An Opportunity For Forgiveness

     I would like share with everyone something that happened the week leading up to Easter. As I have said before, forgiveness is a choice we make, and I recently had an encounter with my mom which gave me the opportunity to live out all I have been saying in the last several postings. I'm going to say right now that I did not respond to her in the best of ways...to say the least.

     I was at church and missed Two calls from my mom. So, when I got back home I called her back. At first the conversation was going good, and then I sensed a change in her voice and could tell she was getting nervous about something. Then she said a series of statements that felt like a sucker punch. She asked me if I even cared if she lived in the same state as me. If I cared to have any kind of interaction with her, and if I even loved her at all. I really didn't want to answer her questions because I knew no matter how I were to answer them, if I were to be honest with her, it would only cause her more heart ache. So, I made the only statement that I could honestly make, for better or for worse she was my mom and I would always love her. She quickly discounted that, and basically said it didn't count. She then wanted to know if I had just resigned her off as my mom and nothing more...Someone to just put up with. Again, I knew answering those questions would only cause more heartache for her which I didn't want to cause. I also see those issues as MY ISSUES; for which I am responsible for dealing with, and working on improving on my own with no need to drag her into it.

     By now she had really hit some sensitive buttons of mine. She attempted to trigger me, and boy, oh boy did I ever jump in head first. I completely went off on her. I went into my bed room and locked the door. Where our conversation grew louder and louder till I found myself flat out screaming at her...and I do mean screaming. I said something along the lines that she was asking me to prove my love to her. For which she replied that she wasn't. I restated that in fact she had just asked me to prove my love to her by saying that me loving her because she is my mom didn't count. She wanted to know if I loved her because she could tell I've been angry at her over the past few years, and I don't get excited to see her. So, by now, I now have the attitude of...if you really want me to say it then FINE I'LL SAY IT!! I said to her, " What you want me to admit that I've been angry! Fine! I've been angry! I've been very angry, and I've also worked very hard at not being angry any more". The next thing I know I'm screaming at her several times, " If you can't accept the way I love you then that is your problem and not mine"! I also told her that her problem was she couldn't accept that I can forgive and move on. Something for which I again pointed out was her problem and not mine. I told her, I had forgiven her and was moving on from it. That just because I had forgiven her didn't mean that I have learned how to interact with her any better or that I was going to get it right all the time. There were many, many thing said that night. Naturally, I'm my view I did not say anything to her that wasn't true or didn't fit her. She even agreed with the things I was saying. HOWEVER!! I don't think it was right for me to have said a lot of what I said. It's not always right for us to say things to people; even when what we have to say is right. It wasn't my place; it wasn't my job to say those things. A lot of what I said to her are things that God has to work with her on. I can't change her. Only God can change her; only God can change me. Needless to say, it was very wrong of me to raise my voice and to scream at her in the way that I did.

    That night, for the first time in a while, I prayed "My Declaration", a prayer of forgiveness and healing towards her. I prayed it again in the morning. I knew I had to immediately forgive and let go of the situation that had just happened between us. The next day I talked with one of my Aunts about what had happened, and she told me to call my mom, to apologize for yelling, and to say to her "lets just start fresh from here". My flesh wanted to rise up, and say that she deserved for me to go off on her, I was right in everything I said, and I didn't want to call her. But I knew my Aunt, who is such a Godly woman, was speaking truth to me, and giving me right instruction. So, I did just that. I called my mom, asked her to forgive me for yelling at her, and asked if we could start fresh. My mom likewise, asked me to forgive her. I was so glad that I could sincerely and honestly tell her, I had already forgiven her. I had already prayed and laid it all down before God. Denying any root of bitterness from taking hold, and therefore denying any fruit of unforgiveness from coming forward. The root of bitterness comes forth and bears the fruit of unforgiveness. Which is why it's so important to keep bitterness from taking hold in us. I'm glad my mom and I have been able to forgive, and to move forward with our relationship.

New Link "MaleSurvivor"

     Today on Facebook Nicole Braddock Bromley, from OneVoice Enterprises, posted a link to an organization that seeks to help male survivors of sexual abuse of all ages. I took a quick look on their website, and would like to share it here on my blog. I have also placed a link to them on my Resource page. The organization is called MaleSurvivor. They have resources, links to help you find a therapist, and discussion boards to help survivors connect so they know they are not alone. They seek to help survivors to heal.

Forgiving The Seemingly Unforgivable

1.) Unforgiveness And Scorning
2.) My Declaration
3.) Some Of My Thoughts On Forgiveness
4.) Standing In The Gap


     I've been writing a lot lately about how I've been working on letting go of the anger and hurt I have towards my mom. I have those posts listed above in the order in which I posted them. If you haven't read them, I would like to suggest you take the time to read them because it will help you to better understand what it is that I will be saying in this posting. It will set the foundation for what you are about to read.

     In this posting I am going to be talking about the very delicate topic of forgiveness towards my abuser, and how that has played out in my life. It's one thing to talk about forgiveness towards someone who has hurt us deeply, which is difficult enough, but it's completely different when talking about someone who has done the unthinkable...the seemingly unforgivable. I know for many people using forgiveness in the same sentence as abuser/rapist/killer/_________ is tantamount to survivor heresy. I have decided to write about this because I feel it is just as vitally important as my struggle to let go of my anger towards my mom. I ask that you keep in mind that this is about MY LIFE, MY journey of healing, and about what I'VE learned along the way.

     I would like to start off by talking about forgiveness some more. I really feel like there are so many misconceptions that are deeply rooted in the way we as a society view forgiveness. In my view one of the biggest misconceptions is thinking forgiveness means that your're making what was said or done ok or even deserved by forgiving. That is not the case at all! It took me, personally, a long time to realize that. I did everything I felt I needed to do to forgive my ex-step-dad, and felt that I had. In many ways I had done a lot of forgiving towards him, healing, and moving on with my life. The problem was every time I felt I was about to be fully free from my past I would hit a wall that I couldn't get past and I didn't know why. There was a remnant that I just couldn't let go of no matter how hard I tried. Believe me when I say this caused problems in my life. My husband could see that I was ready to move on...that I was on the very verge of it, and, yet, there I stood. He saw me hit that wall time and time again...for years. Falling and picking myself back up. He grew frustrated with what he saw as not a lack of ability but a lack of willingness. He knew I was more than able and couldn't understand why I didn't move on because he knew that it was time for me to move on. I knew it was time for me to move on. And yet there I stood face to face with my wall. Unable to move it let alone tear it down. From my stand point it wasn't a matter of willingness, but of ability. I wanted so badly to let it all go, and to be able to be completely free from it all. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried to let go, the more it seemed to be glued to me. I didn't understand it, and didn't understand why I couldn't move beyond where I was at. I felt isolated, and alone. I no longer felt like I could share with my husband what I was going through...he was too overwhelmed by it. At this point my husband and I had been married about 8/9 years (we will be married 11 years this year). He's seen me struggle and fight this for our whole marriage. He's seen me at my lowest points and how it has changed me. I'm not the only one dealing with the affects of my abuse; he's dealing with it too in his own way. I believe that because of his love for me, seeing me go through all that I've been through, has been difficult and painful for him. My husband wants to see me healed and set free from it all, and it pains him to see me struggle with it. During this time I learned what it meant for my healing journey to be just between me and God. To fully rely on God for my healing. I couldn't look to my husband for my healing...it's beyond what he's capable of, unfair to him, and frankly not his responsibility. My healing is my responsibility and mine alone. God alone is the only place for me to rely on for my healing. Yes, my counselor, group counseling, and church all played an important role in my healing, but they are AVENUES that God used to bring about my healing, and I thank God for it all.

     Then one day I had a breakthrough. I Examined myself, and asked "what was I afraid of". I was somewhat shocked at the answers I gave myself because I didn't realize I felt the way that I did. I found I was scared. I was scared to fully let go because I was afraid that if I wasn't screaming from the mountain tops what Jon, my abuser, had done was wrong then who would; if no one is standing up saying it was wrong does that suddenly make what he did ok, and even deserved. These were my fears. I had to realize that wrong will ALWAYS be wrong whether I stand on the mountain tops or not. I also had to realize no matter what, I did not deserve for him to do all the things that he did. That it will NEVER be my fault or deserved. Once that settled in my heart, I no longer felt I had to stand and scream from the mountain tops. I could let it ALL go, be at peace, finally be healed, and move forward with my life. I finally felt FREE!!! There is such a difference between the abuse being something that was a part of my life, verses a part of my life that was RULING over me. It no longer rules over me, but I rule over it. My past is just that...my past, and what a freedom it is! When dealing with the anger I had towards my mom, I had to ask myself that same question. So, to you I ask, "What are you afraid of" when it comes to letting go of the remnant that you are holding onto...from the seemingly small things in your life to the seemingly unforgivable?

     One of the hardest aspects of forgiveness is simply being willing to forgive. Being so angry and hurt you don't even want to forgive. Holding onto self justification of anger, hurt, rage, hatred. Forgiveness is not even about whether or not we are justified in the way we feel because chances are we are more than justified. Forgiveness is about releasing the poison of unforgiveness that is within us. Releasing ourselves from our own anger, hurt, rage, hatred, and more. I've been in that place where I was so angry that I didn't want to forgive. So, for me, forgiveness was about acknowledging that unforgiveness was not part of God's plan for me and my life. I would go to God in prayer; acknowledge my feels, and ask God to help me get rid of them. I also acknowledged to God that I knew unforgiveness was not part of his plan for me, and I would ask him to help me not just to forgive but to be willing to forgive. I would go to God time and time again asking him to help me forgive Jon. In the beginning it didn't seem like any forgiveness was going on, but over time I could tell that bit by bit I was forgiving Jon. Now, forgiveness does not necessarily mean the feelings of hurt and anger won't come back from time to time when someone has done the seemingly unforgivable...memories can be painful and carry the hurt right along with them. When those feelings creep back in I find myself before God asking him to help me forgive. Forgiveness does not mean that we deny our feelings, but, rather, that we experience them without dwelling and wallowing in them. Once we acknowledge our emotions and feelings, forgiveness says "I choose to release those feelings, to not allow it to poison my life, and to allow God to take care of it all". Forgiveness is a process, and I'm glad to say that I have allowed myself to go through that process. It doesn't always happen over night, but it does happen over time.

     In my last posting "Standing In The Gap" I talked about praying for those who have wronged or hurt us. I can say that in my journey to forgive Jon I have even prayed for him. It wasn't the kind of prayer where I spoke out of anger asking God to strike him dead on the spot. Instead I acknowledged God as the only one who can change Jon, and can take the evil out of his heart. God is the only one who can change Jon, and turn him into someone who is not a threat to others (in my opinion). Now, I am in no way implying that Jon should ever be trusted around kids (especially teenagers). I know that God can absolutely change the kind of person Jon is. I also know that for me personally it would be hard for me to be able to trust Jon that the changes came from God, and not Jon trying to come off as someone who he isn't. I'm just being completely honest here. I've watched Jon too many times tricking people into thinking he's someone other than who he really is, and I'm not willing to take any bets on if a change in him is true or not. Just because I can't trust any changes in Jon doesn't mean that I can't acknowledge there is a great and mighty God who can change him. While I was praying for God to help me forgive Jon; I was also praying for God to change Jon...that Jon may NEVER hurt anyone like he hurt me again.

     I had to see how my anger was affecting my life. How holding onto my anger made it easy for me to be angry at others...even my own kids. When I have anger built up on the inside it doesn't take much to push that button, and cause me to be on edge / cranky (to put it nicely) towards others. I especially had to see this when it came to letting go of the anger I had towards my mom. Forgiveness is a choice we make for ourselves because in the long run we are the ones who benefit the most from it. I know a lot of people get hung up on saying the person isn't worthy of their forgiveness. Well, to be honest here, forgiveness really isn't about that either. Forgiveness isn't about whether they deserve it, are worthy of it, or even about us being justified in the way we feel. Forgiveness really is about us giving a gift to ourselves. I like a quote that Joyce Meyer said recently, "Peace was more valuable to me than my anger". That right there is pretty much what forgiveness boils down to...having peace verses having anger. Having peace was more important to me than holding onto the anger I had towards Jon. Not a day goes by that I'm not glad I chose peace over anger.

     What I would like for you to take away from all of this is, it is possible to forgive even when someone has done the seemingly unforgivable. That it is possible to live your life free from hurt and anger...you don't have to carry it for the rest of your life. The choice is yours to make, and only you can make that choice.

Can't Get Over You By: Anthem Lights

     Wow!! This is such an awesome song. I am in such awe over all that God has done in my life; it cuts right down to the very core of me. There is nothing like being in the presence of God. How his love wraps all around you. One of the parts of this song that I love so much is when it says "hold me pull me just a little bit closer I don't want to lose this moment Your love has covered me And now I can't get over you...I just can't get over you". This whole song is just awesome to me. This may sound silly to many, but it truly amazes me all that God has done for me, and all that I know God still has planned for me. I know God has great things planned for my life, and while I enjoy every bit of this season in my life I also wait with anticipation for the things yet to come. I hope that you all enjoy this song as much as I do, and that you get as much out of this song as I do.

Real Me By: Natalie Grant

     This is a great song. I don't know how many of you have ever felt like this, but I know I have. I know when I'm hiding behind my mask that God sees what's going on in the inside of me. He knows my struggles to open up to people and to really let them in...he knows my fears. He knows everything about me, excepts me for who I am, and loves me unconditionally.

Standing In The Gap

     I'd like to talk about standing in the gap for others. Sometimes when we are dealing with someone who is unhealthy, who plays an important roll in our lives, whether we want to keep them in our lives or not, forgiveness just doesn't seem to be enough. Sometimes it feels like every time we have to deal with that person we are hurt. I know that I have felt that way about my mom. At times I would feel so discouraged because it seemed like when she was around others she can be "normal", but around me all I would get is her dysfunction. I felt like I was her emotional dumping ground. I think that in situations like this it's important to keep bitterness from getting a hold of us. Bitterness like unforgiveness is destructive in our lives because it affects the way we perceive people and treat them.

     I think some times in situations where we are constantly hurt by the same person(s), saying "I forgive" may not be enough to keep bitterness from taking root, and that we need to take it a step farther by praying for them. I know how hard that can be. I'll be the first to admit that my prayer life is lacking, and I find it difficult to set time aside to pray one on one with God. I do, however, talk to God as I go about my daily business. I believe in the power of prayer. As a Christian I've been taught that its good to pray for others; especially those who have hurt or wronged me. That in fact one of the best things that I can do for someone is to pray for them. Now, I can tell you that I know very little about standing in the gap and praying for others, but I do believe that it's the best way to keep bitterness and unforgiveness from taking root in our hearts. I'm not talking about just throwing up some prayer that says, "Oh, God! Help them!" or "Oh, God! You better get a hold of them!". I'm talking about some serious prayer on their behalf. Now standing in the gap isn't just for those who have hurt or wronged us; it is also for friends and family members who are going through a difficult time....for anyone.

Ephesians 6:12-18 (King James Version)

"¹² For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, ¹⁵ and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; ¹⁶ above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. ¹⁷ And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; ¹⁸ praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints—"

     As Ephesians 6:12 has pointed out...there can be a spiritual aspect or drive behind what people say and do. It is my belief that we sometimes have to address and deal with the spiritual aspect of that in prayer. To do spiritual warfare on their behalf. To go to God in prayer and ask that the assignments of the enemy be canceled; that he send his angels to do battle on their behalf. To declare victory in the name of Jesus. There is a very real enemy of our soul...the devil. The Bible says that he seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. Standing in the gap and praying for someone can feel like your taking back control. I know, for me at least, I felt like I was taking back control in a situation where I had previously felt a lack of control. When I started praying "My Declaration" (which I will re-post at the end) that is exactly how I felt. The situation with my mom felt out of control in many aspects. I cannot control her...what she says and does, and I sure didn't feel like I could control my feelings towards her. When I started praying for her...for God's restorative power in her life...I felt like I was taking back / gaining back control of my relationship with her. I also felt more in control of my feelings towards her. I felt a weight lifted off of me. I felt at peace. A peace that has stayed.

     I don't think standing in the gap in prayer for someone is all about asking God to change them. I think it's more about asking God to blesses them. To draw them closer to God. Praying the enemy doesn't succeed in their life. Asking God to help them overcome any issues or difficulties they may have in their lives. Especially the issues or difficulties they have which hinder you from having a good relationship with that person. I encourage you to stand in the gap for someone.

     Here is "My Declaration" (as posted before) as an example of how I've been standing in the gap for my mom. I have put the words in bold that I would like to draw your attention to as the parts that I feel are the areas where I was standing in the gap for her.

I speak to the Spiritual and Heavenly realms in the name of Jesus. I declare forgiveness be applied towards my mom and in my life. I free her of my anger, hurt, feelings of blame and of betrayal, and of my judgments. I ask you Father God to forgive me for my unforgiveness, judgments, and scoring. I ask that you release me from my judgments. I declare healing over both of our lives. I speak love, life, healing, happiness, and forgiveness over my mom’s life. I declare now in the name of Jesus that she is able to forgive just as she has been forgiven. That she is set free from her anxiety, fears, and traumas; that the power they hold over her life be broken. That her spiritual senses be reawakened so that she can hear you, Lord, calling her back to, you, her first love. That she will be able to feel worthy of your forgiveness, and be able to accept the forgiveness that you have paid such a high price for. That she starts to walk in the destiny that you have prepared for her. Again, I speak forgiveness and healing over my mom and myself. I choose to honor her for giving me life. I speak to my feelings of anger, hurt, blame, betrayal, and to my judgments. I thank you for helping me to protect myself, but I break agreement with you now in the name of Jesus. I will choose forgiveness because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I bless myself to receive the power of the Holy Spirit to govern my thoughts, words and actions. I declare that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the likeness of Jesus and that His love flows through me. I speak to my Spirit and I say receive all the blessing of Jesus that He has purposefully designed for you today. I speak to my body and I say receive health today and nourishment and be well and strong and receive every blessing that flows from the cross where Jesus died and paid for you. Finally, I speak to my heart and say You are loved by Jesus and accepted by Jesus so rejoice! I declare these things in Jesus name. Amen.

Safe Helpline

     The Department of Defence (DoD) has teamed up with RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) to provide a live 24/7 hot line for members of the US Military and DoD workers who have become victims of sexual assault. This new hot line is called the Safe Helpline and their phone number is (877) 995-5247. Their website (safehelpline.org) also provides online support if you don't want to talk on the phone. As always if you are in immediate danger dial 911 (inside the US). The Safe Helpline is operated by RAINN.

Some Of My Thoughts On Forgiveness

     Choosing to forgive is hard especially when you have been so deeply wounded by someone. There is a saying about unforgiveness that I like, "unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to be affected" (I don't know who the quote is by). There is also a saying from the Nickelodeon kids cartoon "Avator: The Last Airbener", that I like, Aang when talking about revenge says, "Revenge is like a two headed rat viper. While you watch your enemy go down your being poisoned yourself". When Zuko says that forgiveness is the same as doing nothing, Aang replies, "No it's not. It's easy to do nothing. It's hard to forgive". It takes real courage to forgive when you feel such hurt and pain.

     I think there are some preconceived notions about forgiveness that become a hindrance to many. Webster's New World College Dictionary (4th edition) states "forgive" as "(1.) to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; pardon (2.) to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for (an offense); over look (3.) to cancel or remit (a debt)". In most cases I think Webster's definition of forgive is pretty accurate for the most part, but when it comes to forgiving someone who has done the unthinkable I find it lacking. In the book Toxic Parents the author, Susan Forward, had this to say about forgiveness, "I came to realize that there are two facets to forgiveness: giving up the need for revenge, and absolving the guilty party of responsibility" (pg. 178). I think this is how most people look at forgiveness, and it posses a real stumbling block for them. How can a person absolve someone of responsibility when they have done the unthinkable? I don't have an answer for that. After all, I held my abuser responsible for his actions by taking him to court. We all are not an island unto ourselves. There are real consequences to all we say and do. I personally feel that you can forgive someone and still hold them accountable for their actions. I believe that it is a personal choice if someone chooses to show grace and mercy to someone who has wronged them by whether or not they choose to hold the person accountable. I also see nothing wrong in allowing a person to reap the natural consequences of their behavior. To me that does not show a lack of forgiveness unless it is done out of a sense of getting back at that person. Wrong will always be wrong, and forgiveness doesn't change that. Forgiveness in many cases is acknowledging that the one who wronged us is not perfect and has made mistakes. In other cases forgiveness is saying that you will not allow unforgiveness to poison your life, and it is something that you do for yourself and not for the one who wronged you.

     I'd like to share with you what forgiveness looks like to me:
           1.) Forgiveness MEANS: to let go of anger, hurt, judgments and the need for revenge. To place the situation in God's hands.
           2.) Forgiveness DOES NOT MEAN: (a.) that you have to forget, (b.) that you have to stay friends with that person, (c.) that you can't hold the person accountable or responsible for their actions because actions have consequences. (d.) it does not mean that what they did was ok
     To me if I have wronged someone I need to not only ask for their forgiveness, but I need to seek God's forgiveness as well because he is the only one who can truly absolve me of my guilty status, and so it is with those who have wronged me. I can forgive them. I can choose to show them grace and mercy (or choose to hold them accountable), but it is God who is their judge...not me. God is the only one who can fully absolve someone of the wrong they have done, and even then God may choose to allow the person to reap the consequences of their actions.

Galatians 6:7,8 (New Living Translation)

"Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit". 

     If God allows us (or the one who wronged us) to experience the consequences of our actions (or of their own actions) it does not mean that God did not grant us (or them) forgiveness. God is always faithful to forgive when we ask him to.

1 Jon 1:9 (King James Version) 

"If we confess our sins, he [God] is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness".

     I am not perfect. So for me, most of the time forgiveness is acknowledging that others are not perfect either, and allowing them to be human...mistakes and all. In other cases, like with my abuser, forgiveness is about not letting what he did to me poison my life.

    Most importantly I hope that this view of forgiveness is ok in the eyes of God. Secondly, I hope that it is able to help some of you to step out and to forgive. This may not be a perfect view of forgiveness, but it is one that has helped me tremendously. I have found freedom in forgiving others, and I hope you will too.

My Declaration

     I believe in the power of words. I believe that with my words I can either store up and bind unforgiveness or I can release forgiveness. I believe that people can either speak blessings or curses. I believe that with my words I can change how I feel about things.

Proverbs 18:21 (New Living Translation)

"The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences".

     I also believe that forgiveness is a choice. That I can choose to speak forgiveness towards my mother, and that over time the feeling of forgiveness towards her will come. I know that forgiveness isn't always instant. With Jon, my abuser, I had to forgive him daily for a long time, and there are still times when memories come to mind where I have to forgive him all over again. It can be an on going process, and so it will be with my mom. 

Deuteronomy 5:16 (New Living Translation)

"Honor your father and mother, as the LORD your God commanded you. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you".

     Deuteronomy 5:16 is the first commandment with a promise. To honor our parents that we may have a long life. As one of my Aunts recently said to me, "we aren't commanded to honor only good moms, but to honor our mom" (paraphrased). I don't have to honor her bad choices or bad behavior, but there are things about her that I can find to give her honor. For instance, I can choose to honor her for giving me life. It is because she gave me life that I am able to be a wife and mother, and am able to enjoy the life that I now have. I can honor her for always keeping a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my body, and a wide range of material things. I can choose to honor her in those ways with out condoning the areas for which I have been hurt. I will choose to honor her not only because I am commanded to so do, but because I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. Romans 13:7 talks about giving honor to where honor is due, and that is what I'll do...give honor in the areas where it is due.

Romans 13:7 (King James Version)

"Render therefore to all their dues: tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor".

     In my last post I said that I would share with all of you my plan for forgiving my mom. With some help from my Aunt I have written a declaration that I have printed out, and taped up on the wall in my closet. I plan on reading it daily if I have to. Before I share it with all of you I'd like to take a moment to talk about declarations. For me personally, I have decided to write a declaration of forgiveness, blessings, and healing. This is what I have chosen to do to walk out the forgiveness path that I have chosen. This is not something that I am pushing on anyone. I am simply sharing with all of you what this part of my healing walk looks like. I believe that declaring forgiveness, blessings, and healing can be powerful, and in its self healing for the person speaking it. I start off my declaration speaking to the Spiritual and Heavenly realms because I am choosing to stand on the authority given to me as a child of the Most High God.

 

My Declaration

I speak to the Spiritual and Heavenly realms in the name of Jesus. I declare forgiveness be applied towards my mom and in my life. I free her of my anger, hurt, feelings of blame and of betrayal, and of my judgments. I ask you Father God to forgive me for my unforgiveness, judgments, and scoring. I ask that you release me from my judgments. I declare healing over both of our lives. I speak love, life, healing, happiness, and forgiveness over my mom’s life. I declare now in the name of Jesus that she is able to forgive just as she has been forgiven. That she is set free from her anxiety, fears, and traumas; that the power they hold over her life be broken. That her spiritual senses be reawakened so that she can hear you, Lord, calling her back to, you, her first love. That she will be able to feel worthy of your forgiveness, and be able to accept the forgiveness that you have paid such a high price for. That she starts to walk in the destiny that you have prepared for her. Again, I speak forgiveness and healing over my mom and myself. I choose to honor her for giving me life. I speak to my feelings of anger, hurt, blame, betrayal, and to my judgments. I thank you for helping me to protect myself, but I break agreement with you now in the name of Jesus. I will choose forgiveness because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I bless myself to receive the power of the Holy Spirit to govern my thoughts, words and actions. I declare that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the likeness of Jesus and that His love flows through me. I speak to my Spirit and I say receive all the blessing of Jesus that He has purposefully designed for you today. I speak to my body and I say receive health today and nourishment and be well and strong and receive every blessing that flows from the cross where Jesus died and paid for you. Finally, I speak to my heart and say You are loved by Jesus and accepted by Jesus so rejoice! I declare these things in Jesus name. Amen.

Unforgiveness And Scorning

    I've been working through some things lately, and thanks to a conversation with my best friend I'm able to put some things into words. Sometimes just being able to put how you are feeling into words is half the battle. When I am able to put words to my feelings I then "feel" like I understand the reasons behind the emotions and feelings going on in my head. Once I have a better understanding of myself and why I feel the way that I do, I can then work on the issue. I'm a pretty analytical person...I like to know the who, where, why, and how of things.

     There are some things about my mom where I have been saying to myself, "It is what it is. Now onto the next thing". I thought I was working on acceptance towards her, however, the anger stayed. I've realized that even though I thought I was working on acceptance I wasn't dealing with all of the betrayal I have felt for so long. It's not just the betrayal either, but the judgement that goes with it. Thinking that she should have known better and should have made different decisions in many areas of MY LIFE, and forgetting that it was her life too. Judging her choices and decisions because they weren't what I think she should have done or should BE doing. Judging her for not being able to let go, forgive, and move forward when I have been unable to do the same concerning her. Then wallowing in my own self-justification of my anger and unforgiveness towards her. Allowing my anger to feed into more anger.

     Am I really justified in judging her the way that I do...no because I am not perfect. I do not make perfect choices, and how can I condemn her for something I find myself doing...harboring unforgiveness and not moving on.

Romans 2:3-5 (New Living Translation)

" ³ Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things? ⁴ Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? ⁵ But because you are stubborn and refuse to turn from your sin, you are storing up terrible punishment for yourself  ".

     What that verse is saying is, we will be judged in the same way in which we judge others, and that by holding onto those judgements we are storing up punishment for ourselves...ouch!! There is only one just judge and that is God. God has not put me here on this earth so that I may judge my mom (or anyone else). Am I allowed to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, and sad...yes, of course I am. I am allowed to have feelings and to feel the way that I do. However, I am not supposed to allow my feelings to harbour unforgiveness and judgement. I am to rule over my feelings, and not to have my feelings rule over me.

Luke 17:4 (New Living Translation)

"Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive”.

Matthew 6:14,15 (New Living Translation)

"¹⁴ If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins".

     Wow!! Matthew is such a powerful verse for me. I refuse to put my forgiveness of sins in jeopardy because I refuse to forgive someone of the wrong they have done. Forgiveness of my sins is way to precious to me to trade it in for unforgiveness. To me this verse is all about the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross. Jesus suffered being beaten BEYOND recognition, mocking, and Crucifixion on the cross so that everyone sins may be forgiven. Which means that not only did Jesus pay the price for my sins, but he paid the price of the sins of those who have wronged me. How can I then stand in a position of judgment as to who is worthy of forgiveness and who is not when it has already been decided and paid for...I can't and I have no right to; which is exactly what I think Matthew 6:14,15 is saying.

     So, now that we have established that I have no right to hold onto this unforgiveness lets get down to the nitty-gritty of it all. What keeps me from letting it go? What have I to fear? Here is some of what I have realized. One of the things that keeps me from letting go is wallowing in my self-justification of my judgement and anger towards her...it keeps the cycle going. If I justify her, then does that mean that I also justify all the ways in which she has hurt me and has failed to protect me? Since she failed to protect me from my abuse and failed to make choices that I feel could have prevented the abuse (and choices in general that I feel she should have made), and I absolve her of that; does it then mean that I deserved what happened to me? My anger towards her drives me to be a better mother to my children than she was to me. So, then what happens when that drive is gone? Will I fail to push myself to continue to find ways in which I can better myself as a parent? I suppose if I were to let it all go the world would not end, and there would be a brighter tomorrow. You see, I have to allow myself to realize that letting go of the anger, hurt, and judgement doesn't make what she has done ok or lessen the hurt that I have felt, and it certainly doesn't make the abuse ok. I have to allow her to be human...mistakes and all; and not expect her to be some kind of super-mom who was capable of stopping the unstoppable.

     I'd like to be honest with you here...I don't want to pretend like this is all easy for me. There have been lots of times when I don't want to give into forgiveness, and want to hold onto my anger. Despite what people may think, I don't want to forgive my mom for her sake...I'm doing it for mine. I have allowed my anger to progress to the point where if forgiveness really had anything to do with her, I don't know if I would even bother with it. Forgiveness benefits the person who is giving it more than the one who is receiving it. So, I will forgive her for my sake and for the sake of my girls. Unforgiveness is like a cancer that eats away at you. It eats away at your happiness, comfort, patients, and peace...all of which affects your relationships with others. There is a law in the Bible called the "Law of Sowing and Reaping". It states that you reap what you sow.

Galatians 6:7-10 (New Living Translation)

" ⁷ Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. ⁸ Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. ⁹ So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. ¹⁰ Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith".

     I don't want my children to feel about me the way that I feel about my mom, right now, later on in life when they are grown. If I continue on this path of unforgiveness and sowing the seeds thereof, I will reap a harvest of unforgiveness towards myself. I'm the only one who has the power to change that by choosing the path of forgiveness. So, I will push myself out of my comfort zone to do what is right not only in the sight of God, but to do what is right for the sake of my kids.

     I would like to encourage you to deal with your anger now before it reaches the point at which mine is at. I feel like the Lord has shown me something about my anger and how far I have allowed it to take me. While I was reading my Bible the word "scorner" stood out to me. This is what Strong's Complete Word Study Concordance has to say, "...means to deride or to boast so as to express utter contempt. The activity of the scornful is condemned as an abomination to people (Pr 24:9) and contrary to the Law of the Lord (Ps 1:1)". The word "deride" means, "to speak of or treat with contempt, mockery, or ridicule; scoff or jeer at" (definition found on www.thefreedictionary.com). I would like to share some Bible verses that talk about the scorner...

Proverbs 9:8 (King James Version)

"⁸Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee".

Proverbs 9:12 (King James Version)

" ¹²If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: but if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it".


Proverbs 19:29 (King James Version)
"Judgements are prepared for scorners, and stripes for the back of fools".

Proverbs 21:24 (New Living Translation)

" ²⁴ Mockers [scorners] are proud and haughty; they act with boundless arrogance".

Proverbs 22:10 (King James Version)

"¹⁰Cast out the scorner, and contention shall go out; yea, strife and reproach shall cease".

Proverbs 24:9 (New Living Translation)

" ⁹ The schemes of a fool are sinful; everyone detests a mocker [scorner]".

     I believe that the Lord was showing me that this path can lead me down the path to becoming a scorner, and that in some ways I already am. It's a painful truth to see about one's self. I have been in the wrong for holding onto my unforgiveness and for scorning her, and it is something that I will take before the Lord and ask for His forgiveness. I know in my heart that I have spoken of my mom with mockery, ridicule, and have "boast[ed] so as to express utter contempt". I have treated her with contempt and ridicule at times. I have always tried to treat my mother as nicely as I could at any given moment, but that doesn't mean that my anger and hurt haven't shown through my actions and words. There are times when I feel so hurt and betrayed that forgiveness is beyond what I am capable of doing. It's at times like that where I know that Jesus and me hand in hand can do anything. I know that this has been such a long post, and I want to thank you for reading all of it. Just writing all of this has helped me to move forward. I hope to share more thoughts soon about how I plan on forgiving my mom. I know that with God's help I will be able to forgive her.

Philippians 4:13 (King James Version)

"¹³I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me".

Clarification On "Life And Death Are In Words" Post

     I just want to let everyone know that I wanted to clarify something on the posting "Life And Death Are In Words". So, here is a copy of the change I made:

" I don't want to get graphic, so I'll just say that I know more about the circumstances surrounding my conception than anyone should ever know (Now, here's a note: what I'm considering graphic most of you probably wouldn't consider graphic or not that graphic, but it's enough to gross me out)".

Life And Death Are In Words

     Our Words are so important, and I don't think that we realize just how big of an impact they can have on people. The words that we say can have lasting effects on those who hear them. Like wise the words we hear can have lasting effects on us. Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof". We all produce fruit with our words, and we will reap either the benefits or consequences of our words.

     It doesn't take much to leave a lasting impression. A few critical words can produce perfectionism in our lives that can drive us in a variety of unhealthy ways. For me, a memory that I remember very clearly is a time in which my step-dad, Jon, had asked me to do a chore...a few minutes later he came back to tell me to do a second chore. Then yet again a few more minutes went by and he came back to give me a third chore to do, and got mad and frustrated that I hadn't finished the first two chores. I was too slow, and should have been finished according to him. To be honest, I don't remember everything that he said to me over the years; I just remember how I felt. Not just his words, but his body language told me: I couldn't do things good enough; something would always be lacking. After all not everyone could be as brilliant as he was. You see, He sees himself as being far superior to those around him. I felt unwanted and alone. I wanted to feel like I was worthy of approval. This atmosphere fostered in me a sense of perfectionism. Which can work in one of two ways: (1) you work really hard to become an over achiever and (2) you become paralyzed and don't try. Starting in my pre-teen and teen years (probably even earlier) I worked so hard to be perfect...to fix everything. It took a huge toll on my health, and I ended up in my late teens through my early 20's having a lot of stomach issues. My body could no longer handle the stress and pressure of what was going on in my life. The older I've gotten the more my perfectionism paralyzes me. A chore or task will get so worked up in my mind to impossible standards that there is no way that I or anyone else would be able to preform at the level at which I hold myself accountable to. My own standards upon myself shuts me down, and I seek to be distracted from it. So, in times past, I have developed addiction cycles with watching t.v and with being on the Internet (mainly playing farmvile on facebook). The more overwhelmed I felt the more I sought to hide from it, and the more I hid from it the more over whelmed I felt. It's a vicious cycle that is hard to break. Over the years I have learned to tell when I start to feel like I'm going to shut down, and have learned how to take it one step at a time to keep from shutting down. I'm not perfect at it, but at least I'm working on it and making improvements.

     Another instance of the impact of words in my life would be yet another example of something my step-dad, Jon, said to me only a few times. He told me that he likes the out side lane on the highway because if someone tries to side swipe him/come into his lane he has an out/room to move to avoid being hit. Where as in the other lanes you can get boxed in with no where to go. I don't care much for driving on the highway or in traffic for that matter. When I'm surrounded by cars I start to feel a bit claustrophobic. I feel invisible and fear tries to work it's way in...that no one will see that I'm there and come into my lane and hit me. Granted some of these feelings probably come from feeling invisible most of my life, but his words triggered this particular fear of being surrounded by vehicles. When I get nervous my hands sweat which only makes me more nervous if I'm the one driving. If I'm not the one driving I'll hold onto my seat belt for dear life, or put my foot down like I'm stepping on the breaks, or how about this one...holding onto the door. My hands begin to sweat and my heart rate goes up. I feel a loss of control when I'm not the one driving and it scares me. As a teenager when ever I got out of the car, when my step-dad had been driving, I would swear to myself that I would never get back into a car with him again. His "aggressive" driving scared me, and I constantly thought that we were going to get into accidents. I have realized lately just how out of balance this "fear" has gotten, and it's something that I'm going to have to remedy.

     I want to give just one more example. I could give lots of examples...I've heard things that have affected the way I view eating, things about myself, and my life. This example comes from something my mom has told me. I don't want to get graphic, so I'll just say that I know more about the circumstances surrounding my conception than anyone should ever know (Now, here's a note: what I'm considering graphic most of you probably wouldn't consider graphic or not that graphic, but it's enough to gross me out). I know my dad had a five year waiting plan for kids, and that I was born before this five year plan was complete. I know that my mom wanted to have kids so bad that she was probably suffering from depression from not getting pregnant as fast as she had wanted. I know my mom meant no harm, but the things that she has told me left me feeling like I was unplanned and unwanted by my dad. I feared upsetting my dad, and that doing so would cause him to take his love and approval away from me forever. My parents divorced when I was two, and as far back as I can remember I have always been afraid of hurting my dad's feelings and of him taking his love away from me. I don't know at what age my mom started telling me about his five year plan and my conception, but I know that I was probably pre-teen or a teenager. I believe that somewhere I heard or was given the impression that I could lose my dad's love and approval forever at the youngest of ages. I may not have the memories to prove it, but I have a life time of fear that had to have been placed there somehow. It affected my relationship with my dad in that I didn't feel like I could be open and honest with him. I didn't feel like I could go to him in times of trouble and difficulties...let alone for help when life was a living hell.

     Words speak life and death into lives. We have to learn to accept words that are spoken to us that speak life into our lives, and how to cancel out the words that speak death and destruction into our lives. I believe that everyone knows the pain of having hurtful and destructive things spoken to them. If we all take a good look at our lives we can see not only how words have shaped our lives, but how they have shaped us...our personality, and how we deal with things. So, please remember the pain hurtful words have caused you, and choose to speak life into the lives of others and into your own life as well. We can choose to accept or to cancel out what has been spoken to us and over us. Pain doesn't go away over night, but with persistence and a healing hand from the Lord we can be made whole again.

Fall Apart by: Josh Wilson

     This really is a great song. I can really relate to the lyrics in this song..."My whole world is caving in but I feel you now more than I did then. How can I come to the end of me and some how still have all I need. God I want to know you more maybe this is how it starts I find you when I fall apart". God has never failed to show up during the times I've felt so lost and needed him to show me that he is still there. In fact some of the times in my life where I have experienced God like never before have been during the times that I've struggled the most. I know that when I am at my weakest God is at His greatest...this way there is no doubt that it's God working in my life, and I cannot take credit for something that he has done. I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do.

Remind Me Who I am by: Jason Grey

     I really like this song because I can relate to it so well. There have been so many times when I have asked God to show me who I am in him. Times when I have just felt so lost that I just needed God to reach down and tell me that he still sees me, and he never failed to do so. We all have had others give us labels and we have given labels to ourselves too...I love how at the end of this video all the labels are replaced with just one word...BELOVED! Even though I have come such a long way on my healing journey I can still feel something way deep down in me that is in awe and says "Wow, how can that be me...how can I be called beloved". Knowing that God loves me enough to call me beloved humbles me to my core, and at times brings me to my knees in tears. I am so humbled by and thankful for the love of God in my life. I want you to know that God loves you too and wants to call you his beloved as well. I hope you like and enjoy this song just as much as I do.

Feeling Out Of Place

     Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to socialize with people. I had a great time with my family on Thanksgiving, but I felt out of place and didn't know what to talk to people about. Telling potty training stories before sitting down to eat really isn't something that people are going to want to hear about before they eat. There is only so much to share when it comes to talking about the house that my husband and I just bought...which is such a blessing! While everyone was talking about how their year has been and all that is going on in their lives I was at a loss as to what to share. I love my life, but there isn't a lot to share. I could talk about all the great progress that I've made this year in my healing journey, but I can feel people getting physically uncomfortable as soon as I mention it. It's like the whole atmosphere changes. I know my family feels bad about what happened to me, and they probably just don't know what to say...which is what probably leads to that all around uncomfortable feeling in the atmosphere. Sometimes I wish that I could be more open with them and share with them what I've been through and the many ways in which I have healed. At the same time I tend to try to protect them from it. Healing isn't always pretty, and I don't want my family to hurt. It's something I try to carry on my own, and I don't want them to have to carry any of it. I guess I wish that I felt more comfortable talking to them about it, and that they felt more comfortable hearing about the healing journey.

Finding The Beauty In The Storm

     Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and it's that time of year when we think about all the things that we are thankful for. I'm thankful for so many things...my husband, kids, family, friends, my house, health, etc. I'd like to talk about some things you wouldn't expect to see on that list. I once over heard someone use the phrase "finding the beauty in the storm". It was just enough to catch my attention and to activate my imagination. I'd like to talk about some of the beauty that I've found in my own storm.

     Let me just say this before I get started. I would NEVER wish the things that I have been through on anyone!! There are, however, certain things about me that I otherwise wouldn't know about myself if I had not gone through the journey that I now find myself on. There is a saying that goes something like this: you don't know how strong you are until it's all you have left. I have found that I am so much stronger than I could have ever though possible. First and foremost I give God all the glory for the strength that I have found. At all times I find my strength in him; especially when I'm at my weakest.

     I am thankful for the strength that God has given me to get through court, to make it this far, and for strength yet to come. I knew court was going to be difficult, but as much as I tried to  mentally prepare myself I was still ill prepared for what I faced and the emotions that would surface. I knew Jon's attorneys would come at me hard, and that there would be very little that the District Attorney would be able to do to help me out while I was on the stand. I avoid confrontation when at all possible; so, as you can imagine I was quite nervous at the idea having to face Jon's attorneys and all the things that they might throw at me. So, when the time came I made sure I kept my guard up at all times, and listened very carefully to the words that came from Jon's attorneys. He starts out talking about one thing and then another, and twisting it all up so that it is almost impossible to follow his train of thought. All I know is that it sounded like he was trying to get me to say that I though that I was Jon's underage wife!!! I couldn't hardly believe that he had the nerve to even suggest such a horrid thing. Thinking about this still angers me, and makes me laugh. I'm feel insulted that he would even go there, and I laugh at the desperation it shows for him to even suggest such a thing. Jon's attorneys tried to get me to say that I'm delusional. Ha! Nice try, but I know what I know, and I know what happened to me. I never would have thought I could have stood up for myself the way that I did during court. Court by far is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. I am, however, grateful for the experience because it is also one of the things I am most proud of.

     I am thankful for all the insight that I have gained over the years. Getting to spot unhealthy aspects of my life, discovering what "healthy" should look like, being able to choose to stop being a part of unhealthy family cycles (I'm still working on this one, but doing good), and finding the joy in watching myself become the person who I know I'm meant to be. I am grateful for the work that God has done in me and in my life. For the ways in which my healing journey has brought me closer to God. I'm thankful for being able to find the beauty in my storm.

Dream Evolution

     Like most trauma survivors I have had over the years many haunting dreams. These dreams have evolved for the better over the years. When a survivor first starts their healing journey, it's so hard to swallow, the often given advice, "it gets better over time". There can be times when you wonder what does that mean anyway...nope, this is never going to go away, and this is as good as it's gonna get; so I better learn how to get used to feeling like this. I think a lot of people's despair comes from such a place as that. Thinking that the pain will never go away, and that they better get used to feeling like they are trapped in a dungeon cell and dying. Healing then becomes...a dream. Like one of those life long goals that some of us make that always seems to be unattainable for what ever reason...it becomes a fantasy that only happens in the fairy tails. Awe yes, that fairy tail fantasy called...healing.

     I can honestly say that it DOES get better over time...as long as...you are truly fighting for, seeking and receiving your healing. A person can hand you your healing on a silver platter, but if you don't accept and receive it...you'll never obtain it. I have found in my own healing journey there were just some things that I had to accept, and only with that acceptance was I able to move forward. Let me give you an example from my own life. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried I could only go so far in my healing, and I kept bumping into the same old wall unable to break through it. I knew I had more healing to do so I just couldn't accept where I was at. I knew I had to keep fighting for my healing. While doing some group therapy I had a revelation. I started to understand what that wall was all about that I kept running into. You see, I was afraid that if I fully and truly let go of it all it would some how mean that what Jon did to me was ok. That if I didn't scream it from the mountain tops that no one would. If I didn't stand up and say what he did was wrong no one would, and then by default what he did would no longer be wrong. I had to come to the realization on my own that wrong would still be wrong weather I scream it from the mountain tops or not. That God would always see what Jon did as being wrong, and that God would always be my vindicator. I took Jon to court and he was found guilty; so, I had to give myself some credit for standing up for myself and standing up to Jon. I had to ACCEPT these things so that I could let go and move forward in my healing. So, that is what I mean when I talk about accepting and receiving our healing. Some times we may have to accept some things (even things that may seem difficult or impossible to accept) in order to be able to take hold of our healing, to grasp it so we may receive it and walk in it. At least that is what I have found to be true in my own life and my own healing journey. It wasn't easy for me to let go of the need to scream it from the mountain tops and being the voice that said "what he did was wrong", but knowing the freedom that would come from letting go of the drive to do that made it all worth it. I can still be, however, that voice who tells of the misdeeds that were done in secret, and scream it from the mountain tops (if I so desire)...but it will no longer define the "rightness" or "wrongness" of what was done to me.

     Now, onto the topic...the evolution of my dreams. They started out, as you probably can guess, with Jon attacking me, and me trying to get away from him. There were times when the attacks felt so real that I could physically feel like I had been attacked after I woke up. Those kind of dreams can leave me feeling emotionally off for a few days. Slowly I start to fight back in some of those dreams, instead of just trying to get away. Then there are the dreams where I'm trying to convince my mom of what a bad guy he really is and she just doesn't get it, or she does and just doesn't care. I also have that same kind of dream but instead of just trying to convince my mom I'm trying to convince anyone and every one I see in my dream...usually I'm just ignored by everyone in these types of dreams, but at least I'm speaking out. Ah, yes, then there are the dreams where I'm trying to make my mom pick...it's either him or me, and she can't choose both. I usually loose out on these kind of dreams (she refuses to pick, has a mental break down, or just ignores what's going on...either way what ever the reason it doesn't work in my favor), but at least I'm taking a stand. There are also the ones where Jon has gotten out of jail and my mom still wants to be with him even though she knows what he has done. I will say that I have had a few dreams where my mom was trying to help me get him out of our lives by simply trying to get away from him. I have dreams where Jon is coming after me and I fight back. The things I do to him usually don't affect him in any way, and it's like I'm not even hitting him with anything. It's like no matter what I do it has no affect, and no one cares, but at least I'm fighting back. Some dreams that he is in aren't even about him...he is just another person in the dream (and that's just fine with me when you consider what the dream could be like); I do fine as long as he doesn't try to come near me, but as soon as he does I lose it in my dreams. The good ones are when I get right in his face and yell at him. These are the most common ones that I have these days. I tell him I'm not afraid of him, I'm not afraid of telling everyone, that I can't stand him, and that I want him to leave. His reactions to my words usually isn't the best. For example: in my last dream he swung at my head twice with a wooden base ball bat, but I went back after him with a metal one. So, as you can see, in my dreams, I'm becoming increasingly more bold and less afraid of fighting him. I can feel my confidence in facing him and taking him on in a fight growing in my dreams. However, after I've said what I had to say the dream usually ends right about that time; so, I have yet to get to see him turn around and actually leave, but I think I will one day.

     I have gone long periods of time with out having a dream with him in it. What I consider at this point to be a long period of time is anywhere from a few months to about six months (which I think is the longest that I've gone). A while back I noticed that I have dreams with Jon in them when I'm stressed out. So, now when I have a dream with him in it I know I am probably more stressed out than I think I am with what ever it is that is going on in my life at that time.

     What I would like for you to receive from this post is: yes in the beginning the dreams are very unpleasant to say the least, but I would like for you to see and to have the hope that it won't always be like that. The more I worked through the pain and hurt, the bolder I got in my dreams. The more I healed the more the dreams changed in my favor. I believe that one day they will stop all together, and that is my hope for you as well. That you will have your own dream evolution for the better, and one day they will stop for you as well.

Good Bye Missouri

      Good Bye Missouri. I will miss your beauty.

     One of the ups and downs of being a military wife is that we get to live in different places all over the world. The up side to it is getting to live in a variety of places (so far for us...Oklahoma to Germany and Missouri to Texas). We get to see and experience things that we otherwise would not have. The down side is having to say good bye to all the great friends we make along the way...although it's never really a good bye; it's just "until next time".

      Like so many, we went to Missouri "kicking and screaming". We didn't want to go someplace that had a nick name of "Lost in the Woods". However, God always knows what he's doing!! We've been through so much not just as a family, but as individuals as well while living in Missouri. God saw us through it all. Some of the hardest times of my life were in Missouri, but it was just part of "the bigger picture" a process to bring me out of the dungen of my past that I found myself in. For you see, Missouri is the place where I truly sought healing from my past...where I had an all out/drag out fight with it...and WON!! God is good and is worthy to be praised!!! So, you see Missouri is the place that God brought me to, to find my healing. He placed us in a great church (New Beginnings Revival Center, in Wayensville) where we were able to grow in God. The people are great, friendly, and I knew that if I needed them they would be there for me. I didn't open up to them like I would have liked to at times, but that's on me...and lies with my struggles to open up to people in general. I truly loved being a part of that church, and they will always be in my heart, and a part of me. I had a great Christian counselor, and went to group counseling which was a tremendous help to me. Outside of group counseling and my counselor, I didn't feel like I could open up to anyone with the struggles that I was facing...I just wasn't brave enough to seek further support from others (even though it was right there in front of me for the taking). Even in the midst of that God had me surrounded with people and in an environment that kept God as the center. An environment in which all around me was nothing but examples of how to use my faith in God to get me through the hard times and to grab hold of the healing that God had promised me.

      Missouri is the land where I found my healing, and Texas is where I will learn to walk in it daily. I have great expectations for Texas. I expect God to do great and marvelous things in my life here, and to take me to the next level in my walk with God. No matter where I go or where the Army sends my family, I expect God to show up and show us how to walk closer to him. To continue to reveal to us our destiny in him, and to show us how to walk in it.

      So, again I say...Good bye Missouri. I will miss your beauty, and I'm grateful for the healing that I've found while living there...thank you for allowing God to use you in such a way in my life.

Moving Back To My Home State Is Harder Than I Thought It Would Be

     I'm a military wife (and proud of it!!). We are currently in the process of doing a military move to our home state of Texas. While we have been home to visit several times, this time it's different for me. I knew that moving back to Texas would bring back some unpleasant memories and feelings, but I didn't think that it would hit me as hard as it has. It's amazing how fast old feelings can come back...feelings that I've gotten past and haven't had to deal with in a while. Feelings of not belonging, of being different, not fitting in...of being a leper. Feeling like I've been betrayed by my mom. While she didn't actually know the abuse was going on, I think that she knew something wasn't right, and ignored her gut instinct that said something was wrong.

     It feels like I'm returning to the scene of the crime, and that is an unpleasant feeling indeed. While I was thinking about this yesterday I had a thought that I think only God would have put there. The thought was this...go to the house pray for it and bless it. Only God would say something like that. As I thought about it I could picture the layout of the house and the rooms in it. I tried to picture myself along with others praying in each room of the house, and I couldn't handle it. I broke down and started to cry. I tryed to cry quitely as to not bring attention to myself. I didn't want my husband to see that I was crying, and I didn't want to tell him what was going on with me. Moving back to Texas is something that we have taked about and have both agreed to, and wanted to do. I don't want him to feel bad that being home this time is harder for me than it has been in the past. I keep telling God that I don't want to go back into bondage. Reminding God (and myself) that I have been delivered from my past, and there is no reason to allow those old feelings to riegn over me again. I've been asking God for strength to help me not to back slide into allowing my past to rule once again. I know God has set me free from it and I refuse to allow my past to try to rule over me again. I thank God for a very good friend of mine who called me yesterday, and talked to me. I felt so much better afterwards. I know that I can't go to my childhood home alone and ask them if I can pray for their house, and I won't even try to do that. The people living there don't even know who I am, and would probably think I'm crazy. I would consider going with others for support. I don't even know if I would be able to speak standing there in that house. I would probably need to have someone do the praying for me. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it, but I also know that God wouldn't ask me to do something that I couldn't handel.

     As I lay in bed lastnight, I did pray for that house and asked God to bless the house and the rooms in it. I asked God to bind the pincipalites and powers, and evil spirits that were at work in the home, while I was growing up, to be bound in the name of Jesus, and to be sent to Jesus to be delt with according to God's will. That the gound that was once cursed (because to me it feels like cursed ground) to now be blessed in the name of Jesus. I can honestly say that I feel much better today. Not all the feelings that I've been struggling with have gone away completly, but I'm confidante that they will. I will set my mind on things to come and not on my  past. I know my God will help me through this!!

The Knowledge Of Good And Evil: Part 1

     Ok, so I know that I started this series once before, but here we go. Every time I think I'm done with this paper I see more that I want to work on in the paper. So, I'm going to just go ahead a post what I have on it...I'd say I'm done this time, but I know better than that...lol. I hope that you will enjoy reading this series.

I recently was reading over the fall of man, and how the devil deceived Eve into eating the forbidden fruit in the garden. Now, Adam and Eve were already experiencing good. They received of the goodness of God, but because they had no reference point, they did not know that they were experiencing the goodness of God. The way it has been explained to me, which I have found to be very helpful, is to compare it to a baby. When a parent feeds, clothes, and takes care of an infant, the baby is experiencing good, but does not understand that what he or she is experiencing is called good because he/she has never experienced good before. The same principal can be applied to evil. So, when Adam and Eve partook of the forbidden fruit from "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil" (Genesis 2:17) they had an awakening of the knowledge of good and evil. While reading about Adam and Eve I saw some similarities between the hardships that they went through and that of the hardships of a survivor of abuse. The things that I’m going to write about can be applied to many areas of our lives, and is not limited to people who have suffered through abuse. I’m relating this to the area of abuse due to the experiences that I’ve had in my own life, and the things that I have learned along the way. So, let’s dive right into it. 

 

Here's how the fall of mankind happened: 

 

First, God gave a commandment to Adam saying, "Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die" (Genesis 2:16, 17). Then in Genesis 2:18 Eve was created, “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet [aid] for him”.  Adam called her woman because she was taken out of man, and was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh (Genesis 2:23). So, Eve was created AFTER God gave the commandment to Adam about not eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. It is a widely held assumption that Adam had to have told Eve about God’s commandment, and we can only assume that there was some kind of miscommunication about what God had said due to what seems like a slight misunderstanding of God’s commandment that we will see here shortly. 

 

Now, enters Satan in the form of a serpent set out to deceive, and this is where it gets interesting. Genesis 3:1 says, “Now the serpent was more subtil [cunning/crafty] than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he [the devil] said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?” Here we see the devil misquoting God and saying the complete opposite of what God really said.  

 

This is where Eve gets into some trouble because this is where we see she has a misunderstanding of God's word. Eve also miss-quotes God by saying in Genesis 3:2-3, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die". The miss-quote here is where Eve says they are not even allowed to touch the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil without dying. This is where we see that there must have been some kind of miscommunication between Adam and Eve. Perhaps in his zeal to convey to Eve just how important it was to not eat the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil he told her to just leave it alone and to not even touch it. The Bible does not record how that conversation went, so that is just a huge guess on my part. 

 

Now, Satan sees that he can exploit and deceive Eve because of a weakness that he perceives in her understanding of God's word. Hosea 4:6 tells us that God’s people are destroyed because of their lack of knowledge. Satan comes back at Eve with this contradiction to God's word, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil" (Genesis 3:4-5). So, Satan tells Eve that not only will she not die if she eats this fruit, but that if she does eat it that she will become like God.

click here for Part 2
click here for Part 3
click here for Part 4