".

Clarification On "Life And Death Are In Words" Post

     I just want to let everyone know that I wanted to clarify something on the posting "Life And Death Are In Words". So, here is a copy of the change I made:

" I don't want to get graphic, so I'll just say that I know more about the circumstances surrounding my conception than anyone should ever know (Now, here's a note: what I'm considering graphic most of you probably wouldn't consider graphic or not that graphic, but it's enough to gross me out)".

Life And Death Are In Words

     Our Words are so important, and I don't think that we realize just how big of an impact they can have on people. The words that we say can have lasting effects on those who hear them. Like wise the words we hear can have lasting effects on us. Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof". We all produce fruit with our words, and we will reap either the benefits or consequences of our words.

     It doesn't take much to leave a lasting impression. A few critical words can produce perfectionism in our lives that can drive us in a variety of unhealthy ways. For me, a memory that I remember very clearly is a time in which my step-dad, Jon, had asked me to do a chore...a few minutes later he came back to tell me to do a second chore. Then yet again a few more minutes went by and he came back to give me a third chore to do, and got mad and frustrated that I hadn't finished the first two chores. I was too slow, and should have been finished according to him. To be honest, I don't remember everything that he said to me over the years; I just remember how I felt. Not just his words, but his body language told me: I couldn't do things good enough; something would always be lacking. After all not everyone could be as brilliant as he was. You see, He sees himself as being far superior to those around him. I felt unwanted and alone. I wanted to feel like I was worthy of approval. This atmosphere fostered in me a sense of perfectionism. Which can work in one of two ways: (1) you work really hard to become an over achiever and (2) you become paralyzed and don't try. Starting in my pre-teen and teen years (probably even earlier) I worked so hard to be perfect...to fix everything. It took a huge toll on my health, and I ended up in my late teens through my early 20's having a lot of stomach issues. My body could no longer handle the stress and pressure of what was going on in my life. The older I've gotten the more my perfectionism paralyzes me. A chore or task will get so worked up in my mind to impossible standards that there is no way that I or anyone else would be able to preform at the level at which I hold myself accountable to. My own standards upon myself shuts me down, and I seek to be distracted from it. So, in times past, I have developed addiction cycles with watching t.v and with being on the Internet (mainly playing farmvile on facebook). The more overwhelmed I felt the more I sought to hide from it, and the more I hid from it the more over whelmed I felt. It's a vicious cycle that is hard to break. Over the years I have learned to tell when I start to feel like I'm going to shut down, and have learned how to take it one step at a time to keep from shutting down. I'm not perfect at it, but at least I'm working on it and making improvements.

     Another instance of the impact of words in my life would be yet another example of something my step-dad, Jon, said to me only a few times. He told me that he likes the out side lane on the highway because if someone tries to side swipe him/come into his lane he has an out/room to move to avoid being hit. Where as in the other lanes you can get boxed in with no where to go. I don't care much for driving on the highway or in traffic for that matter. When I'm surrounded by cars I start to feel a bit claustrophobic. I feel invisible and fear tries to work it's way in...that no one will see that I'm there and come into my lane and hit me. Granted some of these feelings probably come from feeling invisible most of my life, but his words triggered this particular fear of being surrounded by vehicles. When I get nervous my hands sweat which only makes me more nervous if I'm the one driving. If I'm not the one driving I'll hold onto my seat belt for dear life, or put my foot down like I'm stepping on the breaks, or how about this one...holding onto the door. My hands begin to sweat and my heart rate goes up. I feel a loss of control when I'm not the one driving and it scares me. As a teenager when ever I got out of the car, when my step-dad had been driving, I would swear to myself that I would never get back into a car with him again. His "aggressive" driving scared me, and I constantly thought that we were going to get into accidents. I have realized lately just how out of balance this "fear" has gotten, and it's something that I'm going to have to remedy.

     I want to give just one more example. I could give lots of examples...I've heard things that have affected the way I view eating, things about myself, and my life. This example comes from something my mom has told me. I don't want to get graphic, so I'll just say that I know more about the circumstances surrounding my conception than anyone should ever know (Now, here's a note: what I'm considering graphic most of you probably wouldn't consider graphic or not that graphic, but it's enough to gross me out). I know my dad had a five year waiting plan for kids, and that I was born before this five year plan was complete. I know that my mom wanted to have kids so bad that she was probably suffering from depression from not getting pregnant as fast as she had wanted. I know my mom meant no harm, but the things that she has told me left me feeling like I was unplanned and unwanted by my dad. I feared upsetting my dad, and that doing so would cause him to take his love and approval away from me forever. My parents divorced when I was two, and as far back as I can remember I have always been afraid of hurting my dad's feelings and of him taking his love away from me. I don't know at what age my mom started telling me about his five year plan and my conception, but I know that I was probably pre-teen or a teenager. I believe that somewhere I heard or was given the impression that I could lose my dad's love and approval forever at the youngest of ages. I may not have the memories to prove it, but I have a life time of fear that had to have been placed there somehow. It affected my relationship with my dad in that I didn't feel like I could be open and honest with him. I didn't feel like I could go to him in times of trouble and difficulties...let alone for help when life was a living hell.

     Words speak life and death into lives. We have to learn to accept words that are spoken to us that speak life into our lives, and how to cancel out the words that speak death and destruction into our lives. I believe that everyone knows the pain of having hurtful and destructive things spoken to them. If we all take a good look at our lives we can see not only how words have shaped our lives, but how they have shaped us...our personality, and how we deal with things. So, please remember the pain hurtful words have caused you, and choose to speak life into the lives of others and into your own life as well. We can choose to accept or to cancel out what has been spoken to us and over us. Pain doesn't go away over night, but with persistence and a healing hand from the Lord we can be made whole again.

The Knowledge Of Good And Evil: Part 1

     Ok, so I know that I started this series once before, but here we go. Every time I think I'm done with this paper I see more that I want to work on in the paper. So, I'm going to just go ahead a post what I have on it...I'd say I'm done this time, but I know better than that...lol. I hope that you will enjoy reading this series.

I recently was reading over the fall of man, and how the devil deceived Eve into eating the forbidden fruit in the garden. Now, Adam and Eve were already experiencing good. They received of the goodness of God, but because they had no reference point, they did not know that they were experiencing the goodness of God. The way it has been explained to me, which I have found to be very helpful, is to compare it to a baby. When a parent feeds, clothes, and takes care of an infant, the baby is experiencing good, but does not understand that what he or she is experiencing is called good because he/she has never experienced good before. The same principal can be applied to evil. So, when Adam and Eve partook of the forbidden fruit from "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil" (Genesis 2:17) they had an awakening of the knowledge of good and evil. While reading about Adam and Eve I saw some similarities between the hardships that they went through and that of the hardships of a survivor of abuse. The things that I’m going to write about can be applied to many areas of our lives, and is not limited to people who have suffered through abuse. I’m relating this to the area of abuse due to the experiences that I’ve had in my own life, and the things that I have learned along the way. So, let’s dive right into it. 

 

Here's how the fall of mankind happened: 

 

First, God gave a commandment to Adam saying, "Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die" (Genesis 2:16, 17). Then in Genesis 2:18 Eve was created, “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet [aid] for him”.  Adam called her woman because she was taken out of man, and was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh (Genesis 2:23). So, Eve was created AFTER God gave the commandment to Adam about not eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. It is a widely held assumption that Adam had to have told Eve about God’s commandment, and we can only assume that there was some kind of miscommunication about what God had said due to what seems like a slight misunderstanding of God’s commandment that we will see here shortly. 

 

Now, enters Satan in the form of a serpent set out to deceive, and this is where it gets interesting. Genesis 3:1 says, “Now the serpent was more subtil [cunning/crafty] than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he [the devil] said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?” Here we see the devil misquoting God and saying the complete opposite of what God really said.  

 

This is where Eve gets into some trouble because this is where we see she has a misunderstanding of God's word. Eve also miss-quotes God by saying in Genesis 3:2-3, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die". The miss-quote here is where Eve says they are not even allowed to touch the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil without dying. This is where we see that there must have been some kind of miscommunication between Adam and Eve. Perhaps in his zeal to convey to Eve just how important it was to not eat the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil he told her to just leave it alone and to not even touch it. The Bible does not record how that conversation went, so that is just a huge guess on my part. 

 

Now, Satan sees that he can exploit and deceive Eve because of a weakness that he perceives in her understanding of God's word. Hosea 4:6 tells us that God’s people are destroyed because of their lack of knowledge. Satan comes back at Eve with this contradiction to God's word, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil" (Genesis 3:4-5). So, Satan tells Eve that not only will she not die if she eats this fruit, but that if she does eat it that she will become like God.

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The Knowledge Of Good And Evil: Part 2

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Genesis 3:6-11; 17-19 tells the rest of the story that I want to look at:

 

"(6) And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. (7) And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. (8) And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden. (9) And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? (10) And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. (11) And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? (17) And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; (18) Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shall eat the herb of the field; (19) In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return". 

 

There are several things that I want to take a look at here. The first thing is that Eve saw the fruit and saw that it looked good to eat. Eve probably took the fruit in her hands and gave it a good looking over. If you'll remember, Eve told the serpent that they couldn't eat or touch the fruit of that tree without dying. So, when she didn't die from touching the fruit, doubt of God's word probably set in. Eve also fell prey to these three things that can get anyone into trouble: (1) lust of the flesh, (2) the lust of the eyes, and (3) the pride of life. These three things the Bible says are not from God but is of this world (1John 2:16 “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world”). First Eve fell prey to the lust of the eyes. She looked at the fruit, and it became desirable to her. She then lusted after it which is the lust of the flesh. In other words…she wanted it; she wanted to be like God. She wanted to have the knowledge that God has, and I think there was probably some jealousy and pride involved here in wanting to be like God; this is the pride of life. So, not only did she eat the forbidden fruit, but she gave it to Adam to eat as well. Proverbs 1:7 tells us, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge”. While Psalm 111:10 puts it this way, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments…”.  So, this begs the question…where was their fear of the Lord at on that day, in that moment of time, when they ate of the forbidden fruit? I’m not sure I have the answer to that. My best guess would be in that moment of time the lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, and the pride of life was greater than their fear of the Lord in that brief moment of time (something that happens to us all when we are blinded by our desires). Which I then believe came crashing down when they realized what they had done. 

 

Here comes the wake-up call that I'm sure they instantly regretted. They suddenly knew what it meant to be naked, and had the full knowledge of what good and evil was. They were afraid because of their disobedience towards God. They tried to cover themselves up, and tried to hide from the presence of God. They didn't have to tell God what they had done because their actions spoke for themselves, and it was a sign to God of their disobedience. Adam and Eve’s actions spoke to the fact that they disobeyed God’s commandment, and likewise it would have been their actions afterwards that would have spoken of repentance.  

 

Now, after the fall of Adam and Eve the Bible no longer talks about God coming down and walking openly with Adam and Eve. It’s not that God didn’t want to come down and walk with them, but it is that he no longer could because of the sin nature that was now in them. Before their fall they were in a sinless state of being, and because there was no sin in them they could see the face of God and live. Exodus 33:20 says, “And he [God] said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live”. It’s the sin nature that is within us that makes it impossible for us to stand face to face before a Holy God and live. Yet, due to his love, mercy, and grace for them (and us) God withdrew his physical presence from Adam and Eve so that they could re-cultivate their relationship with him. I believe that God may have kept his spiritual presence (his Spirit) with them, but just withdrew his physical presence from them. Romans 5:20 states, “…where sin abounded, grace did much more abound:”, and Romans 6:23 states, “For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life though Jesus Christ our Lord”. This verse in 2 Peter 3:9 drives it home…and it says, “The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is long-suffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance”. God loves us all and desires to give us all a chance to come to repentance and into a right relationship with him. This is why I believe God withdrew his physical presence from Adam and Eve in the garden.

The Knoledge Of Good And Evil: Part 3

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While I was reading over all of this it occurred to me how naive and trusting they were. After all they had no knowledge or understanding of evil. All they had ever experienced was a loving and caring God who was taking care of them and looking out for their best interest. They had no concept of deceit and betrayal. I doubt that it ever occurred to Eve that the serpent was laying a trap for her. 

 

Adam and Eve paid a high price for the knowledge of good and evil. Through their disobedience, sin and death entered into the world when they ate of the fruit, and because they now had sin in their lives God could no longer walk with them face to face. They experienced a spiritual death/disconnect from God first, and then a physical death at the end of their lives. When they experienced that first spiritual disconnect from God they no longer had that intimate relationship with God that they once had. Atonement for their sins, and for all who would come after them, now had to be made. God had to make a way for us to gain back our spiritual lives in Him. We see signs of the first animal sacrifice in Genesis 3:21”Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them”. God had to first kill the animals in order to make the clothes. After this point in the Old Testament we see animal sacrifices as a way to seek redemption for our sins. However, it's not until the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ do we receive God's perfect plan for forgiveness of our sins, and to be fully reconciled with a Holy God. Ever since sin and death entered into the world mankind has been seeking a way to regain a personal/face to face relationship with God. In the Old Testament, and even today people can gain a personal relationship with God through faith. Genesis 15:6 talks about how Abram’s (Abraham’s) faith was counted as righteousness because he believed God, “And he [Abram] believed in the Lord: and he [the Lord] counted it to him [Abram] for righteousness”. Ephesians 2:8, 9, 13 says, “(8) For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: (9) Not of works, lest any man should boast. (13) But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh [near] by the blood of Christ”. I recently heard someone put it this way…when we go to God and repent of our sins; God looks at us as though we have never sinned. How amazing is that!!! When we repent of our sins and ask for forgiveness, for which God is faithful to forgive, we can then stand before him blameless and sinless. Do you fully realize what that means? It means that we can have a personal/face to face relationship with God; for which we can cry Abba Father (Romans 8:15) and know that he is near to us at all times.  

 

Now, along with this hindered relationship with God, Adam and Eve had to leave the Garden of Eden...the only home they had ever known. Genesis 3:22-23 says, “And the Lord God said, Behold the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever: Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken”. When they sinned, sin didn’t just enter into them and all who would come after them, but the whole world as well. To make this case I’d like us to take another look at Genesis 3:17-19 which says, “And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out if it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return”. In my opinion, it’s not that God is cursing the ground, but that he is stating the consequences of their disobedience, or another way to look at it is that God was prophesying over them. Since sin entered into the world, and not just Adam and Eve, the ground is now not going to be as easy to take care of and won’t provide in the ways that it otherwise would have. This is why Adam was going to have to work hard all the days of his life to survive, and why the ground was now going to bring forth thorns and thistles. Now, God is still God, and still providing for their needs. However, it is now more of a faith walk than it was before the fall of man (Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen”). Adam and Eve had to trust through faith that God would provide for their needs as they did what they were called to do in their lives. Just as Adam and Eve had a lifetime of hard work to survive so too does a survivor to heal. Healing is a difficult process, and for some will last a life time. Things that once were easy for a victim of abuse suddenly become much more difficult. For most healing doesn’t happen overnight, and any ground gained must be maintained if we wish to continue to move forward in our healing. It can seem like a never ending process…gaining new ground while maintaining that which we have already conquered.  

 

God really gave me new insight while read the book of Joshua in the Bible. To me the whole book is about going and possessing the land which God had promised, and about walking in the promises of God. Here is one of the lessons that I have learned…you cannot go and posses the land without there being a battle that has to be first fought and then won. If we as survivors wish to heal and to be able to move on with our lives we have to fight for it. You can’t put half an effort into healing; you have to put your whole heart and everything you have into it. With every battle that I’ve fought I’ve won new ground. With every new ground that has been won I have had to work (and work hard at times) to maintain the new ground won. If I don’t go and possess the land (the new ground won), then I’m in real danger of losing the victory that has just been won. I know at times it seems like one big battle after another with no rest in sight, but there are times of rest. Once the ground has been won and maintained, then there is rest. I love what Joshua 1:13 says, “Remember the word which Moses the servant of the Lord commanded you, saying, The Lord your God hath given you rest, and hath given you this land”. God has given me victories and with those victories comes rest. Hallelujah! Praise God! Some more great news is that I have not fought any of these battles on my own. God has always been by my side fighting these battles with me. I like what Joshua 23:3 says when talking about all the victories that God had given the children of Israel, “And ye have seen all that the Lord your God hath done unto all these nations because of you; for the Lord your God is he that hath fought for you”. I know that my God has fought for me, and will continue to fight for me! I also find comfort in Joshua 21:45, “There failed not ought [word] of any good thing which the Lord had spoken unto the house of Israel; all came to pass”. I know that as a child of God, he has spoken good things over my life. Every good thing that God has spoken over me will come to pass. I know it won’t all happen overnight, but it will happen…that’s a promise I can hold onto and count on.

The Knowledge Of Good And Evil: Part 4

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Evil is such a heavy burden to those who have experienced it. If you doubt this, just ask anyone who has survived abuse, war crimes, torture, rape, or any other evil act that is out there. To a victim and a survivor it's like suddenly becoming intimately aware about what evil truly is, and no matter how hard you try to erase this knowledge from your mind it will always be there.  

 

I'm going to use sexual abuse as my example here, since this is the experience that I have had. Once you've been violated like that, it's like a whole new world has been opened up to you…one that is harsh and unforgiving; a world where the innocent is suddenly the guilty. Those who prey on others are crafty and sly in all their ways; just as the serpent was with Eve in the garden (Genesis 3:1 “Now the serpent was more subtil [cunning/crafty] than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made”). Sexual abuse is not just a crime against the body, but against the soul as well. The survivor is left feeling like they have caused this evil to come upon themselves somehow. Always wondering what it was that they did to bring about and to deserve such evil; that they must be the guilty one somehow. After all we must have done something to deserve it, or it wouldn't have happened...that's what our mind tells us anyways. We feel dirty and unworthy of love. How can we expect a Holy God or anyone else to want to have anything to do with such trash and filth? Oh, the lies...the lies we tell ourselves...the lies the devil whispers into our spirit. We can end up with such a disconnect between our hurting soul and a Holy and Loving God who cares for us. We find ourselves both searching for God and hiding from him. We search him out because we long to feel whole again, but hide because of the shame that we feel. For far too long I walked around feeling like a leper in hiding…normal looking on the outside, but disease ridden on the inside. It’s so hard to feel normal. Well, maybe I’m not, and will never be totally normal; and that’s ok because I know that God has a plan for my life. In Jeremiah 29:11 God tells me, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you…thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end”. He has plans to bless me and the struggles that I’ve been through. For God uses our trials and hardships to develop our character and to strengthen our faith. It will be the path that takes us from who we are to who we will become. 

 

      There are far too many victims of abuse whose family members would rather deny the abuse than have to deal with it. The very ones who were supposed to rally around the victim to help them fight; instead turn a blind eye, let it continue, or just deny the fact it even happened. I am thankful that my family believed me when I spoke up, but there are far too many victims who are not believed when they speak out. The victim can become the outcast of the family, and in some cases the victim gets disowned. Some victims find themselves on their own because they had to move out for simply speaking the truth of what happened to them. So many people wonder where God could be, but here is the truth of it all...Jesus came to set us free from sin, our past, our hurt, our sicknesses, from everything that keeps us from having a personal and intimate relationship with God. In 2 Corinthians 1:3 we are told that God is the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort. If we come to the cross, and lay our burdens down at the feet of Jesus he will be faithful to take our burdens upon himself...he will heal us of our pain. I've been there, and it's the most beautiful place to be; to lay it all out in front of God, and to feel peace take over the hurt and the pain. If you are angry at God for all the pain in your life please read this other post of mine by clicking [here]. In the post I talk about mankind’s free will…you see God freely loves us, and wants us to freely love him in return. That’s why he gave us free will. We can do all kinds of things with our free will. We can choose to either harm others, or to do good to others. We can choose to curse or to bless others. We can choose to hate or to love. Our fee will empowers us to make choices. Which means that others can use their free will to either choose to do good to us or to do evil upon us. It is not God who makes the choice for us or for others as to what we will do with our free will. Our actions are our responsibility; just as the actions of others are their responsibility. I also share an experience I had while my aunt and her friend were praying for me. A vision God gave me of where he was and what he was doing while the abuse was going on. I hope you will read my post entitled “Do You Blame God ForThe Hurt In Your Life”. 

 

Let’s continue, and look at the innocence of a child...they are innocent in every way; they trust those who are in their lives to only do good to them, and not evil. They do not perceive that others may not have their best interest at heart.  A child does not have a concept of betrayal or deceit. I may not have been a young child when my step-dad, Jon, started abusing me, but I still trusted him. I trusted him to keep evil far from me. That even though he lied to others, I thought surly he would never lie to me in such a way as to bring harm and evil upon me. I was a teenager when the abuse started, and yes, perhaps I should have known better than to believe all the lies that Jon was telling me. It was so much easier to believe all the lies than to face the truth of being betrayed like that. I was naive and trusting...perhaps in the same way that Eve was naive and trusting of the serpent. I had no personal, intimate knowledge of evil at the hands of someone I knew and trusted. At a young age I had become aware that evil could be done by a stranger...when one broke into the apartment that my mom and I were living in when I was about 5 years old. I saw the two of them fighting, and when I screamed for my mom he let go of her and left. That somehow seems so different to me...we are taught to expect that a stranger might hurt us in such ways, but not that someone whom we trust would do so. Both are devastating!! It's like your eyes are opened to a personal knowledge of what evil truly is. It's an experience that weighs heavy on your soul, and you wish that it all could be taken away from you. I’m sure Adam and Eve felt the same way once they truly grasped the reality of what they had done. 

 

I will never be able to be totally free from the memories of this intimate experience with evil. But praise be to God! I can be free from the effects that were left behind. In God I can find the freedom to feel safe again, to be free from the nightmares, to find out who I truly am in the eyes of my creator, to feel loved and cared for, to see that I have worth and am worthy, for all the hurt to be carried away and replaced with healing. I have to allow the knowledge of the goodness of God to outweigh the knowledge of evil that was forced upon me. I choose to dwell on the goodness of a living God who is Holy, and whose express being is love.

I'm Still Here: Healing & Growing

     I know I haven't posted anything in a long time, but I want everyone to know that I'm still here. I'm a stay at home mom with 2 kids (ages 6 years old, and 2 1/2 years old), and they keep me busy...just the way I like it. I'm still healing and growing. I feel like I've made some good progress this summer, and I continue to get stronger. God is still God, and doing great works in my life. He's the one who deserves all the glory for the great victories in my life. There is a paper that I have written that I want to post, but it still needs some revising before I can post it. I hope to have some time to work on it soon.

I would like to end with these two scriptures:

Joshua 23:3 "And ye have seen all that the Lord your God hath done unto all these nations because of you; for the Lord your God is he that hath fought for you".

Joshua 21: 45 "There failed no ought of  any good thing which the Lord had spoken unto the house of Israel; all came to pass".

      This is what I would like for you to take away from those two scriptures: I know that my God fights for me, and that all the good that he has spoken over my life has and will come to pass. He is a great God, and faithful in all things. When you trust in him and put your life in his hands; the good that he will speak over your life will come to pass and it will not fail...for he is a God that fights for you, and loves you.

The Father's Love Letter

     The "Father's Love Letter" is from Father Heart Communications. It's a great way to show God's love for us by using scripture to write a love letter from God to us. So, without further adu...here it is:

My Child,

You may not know me,

but I know everything about you.

Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.

Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.

Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.

Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.

Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.

Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.

Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.

Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.

Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,

for all your days are written in my book.

Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth

and where you would live.

Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.

Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.

Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented

by those who don't know me.

John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,

but am the complete expression of love.

1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.

1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child

and I am your Father.

1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.

Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.

Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.

James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.

Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.

Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless

as the sand on the seashore.

Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.

Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.

Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you

with all my heart and all my soul.

Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.

Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,

you will find me.

Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you

the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.

Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you

than you could possibly imagine.

Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you

in all your troubles.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,

I am close to you.

Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,

I have carried you close to my heart.

Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away

every tear from your eyes.

Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain

you have suffered on this earth.

Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you

even as I love my son, Jesus.

John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.

John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.

Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,

not against you.

Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression

of my love for you.

1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved

that I might gain your love.

Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,

you receive me.

1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you

from my love again.

Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party

heaven has ever seen.

Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,

and will always be Father.

Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…

Will you be my child?

John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.

Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad

Almighty God

Father's Love Letter used by permission Father Heart Communications ©1999-2011 http://www.fathersloveletter.com/