"You Love Me Anyway" from Sidewalk Prophets

     This is such an amazing song!!! I'm so humbled to know that God loves me anyways, and in spite of all that I've been through. Because of my childhood, I sometimes have a hard time feeling like I'm truly accepted by God, BUT I know it's just my insecurities speaking. Anyone no matter what kind of childhood or up bringing they have can have deep wounds that effects how they perceive God, and how they feel accepted by God. I know I am loved by God whether I feel like I am or not. Feelings can be very deceiving. I have to stand on the word of God, and not on my feelings. My Bible tells me that I am a beloved and cherished child of the Most High God, and that matters more to me than what I feel. It's not always easy, and I do have my moments where I cry out to God...asking him if he even sees me. God has never failed to show me that he sees me and hears my cries. God has never failed to show me that he loves me!!! This same love that God shows towards me, he will show towards you. The love of God is already there towards you; you just have to accept it.

A Talk With My Mom

     I recently had a good talk with my mom. I had the opportunity to talk to her some about forgiveness of others and forgiveness of ourselves. I got to talk to her about how un-forgiveness keeps us tied, bound, and chained to the one who did us wrong. To truly be free from them we must forgive. The only one harmed by un-forgiveness is ourselves. The other person moves on with their life completely unaware of our anger or they simply don't care about our anger towards them. Either way they are not harmed by our un-forgiveness. Only we are harmed by our un-forgiveness because all that anger wrecks havoc on our lives and our health. I have lots more to say about forgiveness and un-forgiveness, but I will save it for later.

     I shared with her that I am working very hard to let go of my anger towards her, and that I do not want to be angry at her. She asked me if I felt like she had ever minimized what happened to me, and I told her yes. I shared with her the one quote of hers that is the hardest one for me to move past..."I can't believe that Jon hated ME so much that he would do that to you". She doesn't even remember saying this to me. She apologized to me for anything that she has said or done to make me feel as though she was minimizing what was done to me. She went on to explain that comments like that come from a depressed state of mind. That when you are in a depressed state of mind like that everything becomes self centered and self focused. She told me that it is much easier for her to look at how it has affected her because it's unbearable for her to look at the ways in which it has affected me. That actually gave me some clarity and understanding of her behaviors and actions.

     We both took the time to reassure each other of some things. I reassured her that even though at times I may withdraw from her, I will not withdraw my love from her. That I may not always know how to deal with her in a healthy way, and that if she has any ideas on how I can find a healthier way of interacting with her to please let me know. My mom reassured me that she is not looking to me to feel good about herself...and, oh, how I needed to hear that. She told me that she is working hard to become a healthy person, and that she wants to have a healthy relationship with me. I really feel like our talked opened us up to more and better communication with each other. I let her know that it may take time for me to learn how to trust her "new" behaviors, and to not think that there are motives behind it which are aimed at making me responsible for her happiness. My mom was ok with that, and told me to take my time. The conversation we had was good for both of us, and provided some healing to each of us as well.

Natalie Grant- Your Great Name

     Oh, how I just absolutly love this song!!! Don't ever underestimate how powerful the name of JESUS is, and how powerful our praises of JESUS can be!!!

The Father's Love Letter

     The "Father's Love Letter" is from Father Heart Communications. It's a great way to show God's love for us by using scripture to write a love letter from God to us. So, without further adu...here it is:

My Child,

You may not know me,

but I know everything about you.

Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.

Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.

Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.

Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.

Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.

Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.

Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.

Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.

Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,

for all your days are written in my book.

Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth

and where you would live.

Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.

Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.

Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented

by those who don't know me.

John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,

but am the complete expression of love.

1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.

1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child

and I am your Father.

1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.

Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.

Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.

James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.

Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.

Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless

as the sand on the seashore.

Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.

Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.

Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you

with all my heart and all my soul.

Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.

Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,

you will find me.

Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you

the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.

Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you

than you could possibly imagine.

Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you

in all your troubles.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,

I am close to you.

Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,

I have carried you close to my heart.

Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away

every tear from your eyes.

Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain

you have suffered on this earth.

Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you

even as I love my son, Jesus.

John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.

John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.

Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,

not against you.

Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression

of my love for you.

1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved

that I might gain your love.

Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,

you receive me.

1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you

from my love again.

Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party

heaven has ever seen.

Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,

and will always be Father.

Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…

Will you be my child?

John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.

Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad

Almighty God

Father's Love Letter used by permission Father Heart Communications ©1999-2011 http://www.fathersloveletter.com/

Detoxing From My Anger

     Wow! what a ride I've been on lately. In the very beginning when I started working on my anger I started to notice a few things. One was that I was clinching my jaws in my sleep which lead to some soreness (thank goodness that seems to be over). I had a few...how shall I put it...weird dreams. I have also noticed that my emotions have been a bit out of wack lately...I feel a bit on the emotional side.

     I've never been a big fan of MY emotions. Growing up I would see my mom just sitting around and crying unable to do anything. After a while I began to look at crying as weakness...a weakness that I never wanted to have. I hated it when I cried. Over the years I've gotten better at accepting my emotions, but at times I'm still not a big fan of them. I believe the reason behind me feeling emotional lately is that my body is detoxing from the anger...it has to work it's way out of my system some how. When I catch myself starting to feel flustered with the fact that I'm feeling emotional I try to take a deep breath and tell myself that it's ok.

     A friend of mine on Facebook recently posted a poem by Ann Davies,

     "Learning isn't easy. Frustration tends to set in quickly. You hurt. You feel defeated. You want to give up - to quit. You want to walk away and pretend it doesn't matter. But you won't, because you're not a loser - you're a fighter. We all have to lose sometimes before we can win, we have to cry sometimes before we can smile. We have to hurt before we can be strong. But if you keep on working and believing, you'll have victory in the end".

     Wow, I really like this. How true it is. Frustration sets in so quickly for me, and this was just a great reminder for me to take it easy on myself, that I'm a fighter, and that I WILL HAVE VICTORY in the end.

Dealing with My Anger

     Anger, it’s a poison! I know this because I can see it poisoning my own life. I have so much anger towards my mom for so many things; most of which have to do with my childhood. I haven’t written about my mom until now because it just didn’t seem right to me to spew all that anger out and onto the WORLD WIDE web. My goal is not to make my mom look bad, but I want to be real, open, and honest about my pain and hurt. I’m only mentioning some things now in an effort to show you how anger can poison a person’s life. I guess you could say that my childhood is a product of her inability to face her own childhood because when you don't face, deal, and heal from your own childhood then it makes it that much harder to be a healthy person and parent. Since she hadn't dealt with her own childhood she was unable to trust her instinct that told her that my step-dad was doing something inappropriate to me. After all, how could she face what was happening to me when she hadn't faced the difficulites of her own childhood. I'm not trying to make any excuses here, but to simply explain why I think things happened they way that they did. So, get ready and be prepared to embark with me on this emotional journey as I share with you how I'm dealing with my anger.

     So, where does some of this anger stem from? It seems to me that my whole life has not been about me; it has been about her…about taking care of her and being responsible for her well being. As a teenager I was the one the whole family looked to, to snap my mom out of her suicidal depression…I was the one who was to fix it all. Is that right, is that fair, is that something that should be a child’s responsibility? No! That is something that should in no way be placed upon a child. And yet there I was…her emotional care taker. And I simply can’t and won’t do it anymore. Even my molestation wasn’t about me, but was about her. She once said to me, “I can’t believe that Jon hated ME so much that he would do that to you”. Please! Please! Never say something like that to a survivor of sexual abuse, rape, or someone who is a survivor of any kind of abuse. It was like everything that I had gone through and had suffered didn’t matter because it was all about her and how she felt betrayed. Was she betrayed? Yes she was. She trusted him with me, and he abused this trust given to him in many ways. However, I was the one who was sexually abused. It happened to ME…and not to her!! This comment made me feel as though it didn’t matter that I was the one who was sexually abused. My mom carries so much guilt around about not protecting me that she often tries to sooth her guilt by having a pity party in the hopes that I’ll tell her no she wasn’t a bad parent, but a really, really good one, and do all that I can to make her feel better about herself (which I did for a long time). Her emotional well being is not my responsibility. I am not responsible for making sure that she feels good about herself. That is something that only she can do for herself. Was she a horrible parent? No, she wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean that she didn’t make a lot of mistakes.

     I struggle to have any kind of contact with her because I always feel as though she is looking to me to somehow make her feel good about herself, and when I draw boundary lines she has a fit and has even called me rude for doing so. I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m her emotional dumping ground. It is not any fun for me when I have to worry about her motives behind things. I often feel as though she wants to do things for me or with me because she is trying to prove that she is a good parent/person or to try to make things up to me because she didn’t protect me as a child. All this does is put an awful lot of pressure on me to make her feel good about herself. Again, I’m not here to be her emotional care taker, and I refuse to play that role any longer. I would love to have a “normal” adult daughter and mother relationship with her. I am not however going to go with her to get my nails done so that she can use it as an opportunity to prove something to herself…so that she can say, “see what I’ve done for you; doesn’t this make me a good parent/person”. Her self-loathing, un-forgiveness, and her complete lack of willingness to truly face her issues have completely tainted my relationship with her. She lacks the proper coping skills needed to move forward, and in addition to that…her refusal to forgive has her locked up and trapped in the past, and incapable of being able to move forward. I haven’t always been upset with her over my childhood. But she was just so convinced that I had to be, that I must be so angry with her over it all that it has turned into a self fulfilling prophecy.

     Ok, enough of all of that. Some of you may be thinking by this time…”Isn’t all that anger that you have towards your mom just the same as all the un-forgiveness and anger that your mom has inside of her?” Well, the answer to that is…yes! My anger and un-forgiveness towards her is in many, many ways just the same as all the hurt, anger, and un-forgiveness that she is carrying around inside of her. After all it can have the same damaging effects in my own life in just the same way that it has damaged her life. This is NOT the path that I want to be on.

     I have for about the last two weeks now have really been examining myself and the role that my anger plays. Here is what I have realized:

1) I have used my anger as a way to protect myself from getting hurt by her

2) It was the only way that I knew how to protect myself from getting hurt by her

3) I have used it to validate my hurt, and to prove that I have the RIGHT to be angry

4) Anger feeds anger

5) My anger towards my mother leaves me with less understanding and compassion towards my own children, and leaves me always on edge with them. This is a very big deal to me, and has to change.

6) It drains my energy; which effects my whole day

     Here are some of the things that I have been saying to myself in regards to those things that I have realized about my anger:

1) That yes, the anger did help me to protect myself, that it did a good job for a while, but now it’s time to move onto more effective ways of dealing with my mom that are much healthier for me and my family. That I no longer need to use anger to protect myself from getting hurt, and I cut myself some slack for not knowing any other coping skills for dealing with her.

2) Healing can be scary, and sometimes it seems like holding onto the hurt, anger, and un-forgiveness is the safe thing to do. Letting go of it all can be incredibly scary because often times we can feel like if we let it go then who will stand up and say that what was done to us is not right, and then if we let it go does it mean that what they did is all of the sudden ok. I had that fear when it came to fully letting go of what Jon, my abuser, did to me. I had to realize that wrong is still wrong, and that as long as I knew what he did was wrong and that I knew that God saw it as wrong…then that’s all that matters to me. I no longer had the urge to continually shout from the mountain tops, "Look what Jon did to me and IT WAS WRONG!!!"  I could then fully let it go. I need to apply that same principal to the anger that I have towards my mom. I don’t need to hold onto this anger as a way to prove that she has hurt me. Wrong will still be wrong; hurt will still be hurt, but I can choose a new way to deal with it.

3) I hold myself to very high standards. Sometimes these standards are so high that they are unattainable, but I hold myself to them anyways. I have a hard time giving myself a break, and I get very frustrated with myself if I can’t get something right the first time. I wouldn’t dare hold people to some of the standards that I hold myself to. So, the more frustrated that I got with myself over not being able to get past my anger; the more anger that I had, and the more frustrated that I got with myself. And around and around it went. In the mean time all that was happening was my anger towards myself just fueled my anger towards my mom. And up and up it went. Since I’ve given myself some slack for not being able to just drop my anger at the drop of a hat; I’ve noticed that the anger is being starved out and is dying out. Acceptance and forgiving one’s self is the key. By accepting my anger and that I was unable to drop it like I wanted to is what is helping me to move past it.

4) By being angry with my mom it allows anger to always be just underneath the surface, and any little thing can trigger it and bring it out. My children deserve better than that from me! I also have to realize that my children are not me, and that I shouldn’t hold them to some of the standards that I hold myself to. I didn’t have much of a childhood, and in fact most of my childhood memories are centered on being around adults. So, children being children is somewhat of a foreign concept to me. I’m sure that I did many things that children do, but those just aren’t the bulk of what I remember of my childhood. My focus is on becoming a healthy person and parent so that some of these dysfunctional things that have been passed down from generation to generation stop with me, and don’t get passed along to my children. I can do for them what my mom couldn’t do for me. She would always tell me that we were going to break the cycle and that she wasn’t going to be like her mom. Unfortunately, my mom lacks the ability to have been able to carry that out. It hurts knowing that my mom couldn’t do for me what I am not only able to do but WILL DO for my kids…I wish that she could have.

5) Here’s the most important thing to me…What does God’s word have to say to me about this issue.

EPHESIANS 4:26 “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:” (Being angry is not in its self wrong, but it’s when we sin out of our anger that is wrong)

PSALM 38:8 “Cease from anger and forsake wrath: fret not theyself in any wise to do evil”

HEBREWS 12:14, 15 “Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: looking diligently lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled”

JEREMIAH 4:18 “Thy word and thy doings have procured these things unto thee; this is thy wickedness, because it is bitter, because it reacheth unto thine heart”

PROVERBS 10:12 “Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins”

1 JOHN 2:9 “He that saith he is in the light, and hateth his brother, is in darkness even until now”

PSALM 38:18, 22 “For I will declare mine iniquity; I will be sorry for my sin. Make haste to help me, O Lord my salvation”

PSALM 32:7 “Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance”

PSALM 31:24 “Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord”

     This is what a big part of the word of God is all about to me…aligning my thoughts, opinions, words, behaviors, and actions (basically all that I am) with the word of God. Seeing where I may be wrong, repenting, receiving God’s forgiveness, and seeking God for His strength and help in facing the challenges and situations that come up in life.

     So, this is me, and how I have been dealing with MY anger. I hope that reading about how I am facing and dealing with my anger will help someone who is facing their own anger, and hurt. I know it can be scary. Hope in the Lord and trust in Him, and He will bring you through it…healed and delivered.

Till The Walls Fall - Martha Munizzi

     Martha Munizzi - No Limits (live) CD - Is an awesome cd and I would highly recommend it to anyone. I have really been listening to this cd a lot lately, and it is helping me to overcome some things that I've been dealing with lately. If we keep our minds on praising God then our mind has no time to dwell on our circumstances. I know that for me...the more I dwell on something the more worked up I can get...which doesn't always work in my favor. In fact it can leave me feeling defeated, and like I'm carrying a heavy load. So this cd has been helping me to keep my mind on God. This song gets me all fired up...I love it!!!
 
     In this song she says, "Praise is the weapon, but the battle is the Lord's". That is so true!! Our praise to a Holy God is the weapon that we use to defeat our circumstances, and to come out on the other side. We can not lose when we allow God to fight our battle for us, and our praise to God is what is needed for that to happen.

Here is a great Bible story about how God can fight our battles for us:

2 Chronicles 20:15-25 "And he said, Hearken ye, all Judah, and ye inhabitants of Jerusalem, and thou king Jehoshaphat, Thus saith the LORD unto you, Be not afraid nor dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but God's.

16 To morrow go ye down against them: behold, they come up by the cliff of Ziz; and ye shall find them at the end of the brook, before the wilderness of Jeruel.

17 Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourselves, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the LORD with you, O Judah and Jerusalem: fear not, nor be dismayed; to morrow go out against them: for the LORD will be with you.

18 And Jehoshaphat bowed his head with his face to the ground: and all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell before the LORD, worshipping the LORD.

19 And the Levites, of the children of the Kohathites, and of the children of the Korhites, stood up to praise the LORD God of Israel with a loud voice on high.

20 And they rose early in the morning, and went forth into the wilderness of Tekoa: and as they went forth, Jehoshaphat stood and said, Hear me, O Judah, and ye inhabitants of Jerusalem; Believe in the LORD your God, so shall ye be established; believe his prophets, so shall ye prosper.

21 And when he had consulted with the people, he appointed singers unto the LORD, and that should praise the beauty of holiness, as they went out before the army, and to say, Praise the LORD; for his mercy endureth for ever.

22 And when they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set ambushments against the children of Ammon, Moab, and mount Seir, which were come against Judah; and they were smitten.

23 For the children of Ammon and Moab stood up against the inhabitants of mount Seir, utterly to slay and destroy them: and when they had made an end of the inhabitants of Seir, every one helped to destroy another.

24 And when Judah came toward the watch tower in the wilderness, they looked unto the multitude, and, behold, they were dead bodies fallen to the earth, and none escaped.

25 And when Jehoshaphat and his people came to take away the spoil of them, they found among them in abundance both riches with the dead bodies, and precious jewels, which they stripped off for themselves, more than they could carry away: and they were three days in gathering of the spoil, it was so much".

     Look at this story...the children of Israel didn't have to lift a finger to fight. I think that it's important to note that the singers were sent out in front of the men of war/soldiers. All they did was sing songs of praise and worship to God, stood their ground on faith, and he fought the battle for them. Not only did God fight this battle for them, but look at the huge blessing that he also gave them...it took three days to collect all the riches and there was so much that they couldn't even carry all of it. In the midst of our hard times and trials if we allow God to fight our battles for us not only will we stand in victory over our circumstances, but God can abundantly bless us in that victory.

New Books Added

I have added a few new books to the page "Books I've Read".

     A Woman's Way through The Twelve Steps By: Stephanie S. Covington, Ph.D. -- This is a great book, and the lessons taught in this book work for every aspect of a person's life. You don't have to be an alcoholic to read this book. You can substitute any addiction (food, drugs, sex, co-dependency, Internet, ect...) for the word alcohol. I read this book as part of a co-dependency group, and I learned a great deal from it. There is also a work book that goes along with this book.


     Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life: The New Acceptance & Commitment Therapy By: Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D with Spencer Smith -- This was a great book, and helped me a lot. This book helped me put into action things I knew that I needed to do, but couldn't quite figure out how to do it. I have known for a very long time that I needed to come to terms with my past. This book showed me that I had to be willing to fully accept my past, the way that it made me feel, and then it showed me how to move forward and not dwell on the negative. It's one of those books where you need to take the time to fully understand what it is teaching you, and how to apply it to your life. This book is well worth the effort that it asks you to put into practice. I read this book as part of a group for depression. I would say that this book works well for anyone who is not only feeling depressed, but for anyone who feels like they are stuck and just aren't sure on how to move forward. The main key is that you have to be willing to try the things in this book otherwise it does you no good if you are not willing. You first have to be willing to change in order for change to actually occur.


    Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse Workbook By: Carolyn Ainscough & Kay Toon -- This was a great book, and it really helped me a lot. However, this book can be intense, and you need to be prepared to be able to handle it. I love that in the beginning of this book they prepare you for what to do if you start to feel overwhelmed. What helped prepare me a lot for this book was the support group that I had done called "In the Wildflowers". This was a support group for dealing with childhood sexual abuse, and it was also a great group and a great help to me.


I will also be adding "In the Wildflowers" to the Internet resources page.

Thanks for taking a look at my blog, and I wish you peace and healing in your life. God Bless.

Stronger (WGTS Studios) by Mandisa

     This is truly an amazing song. I really love this song. God has taken all of the hardships in my life, and has used them to make me stronger. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose". God is more than able to bring us through any situation that we face in our lives, and if we allow him, he can use it to make us stronger and wiser. Like the song says...when it feels like the waves are taking you under, you just have to hold on a little bit longer. Even when it feels like God is a million miles away, He's really right there by your side, and He cares for you more than you know.

East to West - Casting Crowns [with lyrics]

     This is a great song. One of the reasons why I love this song so much is that I can identify with so much of this song. I know what it feels like to think that you are drowning in God's sea of forgetfulness, and to yearn for peace of mind from my past. I know what it feels like to pray to God for him to not leave me where I am at, to save me, and to take me out of the pit that I was in. I have even longed for God to show me just how far he has cast my sin and shame from me. Did you know that east and west don't meet? This song is about Jesus taking our sin and casting it from the east to west...our sin is taken so far away from us that it will never meet us again!!! Jesus' arms were spread out (east to west) for us when he died upon the cross for us. That we may be reconciled with God. Psalms 103:12 "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us". I can identify with every part of this great song.
    
   

A Proper Testimony

     I've been thinking about what a proper testimony means to me. Mark 8:36 says, "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?". This verse has some new meaning for me. What shall it profit me if I go out and help others, but my family is left by the wayside. I must first have a good testimony in the eyes of my husband and kids before I can have a good testimony before anyone else. If I go out and try my best to show others the love of God by standing up and telling others my testimony, but if I'm not first showing that love of God to my husband and kids...then what does that profit me or anyone else? How can I possibly have any kind of testimony in the sight of others about God if my family is not seeing me put forth the same amount of effort if not more into showing them the love of God? The answer is...I can't possibly have any kind of good testimony let alone a testimony that will last. I must first make sure that I am being the wife and mother that I am called to be.

     And that brings me to my next point. When God says to walk away from something he means for you to walk away from it. Not to close your eyes, turn your head and not look at it, or to cover it up with a blanket; so that it's still there, but your just not dealing with it. I have been guilty of that lately. God told me to walk away from something, and I didn't want to walk away from it totally...so, I just stepped back from it and covered it; so that it was still there but not out front and center. Was there anything really wrong with it...no, not necessarily. But anything that hinders my ability to continue to improve in taking care of my family is something that does not need to be in my life right now. I need to focus more on my family, and anything that is distracting me too much from doing that has to go. This all goes back to first having a good testimony in the sight of my husband and kids before having a testimony before others, and being obedient to what I feel God is wanting me to do.

     This also brings me to yet another point...about having the proper or right mindset. Romans 12:2 says, "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God". I'm sure that you are wondering what does that scripture have to do with having a proper testimony. Well, it has a lot to do with it. Having a proper testimony has to do with every aspect of your life, and not just one area. Our mindset towards things determines our attitude and our outlook on things. The biggest thing is to listen to what God is saying to you, and the more you cultivate your relationship with Him the better you will hear God when he speaks to your heart. I feel as though God has been speaking to me about things that are in my life that are keeping me from fully being able to cultivate the type of mindset that I feel that God wants ME to have. And this is the example that I will give you...I like to watch Investigation Dateline in the afternoon, and I have recently decided that even though I like the show (and there is nothing wrong with this show in and of itself) I just feel as though it is something that God doesn't want me watching right now. So, after a little bit of struggle, I finally listened to the will of God for me in my life, and have stopped watching it. Again, this is for me and my life...I just feel like it's one of the things that God has been laying on my heart to walk away from because for what ever reason it is not helping me to cultivate the type of mindset that I feel that God wants me to be working on having. And this circles right on back around to listening to the will of God in your life...when he says to walk away from something he means it. Don't try to cover it up and hide it...walk away from it.

     For me at lest this is all part of the bigger picture of having a proper testimony. Making sure that I am first and foremost listening to the will of God for me in my life so that I can have a good testimony in the eyes of my husband and kids. Because with out that good testimony I cannot have a good or lasting testimony when I stand before others.

3 New Bills Proposed In Texas

     Ok, all you Texans out there...there are some new proposed laws out there that you should take the time to read and research. You should take the time read these newly proposed laws to see if you either agree or disagree with them. It's important to support a good law and to challenge a bad one, but in order to be able to do that you need to be aware of the facts of that proposed law. On these bills to get to read the full text of the bill you have to click on the "Text" tab and then chose which format you want to use to read it.


1.) Bill SB 198 - This bill is about creating some exemptions for sex offender registration. It would apply to those who are convicted of certain sex crimes who are no more than 4 years older than the victim or intended victim who is at least 14 years old. Also, in order to gain the exemption is has to be shown that the person's conduct was done only with the CONSENT of the victim or intended victim. This to me sounds like an exemption bill for teenagers who got caught having consensual sex where there is a big enough age difference for one of them to be charged with a sex crime like statutory rape. There is more to this bill than what I have written; so, I encourage you to read it for yourself.


2.) Bill SB 166 - This bill is about civil commitment of sex offenders, and the creation of a state agency to preform the tasks of the civil commitment program which is currently being done by the Council on Sex Offender Treatment. Some examples of those who could be placed in the civil commitment program are those who were found not guilty by reason of insanity, those guilty of certain sexually violent crimes,  and those who "may be a repeat sexually violent offender". To me this bill came across like it was probation on steroids. The offender has to notify where they are expected to live once released from prison, has to wear a monitoring system, and has to abide by the "treatment" plan and supervision plan that has been designed for them. If they wish to move they must gain permission to do so. Some of the requirements will include "requiring the person to reside in a Texas residential facility under contract with the office [council] or at another location or facility approved by the office [council]". I do not think that all who are put into the civil commitment program will be required to live in such contracted residential facilities. Also, some of them may be required to live in supervised housing. There will be child safety zones in place for which these offenders cannot live in. They will be subject to polygraphs. There will be assessments to determine if there needs to be changes made to a person's "treatment" plan or to their supervision rules, and to even determine if the person can be taken off of the civil commitment program based on if that particular person is no longer deemed to be a risk to society. There is a LOT to this bill, and I highly recommend that you read it in it's entirety. The reason why I said that this bill sounds like probation on steroids is because a lot of the supervision rules for these offenders sounds a lot like the rules that my ex-step-dad has to abide by for the remaining 9 years that he has left on his probation.

3.) Bill SB 98 - This bill is about human trafficking. Ok, I'm having a hard time understanding this bill. From some of what I do understand this bill seems to outline under what conditions a person can be charged with multiple charges of human trafficking,  and if a person is found guilty of multiple charges from the same "episode" they can either serve their time concurrently or consecutively. This bill also states that a victim has 5 years after the day to bring forward a personal injury suit from injuries they suffered from conduct that violates some of the penal codes that they have outlined in this bill...to include sexual assault, aggravated sexual assault, continuous sexual abuse of young child or children, trafficking of persons, trafficking of child in furtherance of sexual conduct or performance, or continuous trafficking of persons. This bill also talks about under which conditions the defendant can receive life in prison. There are sections that talk about getting out on parole, but the person has to serve at least half of their sentence or 30 years which ever is shorter, but must serve a minimum of 2 years. There is so much to this bill, and so many different scenarios that are talked about that I couldn't keep up with what exactly they were talking about. This bill is defiantly something that you have to read for yourself in order to try to understand it. There is just so much that is covered in this bill.

Mighty To Save by Laura Story

     This is yet again another one of those songs that I just love. A great song about the saving grace of God. God truly is mighty to save!! It doesn't matter what your situation is...God has seen it all, and still loves us enough to bring salvation to us. Let me get one thing straight here...a victim of any kind of abuse has done NOTHING WRONG!!! But we tend to take the blame onto ourselves as though we are the guilty party. So, I tend to address things from that stand point; knowing that there are many hurting victims that blame themselves, and think that it is somehow their fault. I've been there...done that, and know how that works. It took me a long time to fully let go of that self blame. It helped me a lot when I realized that it was not a sin that I committed somehow, but that it was a sin that was committed AGAINST me. That is when I first started to realize that the sexual abuse was not my fault. So, whether you are carrying guilt over bad choices that you've made or carrying the guilt of sins that have been committed against you...God is mighty to save, mighty to heal, and mighty to deliver.

A Link to Rebecca Kiessling's Website & A Side Note About God's Free Gift

     I would like to share with all of you a link that has come to my attention. It's a link to Rebecca Kiessling's website. She is a woman who was conceived during a rape, and who has found ultimate healing in Christ Jesus. She for many years wondered who could ever love her because of how she was conceived, but found out that she was created by God and not by the rapist...her conception no longer defines who she is. She has a great testimony, and although she herself was not raped, I feel that she struggled with many of the things that a survivor of rape, sexual abuse, and abuse have suffered with. She beautifully describes how she went from having no self worth to finding out that her value in the eyes of God is incalculable.

     Your worth in the eyes of God is INCALCULABLE!!! You are worth more than any amount of silver or gold to God. In fact you have already been bought with a price...the price of God's only son, Jesus Christ, who died for you so that you could have remission of sins, and so that you could live an abundant life. That abundant life includes healing from your hurts, your past, and your sicknesses. There is so much good that God wants for you.

     If you would like to receive this free gift from God, all you have to do is say a sincere prayer asking God to forgive you of your sins, ask that He send is son Jesus to come live in your heart, and that He sends His Holy Spirit to come guide you. My next suggestion would be that you start working on cultivating your relationship with God by finding a good church, reading your Bible (start with the New Testament), and by praying. Pray and ask God to help you heal from your past, and to open your eyes to show you the life that He has planned for you.

     I hope that doesn't sound like too much. The prayer just has to come from your heart and be sincere. I think the number one thing that  a new Christian needs to do is to grow and cultivate their relationship with God. I hope that you, whom ever you are, will accept this free gift from God. Accepting God into my life was the best thing that I have ever done.

Amazing Grace My Chains Are Gone

     I love this version of Amazing Grace. As a survivor of sexual abuse I have often felt like I was chained to my abuse, my abuser, and my past. And I think it's reasonable to say that most people at one time or another have felt chained to something...sin, addiction, bad choices, abuse, and even just every day things. But it is through the price that was paid on the cross by Jesus Christ that we can be set free from those chains. I know that I have been set free from my chains of abuse, and what a glorious freedom it is!!! It is my hope that as you draw closer to God that you will allow Him to set you free. I know all too well how difficult the process can be, but oh, what a glorious and wondrous freedom there is awaiting you in the arms of the Healer. God's grace truly is amazing, and His love unending.

Nicole C. Mullen - Come Unto Me [Lyrics]

     This is another one of those songs that I just love!! Jesus is saying "come unto me", and He will take you just as you are because he loves you more than you can imagine. He wants you to bring to Him your hurt, pain, sorrow, brokenness, and loneliness, and He will give you joy, peace, happiness, and love. Jesus will enrich your life more than you can imagine. But God doesn't just want us to bring him our pain and sorrow; he wants to rejoice with us in our joy and happiness too.

RESCUE ME / SELAH

     This is one of my favorite songs of all time (of which I have many). I can completely identify with the feeling of being so overwhelmed that it's like your drowning. I just identify with the message of this song so much. I have found it to be true in my life experiences that when I truly give my problems to God that my burdens are lifted and much easier to work with. I just love this song because when I feel overwhelmed it's like my soul cries out with it for God to rescue me. I don't know how to explain it...this song is soothing to my soul because I know that my God and King will rescue me.

So, I Thought I Was Ready To Come Home

     Oh, how I was ready to come home after our trip to see family. I was excited to get home and to go into supermom mode...cleaning house faster than a speeding bullet. I figured that THIS TIME I would be able to kick it into gear, and to be able to do all the things that I wanted to do without getting too overwhelmed. But it was not to be I guess. After everything...all the toys, suitcases, and anything else that was brought home made it into the house...the overwhelming / paralyzing feeling just took over. We are blessed with a family that loves to give gifts to the kids, but then where to put it all...and what about laundry...and dishes....oh, and don't forget the house needs food in it. I guess that I just allowed myself to get bogged down with it all.

     A tornado hit the military post where my husband works; so, he's been called back to work a few days early for the clean up. So, when the girls got into everything and our living room started to look like a tornado zone I knew that my husband wouldn't want to come home to that. You would think that knowing that would help me get my butt into gear and get to cleaning, but no it didn't. I was feeling to overwhelmed / paralyzed by that time to be able to do anything. So, he came home, and got to cleaning. The hardest part is seeing the disappointment on his face and body. Once he got it all picked up I was able to pitch in and help some.

     Sometimes I sit and wonder how it is that I became this way. I wasn't like this in high school. I know that I've never been that great at keeping up with house work, but I don't ever remember feeling so overwhelmed that I felt paralyzed. As far as I can tell this problem started when I started dealing with the sexual abuse that I went through, and I long for the days when I didn't have this problem. But then I have to remind myself that back in the days when I didn't have this problem I had other problems that were much worse (like sexual abuse and a suicidal mother). I know that I'm gaining some victories over this "feeling so overwhelmed that I'm paralyzed " feeling, but I can't help but wish that the fight was over and that I've won. I don't like this fight, and the disappointment that it causes not only with-in myself, but with my husband as well. I don't know if he realizes just what he did for me the other night when he cleaned up all the toys, and clothes off the floor from our trip. Once I could see the floor again I could feel that paralyzing feeling lifting off of me. He put me in a much better position for being able to tackle the rest of the house. If he had not helped me like that, I don't know how long it would have taken me to snap out of it...several days too many, would be my guess.

     I thank the Lord for giving me the strength to continue with this fight. It's all too easy for me to just give in to being paralyzed by my feelings of being overwhelmed, and to sit and do nothing all day. I know that's not God's will for my life, and it's not the life that I want to live. God willing, and I think that He is, I will one day win this war.

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. So far my Christmas break is going pretty good. I've had some stress, but I feel like I'm handling it well. Over all I am enjoying visiting family, and I wish the same for all of you. God bless, and I wish you all a safe New Year. I hope that the New Year brings healing, deliverance, peace, and joy to your life.

Joy Unspeakable

What to say about joy unspeakable...

     Over the past year I have come a very long way in my healing, and I continue to grow and heal. I have had at least two great life changing experiences with God that have really changed me. One was back on October 10th, and the other was over Thanksgiving weekend. What happened is mainly between me and God right now...I'm not ready to share the details with the world. But what I do want to share that has everything to do with these two experiences is...joy unspeakable. Almost on the daily bases I feel like I'm getting a clear view of what it means for me to just live life...to live it free from the bondage of my past. It's a glorious thing to be able to see that. And what's even more glorious is that I can feel joy entering into my spirit every time I get a glimpse of life...my life...free from bondage. Oh, joy unspeakable!!

     It's the kind of joy that lets me know that I'm on the right path, and that all will be ok. This is God doing a work in me that I cannot do myself. The fog of abuse is so thick that most of the time people have a hard time seeing their way out of it. When I get these glimpses of my life being on the right track it's like God's growing joy inside my soul!!!

     What I want you to know is that I'm a normal person, and I have my ups and downs. I don't usually go around all bubbly and joyful. I still have some struggles that need to be conquered, and I just haven't had the courage to share them with you. But what I do want you to be able to get from me sharing this with you is that it is possible to heal...to have genuine joy in your life again. I have found that the more I truly trust God to heal me the more He does, and the more joy there is returning to my life...entering and growing in my spirit, and I just praise God for it.